Accepting being single forever

[teaandcakeat8]

I'm in late twenties and have been single for over two years, apart from a few few month things that never really got into 'relationship' stage. Last one ended just before Christmas.

I genuinely think that I am supposed to be alone forever. I see most of my friends meet men they like, the men like them back and that's it. They get together. For me, there are always complications that mean it doesn't happen. So I think this is the way I'm destined to be.

Have tried to go back OLD since Christmas but my heart isn't in it; am still in brief contact with ex and no one really measures up to him.

I feel like I'm now too old to find someone. I just want some advice on how to come to terms with this, as I'm feeling really lonely and down about it. I keep crying and just feel helpless really.

OP I'd advise joining some things where theres a lot of men. I can tell you now that if you joined a kayaking/climbing or fell running group you will have plenty of opprtunities for meeting a decent man.
I'm 47, gay and overweight and even I got asked out by a nice man!. Come back after doing this and if you havent found someone I'll eat my hat.

Buy what if you don't like kayaking, climbing or fell running? I couldn't do any of those. I don't want to join clubs and just stand around waiting to be asked out.
I've often found that clubs have one guy who asks everyone out anyway!

I already do a lot of running and below to several groups. All the men there are either couples (if half decent) or not my type.

You sound very picky OP, does it matter if they are not your type? When the lights off you cant see them anyway.lol.

Nice Rudgie, really nice.....

ShatnersWig yes, I see what you mean. I wouldn't advocate most of the things you mentioned. But Meetups, definitely. I think it's fine to join a Meetup to get out and about. It's not dating so at least there isn't that pressure.

It doesn't have to be a Meetup populated with men - again, as it's not a dating thing. But being out and about socially is key, I think. As long as you're out, you can meet someone.

Your anecdote about your friend put me in mind of a friend of mine who's been single for years. She wants to meet someone. I don't see her often but last time I did, I advised her to join Meetups and stop talking to her friends about dating (I'm not friends with her other set of friends).

They are all married or in LTR, sitting there making disparaging comments re what does she want a man for. Very coupled up, unavailable to socialise with her (yet ok to wander round to her house and quiz her on her personal life) yet think it's fine to advise a single woman not to want to meet a man to share life with.

As said, lots of things are hard about adult life. But I think we have to get up and out, to try to make things happen. Even when we don't much feel like it. I don't mean that to imply it's the single person's fault at all - simply that the more men you come across in real life, the more opportunity there is for eyes across a room sort of thing.

If someone is happily single I think that's fine. Equally if they prefer not to be single that's fine too. I'd always say get out there, never know you could meet someone. As opposed to don't worry about it..at least you have freedom..that kind of thing. Some advice can be boring..but it's better than that

I suppose in some ways I see it as a numbers game really

Oh I see, it’s going to be one of those threads where the OP picks holes in everything everyone suggests, thereby making it clear why they have the problem they’re complaining about.

Great post, Mistress

It's very hard.
Being single is one of those situations where effort put in doesn't equal a result.
I'm 39 and have been single for nearly 12 years. In that time I had a half relationship with my ex husband, we had split but gave it another go, living in different houses. Only lasted a year.
I've dated hard, being told it's a numbers game, it isn't. I've had a handful of relationships that have lasted a few months.
I've been told i was trying to hard. Or not hard enough. To join clubs or don't mention it to men as it's intimidating.

You can't win.
Married people interogate you over why you can't just be happy I'm your own and then go home tp their husbands, this is if you can get them to come out with you on the first place.

But of course , it will happen when I least expect it. And in 12 years it hasn't. Despite not expecting it to.

Then you get told it must be something you are doing , has to be , doesn't it.
But it's not.

I've made peace with it and have stopped all dating for about 2 years now. I had someone in real life ask me out but he got all weird.

I feel better not putting myself through trying and failing to change something i have no Influence over. But then it's a bit like a huge part of who I am is denied, if that makes any sense.

It's hard. There isn't an easy answer.

Mistress Meetups are fine, if they exist at all where you live, or they are of things that you have a passing interest in getting involved with. Often people say "try Salsa" but if you hate dancing and are clearly only there to try and meet someone, you may not come off your best, or if you do hit it off, that person may want to go dancing with you a lot and you hate dancing!

I had a look at Meetup round my way. It was rubbish, and I live with one town and one city within eight miles of each other, each having populations of over 100,000 with lots of other small towns/large villages within spitting distance. The amount of Meetups was really low and what there were just did nothing for me or I couldn't join. There were quite a few for business women (I'm a man). Several Walking for the Under 30s and Walking for the Over 50s. I'm 43. A couple of sports groups but they only wanted people of league ability. Oh and Geeks. Several Geek groups. And most of the groups didn't have huge numbers and were mostly very male heavy in terms of numbers. No use, really, if you're wanting to meet single women.

The nearest groups of interest and decent numbers of members and a good male to female ratio were 50 miles away. Wouldn't work for evenings and sadly they didn't do things at the weekend.

Quidditch Great post. You totally get where the OP is coming from (and me too).

