Staying together after an affair

[queencerulean]

I’ve been on many threads in the last 11 weeks (do you ever stop counting the weeks?) since finding out about h 9 month affair.

He ended it and confessed and has been suitably remorse and contrite since. He moved out (I chucked him out) and is now living in a rented place. He would happily move back in.

Despite initially completing divorce papers I realised that I wasn’t ready to throw in the towel and wanted to see if we could rebuild. We’re in counselling and have had some dates and are doing a great job of coparenting. Despite everything the kids seem pretty well adjusted after the initial trauma.

In some ways we are now closer than ever. I always thought our marriage was good but looking back I can see we’d drifted apart. He found companionship (and of course sex) with her. In some ways I think we can survive this and build a better marriage. But how do you get over and forgive the months of lies (I asked him outright a few times and he lied to my face).

I’m not making any big decisions yet and I’m rereading the not just friends book. She seems to advocate getting your relationship to as good as it can be and then see whether it still suits.

However I’m worried about confusing the kids and getting their hopes up if they see us getting on and then if I decide to divorce it might really upset them.

I’m also concerned that however much we build a great marriage, i’ll always look at him and see a liar and a cheat.

How do you forgive? How do you do things with him (ie sex) knowing that he did it with her? How do you stop going from feeling close and intimate with him to crying because it still hurts so much.

I know it’s still very early days so for any of you that have got through this please tell me how.

I understand. That’s very sad 💐

It sounds like they prioritised their own relationship and just weren’t very good parents.

@affairnamechange

...parents always, always underestimate their children's awareness of the minutiae of their relationship

Agree with you. Even the lack of arguing can be disconcerting for children. They don't get to see disagreements unpacked or resolved... It's hard for parents and kids!

affsir that sounds really tough on you and your siblings. Thanks for sharing your story.

It’s teally hard isn’t it. You think you’re doing right by the kids but you never really know how the alternative would have worked out. Sadly my dc know as h announced it to them in a panic once he’d told me. The following days/weeks were hellish and although I’m under no illusions that this hasn’t affected them, for now they seem pretty happy and well adjusted.

H has had to face consequences. He no longer lives here, everyone knows (I was adamant I wasn’t going to keep his grubby secret) and he’s seen that he truly hurt his wife and kids. I can’t feel sympathy for him but I’m not sure he’ll ever recover from seeing us broken or will forgive himself.

My worry at the moment is by trying to rebuild a relationship we are having family time together and I’m scared that’s confusing for them or getting their hopes up. However they really seem to enjoy doing stuff with the two of us and we’ve had some really nice times. I know they all want us to get back together and it will break their hearts if we divorce. That’s why I need to give this a go. To know that I tried for me and them.

And again I say it.
Sex with these men is dangerous and they are risking your lives. Please protect yourselves and your health. You cannot trust them to.

My DH had an affair nearly 10 years ago. I was so interested to read the comment that said that those who stick it out are quite often the ones who come in for stick; everyone is always keen on the ‘kick him out’ ‘I wouldn’t have him back’ sound bites, but you just don’t know until you’re there. The first couple of years were brutal. I didn’t know if my feelings of betrayal would ever go, but they do and they have. Trust him? Probably not as much as I did. Forgive him? As much as you can if you’re going to stay. You can’t throw it back every argument you have and that’s so hard in the first few months. You’ll do what’s right for you and your family. Good luck x

It just seems that all men cheat and all women are expected to live with it by either leaving or staying but either way the outcome is shit. I hated sex with my oh after his affair imagined it with her. Hated knowing he mever really wanted to be with me.
Nothing is so quick to kill self esteem than a partner who demonstrates what little respect they have for you and what blatent diseregard theu have for your health. It truly is crap to be a woman

After about three years and when you feel totally sure the OW is gone, you do actually forget and feel ok again. But 2.5 years are horrible. Then it just kind of fades.

I can’t imagine 2 years of feeling like this. Right now I feel so cross with him that I’m going through this. Is it really worth it?

I’m not scared of getting divorced or being alone. What I am scared of is walking away and regretting that I didn’t give him another chance.

It’s all so fucking confusing.

I don’t think anybody starts out as ‘not wanting to get over it’. Wanting to get past infidelity and getting past infidelity are two separate things, just because you want to doesn’t mean you will.

You have children so the stakes are high but It sounds like you’re putting yourself under enormous pressure and your understandable concerns are a reflection of that. What’s the rush? Your H threw a grenade into your marriage and the damage can’t be disguised by date nights or sex. Your beliefs as to the character of your H has been changed forever, even if you continue to stay in the relationship he is no longer the man who never would but the man who did and did so for nearly a year.

Give yourself time., have counselling on your own and work out what you need because that may differ from what you want. Even if you continue in the marriage, doesn’t mean that you can’t change your mind later if despite all your efforts, you can’t get past it.

Be kind to yourself.

Queen I wrote on another one of your threads under a different user name. I agree with Isetan when she asks “what’s the rush?”

I remember in the previous thread you had read a book which said you should make your mind up within 6 months about whether to stay or separate. Is this still on your mind do you think? I really feel that is a very arbitrary cutoff point and also a very small amount of time to make any decision.

Please take the pressure off yourself. If it takes you 12 months to decide, that’s fine.

I followed a very unconventional path when it happened to me. I basically said that if he really wanted to try again then I needed 6 months space and he would need to leave for 6 months. I told him that I didnt want him bombarding me with messages etc as I felt he too needed the space to decide if getting back together was really what he wanted. I wanted to see his behaviour from afar! I think there is almost a rush to try again when these things happen as 1. You are scared they will go back to the OW and 2. You feel so rejected and hurt that you just want things to be back to normal.

I made no promises to him and said that I would do what I wanted during those 6 months as I needed to see if I missed him and he me. I actually went on dates during that time and slept with two men. He knows this and says that it serves him right. He knows how much it hurt me because this hurt him even though that wasn't my intention.

After the 6 months were up (it was closer to 7 actually) we both decided that we had missed the other and that it wasn't just staying together for the kids, went to counselling to work on the relationship and here we are three years later. I don't worry about trusting him because I know I was fine on my own and know that I could attract other people. I now do as I please too including going away with friends each year which he didn't like beforehand.

Maybe not for everyone but worked for me.

Zoomtune, did you actually see each other much during that time, as to be honest this is what I would have preferred to do but I think would go down like a cup of cold sick if suggested and would end up feeling obliged to meet up 3 or 4 times a week

No. Only on handover days and when he needed reminding of the deal he got a reminder! It was all on my terms. I think too many women end up being the ones who do all the work when this happens and too many men get off too lightly. He now knows what it feels like to know his so called "DW" has slept with other people and was desirable to other men and I am glad he does because it might make him think twice the next time someone gives him attention!

Zoomtune, I think you acted very sensibly. I wouldn't have had the balls to do that and am envious that I didn't!

This is really my own story but I don't, truly, think anyone ever really gets over a long-term affair. You have to face the fact every day that your chosen partner in life, the one who is supposed to have your back, to be your rock, chose to do something that they KNEW would hurt you horribly. Just to get a shag. How can you ever really get past that?

That's my story though. Not everyone's.