Is this a good enough excuse not to have your son?

[DollFace13]

Hi everyone,

I am just wanting your opinions.
I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable or not . Head is mush ATM.

Me and DS'S dad have an arrangement for him to have our DS Saturday night, Sunday night and Monday night. This is getting changed to two nights a week starting next month. (As he's being difficult with days)
We haven't been talking due to a big arguement over something small last week (long story) lets just say all December has been on and off and he's tried to brush each argument under the table, without clearing the air.. anyway this particular argument resulted in him taking me and our son home and then not talking to me for a week not even to wish me or our son happy new year. Me and DS spent it alone.
Anyway we haven't spoke since , so I asked my mother to step in and ask him if he was collecting our son this weekend (as arranged) and sorting maintenance (as he hasn't paid it).
He didn't have DS last weekend (New year Eve weekend) so I thought I better check as I have important appointments to attend for health and also driving lessons.
Basically he told my mum that his car has broken down.
Which is fair enough but I don't drive and can't drive DS through to his so I basically said can he not make arrangements for someone to collect DS as he could still have him and doesn't need a car to have our son. ( I don't and I mange fine)
But apparently I'm being unreasonable and difficult. Which now I'm questioning if I am or not? Apprantley he's spoken to people and the vibe he's getting from them is without his car he can't have him.
I just wanted to see if anyone has dealt with this or knows how to deal with it.

He acts like a man child and my head is done it. I'd get more pleasure banging my head off a brick wall .

Just to make it a little clearer . We were trying to make it work but not now. Not after the last month from hell.

Yes I know exactly what you mean. I'm gonna find out what he says this afternoon and if it's still the same BS then I will just take him with me to the appointment.

May the force be with you

No I'm currently not working due to health .
The money I do get wouldn't cover a child minder :/

I think Angelfish has nailed it. It is totally about control. Take your son to the appointment can one of your family/friends meet you there for support? You need this appointment so you have to go with or without his or anyone else’s help.

You are not being difficult or unreasonable - he is. I wouldn’t contact him for any reason at all he should be contacting you if he wants to see his son.

You have to put yourself and your son first. Every decision shouldn’t be about your ex. You are trying to do too much for your ex. I wouldn’t take turns of dropping your son off when you have passed your test the onus is on him to make the necessary arrangements.

Move to Scotland if that is what is right for you and if you can afford to do it.

Contact the child maintenance people and get a formal arrangement in place otherwise he will continue to forget/not be able to afford to pay and you and your child will suffer.

Claim all benefits you are entitled to.

He has got you running around in circles he will never change he will continue to use you until you stand up and say no.

Keep a diary of everything that happens and every time he lets you down.

Please call the child maintenance people today.

Wishing you well and I hope your hospital appointment goes well.

Just had another thought..... does the hospital have volunteers? If yes Maybe you could contact them to ask if they can help whilst you attend your appointment.

Hi thank you so much for your reply

Funnily enough I've just got off the phone to child maintenance and I've made formal arrangements now. He thought I was bluffing yesterday and I really wasn't I've had enough of his BS.
So now that is done it and I feel more in control of the situation.

As for Scotland I would never say never. I did want to move from there for many reasons but it was mainly for work and when I didn't have many responsibilities.

Getting into a relationship with him and becoming pregnant just made to process a lot quicker.
I actually like living here , I just want a better routine and be able to sort that out . Example - driving /self employed and little one at nursery. Also my health.
He's just making it difficult for me to actually stick to my plans. I know what he's doing and yes it is control. One thing I've always said and that is no one will try to control me.
So I am in the process of taking with the hospital to see what can be done. The only thing he has messed up is my driving lesson and my massage after the hospital ( to de-stress) but I'm sure I can get back on track with driving and the massage can wait.

Oh god I’ve got one of those. You have my sympathies and, of course he is BU.

A thought struck me. If you lie to him and tell him you have cancelled all plans, would he then suddenly have a working car and collect his son as arranged?

Well done x

Well just ab update.

He's given me hell this afternoon.

