Accepting being single forever

[teaandcakeat8]

I'm in late twenties and have been single for over two years, apart from a few few month things that never really got into 'relationship' stage. Last one ended just before Christmas.

I genuinely think that I am supposed to be alone forever. I see most of my friends meet men they like, the men like them back and that's it. They get together. For me, there are always complications that mean it doesn't happen. So I think this is the way I'm destined to be.

Have tried to go back OLD since Christmas but my heart isn't in it; am still in brief contact with ex and no one really measures up to him.

I feel like I'm now too old to find someone. I just want some advice on how to come to terms with this, as I'm feeling really lonely and down about it. I keep crying and just feel helpless really.

Omg I read in the twenties and cba to read the rest.

Stop moping !

OP, is it possible you may be depressed? I suffer with my MH and recognise a lot of the negative thinking in your posts, that sense of hopelessness and defeat. Possibly something to consider..?

I have been in a similar position and its very hard. I second the person who said try different OLD sites as some are attract the settling type, others the field playing type. Be open minded don't have a set type
Fill your time, just so you get out of the house and it gives you a distraction. Try WI everyone is really welcoming and you don't have to make much conversation if you don't want as theres usually a talk, the urban WIs have a younger demographic than rural ones. Go on a few day courses to learn a few new skills that you fancy trying, volunteer for a museum, with brownies etc. Once you feel happier in yourself everything will be easier. Start gradually and build up. Goodluck.

Don't do a hobby because you want to meet people, do things that genuinely interest you.

I also wonder what kind of vibe you give off, all people all people give off a vibe but depending on who you meet depends on how much they feel that vibe. You are negative I'm not saying you don't have reason but that vibe is something that won't do you any favours.

43 here, been single almost 8 years. Good job, lots of friends, hobbies, done all the usual "try salsa" etc stuff, all the OLD sites. Nothing doing, not been on a date in years.

Have a friend who is 40 been single, three short lived (less than 3 months) relationships aside, for 11 years.

We've given up but we're a lot older and been a lot longer than you. Give up when you been single as long as us, not before!

Shatners don't give up, this could be your year!

OP, I feel for you. PPs have given varied and great advice, if anything resonates at all, get stuck in.

My advice may offend some, it's not meant to, and is a result of a rich and varied life. I am 45, divorced for a few years and honestly beating them off with a stick! To my amazement (and delight)! I didn't have hobbies etc. but always made the most of my looks. Really tried to look 'hawt'. It made men interested, which gave me confidence, which made them more interested, which made me super confident etc.

Good luck sistah x

@teaandcakeat8 apologies if someone's said this already, but accept all social invitations. I was single for a couple of years in my late 20s and worried I wouldn't find someone. I accepted any invite that came my way - to drinks, parties, art exhibitions, activities - and met lots of interesting people and had lots of adventures along the way.

I met my husband at a party in the end. He was a friend of a friend, and the whole thing felt less loaded than OLD. I did the OLD thing for ages and was so jaded by it. Man after man who I wasn't into (instant chemistry is a lot to ask for), very dispiriting.

Good luck OP, things will be just fine.

I’m ancient but younger single and separated/divorced friends seem to get back into having a social life by going to Meet Ups. Basically groups of like minded people meeting in a pub or club. There seem to be a lot of different groups! DD has been to several and made male and female friends. Worth a try? (Google it.)

I’m sort of in the same situation as you, although coming out of a relationship that ended very badly. I don’t think it’s too late and I don’t think I’ll be alone forever, once I’ve allowed myself to heal I have a bit of a plan of action I’ll list below to maximise my chances:

• get a new job to widen my social circle
• start going to meet up events to meet local friends and try bumble bff
• join OLD and persevere with it even if it seems to be getting nowhere
• develop myself by pursuing my career, hobbies, social life, appearance and health to make myself as attractive as possible
• say yes to all social invitations

All of the above, whilst I think will help me eventually meet a nice partner, will make me happier in myself as well so I’m not “desperate” or dependent on a man. Even if I ultimately don’t find a life partner, I think the above will help me have fun/new experiences.

