Accepting being single forever

[teaandcakeat8]

I'm in late twenties and have been single for over two years, apart from a few few month things that never really got into 'relationship' stage. Last one ended just before Christmas.

I genuinely think that I am supposed to be alone forever. I see most of my friends meet men they like, the men like them back and that's it. They get together. For me, there are always complications that mean it doesn't happen. So I think this is the way I'm destined to be.

Have tried to go back OLD since Christmas but my heart isn't in it; am still in brief contact with ex and no one really measures up to him.

I feel like I'm now too old to find someone. I just want some advice on how to come to terms with this, as I'm feeling really lonely and down about it. I keep crying and just feel helpless really.

Me too. I've had that feeling too and they don't necessarily reciprocate.

It's hard to read other people saying that they knew they would get married to a man they clicked with on a first date and it worked out like that!!! What happens is, I get a shock, every single time. They just didn't view the date in the same way.

I think OP you need to fear being single less. Not accept it. But FEAR it less.

It's so natural the way you're feeling but don't settle for somebody with controlling tendencies (or whatever the obvious flaw might be) just for a break from being single, which is what I did. I'd had what felt like more than a decade of being single -the odd doomed fling aside- and I settled (I know it now) for a 'relationship' with a man who was too controlling because I was tired of being single and I wanted to appear normal and happy. Big mistake.
Have you had a bit of psychotherapy? I wish i'd done that before I had children with their father. I didn't know that it would have benefited me back then though.

You've got loads of time OP.
Now, your ex, is this a dead end, if so, you need to completely go no contact, that's the only way to get over him. You won't be properly open to start a new if he's on the back burner.
Have a read up on the law of attraction if you haven't already.
All will work out the way it should. The most important thing to do is become at one with yourself first, I know easier said than done.
A partner is a bonus/addition, not an essential. Best wishes.

Oh OP, I don't mean to be patronising, but you are SO young. I had terrible relationships until I met my husband which wasn't until I was 30. You have plenty of time. Stop obsessing over this and get on with living your life - doing things you enjoy and find fulfilling. To be honest, no one can promise you that you'll meet the love of your life, but late 20s is FAR too young to give up for ever. There are so many other things to live for - get out there and find a way of being fulfilled withOUT a man and you just never know what might happen. The very best of luck to you!

Late twenties
To old

😦😳

Before Christmas and before the last person I dated I went on about 2-3 OLDs per week? Most I didn't like. A few didn't like me.

In 2016 I dated someone for 4 months, on the first date I thought 'this is the one'. We had a great time, he pursued me, great chemistry etc. Then he didn't want a relationship when after 4 months I approached the subject.

Exactly the same pattern with last dp which ended just before Christmas.

I feel like a massive failure.

You are absolutely not too old to meet somebody nice. I think you should persevere with the OLD especially if you don't meet many men in your job or in your usual social life. Or if it's the same old guys that are pleasant but you just don't want to date. But don't make the OLD the be all and end all. Do things other posters have suggested.

Didn’t want a relationship full stop? Just in it for the initial fun?

I’m led to believe that some sites (more effort, financial commitment) are better at attracting those who are in it for the long term.

Might be nonsense, but it’s backed up by my social circle.

You aren’t a failure OP, 3 of my friends/acquaintances I know in their early 30s are single - many of them have never had a relationship. They are all nice people but are permanently single.

I was in relationships for all of my twenties. Two long term ones. I found myself single aged 30 and I thought my life was over. I dated for four months before finding the man I’m moving in with this year and hopefully it’ll all work out.

Even now I look at married couples with joint mortgages and children and wonder why that isn’t me. Or me yet.

The thing is, people I know who had got married and had children in their twenties in my wider circle are starting to get separated/divorced now. Not all of them obviously. Don’t something like one in three marriages and in divorce? It’s very easy to feel like a failure for being single but there are so many people who are in unhappy marriages/relationships! Just look at all the unhappy women posting on Mumsnet.

Some people never do find anyone. I’m not saying that will be you but if you do want to find someone you need to get out there and make it happen.

Not sure if they wanted a relationship or not.

It wasn't just the sex, if that's what you mean. With both men I went on plenty of dates etc. More that they eventually lost interest - although I bet if I asked both would be happy to go for dinner with me and we would still have a good time.

It's like men enjoy my company but don't see anything long term.

Polarbear what part of going on OLD's 2-3 times per week isn't trying to 'get out there and make it happen'?!

I hate the notion that if you just try a bit harder, you'll meet someone, because this just doesn't happen.

I've had LTRs before too but i actually felt suffocated in them. Presumably I was with the wrong people.

Dating is mostly luck imo. You need to maximize your chances...very very few people are alone forever...I know people who didn't meet the right guy until their forties.

I'm sure you'll be fine. I didn't meet OH until 36 and had had loads of rubbish mini relationships when broke up with finance at 30. I'm now 39 and engaged to OH - thought I'd never meet anyone and would have to go down to donor route for kids. We met online. You just need to get out there, have patience, don't settle and realise you might have to weed through a few frogs before you find your prince.

Good luck! x

Make it happen isn’t just about doing on online dates. Travel, changing jobs etc can all form part of it. Even counselling. I’m not implying there is anything wrong with you but it can be helpful to talk to somebody impartial.

I wonder if there is a reason you felt suffocated in relationships previously?

Also - are you filtering out dates or just going on dates with anybody? Statistically, most people won’t be a right fit. Which sites are you using?

I've had LTRs before too but i actually felt suffocated in them. Presumably I was with the wrong people.

