Is this a good enough excuse not to have your son?

[DollFace13]

Hi everyone,

I am just wanting your opinions.
I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable or not . Head is mush ATM.

Me and DS'S dad have an arrangement for him to have our DS Saturday night, Sunday night and Monday night. This is getting changed to two nights a week starting next month. (As he's being difficult with days)
We haven't been talking due to a big arguement over something small last week (long story) lets just say all December has been on and off and he's tried to brush each argument under the table, without clearing the air.. anyway this particular argument resulted in him taking me and our son home and then not talking to me for a week not even to wish me or our son happy new year. Me and DS spent it alone.
Anyway we haven't spoke since , so I asked my mother to step in and ask him if he was collecting our son this weekend (as arranged) and sorting maintenance (as he hasn't paid it).
He didn't have DS last weekend (New year Eve weekend) so I thought I better check as I have important appointments to attend for health and also driving lessons.
Basically he told my mum that his car has broken down.
Which is fair enough but I don't drive and can't drive DS through to his so I basically said can he not make arrangements for someone to collect DS as he could still have him and doesn't need a car to have our son. ( I don't and I mange fine)
But apparently I'm being unreasonable and difficult. Which now I'm questioning if I am or not? Apprantley he's spoken to people and the vibe he's getting from them is without his car he can't have him.
I just wanted to see if anyone has dealt with this or knows how to deal with it.

He acts like a man child and my head is done it. I'd get more pleasure banging my head off a brick wall .

Just to make it a little clearer . We were trying to make it work but not now. Not after the last month from hell.

He is BU. Of course he could get a lift or a bus or a taxi. If he knows you have things to do, he's trying to derail your plans and being a dick instead of thinking about his son.

Does he usually collect DS from you? Are the distances such that public transport would make it unfeasible?
It sounds as though he's just being difficult but I wouldn't argue with him about it. It may be time to formalise the contact arrangement and possibly arrange someone else to do handovers so you don't slip into trying to 'make it work' again.

Hey. Thanks for your reply.
We did live together. He's now about 30-35 minutes away and yes he normally collects him. Until I drive and can take turns or whatever.
All his side of the family drive ect
I'm learning to drive but he's making things a lot harder which has resulted me having to cancel my driving lesson this weekend if he doesn't have our DS

So I'm really unsure what to do here. Because the appointment I have on Saturday I won't get another one for 3 months. I have told him this but he's basically saying he has more important things to deal with than my appointment
(Which he knows is health related)
He just keeps saying he will need to see about his car tomorrow.

No, it absolutely isn’t. That’s what public transport is for. What would he say if you offered to do either drop off or pick up?

Could your mum or a friend have your son for a few hours? I think it's important to keep the medical appointment.

And, as Winnie says, it's time to get some formal contact and maintenance plans in place. He has shown his hand, it's time to put you and your son first, now that the relationship has completely broken down.

So he is being controlling. Is there anyone else you can get to watch DS so you can go to your appointment? Or is there anyone else from your side of the family or your friends, that you can get to drop DS off at his dad's?
He is being very manipulative but if you have a contact agreement then his car problems aren't a good enough excuse for not having your DS.

I haven't offered to drop DS off at his dad's , so I'm not sure what he would say.
It would take me 2 trains to get to his house. And I don't think I would make my appointment in time of I had to do 4 train journeys. :/

My mum lives in Scotland and my dad's in Scotland. I moved here so he could be apart of our DS's life.
There's really no one that could help me out. Except him and his family.
My family here are all spread out and too have busy lives.
( He knows this too)

Can you do pick up then?

Yeah I wouldn't mind picking him up. Even if it took me all day I'd do it.

Do you get on well enough with any of his family to ask?
You must be on relatively ok terms if he’d usually Wish you happy new year and spend time with you.

I’d offer to do that then, so that you can make your appointment and have your lesson. If that’s not a good enough compromise for him, then he really is a loser and you’ll need to get tough with arrangements.

