Is this a good enough excuse not to have your son?

[DollFace13]

Hi everyone,

I am just wanting your opinions.
I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable or not . Head is mush ATM.

Me and DS'S dad have an arrangement for him to have our DS Saturday night, Sunday night and Monday night. This is getting changed to two nights a week starting next month. (As he's being difficult with days)
We haven't been talking due to a big arguement over something small last week (long story) lets just say all December has been on and off and he's tried to brush each argument under the table, without clearing the air.. anyway this particular argument resulted in him taking me and our son home and then not talking to me for a week not even to wish me or our son happy new year. Me and DS spent it alone.
Anyway we haven't spoke since , so I asked my mother to step in and ask him if he was collecting our son this weekend (as arranged) and sorting maintenance (as he hasn't paid it).
He didn't have DS last weekend (New year Eve weekend) so I thought I better check as I have important appointments to attend for health and also driving lessons.
Basically he told my mum that his car has broken down.
Which is fair enough but I don't drive and can't drive DS through to his so I basically said can he not make arrangements for someone to collect DS as he could still have him and doesn't need a car to have our son. ( I don't and I mange fine)
But apparently I'm being unreasonable and difficult. Which now I'm questioning if I am or not? Apprantley he's spoken to people and the vibe he's getting from them is without his car he can't have him.
I just wanted to see if anyone has dealt with this or knows how to deal with it.

He acts like a man child and my head is done it. I'd get more pleasure banging my head off a brick wall .

Just to make it a little clearer . We were trying to make it work but not now. Not after the last month from hell.

I’m in St Helens Lear Liverpool - shout if you need me.

If he gets wind that you are speaking to people about personal matters it’s going to wind him up (lol) he will continue to cancel seeing his son because he is a CF. Make sure someone tells him you have cancelled your appointment - he will probably then get intouch to see his son and you can go to your appointment. Reverse psychology might work.

How about this for your new email address....

[email protected]

lol I doubt he will know what the CF will stand for. My son asked the other day why I still had the pet name in my phone as my ex’s name... it’s easier as I am quite forgetful and would probably send him a message by mistake. He did suggest listing him as bar humbug lol.... I’m off to change it to petnameCF that’ll make me laugh each time I get a text (until I read it) lol.

*near Liverpool lol

Wow @yettilegs11 you live near him hahahahahaha
He's in St Helens.
Go give him a kick up the arse for me 😂😂😂😂

@yulefool

It's never off the table but I'm trying to make my life here as this is where I wanted to move to. I'm not Scottish I'm actually from London.
He's just making it difficult. But I will one way or the other. Make my mark and get through this.
Thanks for your reply

If I see him I will - you just point the bugger out lol

Yanbu.
But, ask for help from others. If i knew you I would have him while you go to hospital xx most people would help single mums. I am one. But you have to ask x

Good luck doll - don’t rely on him for your appts though, he’s a nasty f**ker and you’ve got years of misery if he’s your support network.

fwiw I’ve got 2 friends that moved back near family when they had kids and relationships broke down and it was massively better for them and their dc because they had family help. I know both people felt like a failure for moving back to their parents and in one case in with them for a bit but it all came good in the end.

Otherwise I agree, you need to spend the next year building a rock solid group of friends you can rely on.

Good luck doll - don’t rely on him for your appts though, he’s a nasty f**ker and you’ve got years of misery if he’s your support network.

fwiw I’ve got 2 friends that moved back near family when they had kids and relationships broke down and it was massively better for them and their dc because they had family help. I know both people felt like a failure for moving back to their parents and in one case in with them for a bit but it all came good in the end.

Otherwise I agree, you need to spend the next year building a rock solid group of friends you can rely on.

I don't think contacting his boss was the right thing to do. But as it's done, no point in thinking about it.

If you haven't already, set up a new email account for DC admin only. Get the eaddress to him somehow and request all contact/admin be through that account. Ask for his preferred contact email for this purpose.

And nothing more - no more voicemails etc.

