Accepting being single forever

[teaandcakeat8]

I'm in late twenties and have been single for over two years, apart from a few few month things that never really got into 'relationship' stage. Last one ended just before Christmas.

I genuinely think that I am supposed to be alone forever. I see most of my friends meet men they like, the men like them back and that's it. They get together. For me, there are always complications that mean it doesn't happen. So I think this is the way I'm destined to be.

Have tried to go back OLD since Christmas but my heart isn't in it; am still in brief contact with ex and no one really measures up to him.

I feel like I'm now too old to find someone. I just want some advice on how to come to terms with this, as I'm feeling really lonely and down about it. I keep crying and just feel helpless really.

[ravenmum]

Hopping on this one a bit late, have been reading along and didn't want to derail it, but it seems to be petering out now so maybe I can ask my question of you unwillingly single lot.

In the last 4 years I've had a couple of relationships from OLD; one unexpectedly LDR with a man who probably wasn't very honest with me, and one now with a man who has been very honest from the start that he doesn't believe in long-term relationships. Both extremely good fun to be with, but ultimately leading nowhere. Suited me as I just wanted some new experience, fun after a long marriage, someone to go out with and the odd bit of skin contact (I know exactly what you mean about that from when I was younger and lonely!).

Part of the reason I found these two quickly is probably that I have been open to anyone who seemed to have an OK personality. Now I have started to think that if/when I start looking again, I'll be a bit fussier and look for someone who can actually give me all the things I would like in a relationship.

But would that automatically put me in the unwilling singles' club? Is part of the reason that you are single that you actually have some standards, unlike me currently?!

[lubeybooby]

I once accepted being single forever but 5 years later DP and I have just bought our dream house together. You just never know. The right person will withstand/overcome any obstacles.

[ShatnersWig]

Raven said Is part of the reason that you are single that you actually have some standards, unlike me currently?!

If you'd read the thread, you'd have seen many of us simply never meet anyone single. Or never find anyone on OLD interesting or attractive. That's nothing to do with perceived standards.

[ShatnersWig]

lubey please explain this The right person will withstand/overcome any obstacles.

What obstacles do those of us who have been single 8, 10, 12 years have that the right person will withstand?

[ravenmum]

Not finding anyone on OLD attractive or interesting is precisely what I mean by having standards!

I guess it is hard to measure how high standards are ... but to give you an idea: the first guy, as I said, was obviously keeping something from me from the start - possibly was married, possibly just not planning to move to my town as he claimed. But definitely lying. The second guy has really bad teeth, smokes, drinks, is unemployed and is balding and fat. The first time we went to bed together I had a moment of panic as he looked like my (long gone) grandad ... he has turned out to have a great character, and I find him attractive now, but if I had set any standards at all I would not have found that out.

[ShatnersWig]

Raven May be worth you heading to the dating thread.

I don't think attractiveness is necessarily having standards. We generally all have traits we find attractive or not and which are often dealbreakers. I wouldn't date a smoker, for instance.

[ravenmum]

Then it's just the word "standard" we are using differently.

I dated this smoker because I was just looking for a short-term fling and was OK with putting up for it for a while. Actually it turns out to be fine, though the possible health implications would put me off a bit in the long term. This period of being open to "anyone" (because it is short-term) has actually made me rethink some of my assumptions a little. I have yet to discover if that's a good idea!

I was on the dating thread for a bit, but I'm not dating any more, just have a two-day-a-week relationship with this guy. I do think that it will be a lot harder to find someone more suitable, that I would really enjoy living with. Sounds like that's what you're looking for to me. I think that is hard. OP said "I see most of my friends meet men they like, the men like them back and that's it. They get together." - But how often does that happen? At her age maybe once or twice in your life if you are lucky. It is not an everyday thing.

[ReelingLush18]

Way too young to be thinking this OP - I really only started hitting my stride with relationships in my thirties (and was married before the decade was out) BUT I did have counselling and spent time shifting my mind set about myself, men, relationships etc...

The trouble is that 'standards' can often be a self-imposed block to pursuing the type of relationships which could give you what you are looking for.

Have a dear and lovely friend who into her fifties is continuing to date men who are very intelligent and usually quite handsome (so theoretically a 'catch') but won't commit to her. She says she wants a long-term relationship but continues to only find the same 'type' attractive. This leads me (on the basis of my own experience) to believe that in her heart she doesn't want what she is telling herself she does...or she hasn't yet realised that her mind-set is probably 'blocking' meeting someone (who may be not her usual 'type') who will give her what she's looking for.

[Quiddichcup]

It might be a pickyness thing, possibly being a bit older I know what I want and don't want and having a failed marriage behind me means I don't want to end up in difficult/ shit relationship for the sake of it.

I've done lots of dating and tried out different people and personalities and it's just cemented some things I do want and sometimes shown me that i don't actually like what I think I like.

My time is precious and now I dont want to waste it on dates with people when I know from the start it won't work for me. And so I don't date at all. Which means i havent found anyone in 2 years ago is decent.