Accepting being single forever

[teaandcakeat8]

I'm in late twenties and have been single for over two years, apart from a few few month things that never really got into 'relationship' stage. Last one ended just before Christmas.

I genuinely think that I am supposed to be alone forever. I see most of my friends meet men they like, the men like them back and that's it. They get together. For me, there are always complications that mean it doesn't happen. So I think this is the way I'm destined to be.

Have tried to go back OLD since Christmas but my heart isn't in it; am still in brief contact with ex and no one really measures up to him.

I feel like I'm now too old to find someone. I just want some advice on how to come to terms with this, as I'm feeling really lonely and down about it. I keep crying and just feel helpless really.

[chocatoo]

OK, I'm ancient now (and happily married - finally met my husband when I was in mid thirties!) but I was in your position years ago. Firstly, you have AGES before you need to be concerned. Secondly, men wont beat a path to your door - you DO have to get yourself out there and maybe do a little/lot more OLD. You will probably have to kiss a lot of frogs!
This sounds really hackneyed but try to enjoy the journey of developing yourself as a person and of meeting/dating along the way...keep an open mind when it comes to men - the man I married was not someone who I would have imagined, but he is the right one for me.
Have fun.

[CharizMa]

I agree Trills. I'm currently researching charisma. That's just my current little research on the internet project. It's very interesting. I feel like I'm changing all the time, so things that I might have believe were outcomes set in stone when I was young and beautiful [ha!] now at 47 I don't even believe that there is any one obvious outcome.

[CountdowntoSanta]

Nurse I am in my 50's and been in a relationship for almost 6 years. We have never lived together and we are extremely happy.

Don't let living together prevent you from being in a relationship.

I love my partner and he loves me but we love living apart.

Apologies for derailing.

[Lovemusic33]

I feel the same, I am 35, I have been married but found it really boring (married a older man, had kids but other than the children we had nothing in common), I have had a few short relationships since but no one has stuck around or they have cheated. I have been single for just over a year now, been on a few dates but rarely get past date 3 as there’s always something that gets in the way (my life style or there’s). I don’t mind being on my own, I miss the sex but I enjoy not having to worry about someone else’s feelings, I don’t miss having to be a mind reader and I don’t miss having to tell someone where I’m going and what I’m doing. Being singles not that bad. I have hobbies, a few friends and work.

[teaandcakeat8]

I just think that there isn't a better feeling than meeting someone and the excitement at the start of a relationship and it's depressing to come to terms with not feeling that again.

I think if you have experienced a good relationship, even if it was short, it's difficult not to want that again.

Also, I do want children.

[Lovemusic33]

Count how do you manage not living together? How often do you see each other? Only asking as I have just started dating someone and due to his work and his children I can’t see it ever getting past the dating stage until his kids are older, If I do continue to date him I could not see us living together for at least 5 years, I’m wondering if it’s worth it or not? Wether I would just be better staying single?

[hattyhighlighter]

You don't have to not want it OP, it's a want most of us have, to meet someone we like. But perhaps just accept that this is just how things are right now. If you get out and about doing things and filling up your life, maybe visiting new places, meeting people and making yourself happy and busy, then chances are you will meet someone eventually and you have plenty of time to have children. It could be next week it could be next year. Why not just enjoy life in the meantime?

[MarshaBradyo]

Lots of people meet at work it’s a shame your work isn’t good for this.

It gives a lot of time to get to know someone to make sure you like them

I can see that constantly searching must be tiring.

Also you say the ltr were suffocating so did you end it?

[teaandcakeat8]

One I ended because he was abusive (3 years)

Second he cheated (1 year)

Third he also cheated but to be honest we had grown apart so much, I probably would've done the same if I had met someone first (2 years)

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

So you dated and slept with someone for 4 months, then he decided he didn't want to start being in a relationship with you? Have I got that right? Most people would surely consider they were already in a relationship.

I think you are wasting too much time on men who don't want the same thing as you. Lots of people are addicted to that initial buzz of a new relationship and once it wears off look for the next person. It might be useful to filter the people you get involved with as to what they are looking for.

[CountdowntoSanta]

Music living separately is fantastic. I didn't want anyone moving in with my DC then 13 and 15. His DC were older and had moved out. My DC spent time at their fathers so we had time together at mine. By the time my DC were 16/17 I stayed the odd night at his and now they are 19/21 I stay at his anytime I want.

We see each other about 5 days a week sometimes just lunch, go for word walk etc and sometimes stay over.

I love my own company and he does too but we have a great time together too.

[NurseButtercup]

@CountdowntoSanta

It's been a deal-breaker for the men not me, they can't understand why I don't want to live together and it's ended the relationship. This has happened to me twice.

I'm very happy in my little palace 😀

[Marveldc]

Teaandcakeat8 I can understand your situation and feelings. I am also single in my late 20s. It's really easy to feel maybe we'll be alone forever it's a horrible feeling.
Do you have many friends to hang around with? Finding the right person to date is super hard. Don't give up hope though. You will find someone amazing

[chocatoo]

The other thing I meant to say is that if/when you meet men but find you are not interested in dating them, don't just discard them as they may well be excellent friends and who knows, you might meet other people through them in the longer term. I found that some lovely male friends (not FWB by the way!) kept me from feeling so lonely. Still great friends with them, and their subsequent other halves.

[OutToGetYou]

I'm 49 and haven't stopped dating. I've had a few relationships over the years, longest 7 years I think, but I'm just not 'marriage material' for whatever reason.

I still want to meet someone to spend time with.

