Terrifying rant from dp

[Arnie101]

Sorry as this is hard to explain. Me and DP had a lovely day today. In the evening we had a few drinks and went out for dinner- very nice. He bought more drink on the way home and kept drinking - he was slurring but in a nice mood and we went up to bed later than planned because once he starts he just wants to keep drinking. So in bed I was a bit snippy and sulky with him but really a bit disapointed our last evening has turned out all 'drinky'.

Suddenly he utterly snapped and went into a terrifying rage - he spent a solid 5 or more minutes yelling (really yelling) at me "shut the fuck up. Fuck up. Shut up. You boring bitch. Shut the fuck up". Over and over for 5 minutes or more (I was scared and started to time it). I didnt speak at all and in the end left the room. It was like he was possessed - i think its the alcohol - he is a big drinker. When I came back I said what are we going to do now? And he said nothing, we'll have a nice day tomorrow and it will be fine, and sulked off to sleep.

But I am devastated. I feel like it's over how can I get past that? It's an awful side of him I've never seen. I dont know what to think and any advice would be welcome.

Background - I'm not a nag but I am arsey and let him know when im pissed off. He's is strong willed and touchy with a lot of pent up anger not normally directed at me. And we both normally think each other are fantastic- honestly. But this feels like something new and disastrous.

More background - this afternoon I persuaded him to agree to one more go at ivf. weve been ttc for ages, me more keen than him. It feels linked somehow but not sure. Any thoughts would help so much. I can't help feeling my touchyness has destroyed us.

Please don't have a baby with this man. And please get away from him as soon as you can. And do it carefully. I speak from experience. Unfortunately

Don’t have children with a man who had a drink problem. I did. I wish I hadn’t.
Don’t stay with a man who is a nasty drunk, unless you actually want to be terrified or hurt.

If I were you I would put some distance between me and him.

Just imagine him shouting at a child like that. Your child.

Would you still be asking if it was your fault if he had hit you? What would you say if a friend told you a similar story about being verbally abused by their partner? I am willing to bet you would say there are NO excuses for it - and you don’t deserve any less understanding and empathy from yourself - if that makes sense.

Make no mistake, this was abuse, pure and simple. The next escalation could well be physical violence - please don’t give him that opportunity.

You say he is kind and caring, and can control his temper when sober, but not when drunk. If he is truly sorry for what he did, he will want to move heaven and earth to stop it happening again - he should be thinking (and saying) ‘I lose my temper dangerously when I am drunk - I can never be drunk again’.

If he says this, and means it, I would tell him to go to AA, and to commit to stop drinking immediately. He needs to go to a meeting ASAP. Maybe he can stop drinking, and maybe he can become a decent person - unless and until that happens, you must protect yourself. I see that he is going to be away from home, for work -use that time to decide what you want, and to put things in motion if you decide to leave him.

I do believe that people who are alcoholics can beat their addiction and become decent members of society - and good partners/parents. But I would not stay with someone abusive whilst they were going through the process of recovery. I did stay with dh, when he realised he had a problem with alcohol, but he was never abusive, either physically, verbally or emotionally - he just had no ‘off’ button where drink was concerned, and that did affect him.

He hasn’t touched a drop in well over 10 years - so it can be done.

"We may wish to believe that it is the alcohol causing the abuse, because then we can also believe that there is an easy solution to the abuse, and we can also believe that our abuser doesn't really mean to hurt us, that he/she has simply 'lost control' and is not really responsible for the abuse. It allows us to believe that this is a problem that we can tackle together, that with our support and understanding and patience, the abuse can stop. Effectively, it allows us to feel that we still have some control over the situation.
www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/alcohol_and_domestic_violence.html

I'm sorry your going through this. It is very very tiring and stressful to have a new baby in the house. Especially if they are not great sleepers. If you have a child with him his anger may well get a lot worse. It is just not worth the risk. You also say he gets angry but usually not at you. But this does show that he has ongoing anger issues. I have found my relationship issues have become much much harder with a baby. Small problems can become massive problems when your exhausted. His anger is not going to just go.