Terrifying rant from dp

[Arnie101]

Sorry as this is hard to explain. Me and DP had a lovely day today. In the evening we had a few drinks and went out for dinner- very nice. He bought more drink on the way home and kept drinking - he was slurring but in a nice mood and we went up to bed later than planned because once he starts he just wants to keep drinking. So in bed I was a bit snippy and sulky with him but really a bit disapointed our last evening has turned out all 'drinky'.

Suddenly he utterly snapped and went into a terrifying rage - he spent a solid 5 or more minutes yelling (really yelling) at me "shut the fuck up. Fuck up. Shut up. You boring bitch. Shut the fuck up". Over and over for 5 minutes or more (I was scared and started to time it). I didnt speak at all and in the end left the room. It was like he was possessed - i think its the alcohol - he is a big drinker. When I came back I said what are we going to do now? And he said nothing, we'll have a nice day tomorrow and it will be fine, and sulked off to sleep.

But I am devastated. I feel like it's over how can I get past that? It's an awful side of him I've never seen. I dont know what to think and any advice would be welcome.

Background - I'm not a nag but I am arsey and let him know when im pissed off. He's is strong willed and touchy with a lot of pent up anger not normally directed at me. And we both normally think each other are fantastic- honestly. But this feels like something new and disastrous.

More background - this afternoon I persuaded him to agree to one more go at ivf. weve been ttc for ages, me more keen than him. It feels linked somehow but not sure. Any thoughts would help so much. I can't help feeling my touchyness has destroyed us.

Do not bring a child into this. I also think like ElsieMc states you know the answer as well and it is indeed not anger management.

Stop the IVF. What you do about the rest of your relationship is up to you. I wouldn't leave someone over one drunken rant, but I wouldn't stay with someone who had a drinking problem and anger issues.

Binge drinking has a seriously detrimental effect on sperm count and sperm quality and it takes around 3 months to recover. If he's too selfish to stop or seriously cut down his drinking in order to possibly/probably prevent you having to put your body and soul through IVF, he's far too selfish to bring up a child in equal partnership with you.

You say he has pent up anger. Well clearly last night it exploded out of him. The behaviour is totally unacceptable.

I think I would be trying to understand it. It's not just the booze. Booze simply loosens inhibitions, so he let you know how he was feeling. He's very very angry with you.

You say you convinced him to do another round of ivf. After which he proceeded to get pissed and then exploded.This would indicate to me he does not want to and you did not listen to his needs.

This is clearly a long term commited relationship and this has not happened before. You say you suspect it's linked to the ivf. I also suspect it is.

For me, because it's not happened before, I would sit him down and talk. Talk about what occurred. About the ivf, and yes you both need to reconsider the relationship, as you are clearly on different pages.

You cannot "convince "him to go for another round. It has to be something you both want. And if one of you doesn't want, then that does need to be accepted.

I feel like i should have kept my mouth shut for 10 minutes just to get us to that point.

But you couldn't possibly have known he would react like that, so there is no way this is your fault. And the point is that you don't know what will make him kick off in the same way in the future, and he certainly will. I was going to say that maybe the situation is salvageable if he agrees to do something about his drinking; but the problem is that he has done in the past but has then gone back to it, so that risk would always be there.

OP None of this is your fault and yes he was wrong to shout at you like that in a fit of rage. How is he today? The big issue I think is whether he is going to accept he was completely out of order and do something about it. As you know, IVF can do awful things to your mind and push close to and sometimes over the edge. Not an excuse but an explanation - was the drinking and his rage, pent up emotions and he way of dealing with the awful failure and loss that this can cause? Not the right way to deal with it but we are all human and sometimes we do horrible things to people we love because we simply don't know what on earth to do.

I am going to get flamed on here for that point of view but if he isn't prepared to admit and deal with it - counselling together? having a chat with someone qualified can help. So many couples end up having terrible rows and lose communication because of failed fertility treatment.

I hope you are dealing with your losses and emotional rollercoasters.

Good luck - you know if he is a decent person at heart who just completely lost it.

If he will not face up to himself then I would think very hard about whether you want this again and again because it will not stop on its own.

His drinking issues are his own, I'd have left the moment I realised he was a big drinker as that's a deal breaker for me.

Compounded with shouting/anger issues, it sounds like you are wrong for each other.