Not necessarily the wrong people, being in a relationship can be suffocating. I think you need a relationship/dating timeout and figure out who you are, what makes you happy build your relationship with yourself and forget about finding a man for now.

I haven't been in a LTR for 15 years, I've dated loads of men and I haven't met one I want to live with. And that has been a massive deal breaker.

The truth is I don't want to live with a man and put up with some of the petty nonsense that entails. Does that mean I'll be single forever? Maybe, but I'm not worried about it because I'm happy and content with my life.

OP, it's like you are ignoring the good advice on this thread and focusing on the bits which reinforce your negative frame of mind. Please try and focus on some positives in your life and the things that ARE within your power to change.

FWIW, I met DH through travel. Which I organised by myself, without the intent to meet someone, just to have a great experience. OLD is fun, but it's always so loaded it can be quite stressful!

OP the unhappiness that you feel comes out in the things you write. Anyone you date will pick up on this. You need to change your mindset. Start by pretending to be positive and do things like smile and say hello to people. Fake it until you make it.

It seems from your dating history that you are nice and men like you at first. Maybe they pick up on your unhappiness with yourself. Only you can change this.

I was single for a very long time by choice. My marriage had ended and I had two DC. For over 8 years I was focused on my kids, work etc and didn't want to meet anyone. I had a decent social life but nobody hit on me and I wasn't asked out.

When I was about 38 I started to think that it would be nice to be in a relationship. Something changed for me and I started to get attention from men. To this day I firmly believe that men had sensed that I wasn't available. I met someone and had a fantastic relationship which lasted 3 years. It ended because of his job which required him to be out of the country.

When I started to get over him, I realised I loved being in a relationship and I decided that I would try to find someone. I was happy again and it showed because I got a lot of attention. I am in my 50's now and am in a 6 year relationship and I adore my partner.

This is a long way of saying you need to make yourself happy first. You are so young. Your past may have been unhappy but don't make that your life.

Watch re-runs of Friends or anything that makes you laugh. You've lost the skill of laughing. If there is laughter therapy in your area go. Read books about positivity and how to get what you want from life. Look for a new job, anything. Rattle your own cage!!

Get excited about having a partner and children instead of feeling pessimistic. Your mindset is everything and people pick up so many non verbal messages from you.

Best of luck, you can get what you want.

Reading between the lines, you are not close to your family and don't have any single friends to do things with, so you are quite lonely and hoping that a man will come and sweep you away from that. It sounds like you are over-investing early on in new relationships and then becoming bitterly disappointed when they don't work out (and indeed you may be suffocating these relationships by being too keen too early).

My advice would be to forget dating for a bit and try and carve a nice single life for yourself by finding some new friends and new things to do, so that when you do start dating again it's from a place of contentment rather than a place of desperation. Singledom can be shitty in many respects, but one of the good sides is that you have an amazing freedom to try new things and re-invent you life in ways that you can't easily do once you are tied down with a partner. Try to embrace that freedom if you can.

am still in brief contact with ex and no one really measures up to him.

Well that is your issue. You still speak to someone that even if you claim you don't like, you compare everybody else to. How do they stand a chance?

To be honest it sounds like your attitude to dating is exactly why you can't keep someone around. You seem very negative about the whole thing. Plus, you shouldn't just date someone because you're lonely and that's what it sounds like you want to date someone for.
Fill your days with so much fun stuff that if someone comes along they will look at your life and think wow I want to be a part of that. Maybe guys at the moment pick up on your 'last chance' feelings, and the fact you seem miserable alone. Nobody wants someone who is miserable, they want a happy independent girl who's life they would love to be a part of.

Only you can bring excitement and fun to your life, so if you haven't got that now then you need to go out and get it. A guy is secondary to having a fulfilling life.

What sort of things do people that are single even fill their lives with? I'm always being told to 'fill my life'... but with what?!

Most people I know in relationships spend their evenings and weekends watching tv and eating rubbish. Seems annoying that single people are expected to do all this stuff just to attract someone.

Why oh why do you want to be in a relationship so that you can stay in and watch TV eating crap And I say that as a (happily) single person.

Things you might do:
a course of study
take up a hobby- painting, music, acting, whatever
join gym or running group or yoga- improve your fitness
get counselling about feeling good in yourself if you need it
meet new people on meetup or other social groups
get a pet
plan and save up for a trip to somewhere you want to go
volunteer
change jobs

There is so much you can be doing in life. I would only want to date someone who's happy in himself with his own life, otherwise I'd feel he was a drain on mine tbh. Maybe some men feel the same. You need to make sure you're in a good place to select someone who's special to you, not just any old bloke, so you have to get comfortable being single so as not to settle Imo.

OP I'm 29 and have been single for nearly ten years (although I have plenty of flings). I have also wondered if I'll ever meet anyone I'll end up with long term, but there's no point in worrying about it. If it happens it happens. I see loads of my friends leaving LTRs and within weeks are with someone else, and I remain single. I honestly don't know how they do it.

The fill your life thing. I have a busy job that keeps me out the house on evenings regularly and on other nights I make plans with friends. But on some nights and almost every Sunday I stay in and watch TV and read. If that's what you want to do then just do it.

I also exercise on evenings and am studying for my masters, but I'd be doing those things if I was in a relationship too. Just live the way you want to to be happy and if you meet someone then happy days, and if not still happy days.

Forever is a long time.

I like to focus on the parts of my life that I am in control of, and make sure that they are as nice as possible.

I also don't believe there is any such thing as "meant to be". None whatsoever.