Staying together after an affair

[queencerulean]

I’ve been on many threads in the last 11 weeks (do you ever stop counting the weeks?) since finding out about h 9 month affair.

He ended it and confessed and has been suitably remorse and contrite since. He moved out (I chucked him out) and is now living in a rented place. He would happily move back in.

Despite initially completing divorce papers I realised that I wasn’t ready to throw in the towel and wanted to see if we could rebuild. We’re in counselling and have had some dates and are doing a great job of coparenting. Despite everything the kids seem pretty well adjusted after the initial trauma.

In some ways we are now closer than ever. I always thought our marriage was good but looking back I can see we’d drifted apart. He found companionship (and of course sex) with her. In some ways I think we can survive this and build a better marriage. But how do you get over and forgive the months of lies (I asked him outright a few times and he lied to my face).

I’m not making any big decisions yet and I’m rereading the not just friends book. She seems to advocate getting your relationship to as good as it can be and then see whether it still suits.

However I’m worried about confusing the kids and getting their hopes up if they see us getting on and then if I decide to divorce it might really upset them.

I’m also concerned that however much we build a great marriage, i’ll always look at him and see a liar and a cheat.

How do you forgive? How do you do things with him (ie sex) knowing that he did it with her? How do you stop going from feeling close and intimate with him to crying because it still hurts so much.

I know it’s still very early days so for any of you that have got through this please tell me how.

Go download some John Gottman books. Look up his credentials, amazing research over many years. Google Marriage Builders, they will help. Lots of videos on there too. Also Google 'infidelity research papers' which might help you identify why these people do it. Disagreeability is linked to affairs, eh the more agreeable you are, you're less likely to cheat. The more successful you are, you're more likely to cheat. Children who's parents cheat, are more likely to cheat-they act out what happened to them.

Ffs.
You should not have to plan 'dates' with the father of your children in order that he doesnt go shagging someone else. Tell him to grow the fick up and be a dad to his kids or to leave. Funny that being the ones mostly doing the wifework we dont need taking on nigts out to stop us looking elsewhere. What a joke

Your future divorce wont upset them. His behaviour will upset them
I sometimes think women cite kids as the reason to stay in a shite marriage because deep down they want to stay out of love.
You will never forget he is a cheat and liar-because thats who he is.

I would never have taken him back in the first place. Not helpful I know but you'll never be able to trust him again. Fuck that. He only moved back for his home comforts. I would refuse to facilitate him.

The OP hasn't let him move back in, nor taken him back. She's asking how to forgive but makes it clear she's still deciding if that's what she wants to do.

I don't know OP, I have a friend at the moment who is trying to get past it and I struggle to know what to say to her. I know if it was me I wouldn't be able to move past it (I don't think) but I also don't think I'd be prepared to give up without trying really bloody hard to get past it. It's so difficult. None of that is any useful advice but it's a hand hold if nothing else.

Maybe you should read this, I have:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0757306527/ref=cmswwrcppawdbt11_BsjuAb9N7PADB

I meant to say that the book gives a child's perspective which might help you decide what to do.

Are you on a wind-up Bumsnetnetbums or you have totally misunderstood queencerulean

Either way, you’re not being helpful in any way, shape or form.

Same applies to you AhJaysus
Don’t bring your own hang-ups and failures and hang ups to this thread.

Gerti
Sorry to the op. I just wanted her to realise its not her fault. Didnt mean to offend. Just to point out that any potential distress to the kids is not her fault.
The answer is i couldnt try to make it better. And that i could not learn to trust.
OP i am sorry for your situation and commend your efforts. Your kids are lucky to have a lovely mum who is trying to do her best by them. My frustration was in you thinking it is your fault. It really isnt. I believe the pain is the same as any other and will become more bearable in time xx

Bumsnetnetbums

My husband has just left again, I have tried very hard to forgive him as I wanted to carry on, but it proved too difficult for both of us,
but he wanted me to just get on with things and hated how guilty he felt when I was upset, and I was upset for quite a while longer than he wanted or could cope with, and then he continued to lie about some aspects that I only recently found out about.
So you have my admiration, but please be aware it is a very hard path, and you both have to have the same commitment to the same things
I hope it works out the way you want

I don't think I have the answer but I do know that it is possible. My dad had an affair 20 years ago and my mum threw him out. They managed to work through it and have been together ever since. One of my best friends was in the same situation over 10 years ago and again they worked through it and are happier than ever. I found out about my husband 3 years ago and we are still together and working on our relationship. So it is possible. I think you are doing the right thing - see how it goes and then male a decision. I remember someone saying to me that you can only make a decision based on how you feel right now and that may change. So you may decide in a few years you can't be together and that's fine. Just decide how you feel right now and try not to worry too far in advance.

You generally only ever see people saying LTB on threads like this and that's fine as it's their opinion but no one is in your position and therefore it doesn't matter what anyone else would do. I found a lot of my friends said 'I'd never stay with him' but having never been in that situation you really don't know what you would do. Good luck - it is a horrible place to be in but as you said it is very early days right now for you and you won't feel the same forever.

