Staying together after an affair

[queencerulean]

I’ve been on many threads in the last 11 weeks (do you ever stop counting the weeks?) since finding out about h 9 month affair.

He ended it and confessed and has been suitably remorse and contrite since. He moved out (I chucked him out) and is now living in a rented place. He would happily move back in.

Despite initially completing divorce papers I realised that I wasn’t ready to throw in the towel and wanted to see if we could rebuild. We’re in counselling and have had some dates and are doing a great job of coparenting. Despite everything the kids seem pretty well adjusted after the initial trauma.

In some ways we are now closer than ever. I always thought our marriage was good but looking back I can see we’d drifted apart. He found companionship (and of course sex) with her. In some ways I think we can survive this and build a better marriage. But how do you get over and forgive the months of lies (I asked him outright a few times and he lied to my face).

I’m not making any big decisions yet and I’m rereading the not just friends book. She seems to advocate getting your relationship to as good as it can be and then see whether it still suits.

However I’m worried about confusing the kids and getting their hopes up if they see us getting on and then if I decide to divorce it might really upset them.

I’m also concerned that however much we build a great marriage, i’ll always look at him and see a liar and a cheat.

How do you forgive? How do you do things with him (ie sex) knowing that he did it with her? How do you stop going from feeling close and intimate with him to crying because it still hurts so much.

I know it’s still very early days so for any of you that have got through this please tell me how.

I often wonder when people say "they are stronger than ever"whether they are lying to hide the fact they were to proud or scared to get a divorce.
I just can't see how a relationship can be stronger after infidelity

Queen

My DD was 12 at the time. DH never left so logistically we did not have to explain to much as things carried on on the face of it normally.

We told her about the counselling as she was on her own in the house when we went and explained that we needed some help to solve some problems we were having. As kids do she just got on with it. She asked a couple of times how we were doing and I told her a version of the truth that she could handle.

In all things kids, I think honesty at a level of detail and words appropriate to their age is the best way forward. The counsellor could help you with a plan of managing their expectations and how to do it.

One thing is that I made sure I never bad mouthed H, never mentioned the affair in front of her or made snide remarks etc etc. She didnot need to know about it as he stayed. I still haven't told her (h is okay with her knowing if I want her to) as it serves no benefit to her. Pisses me off of course as a bit of H the villain might make me feel better but as Mothers we sacrifice for the best of our kids.

Exactly, ferando.

Chump Lady expresses it well in that she says you'd never say your relationship was stronger after any other form of abuse (and that's what affairs are, abusive behaviour). "Our marriage was so much stronger once Bill had punched me through a doorway and he attended anger management counselling!"

I hate chumplady 😂

I wouldn’t say my marriage is stronger ferando81. Our relationship is better in many ways but the marriage is fragile.

For many, affairs and subsequent counselling makes people address any flaws in the marriage and appreciate each other.

My father had multiple affairs and my mother never threw him out. We didn’t even find out until we were late teenagers when the strange patterns of her passive aggression and his attempts to fix it suddenly made sense. I think it would have been better for all of us if they had separated. I wonder how different my mother could have been if she had felt truly loved and safe in the relationship.

OP, it's a difficult one. I can see why you want to work at it. Everyone's situation is different. I do have a friend who forgave an affair. She has never really got over it to be honest. She says it's like breaking a plate and then saying sorry to it. It's still broken. Good luck whatever you decide.

We are 7 years post affair. I have to admit I did the revenge affair technique, then tried therapy and got very angry as dh played the victim. But now we are happy, I don't know if it helps but I realised a happy person doesn't cheat, he wasn't getting something from our marriage at that time but neither was I ( although I didn't see it) I thought we were plodding along. Looking back plodding along was shit. And although an affair was really really fucking awful to get past. We are stronger now. The thing that made it easier was knowing how easily he cut contact with her. I think if he had struggled I would have known he wasn't all in on us moving on. Hth

My BIL had an affair, twice, with the same woman. She was originally a colleague, then the affair was discovered, he ended it, his wife threw him out until he went into therapy / counselling. Kids in teens at this point. He came back, 18 months later SIL found out he was seeing her again as she had moved back to their city. BIL had told colleagues that he'd been thrown out because his DW didn't like him travelling for work .