You need to have your DS available for collection at start of every contact time, and you need to be in/be prompt for returns. If he's more than eg 30 minutes late, it would be reasonable for you to remake your plans, even if that means contact is frustrated.

Don't tell him when you have important appointments in future.

Talk to your driving instructor about when you are safe enough to have DS in the car during lessons.

Find a babysitter by hook or by crook. Do you know anyone at all with older teen DC?

Hey all

@bumsnetnetbums I do ask for help when needed. The only difference is the people I do , I know what the answer is. So I tend not to bother now. Even my health Matters you can't put a price on health and nothing is more important but they don't seem to budge even for that so I give ip on certain people. I'm looking into child care anyway. When I did this post k didn't have a clue of everything I'm entitled to or what was out there. I'm glad I posted as you have all helped me so much more so I app every single reply.

@yulefool yes Scotland is never off the table there is always a possibility I will go back . But I definitely want to make my life here me and DS. He was born here and I think once im back studying and working ill make my own network. You only need 1 or 2 good friends . So we will see. I always have my friends in Scotland and London saying if they were here they would. I wish they were all here. That's the onl thing I miss
.
@auntiestella
Thanks for your reply I don't think we have spoken.
I will look into speaking with my DI about taken my son on lessons as that would be great but I'm not sure of they allow that. I will check.
As for email I have set one up and from now I will mention this to him

Here is an update from last night on everything..

He text my mum saying stuff .. along the lines of he wants his son and misses him it's not about not wanting him and also said tell not to contact my employer ect which is fair enough but she's more than a friend than a boss and she's contacted me or my mum in the passed regards him . So I thought of she can contact us regarding unprofessional things then so can I. So I did and I'm glad I did. Right or wrong.

When my mum told me all this, I had enough.
So I called and he didn't answer and I left my very last last voicemail and my last contact. I basically said everything I needed to and that I'm not arguing anymore and that he knows where his son is, so he needs to contact me like an adult in future. If he wants his son as I'm not contacting anymore and I'm not going through others because that is just ridiculous.
Then about 15, mins later he actually phoned me.
We were on the phone for a good 2 hours and We've cleared a lot regarding DS and arrangements.
Don't worry I'm not thinking get back together but I am thinking I need him to have his son this weekend.
I'm not sure whether to continue with CSA because I think well actually I know he will get in massive shit with law/tax ect from what he's told me.
So that's what he has the accountant this weekend as they need to backtrack 4-6 years and if they can't sort it they are all screwed.
I don't want ___ or his boss getting in that much trouble.. it's too much hassle than its worth. I know it's not my problem and they all got themselves in this mess. I just don't want them all to have massive fines or jail and for it to be that's caused them getting caught.
As JJ loses out at the end of the day. ESP if law get involved.
I have a lot to think about to regarding CSA. So it's not gonna be yes ill cancel straight away.

I said well you never told me all this and if you had stuck to arrangements and you had told me all this we wouldn't be doing all this with CSA and you need to communicate with me.
I said if you stick to two days a week and budge an hour or two on Monday morning with work and bring him back Monday afternoon it will work as 2-3 days at the amount that we have been doing . I said but you can't pick and choose when to have him and let me down.
I explained how the days/nights work with Maintenance so he now understands how it all works. He said well it's up to me what I do.

Honestly not sure what to do. I just want him to have his son, pay and leave me alone to get on with everything.

A lot to think about today

Can you not see the charm offensive from your ex was a deliberate strategy to get you to drop the CSA?

This sounds a lot more positive but it still seems to be on his terms.

Think carefully. See what the minimum the CSA suggests add £25 then tell him that is what you want to be paid each week without fail or you will pursue him through the CSA - if this is what you want to do. He will have to keep you sweet for this arrangement to work as he obviously doesn’t want the CSA involved.

Set up a separate account to get the maintenance payments paid into as it will be easier to keep track of how much he has paid and when.

Fingers crossed he will look after his own son this weekend so you can go to your appointment.