Basically he messaged me to say.
They have ordered the wrong part for his car and that it's going to be Tuesday now.
He did however offer to get the train through and come mind him while I had my appointment. ( not the worst idea)
So I messaged back and just asked/ gave idea. Basically saying if he can come through like he said. But take him back with him until Monday ( as arranged) and I will pick DS up Monday after my driving lesson so we have both out effort it.
He replied that he can't get him back from the train station to his house without taxis/busses ect.
As he's finding money tight with just paying rent, maintenance and now this car.
I just said you can get the train and he just went off on one about . He's came up with a plan and it's still not good enough and that there's no compromise ( which I just gave about picking DS up)
I basically said I haven't declined his offer and yes he can watch him while I go to my appointment.
I mentioned that I have processed on with CSA and that he should expect correspondence and make sure his works all up to date as they go through HMRC ( wish I hadn't mentioned it now BAD MOVE)
He kicked off and said i have f*ked it all up now and maintenance money will have to wait if he gets HMRC charges.
l think he's panicking as it's not all 💯% above bored. ( Cash paid into bank) ect I don't know but he said I screwed us both.
I then went on to say I haven't and he left me with no choice and that I have said time and time again that I would get them involved. He's even told me to go ahead from time to time. So he must think I was bluffing. 🙄
He's gone on to say that the money I owe him £1000 which is tied up in this house (deposit/1st rent) I now need to start paying that back or take it bit by bit out of maintenance.
I declined this and said . If I get no maintenance from you for months until this sorted it will be getting deducted from that grand.
Anyway he's called me everything under the sun and told me to never speak to him again. Ever! And contact will be through others (Which he's never really said EVER! before so this has definitely hit a nerve.)

To which I said the feeling is mutual I would quite happily never see you or hear from you again but we have to think about our son.
And he's blocked me off everything.

So I can't win. Oh and before of never ever talking to him again. He had said leave me alone . so I asked if he was still coming to look after DS and he said No! He's not doing anything now as he needs to sort all this out with the accountant.
So all this was for nothing eye rolls

I would probably take him at his word and head North. You've tried and better tried and he is the problem. Get out of the firing line and enjoy your son.

Wow!

Nothing is going to be good enough for him - you will NEVER be able to do enough for him. So please stop trying.

He won’t be able to take money out of your child support and if he does you can get his money taken out of his wages (although they take a % of the money from you and a % from him in order to do so.

He’s annoyed because he’s losing control. He thinks he is doing you a huge favour by looking after his own child! It’s going to be difficult but wait until he instigates wanting to see him. Don’t offer and deffo don’t tell him when you need someone to look after your son as he will make life as difficult for you as he can and everything will be on his terms.

I have a very similar soon to be ex husband but I am a year on from where you are at the moment. You know you can’t rely on him and unfortunately you are seeing his true colours.

Do you have copies of his bank account/wage slips or proof of earnings? Some exes have a tendency to hide cash and lie about earnings if they can especially if they are self employed.

Does he have ds every fri/sat/sun night? I can see that you're about to cut it to two nights, but if it's been 3nts up to now then I'm not sure he will owe much in maintenance.

Hey @RainyApril thanks for your reply.
The arrangement is 2-3 nights @ £187 a Month.
So Yes he has our DS every Saturday, Sunday and Monday night ( he wanted that)

If he has work on a Monday in Manchester ( near me) he will bring DS back the Mon. So that means he's had DS 2nights. If he doesn't have work the Monday near me he will bring DS back the Tuesday morning making that 3nights. A little confusing but he works from home but on occasion needs to drive ect.

We only stated this in September and he's only paid maintenance since then as he moved out of this house in June and moved in with his friend while he looked for a new place.
So he didn't have his son over night at all for about 3 months as it wasn't practical.
He did his first maintenance in August and found a house end of august and moved in beginning of September.
Since September he's done 2-3 nights a week but he's let me down on quite a few occasions and not had him at all and also threatened other times but then had him.
We had been trying to sort out relationship out and there were times I stayed over his and vice versa but now that's completely stopped as of last month.
As I wasn't getting a break or me time or able to plans/things done.
I was practically doing everything anyway so I may as well of had DS alone.
As of this month. (Well was meant to be this weekend) it's getting down to 2 nights a week. Still at @ £187 as it still comes under 2-3 nights.

I hope that has kind of cleared that up. It's very confusing. It's taken a while to get my head around it.

