Staying together after an affair

[queencerulean]

I’ve been on many threads in the last 11 weeks (do you ever stop counting the weeks?) since finding out about h 9 month affair.

He ended it and confessed and has been suitably remorse and contrite since. He moved out (I chucked him out) and is now living in a rented place. He would happily move back in.

Despite initially completing divorce papers I realised that I wasn’t ready to throw in the towel and wanted to see if we could rebuild. We’re in counselling and have had some dates and are doing a great job of coparenting. Despite everything the kids seem pretty well adjusted after the initial trauma.

In some ways we are now closer than ever. I always thought our marriage was good but looking back I can see we’d drifted apart. He found companionship (and of course sex) with her. In some ways I think we can survive this and build a better marriage. But how do you get over and forgive the months of lies (I asked him outright a few times and he lied to my face).

I’m not making any big decisions yet and I’m rereading the not just friends book. She seems to advocate getting your relationship to as good as it can be and then see whether it still suits.

However I’m worried about confusing the kids and getting their hopes up if they see us getting on and then if I decide to divorce it might really upset them.

I’m also concerned that however much we build a great marriage, i’ll always look at him and see a liar and a cheat.

How do you forgive? How do you do things with him (ie sex) knowing that he did it with her? How do you stop going from feeling close and intimate with him to crying because it still hurts so much.

I know it’s still very early days so for any of you that have got through this please tell me how.

Yes. Also remember that not only did he choose to be with you, he chose NOT to be with her.

I think that once YOU have decided that you can possibly see a way forward with him you need to check that’s what HE also wants. You then have a mutual goal.

It’s important you both understand that you aren’t reconciled but have just made the decision to not pull the plug on the marriage and that either of you can change your mind at any point.

My next point will not sit well with many posters but I think it’s crucial to the future of your marriage. This is a mutual goal so you must help and support each other. Only say and do things to help you, do not say or do things just to spite or deliberately hurt him. This is a relationship, not a competition.

Hi Queen, just book marking to read later. Lots of interesting questions and views here.

@BBK68

Infidelity. Why? Well if you read Parents That Cheat, it says in there that children act our their own parents Infidelity/cheating and so it continues in to the next generation.

I also read that 'agreeableness' and 'contentiousness' is linked to faithfulness so therefore the opposite is linked to infidelity.

My Dad had an affair, and my parents stayed together. It was an absolute nightmare and something I and my siblings will never recover from...e.g years of violent arguments, throwing plates, trust issues that got taken out on us. My Mum would ask me to check up on him constantly, tell me what a bastard he was, and then flip to wanting to suck up to him and make sure his food was perfect for him etc, it used to drive me mental. I can totally see why my Dad had an affair (though it is completely unforgivable), but I don’t think it was fair on us to stay together. They are still together now 18 years later but still have huge insecurities!

Of course this completely depends how you handle the situation but don’t think for one second it’s always the best option for the children to stay together.

gettie, I’ve been reading that and wonder whether I can do it. I already let snide comments out (not in front of the kids) and I find it hard to be nice to him when he’s upset because he bought it on himself.

three hello, how are you doing?

number that sounds hideous and we definitely won’t be like that. It’s not that I’d stay for the children as such but I feel I owe it to them to try and make it work. If we can be happy together then that’s better for the kids but there’s absolutely no way I’ll let them grow up in s toxic environment. I’m trying to put them first.

I think the main thing is, regardless of people giving the same usual spiel of "why would you want s cheat" "you deserve better etc" the fact is people can make mistakes. Some people get swept up into an affair and they just like a bit of attention and it's all a mad rush and once the dust settles they start thinking "oh god I made a mistake" whereas there are people that do it again and again.

I have no experience that can help you I'm afraid but I have genuinely seen my friends come back from affairs and it has made them stronger, because also from you Husbands point of view, the realisation of what he has/could have lost is sometimes enough to change them.

The only advice I would possibly give is, take it slow. Make sure it's what you want because at the end of the day it's you that's lying next to him at night.

But your 100% right he CHOSE to be with you. That counts for something.

A BH once said that he gets through the visions of his wife having sex with the OM....by viewing him as an Ex BF. He stayed because of his sons and because he sees hiw very ashamed and sorry his wife is.

She knows she messed up and is grateful he didn't leave her.