That’s just my thoughts!

Really tried to look 'hawt'. It made men interested, which gave me confidence, which made them more interested, which made me super confident etc.

Bluergh, I'd rather be single than attract men like that/who like women like that.

countdown Thanks but I've already given up. Just trying to do get my mindset round the "this is all it's going to be" thing. It's pretty shit, quite honestly, and I hope I get hit by a bus rather than have another 30 or 40 years of the same as the last 8. I have a busy life, I don't mope around. But it just isn't enough. Life is much better when you have someone to share things with, not waking up every morning or going to bed every evening on your own. Sundays in particular are hideous and today, like most of them, I neither saw nor spoke to anyone. It's a day for families.

Shatners I've always found your posts to be measured and well thought-out and it's a great attribute. I've been on MN for a very long time, mostly lurking and occasional posting in relationships. V recent namechanger too.

I don't know how to interpret your post though, because it seems so resigned, yet I can empathise.

I'm currently convinced I've nothing to offer. Ergo I don't, if you see what I mean?

I don't know how on earth to come to terms with probably being single forever. I live in NI, it's a very small pond to fish in. I'm the only one of my circle from school to be separated. Lonely place. Difficult to go to bars and clubs, noone interested in going. I work FT and am surrounded by families/couples at my voluntary work. Zero options.

Sunday's is for friends (with me) brunch or coffee late morning, esp if kids with their dad.

I don't want to patronize so I'll just say that none of us knows what's around the corner and to trust yourself..

Stop worrying about finding someone. I had a couple of very short term boyfriend's and that was it. My friend's had all settled down, and I thought I'd never meet anyone, so did feel despondent and lonely. However, I kid you not, one day I simply decided to get on and just live my life. I joined clubs, accepted invites and started to do what I wanted. I felt happier and stopped trying to impress men (for want of a better term) and that made me much more relaxed in company. I'd spend time chatting to others and that's how I met the Hubster, via a work phone call, where I simply asked how his day had been. I was 35 and within a week of our first date we were inseparable. Twenty years later and I am sitting next to him on the sofa. It's not too late and sometimes it just takes a bit longer to find the right person for you.

I've not read the whole thread but 29 is young so you have plenty of time. I'm 38 and single with 3 kids after a very long relationship and even I know I'll meet somebody again if I want to. It's just what happens.
I'm loving being single and in terms of filling my time I spend time with friends, spend time with family, work full time, I'm completing a masters, go walking/running. It's just normal stuff I would still do if I was in a relationship except I don't need to consider anybody else apart from my children.
I'm the only single one in my close friendship group but it's not a problem my friends still enjoy doing stuff and spending time without their partners. Maybe you need to expand your friendship group if yours are not like this.
Nobody can 100% say you will meet the man of your dreams but the chances are you will meet somebody. You just have to build a life that you love now so you are not waiting around for it to happen.

I know what you mean about Sundays on your own, but they are still better than being nagged at or looked down on by my now-ex, for not doing 'enough', or for watching shit TV, etc.
And being woken up by him at 7am because he likes to wake up then on a Sunday despite sleeping til nine on weekdays when I had to get up at five thirty.... Etc!

I wondered what you do at weekends. Even weekday evenings. I have friends who dress up and show up for work only. Any hobbies are solo - eg gym with earphones on. Or they're at home on Facebook/browsing net. They may go on the very occasional night out, but that's it. I assume they think Prince Charming will just knock on their front door one day.

If you actually like life and go out there and live it then I think it's hard NOT to meet people. Some you will like some you won't but it's a start. If you don't have a group of friends to go out with then join Meetup groups so you get to go to different places/do things you like to do

If everything you do is solo then you'll stay solo won't you. Online dating should never be the only source of dates for any woman. Stuck on a chair at home browsing men (loads of whom have chocolate box mentality and can't actually choose just one woman so they OLD forever)when you're young and there's a big world and lots of people and activities out there, doesn't make sense

I hadn't even met the love of my life yet, at your age

Sounds like the weekends, when you lie in bed feeling lonely, is the perfect time to get yourself out and about. They're not going to come and knock on your door and whisk you away.