I would not have got past this. SIL did, it's now 25yrs ago and they have celebrated their 35th wedding anniversary. SIL had an EA about 10yrs ago but ended it. SIL's parents had divorced in her teens and she refused contact after that with her DF, she says staying together was the best option for all of them.

I can't see inside their relationship to judge what it might have cost them, emotionally, to stay together, I certainly didn't want to stay with exH once I knew he was in love with OW ..... but people do make it work.

Lots of food for thought.
gertie I cant get on with chump lady either! In answer to your questions, no there was no abuse, control etc. Was I happy? That’s a difficult one. I thought I was, I thought our marriage was fine. But examining it, I realise that we were coexisting really. We’ve never been in each other’s pockets and have our own interests etc and I can see that we had drifted apart and wasn’t doing enough together. Again, I’m not saying this to justify his behaviour but just to examine why he took the companionship on offer. I’ve also realised that my job hasn’t been making me fulfilled and that’s something I aim to sort out this year. But we had been happy. Very happy. And I think we could get that back.

dinnerdate I ordered the Esther Parel book earlier this week so will read it at some point. A friend has also recommended the ted talks and podcasts.

As someone else alluded too. It might not be the first. I have cheated on people and mostly I didn't get caught! Men will always spin you a yarn to get out of the shit. Is he really interested in being with you or just wants his family back? To be honest I had completely lost interest in my OH and we only stayed together for the kids. I then had 2 more affairs in the next 5 years. We clung on far too long.

I know my behaviour was despicable. I wish I had just had the bollocks to start again and to it properly before any of the deceit. Cowardly

I just can't see how a relationship can be stronger after infidelity

I used to say this all the time. But I can see why it could. The depth you go to in conversations and counselling that some people do, it takes a relationship to a completely different level. Pretty sure Esther Perel mentions something similar in her TED talks.

I wouldn’t say our relationship is stronger than ever, it’s only been 14 months, but, I can completely see how a relationship can completely change. We talk in a completely different way, we empathise differently. It’s almost matured down a different road and it’s odd.

• odd is a rubbish word for me to use because I just can’t explain it lol

BB I can obviously never be 100% sure but I’m as sure as I can be it was his first. All the signs were there. I just stupidly trusted him and believed his lies instead of trusting my instincts. I have asked him many times whether it’s me or the family and he assures me he wants me and our marriage. Of course he’s proven himself to be a liar so anything he says is hard to believe.
dot I can imagine that. After on,y a handful of counselling sessions we talk to each other differently. Is it sustainable though after a few more months/years?

Can you be sure?

No-one can be sure. There’s a huge percentage of the population living their lives oblivious to the fact their partner either has or is cheating on them.
In my case, the OWs DH.

That's the hard bit queen. You will never know for sure. I'm sure my OH thought I wouldn't have any more affairs but I did. Like I say, cowardly behaviour on my part and a definite flaw in my make up! A lot of men don't want to lose their kids but can take or leave their wives. It's the latter bit that you need to be certain of, but realistically can you ever be? Often it ends up being the betrayed one who puts all the effort in because their fear is actually worse than the betrayer! Sometimes the guilty party sees forgiveness as a weakness and a green light. I did! Like I say though I am not a nice person clearly and maybe your husband is better than me.

No I can never be sure. But then no one can.

It’s thoroughly depressing. Why can’t people be faithful. All the threads on here about affairs is heartbreaking.

Why BB? Even if you could take or leave your oh, she’s the mother of your children and surely all of them deserve better. Sorry, I’m not meaning to have a go at you but I genuinely don’t understand why people do it especially multiple times. I’ve asked h so many times why. But ultimately there is no answer that satisfies me.

deckoff despite everything, I love him still. I may not feel that huge overwhelming love and respect but I still love him.

I also think that once you’ve been cheated on you will never trust anyone again.

Despite the betrayal, I probably trust my DH more than I would trust anyone else.

There would be no answer from me that would satisfy you either. Abusive childhood, mum had affair when I was 8, dad numerous affairs, emotional abuse, first wife had affair. I can't answer why. I don't know myself.

That’s kind of how I feel gertie

Thank you for your honesty bb.

Despite what others are saying queen
I don’t think you’re doing the ‘pick me dance’ at all. That’s another phrase I hate that seems to be chanted at every opportunity on MN. That and the prize’

I’m glad you’ve said that gertie as I didn’t think that I was and have just been trying to reflect on it. He’s not with OW and finished with her before confessing so he’s already picked me.