It's so hard. I tried and we both did all the right things. But ultimately although I totally understood why he had an affair, I could not get over the fact that he chose to kiss her the first time rather than walk away.

I had an opportunity to have an affair too but I chose to say no and went home. Not because I loved my H, not because I was scared of being found out, but because I could not betray the trust of the one person (who at the time I didnot really like!) who I promised never to betray, who had been there for me for 20 yrs through great and terrible times. I would not treat another human being with that much disrespect so why would I treat my H like that.

We tried for two years post affair. Had one amazing year ( but in retrospect was fuelled by 'pick me dance' on both sides) and one year gently realising that we needed to separate. Now we are separated (just) but living in the same house and coparenting. So far so good but we shall see.

That's my story. However, I do not regret trying to make it work. Lots of Mumsnetters will say LTB but some have got passed it and built better relationships because of it. Some will say you need to address the power imbalance and have an affair yourself, but you have to decide your path.

My advice is to trust your instincts, go slowly, be really honest in the counselling and see where your brain and heart takes you.

Thanks everyone. bibbidee thanks for the reading. Despite the large amounts of reading I’ve done I hadn’t come across those sites.
bums sorry if I didn’t make it clear. I absolutely know it’s not my fault and there is absolutely no justification for what he did. But looking back I can see how our marriage may have not been as happy as I thought it was. It’s been very painful looking back but I absolutely do not blame myself. Sorry you’ve been there too.

With regards to divorce, I’m not planning on staying for the kids at all although I know I owe it to them to try and work on the marriage. Divorce is absolutely better for them though than an unhealthy marriage and I’m not scared of walking away if that’s the best thing. What I’m worried about is trying to work on our marriage and them getting their hopes up and then dashing them again. I know I can choose to walk at any time but I can’t bear the thought of breaking their hearts again however many months/years down the line if I do walk then. Does that make sense?

andanother how have your kids taken it? Seeing you have an amazing year and then splitting up?

I have thought about having an affair or going out and shagging someone but it won’t make the hurt go away. It’ll just hurt me more.

How did you discover the affair and how long had it been going on? I think it is possible to get past cheating if it was short lived and he owned up straight away. If he lied to you for months and didn't confess until you had proof, I don't think you can get the trust back.

The thing that you have to accept is that whatever happens in the future, your relationship will never be how it was before the affair. You will always wonder if he's being honest each time he says he's working late etc. The people I know who have tried to get past an affair usually end up getting divorced a few years later. The only couple I know who stayed together and tell everyone how things are wonderful now, wanted to keep their lovely house which is large enough for them to have separate bedrooms and bathrooms.

My DH had an affair almost two years ago. We decided to stay together, but the last two years have been the worst of my life. It is unbelievably hard and in answer to your questions, these feelings never really go away. You feel them less keenly and you learn to live with the situation, kind of in the same way that you do with a bereavement, but it's never the same again. Those thoughts still pop into my mind very regularly. I will never trust him again and I'm sure that everyone who knows about what happened regards him differently too and always will. Our marriage feels like it has a dirty stain on it that no matter how much it's rubbed, will never be clean. I don't think the deep sadness and disappointment will ever go.

I watched the Esther Perel Ted talk the other night, it was an eye opener. Maybe some of the judgemental people should take a look as well

As a society, we place such emphasis on finding the one, our soulmate and expect things, feelings to just carry us through. The reality is, marriage and relationships take hard work and it's this long haul we want to avoid. So much easier to swap a partner if they're not meeting a need.

I'm with you OP, I believe marriage its the glue to a healthy society bringing up children but it's how to achieve this aspiration? It makes me so sad that we don't fight hard for marriage. Respect for you guys on here that fought for your marriages in light of the affairs. 💐👍

There are many questions in your post queen I think it’s best to break things down so it’s manageable and not think too much about the future. Focus and deal with how you’re feeling now.

First, consider whether you want the marriage you had before the affair.
Was he controlling, didn’t pull his weight, emotionally abusive, physically abusive? Were YOU happy?

If the answer is NO then move on.

If the answer is YES then it may be worth trying again but you have to accept that marriage is gone and although it’s possible to stay married to your H. The marriage itself will never be the same again but it can still be good.

OP, I have no doubt that some people can get over an affair.

I couldn't. I tried but the length and the severity of the deception (18 months, perhaps longer, with my friend, in my house) was just too much.

I genuinely think that if someone is comfortable lying to your face for months, as in your case, then they can never really be trusted again. And for me, no trust=no marriage.

I will say thought, that now we're separated, I am in such a better place, mentally. I feel at peace, calm, happy. I wish my ex well and know that we will co-parent really well. But I am very, very glad I'm no longer married to him.

And Bums (heh) is right. You'll always see him as a liar and cheat, because that's what he is. IMHO, you deserve a lot better.

One more thing to consider, since we separated, I found out about some more infidelities. So consider the fact that just because you found out about this one, doesn't mean it was the first time.

Mine was contrite, expressed remorse, didn't want the OW. Meant shit all when it came down to it.

Some people are just terrible spouses.