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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Terrifying rant from dp

80 replies

Arnie101 · 06/01/2018 01:33

Sorry as this is hard to explain. Me and DP had a lovely day today. In the evening we had a few drinks and went out for dinner- very nice. He bought more drink on the way home and kept drinking - he was slurring but in a nice mood and we went up to bed later than planned because once he starts he just wants to keep drinking. So in bed I was a bit snippy and sulky with him but really a bit disapointed our last evening has turned out all 'drinky'.

Suddenly he utterly snapped and went into a terrifying rage - he spent a solid 5 or more minutes yelling (really yelling) at me "shut the fuck up. Fuck up. Shut up. You boring bitch. Shut the fuck up". Over and over for 5 minutes or more (I was scared and started to time it). I didnt speak at all and in the end left the room. It was like he was possessed - i think its the alcohol - he is a big drinker. When I came back I said what are we going to do now? And he said nothing, we'll have a nice day tomorrow and it will be fine, and sulked off to sleep.

But I am devastated. I feel like it's over how can I get past that? It's an awful side of him I've never seen. I dont know what to think and any advice would be welcome.

Background - I'm not a nag but I am arsey and let him know when im pissed off. He's is strong willed and touchy with a lot of pent up anger not normally directed at me. And we both normally think each other are fantastic- honestly. But this feels like something new and disastrous.

More background - this afternoon I persuaded him to agree to one more go at ivf. weve been ttc for ages, me more keen than him. It feels linked somehow but not sure. Any thoughts would help so much. I can't help feeling my touchyness has destroyed us.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 06/01/2018 01:39

This is only one opinion, and others may say it's knee-jerk etc, but it would be a dealbreaker for me. I ate being shouted at, feel very unsafe around people who lose control like that and I really don't like drunk men. Obviously if it's very occasional, parties etc I can handle it but your dp sounds like a problem drinker tbh and if this is his first angry outburst I doubt it will be his last. The lack of remorse and minimising is another red flag to me. I'd be thinking exit strategies now.

Original poster
Arnie101 · 06/01/2018 01:47

Thank you - yes i feel like a line has been crossed. Maybe its been building up for years but i too feel unsafe around drunk men. He did lose control really. Even though he's never touched me it's the atmosphere. Being construed as a boring nag because i'd rather he drank less. He doesnt drink all the time, and can and has stopped for ages but when he does its never just one.

OP posts:
nevereverafter · 06/01/2018 02:01

That would be it for me too. It's very very upsetting and sad but I couldn't be with someone like that.

More importantly I wouldn't want someone with that type of anger as the father of my kids.

Maybe, possibly if splitting isn't an option for now then maybe some anger management course or something.🤷🏻‍♀️

The drinking is irrelevant

MillennialFalcon · 06/01/2018 02:03

That sounds so scary. It's not your fault. Sounds like he has a problem with alcohol and anger.

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/01/2018 02:08

Please please dont continue to try and have a baby with him.

I can fully understand your need to try again with IVF but domestic abuse often either starts or gets worse when the woman is pregnant. Please dont do this to yourself or a child you may conceive.

Leave, leave, leave. Please.

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/01/2018 02:10

I should add.... I saw this side too and wrote it off as "Just the drink" and when he said he didnt mean it, I believed him. I saw it again, and again and again.

I was so wrong, please save yourself from what I had to go through.

Topseyt · 06/01/2018 02:17

If the drink worsens his anger problem then he is a problem drinker too and it certainly isn't irrelevant.

Think long and hard about whether or not you want to keep trying for a baby with someone who has so little self control. It will get worse if a baby does arrive, if not before then.

Charolais · 06/01/2018 02:18

Get away from him a quick as you can. If I got pregnant with a man like this I’d get an abortion. He should not be breeding.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/01/2018 02:24

Ugh.
He's a binge drinker who can't stop once he starts - I believe that's one definition of an alcoholic.

and it may be, although it isn't true for everyone, that the alcohol releases his inhibitions and allows him to say his true feelings (or yell them, in this instance).

What bother me most about it is that he thinks you can just brush it off and go back to normal tomorrow - how could you? I couldn't! That's a terrifying insight into someone you think you know and love - a side you didn't know was there. But now it's been let out, you'll probably see it more. And it may escalate if you do let this one slide - like toddlers pushing boundaries to see what they can get away with.

It may be that the IVF/TTC situation is making him more stressed than he's let on, but it may be that he's just sick of the subject, since he's less bothered about having children than you are. Either way, I think I'd give him his wish here - stop TTC, stop talking about IVF and plan to leave him.

So sorry you've had this experience Thanks -- but one very minor silver lining is that, if you DO decide to call it a day, you don't have anything holding you to him forever.

Glitterandunicorns · 06/01/2018 02:36

That sounds pretty scary, OP. I'm afraid that would be a deal-breaker for me.

You said that you were concerned that your touchyness had destroyed you: it's not- it's his problem drinking and scary attitude that has done that. Anyone reasonable would be falling over themselves to apologise and make it up to you for behaving so appallingly and treating you so badly while under the influence. The fact that he doesn't even seem to be slightly apologetic for his behaviour is deeply concerning, and I fear this suggests that this is the first step in a slippery slope of EA, if not DV.