A couple of years ago I joined a meditation Meet-up, but it was just full of loons (obviously). Went a few times, liked the meditation but would never want to see any of the members in any other setting.

I've just joined a walking group Meet-up, seems OK so far, I like walking and chatting to people. But I could hear people around me talking about how they were single and had been trying to date etc (women) and just hearing them talking about that depressed me.

Also, I don't have children and I do find that people with kids will tell you all about their kids, all the hilarious things they do...until you want to stuff your ears with cotton wool to make it stop. And since most people do have kids you find this conversation (one-sided though it is, they never really seem to notice) repeated whenever you meet people. It's getting a bit better as I am getting older as presumably their kids are grown up and not so hilarious any more.

I've recently moved are so I need to make new friends. Dating is secondary really, though I do have OLD profiles.

I joined a meet up type thing once . Not actually meet up as there is nothing in my area. It was full of men who I had rejected online dating and women who were 20 years older than me and trying to date. It was more depressing than sitting at home by myself.

I just got cancelled on twice, in two days, by someone I work with. He asked me out before Xmas, kind of over stepped the mark, asked for a second chance and we were meant to have coffee yesterday which he cancelled as too busy at work and just now cancelled saying he has a bit of a cold, but is fine at work.
It's shit.

It wears you down after a while, and I think people who haven't been single for a long time forget how emotionally tough it can be.

Quid I have had similar with meet up, most f the things around here are older people that have retired so they meet up during the week when I’m working. There are a few ‘singles’ meet up groups but most are too far away from me so it’s tricky to go.

I have had more success with on line dating but others might not call it success as I am still single (hopefully not for long as I am going on date 3 tomorrow with a lovely man).

I go to the gym a lot, swim and walk, not really great ways to meet people but keeps me busy and I have made a couple friends (not boyfriend material ).

Just had another look at Meetup for the helluva it. First time for at least 6 months. I limited looking to a 25 mile radius which is probably possible most evenings depending on which direction.

I was ruled out of around 40% by being either too old or too young.
I was ruled out of around 40% by not being female or not being a parent.
Of the remaining 20%, I wasn't remotely interested in any of them.

OP - Very gently: for what it's worth, you're playing a psychological game that's very common and entirely self-destructive.

It's called "Why Don't You? Yes, But". Google it - it might offer some perspective.

There's a part of you that is so right up against yourself that you can't deal with it, and so we deal with it for you, and your role is to reject us all, in the same way you've been rejected, and that you are now rejecting yourself.

In short, get some therapy. It'll do wonders if you keep at it. I promise.

Here you are - some more information.

Dolores I'm not saying I disagree with you, I'm just wondering what the therapy is to achieve.

The OP said: "I feel like I'm now too old to find someone. I just want some advice on how to come to terms with this, as I'm feeling really lonely and down about it."

Obviously she isn't too old. That's a fallacy. Maybe the therapy can help there.

But for many of us who are considerably older than the OP, done all the things everyone on this thread suggests for years, been single for sometimes 10 years or more, can therapy actually help you accept that's going to be your lot in life and be OK with that? Therapy can't provide more opportunities of meeting people. And for many of us with loads of friends and a very busy social life, we can still be hugely lonely because we feel we're missing something. It's not just a feeling but a physical fact in many ways.

Therapy isn't there to accept your lot in your life; it's to accept you. There's a substantive and crucial difference to that. The paradox is that once you do that, things have a better chance of changing.

I write this as someone who was very much as the OP describes. Very much. And not so much any more; and while I haven't changed per se, my level of insight and self-acceptance, and willing to take responsibility for myself have changed - and I notice that change reflected back in the world around more.

More than anything: I realise I can be quite, quite content on my own.

I am about 20 years older than the OP.

Let me add: the more I've realised I can be quite content on my own, the more connected I feel to others, the more meaningful relationships I have.

Is there a difference though, between being "content" and being "happy"? You can, I believe, be content with you and what you do but still be lonely. You can be happy with you and what you do, but still be lonely and want to share experiences with someone who loves you and who you love. You can be content and happy with being you but long, perhaps, for physical contact like kissing and sex.

I'm happy and content and id also like to share my life with someone. It's a basic human need and no amount of therapy will make that go away.

If the op is unable to function in life and is very very down about it then it might help a tiny bit and there is probably something else going on to, or it also affects other areas of her life.

But it's very possible to be happy and content and still want a relationship, not least because I want to share the hsppiness with someone else.

Quiddich Are we twins???

Haha no 😊

I've just been single an absolute age too, and have been told/ have heard all the bullshit before, many times over.

I used to pay attention to it, try it as if people were saying it there must be something in It, but there wasn't.

I did feel sad, like the op, and it is shit. Acceptance comes with time, and you can't force yourself to feel one way when you really don't.

I have now accepted this is how it is for me, and despite being told this is when I would immediately meet someone 😉, I still haven't.

It's just awful lack of luck and rubbish circumstances , but it doesn't define who I am.

Yes, my favourite was always if you stop looking, it will happen.

Of course it will. In the same was as if you stop looking for a new job, one will simply turn up in your lap; and if you stop looking for a new house, one will simply make itself known to you by giving you a call on the phone.