The mind movies fade away in time .... but for those who just can't get through it ... divorce is inevitable.

Take this opportunity (If you reconcile) to say how you want things to be like going forward. You have the upper hand at this point... so use it to your best advantage.

He’s not with OW and finished with her before confessing so he’s already picked me.

I might be wrong (So many affair threads), but didn't he confess because her DH found out?

In other words...the affair would likely still be going on of they weren't busted.

I'm not being mean by saying that...but there is a difference in confessing under those circumstances.

Oh fuck sandy I’d forgotten that. At the time I think he said it was already over. I think they’d finished seeing each other a few days before he found out. Of course I can never be sure

queen I am almost 15 weeks out and the reason I keep going is because I promised myself that I will make a decision to divorce when the raw emotions are gone. It is very early and the decision you make now may be regretted later either way. I threatened divorce a few times in the early weeks but now I want to give it a fair chance for the marriage we once had and for my kids. There are no guarantees we will make it because I need first to figure out if this is a deal breaker for me.

We didn't separate so I don't need to explain to my kids anything besides making out some white lies about why mummy cries (I am having a tough time and I need to cry, go to counselling, crying is fine etc).

When/if that time comes the kids will only face the final separation and I will be less emotional therefore easier to deal with their emotions.

I learnt a few things from surviving infidelity forum: there will never be a satisfying answer to the "why" question, this is a massive rollercoaster of emotions so brace yourself for the next couple of years, you could end up with a happier marriage (though I don't know how myself) and society these days is more judgmental for staying rather than divorcing.

If it helps I was in the "I'd never stay" camp before it happened to me. Now I learnt that never say never and that life isn't really so black or white...

Just a word of warning, the surviving infidelity forum, if you choose to use it, can be helpful but it can also be pain shopping and some posters and so burnt they will not realise their posts are unhelpful and triggering to others.

Just take it easy on there. Its valuable, but you have to be able to take what you need and chuck away the rest

I agree re surviving infidelity forum, I don't post much, I read and take what I feel suits our situation and discard the rest. I remember I posted literally about 4 weeks after finding out and it threw my anxieties so high that I was a mess. People insisting I don't know everything (that's relative anyway, we'll never know everything as we weren't there) that my H was still lying (he admitted to mostly everything on DDay, of course I don't believe I know all of it but some details were so hurtful that I can't see how he tried to protect me so I choose to believe I have got as much as possible of the full picture that not much I would find out now would make a difference) that he needs to leave his job there and then even though I insisted it wasn't possible just yet.

Basically people are projecting so brace yourself if you decide to post. I read a lot though and it helps seeing that what I am going through isn't abnormal and I am not crazy.

Brokenlife That's exactly the behaviour I mean. They insist you don't know it all and play devil on your shoulder even when you're into reconcillation. It's a little brutal but I've also read things that have really helped me take steps in moving on and given me new outlooks on life.

I think you need to take your time and heal. Personally, I couldn't get over it and divorced him, the man and marriage I thought I ha didn't exist and I knew things would never be the same again

One thing I️ notice with surviving infidelity is it is USA centric and there seems to be huge incidences Of strip clubs, hookers etc involved , far More than anything ever seen on anything uk centric that is infidelity related

To all the posters taking back cheating husbands.
Please please be aware of the dangers of sexually transmitted diseases. Its all well making a better marriage but your health has been put at risk.
Women die from cervical cancer which is caused by hpv. They can birth children who go blind due to chlamydia. Neonatal herpes can kill a baby.
Please in the efforts to build a marriage and safe home for your kids, look after your health first and foremost as the cheating partners dont and wont. Be watchful and see it for what it is. Sex with these men can be dangerous.

All 4 of my children are oblivious to my DHs affair

Believe me. They’re oblivious.
Everyone is oblivious.
We don’t fight, we don’t argue and we don’t talk about it in the house.

They see a loving couple, and we are a loving couple.

They don’t know for sure but do not, for one minute, think that my DH has not had to face consequences or has been ‘let off’

It can be done.

That’s great! The consequences absolutely should fade and 30 years down the line, neither of them should be thinking about it.

I’m sorry you feel you suffered as a child but please let your parents move on from this.

I’m sorry, the fact you say that the consequences between a couple are trivial and how the outside world perceives the marriage is more important shows how this has influenced your own relationship.

This is why I’m adamant my children will not be involved.