Please leave this man, OP. Definitely don't have children with him. Even if he was stressed about IVF and TTC, this is absolutely not a normal reaction and shouldn't be tolerated.

Take care, OP Thanks

cantfindname · 06/01/2018 02:36

My ex (note: ex) once exploded into a fit of shouty rage like this for no apparent reason. I was driving home from town, only 3 miles, and he suddenly went berserk. I was so scared I stopped and got out of the car leaving him to drive home. He also expected everything to return to normal afterwards.

Sadly it was the first of many tantrums and he was out the door in fairly short order. I never did find out what it was all about but it was so completely random that it terrified me.

Original poster
Arnie101 · 06/01/2018 02:40

Thank you for you messages. It's what I thought but couldn't face up to. seeing it in black and white is a wake up call.Have to sleep now but will check back in morning. Thanks.

OP posts:
frasier · 06/01/2018 02:44

Has your H had a full medical re the TTC? Do you think if he was told that his drinking was stuffing up his liver/kidney function and possibly contributing to the TTC issue that he would stop? Do you know whether his parents were/are drinkers?

Maybe you need to leave for a while. Is there anywhere you could go? Stay with family or friends or ask him to do that? Even if you decide to treat it as a one off and have another IVF attempt, you shouldn't go into it stressed. You need a break to think.

CIssieB · 06/01/2018 02:45

OP, please spare a child the misery of this man and leave this man.

Original poster
Arnie101 · 06/01/2018 02:46

And it is making me think twice about ttc - like I've been fixated on it and ignoring the signs about his short temper etc. Just to acheive that one thing iyswim?

OP posts:
Original poster
Arnie101 · 06/01/2018 02:52

Sorry yes - he totally stopped drinking the first time we were ttc - stopped completely for a few years. They were our best years and I was well aware of that. Since we have stopped ttc and he started again it's like he has recommited to it or something.! Although he agreed to give up again soon so we can try again.

OP posts:
frasier · 06/01/2018 02:56

"...like I've been fixated on it and ignoring the signs about his short temper etc. Just to acheive that one thing iyswim?"

Absolutely. And it would be the most important thing if you were both on the same page. But his actions are not normal and whatever his problem, he should not have taken it out on you.

frasier · 06/01/2018 02:59

I think you need a break from him and he needs to see someone about his drinking.

BrokenBattleDroid · 06/01/2018 03:03

Even if the relationship is salvageable (and I'm really not sure if it is, it's certainly reasonable to consider that a deal-breaker esp with the lack of remorse), then please don't continue with ivf until he has sorted his drinking and anger issues. They won't go away, and small children have a special ability to amplify any problem in a relationship 100x.

So sorry though OP, what a horrible thing to be on the receiving end of, and then leaving you feeling like you're supposed to click back into normal mode Flowers

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 06/01/2018 03:05

It’s over, unless you want to live in and possibly bring a child into an abusive relationship. Could you imagine him screaming at your small child like that? IVF is stressful - I know because I’ve done that - but it won’t test a relationship the way sleep deprivation and a screaming baby would. He can’t even handle a night out and a few drinks. He needs to go.

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/01/2018 03:08

like I've been fixated on it and ignoring the signs about his short temper etc

So his temper isnt just a drunken thing then?

Please leave him x

Original poster
Arnie101 · 06/01/2018 03:14

I know what the response will be but is it possible that I am a controlling nag? How can I tell? I know the day ended really disapointingly for us both - we were only going to read and listen to something on the radio and go to bed. I feel like i should have kept my mouth shut for 10 minutes just to get us to that point. I know that sounds mad.

OP posts:
Sugarpiehoneyeye · 06/01/2018 03:21

When a man lets you know who he really is, listen up !
OP, take this opportunity to leave, whilst you still can, he may not have been violent yet, but he certainly has it in him.
He drinks because he chooses to. You too are stressed, but that is no excuse for his behaviour, so please don't accept this, as a reason. He will always have an excuse. Leave tomorrow, not next time.
He certainly isn't the be all, and end all, your dreams of a baby will come true, with the right man.💐

Squeegle · 06/01/2018 03:23

It is literally irrelevant whether you are this or that. His behaviour sounds frightening and in your position this would be the call that says no. His drinking sounds a really problem and this behaviour won’t be a one off. He reminds me of my ex, it started with one incident like this but got worse-
He always wanted to say sorry and move on, and like you I blamed myself “am I really annoying?” Etc. But let me say with the voice of experience- even if I’m not perfect- no one should shout and be abusive like that. He got a lot worse after we had kids. He is now my ex but I wish I had heeded those red flags.
Don’t minimise. Good luck.

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/01/2018 03:26

"If only I had........"

The words of abused women the world over.

Do you want to live the rest of your life trying to predict when he will kick off and trying to behave in such a way that it doesnt happen?

And then saying to your child "Dont do/say that because Daddy might get cross"? when the child is just playing like any kid would? Is that any kind of life for you or a child?