He's being unreasonable using this as an excuse, but what can you do about it? Do you have any mutual friends who could help with a lift? I feel he's not being completely unreasonable in a way though,
if he's done all the other transportation of you and DS he might be getting annoyed about it. And it's not really up to his family to assist, although it would be helpful for a one off.
How old is DS? You can do your driving lesson with a passenger (I've done this before) and would he be able to go to your appointment with you rather than cancel? Not ideal, but better than waiting 3 months. Any school friends who can help in an emergency?

Like I stated in my post. We were trying to me it work. But recent events have caused this to fail.
I get on fine with his family but it's effort on there part to come through. Not always so easy.

Hi yes I understand your reply.
As to him doing all the transportation. He picks DS on weekends. This was the arrangement as I don't drive yet and he chose to move back near his family 35 minutes away when be both moved to this area because we both wanted it ( well at the time)
As for me driving with s passenger. Although I have had many lessons , I wouldn't feel comfortable enough for DS to be in the car before i pass.
He is only 19 months.
Like you also say it's not his family's responsibility to assist but he doesn't even ask and just tells me there no one that can help him. I'm at lose ends here.

Also just to add . About the appointment. I normally take DS to my appointments if it's the times I have him but never the consultant appointments which this is.

I think you can justify taking your son to the consultant's appointment.
He's only very young and lots of people are let down by childcare at the last minute, so I reckon as long as it's an emergency (which it is) the consultant would be okay with it.
I very occasionally see mums and toddlers at my consultant's and it's usually because they have no childcare. My consultant would rather see mum and child that not see mum at all.

See this is the issue I have with this.
This is a specialist appointment and I am normally there for hours having tests done and waiting around. I took him last time and it was a complete nightmare and even the consultant said this is no place for a young child, which I agreed with. I was the only one there with a child at the time.
DS's dad knows this as well.
So I can't win. If he's not able to have him, I'm not able to go to my appointment.

Bugger. Sorry to hear that - and sorry I can't help you out myself.
Would he meet you halfway - at the station the first train goes to. Then you are each doing the exact same, one train each? I'm at loss of any other way unless you are prepared to ask his family. You are their grandchild's mum after all, it is an important appointment. It's not like you're going drinking!

Thank you.

Oh I know.

I wish I were going out drinking all the time for the amount of grief Im getting. I'm 29 and you think I would be.
I will just wait and see what he comes up with tomorrow. I'm praying his car is fixable and then I won't have to worry.

Fingers crossed 🤞

Hard question - depending on what happens in the next few weeks, would you consider going back to Scotland?
It sounds like you have given up a lot for him and his family and it's looking very much like it hasn't been worth it.
Time to put you and your son first. It's worth thinking about, especially as you have a few years before your son starts school.

Are you able to afford a childminder?

You’re going to have to either directly ask a family member of his to help out on this one occasion (it’ll be 1 hour 15mins of their lives, hardly a big deal) or you’ll have to take him to the appointment. An appointment with a consultant with a few hours of tests sounds important enough to not be missed. Take a lot of toys and snacks and try and do something that’ll tire him out beforehand so that he’ll nap through it.

Oh and it’s likely that if you rearranged the appointment for 3 months time and are still on bad terms, he’ll suddenly not be able to have your son that day too. I doubt very much his car has broken down, he’s just trying to disrupt your life. A decent father (even one that hated you) would still want their contact time with their child. He’d get a lift or get a train, he wouldn’t just not see his kid for two weeks in a row. This is about punishing you so you’ll be in the same position next time, which is why I say just go to the appointment.

Hiya . Yes I very much would consider going back to Scotland and that is something that's never off the table ( I'm not originally from Scotland, I'm from London) but I moved to Scotland in my teens with my mum. I was always moving to Manchester but more for better work and when I had no responsibility.
DS's dad had been a friend for a long time , so when we got together, and I got pregnant. I thought that was the time to move . mainly because he kept asking and saying I'm keeping him from the baby (even though he wasn't born)