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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Terrifying rant from dp

80 replies

Arnie101 · 06/01/2018 01:33

Sorry as this is hard to explain. Me and DP had a lovely day today. In the evening we had a few drinks and went out for dinner- very nice. He bought more drink on the way home and kept drinking - he was slurring but in a nice mood and we went up to bed later than planned because once he starts he just wants to keep drinking. So in bed I was a bit snippy and sulky with him but really a bit disapointed our last evening has turned out all 'drinky'.

Suddenly he utterly snapped and went into a terrifying rage - he spent a solid 5 or more minutes yelling (really yelling) at me "shut the fuck up. Fuck up. Shut up. You boring bitch. Shut the fuck up". Over and over for 5 minutes or more (I was scared and started to time it). I didnt speak at all and in the end left the room. It was like he was possessed - i think its the alcohol - he is a big drinker. When I came back I said what are we going to do now? And he said nothing, we'll have a nice day tomorrow and it will be fine, and sulked off to sleep.

But I am devastated. I feel like it's over how can I get past that? It's an awful side of him I've never seen. I dont know what to think and any advice would be welcome.

Background - I'm not a nag but I am arsey and let him know when im pissed off. He's is strong willed and touchy with a lot of pent up anger not normally directed at me. And we both normally think each other are fantastic- honestly. But this feels like something new and disastrous.

More background - this afternoon I persuaded him to agree to one more go at ivf. weve been ttc for ages, me more keen than him. It feels linked somehow but not sure. Any thoughts would help so much. I can't help feeling my touchyness has destroyed us.

OP posts:
Sugarpiehoneyeye · 06/01/2018 03:28

Listen my Lovely, get yourself off to sleep, and stop minimising.
Many of us on here, are giving you the benefit of our wisdom, because we are trying to save you, from walking in our shoes.
Choose the high road, don't take the low road. Keep yourself respect, walk away, you cannot, and will not, change this man. Brushing this scenario under the carpet, will only give him free reign, to do it again.
Sorry to be harsh, but you can still achieve your dreams, without him.🌸

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/01/2018 03:32

Oh and fwiw, even when you think you have worked it out and made sure that he wont get mad, he will still get mad. Because it isnt about what you (or anyone else) had done, he had his fighting head on and he will find a reason to jusitfy it.

I and other PPs have lived through it, it only gets worse, it never gets better.

thebewilderness · 06/01/2018 03:45

When you say if only I had... you are talking about walking on eggshells to preserve a relationship with a verbally abusive man.
Don't do it! It's a trick.

user764329056 · 06/01/2018 03:47

I am sorry you are going through this, I can remember a similar incident with an ex, I was in bed and he stood in the doorway screaming abuse, I felt so cornered, trapped and vulnerable, things escalated as I had accepted that behaviour by staying in the relationship so of course he upped the ante, it’s a downward spiral unfortunately, please take action to stop this now and keep yourself safe

AdalindSchade · 06/01/2018 04:01

When a drunk abusive man wants to have a rant at you he will - if it's not one thing that sets him off it will be another.
You're perfectly within your rights to be disappointed that he got pissed at the end of a nice day together. He has a drink problem and that's horrible to live with.

EasterRobin · 06/01/2018 04:22

This sounds like a substance abuse problem to me too. That's not a normal way to argue with a partner, even if they were being a nag (not saying you were though). This isn't a situation you should be bringing a small child into imho. Particularly if you are regularly seeing signs of pent-up aggression.

GreyMorning · 06/01/2018 04:25

When my husband is drunk he tells me, constantly, he loves me. He does not verbally abuse me.

It would be a deal breaker for me. I would be scared if someone shouted at me like that and I couldn't trust them.

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/01/2018 04:26

EasterRobin

Not wanting to derail but ime it usually is just drink. More often than not it is just the booze letting out their abusive side.

RemainOptimistic · 06/01/2018 04:44

There are other reactions he could have taken that aren't shouting and ranting like that OP.

It sounds like there is a back story with the alcohol problem. You say the alcohol free years were your best years - does this mean you already knew he had an alcohol problem? Were you hoping that having a child would cure him of the drinking?

Please leave this excuse of a human being.