@alibobbob.
Thanks again for your reply much appreciated.
Oh I know he's tried (tried being the word) everything in his power to get a raise out of me and to control me.
I won't be contacting at all now. It's up to him if he wants his son.
I will be logging it all anyway.
I just know that it disrupts a lot of my appointments/plans which is a pain and it will be hard. (Which he knows) so we shall see when he actually contacts.

As for payments I have d slips from last year that I could show.
I know how much he gets and even he used that for the maintenance he calculated and that was from what he gets per week.
So if HMRC see different. I will be making them aware. It's not my fault if there's things going on between him and his boss.
He is actually classed as self employed I think. Even though he has a boss and works for her from home.

It's all so complicated I even mentioned to this to CSA today.

Is he paying reduced CM because he is 'officially' supposed to have DS 3 nights a week?

Let CM know he is refusing to have DS at all so you can get full CM.

So sorry you have to deal with manchild, especially when you're not well.

You're making the right decision not to be with him.

Well done for getting rid of him. He was a millstone around your neck. You are going to be doing everything yourself from now on though so you might want to think about whether it’s financially better for you to move back closer to your family.

Thanks for your reply.
@Angelf1sh

I was doing it alone anyway. When he lived here did somewhat of his bit and don't get me wrong was/is a good father and when he has DS he's great.

It's me he's trying to spite.
I know I will be ok. All I want from him is for him to see his son. If he can't do that , then I will consider moving away.

He's been paying CM since august. We both agreed to keep CSA out , although he has bluffed and told me time and time again to go do it when we have argued.
He always paid for 2-3 days but he's trying to say he's lowering it to 3days which is a £40.reduction . But he's let me down far to many time for it to work out like he's been doing 3nights a week. So he will do 3 nights for so long and then of something doesn't go his way he will change when it suits him. (Not all the time) but he has done it. December being the worst month as he's hardly seen his son and when he has I've been there too (Xmas/boxing day ect)

Much better to go via CSA.

What's with him wanting to mind DS at your house? Is it about control again?

And spending Xmas/Boxing Day at yours? I think I would stop all that and he picks up DC at the front door and doesn't get to come in. You need boundaries.

My exh was like this, constantly playing the ‘great dad’ card, but in teality it was only ever if it was convenient for him and I can’t tell you the amount of times he let me down. But of course, it was never his fault, always work or something similar.

I found the easiest way was to assume he’d not help out and wouldn’t be available and arrange things accordingly. One of my dc has behavioural difficulties so I really needed a break. I found a very reliable and flexible childminder who has helped out massively, and because I can claim most of it back via benefits (I still work), it means I get my me time without tying myself up in knots about wether exh will actually come through. It also means I’m no longer reliant on him which is a massive relief.

You've done the right thing with CMS. You need to just just stop talking to him and you had no reason to mention CMS to him. You are way over-involved with each other. You need a written agreement for contact and I think every weekend is never suitable. When your child is at school you will never see him. I would aim for less contact which is hopefully more reliable, but your ex sounds pretty useless.

Hey thanks for your advice and replies

Yes we were to involved as like I stated earlier we were trying to make it work. This is why Xmas/boxing day was the way it was.
But he is too unreasonable now and I can't think of a much worse situation than staying or trying to be with him
I just want out now so this is why I did CSA .
I kept saying this in arguments and I just think he never thought I was serious and I was.

It's done.
So he can deal with it. I have no intention to speak with him. He's let me down far to much.
Not spending nyes with us (as planned to start fresh) and now the way he has spoken (in text) the past few days and again not having DS this weekend. Is the nail on the coffin.
For all I care he could go to hell. It's unfortunate that I have a beautiful little boy with the guy.

Hey just wanted to ask. How do I go about getting a written agreement?
As for every weekend , it's like that at the moment but we both no it's going to change when he goes nursery and I go back to work.
We are doing it this way ATM so he can see him as much as possible and I can get driving and self employed .

He's blocked me off everything now anyway so even if i wanted to (which I don't ) I can't contact anyway.
I guess it's gonna have to be through other people until he pulls his head out of his

Dollface13

I think you may need a solicitor.

Not sure though, so just jumping this for you [brew[