But I 100% agree with and accept all your responses. Doing 'hobbies' (what, for example?) to meet people is so tedious. And while I do love walking, I hate joining groups only to find they are a shagfest where everyone has shagged everyone or there is one guy whop hits on all the new women etc.
And anyway, I work hard and am too exhausted at weekends to start going off to steam train rallies, or whatever.

Yes, weekends are difficult. But, I do OLD ad meet guys now and then. I don't think I have ever sat on a first date and thought this is 'the one'. Maybe because I don't believe in 'the one' anyway?
More often they tend to feel there was a 'spark' but I found them really boring and I have to say no.

But, I will keep going because I miss sex and I like having someone to hang out with. Writing yourself off in your twenties is a bit daft, frankly.

[CharizMa]

Yes, to quote pp, it'd be more interesting to me to discover why the two groups 1) people who like me and 2) people I like never overlap
I've looked inwards, found my passions, I am completely whole on my own etc, but yet the two groups never overlap for me in a way that seems quite routine for most other people. I have wondered if I am deluded, imagining myself to be lovely when I'm not. But one of the men I felt the most for (about four years ago now) he was unattractive really, lazy eye as well, really - no looker, but I was mad about him til he started telling me what I thought and then I had to end it. But before that happened my friends let me know with eyebrow raises and comments about not settling/doing better/raising the bar etc that they thought I could do better. So I don't think I'm deluded.

I went on a date with a man on new year's day and he was good company while I was with him but I couldn't imagine ever wanting to sleep with him. He thought we were 'on' and perhaps I gave that impression - because I did enjoy the date. But when I got home to my nice tidy warm house I realised I was just glad to get home and I didn't miss him or await his text or anything like that.

[shouldaknownbetter]

I was you 10 years ago OP. Always thought I'd be alone forever, the maiden aunt making a burden of myself at younger relatives houses at christmas.

I did meet someone at 33, now happily married with two kids.

It only takes one is what I'll say. You just don't know what the future will bring.

I have friends from Uni who were always in relationships who are now long term single, and then there's little old me, always the spare part, the gooseberry, with my little family.

[teaandcakeat8]

I just feel like the stock response is to get a hobby or fill your life, but I know plenty of single women and men who have no hobbies or friends or exciting lives and still get into another relationship as soon as one ends, or at least manage to find someone that likes them back.

[hattyhighlighter]

So what though OP - maybe they got lucky, maybe they'd just date anybody, maybe they have a wider social circle.
You sound like you would go out with anyone
As if your actual quality of life or quality of relationships is of less importance than just 'being in a couple.'
And where people have tried to make helpful suggestions you're just ignoring them.
Get happy with your own life is the advice really, for you not 'to meet someone.' Don't look for another person to fill the void, or put your life on hold because you're not in a couple.

[Vitalogy]

OP, spending a whole life just waiting for a certain thing to happen isn't the best ideas as far as I can tell. Then if it actually did happen it'd probably be a bit of a let down anyway.
Have you ever looked into reading/watching someone like Eckhart Tolle, he teaches how to live more in the present. Because as he says, that's all we ever really have.

[vwlphb]

There’s no such thing as destiny.

There is however such a thing as a pattern of negative thinking, which you seem to be stuck in. Negative thinking patterns tend to be self-reinforcing in that when you really want something to happen, a negative thinking pattern subtly increases your anxiety around it and changes the way you respond to anything to do with it.

Maybe giving up totally is the best thing. I had a couple of kids who weren’t great sleepers and the only thing that reliably seemed to work to get them to go to sleep was to give up all hope that it was going to happen.

I had to get to the point where I’d really given up though. I couldn’t pretend to give up hope.

When you give up all hope, you stop caring about whether something is going to happen or not, and just get on with your life. This breaks the pattern of negative thinking and anxiety response that is exacerbating your problem in the first place.

[appella]

I've had a two year relationship where he was abusive, a five year relationship where we almost got married and a more recent year long relationship that has just ended recently (by far the hardest break up of the lot).

I still feel as though I might end up alone! But I think that like you, that's pining for someone I've lost and not seeing anyone else as being as good as they were.

I'm going to join a writing group, do a masters, try to change jobs. I'm not looking to meet someone for a while because I am still in love with my ex. In the meantime I'm going to try to make myself amazing and move forward with myself. Gym, create, meet new friends, achieve things. Think about the ambitions and goals you have for yourself outside of a relationship. I know it's shit being alone, but you don't have to be lonely. The thing that gets me is the endless time when I spend time alone. I get what you mean - lazy days and activities can feel not quite as fun if you don't have someone you love there with you. But you should do them anyway.

[Lovemusic33]

I think the harder you try the less likely you are to find someone, learn to enjoy your own company, find things to do that you enjoy (don’t just find a hobby to meet people), I think men find woman who are comfortable with themselves more atactive then so eone who seems desperate or needy (this is when you attract the ones who take advantage).

Like outTo I use OLD sites, I have met lots of people but not ‘the one’, it keeps me busy and if I do want sex I can usually find it easily, I have made a few friends that I have stayed in contact with and have been out to some nice places. I’m not sure if I will find anyone special on there but it helps my confidence.

[springydaffs]

I don't know if anyone has mentioned it, sorry - only read your responses op - but the dysfunctional family will have a bearing on a lot, not least your choices in men/relationships.

Luckily you have plenty of time to excavate that particular minefield. Not pleasant, certainly (sometimes), but utterly life changing.

You may even get to fall in love with yourself - nothing more attractive tbf.

[Trills]

I know plenty of single women and men who have no hobbies or friends or exciting lives and still get into another relationship as soon as one ends

I don't think people are telling you to get a hobby or to find some friends because that's a requirement for finding a partner. They're telling you to do those things so that you don't dislike your life so much.