OrinocoDugong · 06/01/2018 04:54

An old saying "in vino veritas" = "there is truth in wine".

It is not "the drink talking" - it is that the lack of drink the rest of the time gives him the self control to hide this true side of him.

Now that the mask has slipped once it will not be very long before he doesn't bother with the mask any more.

Please do not try to conceive a baby with this man. Get yourself out of there and build a new life.

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 06/01/2018 04:57

That sort of reaction from a partner would be a dealbreaker for me too.

I’m also a firm believer that drunks do tell the truth.

FizzmasXx · 06/01/2018 06:15

I know exactly the feeling of this my p is like this drinks way too much when he does then becomes a complete different rude/abusive/arrogant person it has destroyed many things in our relationship and only gets worse. Xx

Isetan · 06/01/2018 06:17

Sorry to say this but if you did get pregnant therefore no longer needing ivf, the drinking pattern would start again but this time there would be a baby in the middle. The day you start treading on eggshells to somehow stop someone from losing control, is the day you’ve lost control.

There’s a volatility in your DP which is already changing the way you think for fear of him hurting you. Even if this happens only 10% of the time, it informs the other 90% and is no environment for you or a child.

Wallywobbles · 06/01/2018 06:21

This happened with exh when we were at the beginning of our relationship. I look back on it as the day I should have left. It was the day his mask slipped and he showed the real him.

Booie09 · 06/01/2018 06:30

Before you pack your bags and leave.....How often does he get rat arsed? What's he like when he is sober? Has he ever shouted at you like this before? Is he finding IVF hard? If it is constant getting pissed and shouting at you by all means leave but don't leave after one pissed up night.

Shoxfordian · 06/01/2018 07:20

Hope you got some sleep

He'll continue to be nasty and aggressive to you if you stay with him and this is not a good relationship to bring a child into

Original poster
Arnie101 · 06/01/2018 07:24

Hi i just want to say thanks everyone. I'll come back and read/reply later - I take your comments seriously. I just need to get through the business of this morning.x

OP posts:
OakIsBetterTho · 06/01/2018 07:26

He's an abusive alcoholic OP, and there's no way I'd be trying to bring a baby into that. I've been both the abused partner, verbal which turned physical over time as it normally does) and the child of a verbally and physically abusive man and it's not a life I'd want for anyone. I'm so sorry you've found yourself in this situation, I understand the crushing disappointment when you have to admit to yourself that the man you're in love with isn't actually the man you live with, he's the polished and highly edited version Sad

Fairylea · 06/01/2018 07:27

Good god don’t have a child with him. He has such a short temper he’d never cope with a baby waking him up every couple of hours screaming during the night or a cheeky toddler having a tantrum. I actually feel scared for any potential child of his reading your post! He sounds awful.

Bumsnetnetbums · 06/01/2018 07:30

He can never touch alcohol again. He could kill you

EasterRobin · 06/01/2018 07:41

Pyongyangkipperbang sorry if I wasn't clear. I meant he sounds like he has an alcohol abuse problem (I couldn't say if he's definitely an alcoholic but there are worrying signs in the description).

lynmilne65 · 06/01/2018 08:55

Drinking certainly not irrelevant you prat

BackInTheRoom · 06/01/2018 08:57

Sounds like he's been storing up resentment and he let the flood gates open. Not good. There's something going on here OP. Do you think he wants to do IVF? Is he happy to carry on in this relationship?

dorislessingscat · 06/01/2018 08:57

None of this is your fault.

Only he can address his drinking issues.

ElsieMc · 06/01/2018 09:26

Hope you are ok op. What stands out for me is you saying you "persuaded" him to try again with ivf. It sounds like he has had enough and is not committed to another round. However, his behaviour has been a real deal breaker and has brought any issues in your relationship to a head.

His drinking sounds really worrying and the explosive rant really frightening. You sound like you are having your doubts also because you have not reacted dramatically to something that could potentially end your relationship.

You will now be worried when he drinks, fearful of a repeat of last night. Don't let him minimise or ignore what happened, because he will want peace to sleep off his hangover.

I don't think you should even consider bringing a child into this. I also think you know the answer and it is not anger management.