Hi

I've had a very long think this morning and spoke to a good friend of mine in Scotland ( also had a shitty ex and had a situation with CSA)

I think it's best not to continue with CSA.
Although that does sound in his favour to some extent. It's actually more for my son's sake as I don't want anything happening to his dad or making out that I'm to blame for shit hitting the fan.
I know it sounds like it's on his terms but it's not. I will be standing my ground, I will be setting the times of pick up and drop off , he will be told if he has any trouble where he can't have DS for whatever reason. To ask me and I'll see if I can have him if no plans and if I can't sort it with me, then he will need to arrange someone from his side and work something out.
We had agreed 2 nights a week starting on 2018 so this is what it will been
He will be made fully aware that if he does not stick to these arrangements (unless we state otherwise)I will 💯% proceed with CSA at whatever the outcome.
Hopefully this will give him and his boss a kick up the arse to sort out payment/accountant in the near future so everything is above bored.

@yulefool oh he definitely didn't use any sort of charm.
He basically told me how much shit he's in and the process of trying to sort it out. That's not gonna be sorted within 1 week and if it's not it's definitely not looking good for them all. Whether that is bankruptcy, prison or fine.
I don't want that. If it was just me and him then fine but my son needs to see his dad.
I don't want anything to go with him , so I'm definitely not being a soft touch.

@alibobbob
We will still be on the cataogry of maintenance B which is 2-3 nights so they payments will be the same as before and of he wants him additional night throughout the year we have 51 nights extra. Which now he understands it.
I have a separate account for maintenance I sent this up back in august. I have recently done the email thing. So everything is in place.
He just needs to stick to the arrangements.
So we will see what he says

I think you have made the right decision regarding the CSA if my ex lost his job or couldn’t work for whatever reason we would be up shit creek so I know exactly where you are coming from.

Your ex sounds a lot better than mine - he can’t/won’t have a conversation with me. Everything has to be on his terms and he tries to communicate through the kids which is hard for them and totally unacceptable.

As long as you’re sure - he’s made quite the massive mess of his life, hasn’t he? Another good reason to move on.

Thanks again for all your advice.

@yettilegs11 he's not always this way.. he has a very bad head and a very good head. No in-between . He's given me hell the 3 years we have been together. We were friends 7 years before that. I had no idea he was like this. It's true you don't really know someone until you live with them.

@yulefool oh yes he has.

As for the CSA
I feel like it's the right thing. But if he starts all his BS again I will make sure I proceed with CSA and I won't change my mind and whatever happens , happenes. I'll I'll go about my life just thinking he doesn't want to see DS until he contacts to have him. I will still look into childcare to incase he ever tries to let me down. But I have said he needs to give me plenty notice if he can't have DS and if I can't change my plans he needs to find away around it as that will be his weekend. But I will do everything I can to help but he needs to do the same.
Hopefully this gives him a kick up the and shook him up abit and not mess me around.

He's having DS tomorrow anyway and I can go to my appointment finally and have my driving lesson.
So time will tell.

Hey all

Update on this situation.
DS dad has been ok. He had DS at the weekend and I got all my appointments and driving lesson done. But now he's unblocked me from Facebook and WhatsApp . He sends me random messages. Nothing relevant to us. Just random crap. I've responded a few times as I don't want to be rude so I've kept the chit chat light. He doesn't message as much as he used to when we have split up before and tried to work it out. But it's just odd. He sent me a link for the new tomb raider movie. ( As I love tomb raider)
He said here you go miss croft . ( As I've had quite a lot of people say I resemble her and Angelina Jolie) but I just find it odd that it's nothing relevant about anything.
I don't want him jugs keeping the communication open while he moves on or if he's talking to other woman yet keeping me there. Etc
He's not directly said he wants me back or anything like that.
Im thinking maybe just come out with leave me alone... or just don't reply.
I just don't want to rock the boat again after we have just got on civil ground again.

Maybe just light hearted say you would rather he only message if jts in direct relation to your son and ignore anything non related from then on.