Only you know if you have faults yourself and you can work on those separately from his issues if you want to address them.

Why are people focusing on the ivf so much? It’s been mentioned that he has a history of problem drinking and she asked him to stop completely. He didn’t and he continues to behave badly. That is nothing to do with ivf stress.

Stop telling a woman who has just been abused to forgive her abuser.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Just trying to make sense of the outburst I think, IVF was probably the trigger, not the stress of it though, it's all tied up... He'd have to stop drinking and if he is driven to rage by even just the THOUGHT of doing that (it was discussed, he agreed to stop again) well, it shows where his investment lies.

He does have a history of drinking, obviously has a problem, but also OP stated that their best years were when he had stopped drinking altogether because they were TTC. That seems to have shifted now. He's not going to do his best, he's angry that he has to stop.

My ex used to get drunk and rant and me, shouting and swearing, throwing things on the floor.

You really can’t live with somebody like that, let alone bring a child into that relationship.

iwasjustabout because it very much sounds as if it has been a trigger and no doubt about the fact that ivf is incredibly stressful and takes an emotional toll on those involved. In my experience, fertility issues are hard for men to come to terms with and very hard for them to talk about. When ivf fails friends often rally around the woman but many men are left to just get on with it.

This can cause a build up of pent up emotion which could explain a return to previous problem behaviour - as everyone (I think) has said it is whether he is going to face up to his problems and deal with them.

No-one has recommended that op just stays with him and is abused.

Deal breaker. People aren’t different when they are drunk, just unfiltered.

If he was devastated, apologising and promising to give up the booze and still say LTB but it makes it even worse that he hasn't even got the decency to be gutted.

Oh he'll have been doing plenty of that this morning, just hope OP hasn't fallen for it.

Dealbreaker. LTB. One day he'll go beserk at the kids.

if he's my boyfriend i would leave

You want a baby with man? Really, you should be running for the hills as fast as possible, not try to conceive with this hateful man.

Although he agreed to give up again soon so we can try again.

What? Are you crazy?

I really think that both parties have to be 100% sure that they want a child. If your DH isn't as sure as you then that would be enough for me not to try. That coupled with drink and anger problems really isn't going to result in a happy ending .

Felipe is right, one day he will do this to the kids. I know from experience and the evidence is two damaged young adults. I wish I had left and I advise you to end this relationship.

Try not to minimise what he did, it's very serious. His behaviour is utterly unacceptable and it isn't a one off.

This isn't your fault and it isn't the stress of infertility it is his true nature.

Leave him and give yourself the chance of finding a kind loving partner.

Thanks everyone especially those who were there in the middle of the night. sorry been out of data all day. Some quick answers-

• normally (soberly) he is loving and supportive but there's always been pent up anger (not at me - the past)
• drinking is a massive tension though and the tension around it is worse.

-This is the first time he has done this ranting behaviour but I'm not minimising the potential - I know these things escalate. -I think the Ivf could be linked but not sure - very hard to tell how stressful it was for him first times round. I didn't find the process stressful tbh, just sad when it failed. Treated it like a job to be done - thats how i coped.

• he has apologised
• he works away and is away now for a while (it was our last evening) - I am just so dazed right now I need and will take time and space to figure it out. Thanks again.

Oh and no idea if he'll face with and deal with these problems or not - not saying apology is a cure all - I just want space alone right now to think. X

this afternoon I persuaded him to agree to one more go at ivf. weve been ttc for ages, me more keen than him.
Surely this isn't a subject you should have to persuade your partner into doing. Has it become all consuming in your relationship and he's been getting fed up? But regardless of that he should not have flown into a rage. How frightening! He also sounds as though he has a drink problem.

I don't know what you should do because you're the one that has to live in the relationship. If it were me my decision on whether to stay or leave would depend upon what he had to say about his outburst, what the relationship is like 99% of the time, what he intends doing regarding his drinking, and what he honestly feels about IVF. I would want a very honest heart to heart.

Oh, and what he's going to do to address his anger issues. He can't bottle it up, it'll come out sooner or later (as you found out!), so he needs a plan on how to tackle it.

It looks the other way round to me. IVF is the reason to stop drinking but I do not think the reason matters all that much. I think that the alcoholic rage was prompted by your asking an alcoholic to stop drinking, again.
Please make an escape plan. I think you are going to need it.