I signing up for a class and making yourself a regular somewhere, sound like a good start.

Good luck.

www.bustle.com/articles/66285-the-11-best-ways-to-meet-someone-in-real-life-because-online-dating-really-isnt-the

In your position at 27 I jacked in job went travelling for 6 weeks then moved from my provincial city to London. Got job in massive firm, dated, met dh at work and snapped him up. Married at 29 first baby 31 second 34.

Oh and lots of nice professional men cycle. Cycling club.

You sound sad OP

You are still young. Try not to get anxious about finding someone who will become a life partner but do try to find a more optimistic outlook on life. I think you can only do that by doing things you love to do that increase your self esteem. Achieve things for yourself - not to attract a partner.

Of course it is entirely possible that you might never settle down with ‘the one’ but none of us can know that. You hopefully have many decades ahead of you though so just try to live in the moment and enjoy what each day brings. Be kind to yourself.

Mistress said If you actually like life and go out there and live it then I think it's hard NOT to meet people.

Meeting people is easy. Meeting people who are available and single that you are interested in isn't.

I was like this OP - I know how you feel , I was single for a long time actually- and was really sick of the articles or advice which somehow suggested that it was my fault for not being 'available emotionally' etc etc I did all the advice, evening classes, hobbies etc.
Then i read an article by a woman who had been single for a long time who expressed the reality : it's chance, pure and simple.
We can obviously load our chances by doing more, or OLD etc etc but ultimately, it might not happen. This was weirdly freeing for me as I stopped thinking about it, just did exactly what i wanted to do and made a life for myself that I love , filled only with my interests and hobbies, regardless of whether they would lead to a person. It was such a simple thing yet it changed my entire life and I was much happier as a result.

Shatners I know that but if you're indoors there's less chance of meeting anyone isn't there? What's wrong with socialising with friends? Eventually 2 people may meet, and click.

Not many things in adult life are easy.

I get the feeling at times it's ok for women to say they want a relationship, but going out and about with this in mind is somehow frowned upon. Why should it be.

Mistress Indeed. But I think the problem is that a lot of people who are long-term single hear nothing but "have you tried online dating?", "do you accept every invitation?", "do you friends know you are looking?", "have you started some new hobbies?", "have you joined MeetUp?" when they have literally done all those things and more over many years and find themselves in the same position they were years ago, only far more despondent and full of more self-doubt of the "what's wrong with me?" type stuff. And if anyone comes onto MN for a bit of a vent, they tend to get the "you're coming off so negative, that must be obvious in real life, you must be giving off vibes" and that isn't automatically the case. My friend who has been 11 years single comes across as anything but very bubbly and totally happy in public but I know what she's like in private.

I think a lot of people who have never been long-term single don't necessarily understand just how low it can make you feel, even if everything else in the garden is rosy. I once said to a friend how difficult I was finding it at times and that I never met anyone and she replied "I don't know why you're moaning, I loved being single; it was fabulous, doing anything I wanted whenever I wanted it!" I said that I wanted to have sex with someone but I didn't appear to be able to have that whenever I wanted.

They said "But in terms of going out and doing absolutely anything you wanted to do? Without needing to ask anyone's permission! It really was the best time in my life!"

So I asked why she was married and why didn't she leave her husband and join me being single. There was a lengthy pause before she said "I am so sorry, that was the most stupidly crass and thoughtless thing to say"

I think the OP is far too young to think the way she does, which is why I flippantly said for her to come back when she's in her 40s and not had a relationship for 8, 9, 10, 11 years and then she's allowed to feel that she might always be single. I think if you really have done all the usual things for years on end and still find yourself single, then I think you're allowed to feel crap about it and need to work out how to accept it going forward. But the OP shouldn't be remotely near that point for a decade.