Is this a good enough excuse not to have your son?

[DollFace13]

Hi everyone,

I am just wanting your opinions.
I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable or not . Head is mush ATM.

Me and DS'S dad have an arrangement for him to have our DS Saturday night, Sunday night and Monday night. This is getting changed to two nights a week starting next month. (As he's being difficult with days)
We haven't been talking due to a big arguement over something small last week (long story) lets just say all December has been on and off and he's tried to brush each argument under the table, without clearing the air.. anyway this particular argument resulted in him taking me and our son home and then not talking to me for a week not even to wish me or our son happy new year. Me and DS spent it alone.
Anyway we haven't spoke since , so I asked my mother to step in and ask him if he was collecting our son this weekend (as arranged) and sorting maintenance (as he hasn't paid it).
He didn't have DS last weekend (New year Eve weekend) so I thought I better check as I have important appointments to attend for health and also driving lessons.
Basically he told my mum that his car has broken down.
Which is fair enough but I don't drive and can't drive DS through to his so I basically said can he not make arrangements for someone to collect DS as he could still have him and doesn't need a car to have our son. ( I don't and I mange fine)
But apparently I'm being unreasonable and difficult. Which now I'm questioning if I am or not? Apprantley he's spoken to people and the vibe he's getting from them is without his car he can't have him.
I just wanted to see if anyone has dealt with this or knows how to deal with it.

He acts like a man child and my head is done it. I'd get more pleasure banging my head off a brick wall .

Just to make it a little clearer . We were trying to make it work but not now. Not after the last month from hell.

Got to the CAB and get some legal advice. Tell them everything I think you will be entitled to legal aid.

I had a Child Arrangement Order drawn up via Solicitor stating arrangements re. visiting, CM etc. You can state exact days / frequency for staying over. You will both need to sign it and it is legally binding.

And as for your ex getting in a huff over CM payments. It's probably because he knows damn well he isn't paying enough and hasn't been honest with what he is earning. My sons father was like this when I said I was going to do payments through CM rather than an amicable agreement between ourselves (he wouldn't divulge what he was earning). Turned out he was under paying £200 per month.

Have a look at the 'entitled to' calculator which will tell you how much CM, tax credits, rent help and child tax credits you are entitled to. You will probably find you are entitled to help with child care as well.

Hey thanks for your reply.

I will look into the legal agreement.
He's blocked me on everything anyway even text apprantley and his car I believe is fixed tomorrow.
I know how much he earns from previous bank statements and he's been upfront about it. I'm just not 💯% sure if he's above bored with HMRC.
He has a boss ect but he works from home/driving around ect. I'm sure she just pays a lump some into his bank account each week. Which is £500

So if they are doing it though HMRC I don't think they know it's that much. ( Not 100% on this so please don't quote me)
So if that is true I'm gonna be getting even less than he is doing now £186 for 2-3 nights

It's all confusing and I just don't want DS missing out on what he's entitled too. Every penny goes on him.
I want the very best for him and not to go without. At the end of the day it's my son's money.
It just frustrates me as he should just stick to what he's arranged. But most of the let downs are to spite me and DS suffers as well. It's not fair.

It is why I had an Arrangement Order drawn up for my son. His Dad lives in the twighlight zone most of the time, imagines conversations, things I've evidently agreed to, so when we split there was no way I was verbally agreeing anything with him. If it's in black and white and he's signed it then there is no question of what is or isn't agreed.

You will need to keep a diary of how many nights your son stays over at his Dads through the financial year. If your son isn't going regular and you have dates of how many nights he spends with his Dad then this can effect your CM to your favour especially if it falls well short of the agreed 2 nights per week that you have told CM about.

Hey thanks for your reply too.
I appreciate all the advice and I've definitely taken it on bored and it's only made me stronger knowing that I can actually talk to people outside of my circle . As sometimes you find that they agree just for the sake of it or they sit on the fence.
I prefer to be told straight if I've done wrong or right.
So you guys have been a great help and I know now know there's help out there.
My ex (actually feels good saying that now) too lives in twighlight zone or Hollywood land (move buff)
He care more about Bloody Star wars than anything else.
All he got excited about was films.
This is all very new to me . Being a single mum, having an ex who is my babies dad and also arrangements such as visits, staying over and CM . So thanks everyone for all your help.
August/sept was when the agreement's and CM started. but we were still trying ( trying being the word) to make a go of it. This ended for me 💯 around Xmas/new year.
But yes I have kept a diary and the nights he has let me down. Because that hasn't been a full year I can't really tell with the payment side. He has done a lot of 3 nights per week. So it could balance out or could fall short because he's let me down quite a few weekends too.

Im just frustrated ATM as I'm left in limbo to when he's having his son again now. So I'm out on hold and o can't contact him..so it's gonna have to be through someone else and I hate dragging people into s**t

I can't get past the fact you got your Mum involved. It sounds like something a teenager does.

I think you need to focus on your son. Ignore him. If he wants access he'll sharp get in touch.

It’s probably best that you live you life as though you are never going to see him again. Do what you need to do - go and see a solicitor and get some advice. Don’t ask anyone to act as an intermediary let him contact you even if it’s via someone he has asked to speak to you. Don’t get bullied into doing anything you are not comfortable with.

For an example our kids get to see their dad Friday school pick up to Sunday evening drop off every second week.

Drop off is in a public place so if he gets arsey there are witnesses and hopefully he can keep himself in check.

When was the last time he saw your little boy?

@BlackTeaDrinker77

Thanks for your reply but excuse me but this was one time because he has blocked me off everything like a man child.
I needed to know if he was having our son as I had a very important hospital appointment . He replied to my mother straight away but refused to speak with me. So what else can I do? I have now taken steps to get all this formalised. But at that point couldn't reason with him. So my mum stepped in to ask.

As for focusing on my son. I'm the only one who does. So please don't make it out like I don't. I was only asking for advice on the situation with DS' dad and if I was being unreasonable like he stated.

Hi thanks for your reply

I understand that. And I am living life as of I'll never see him again. Its just really hard to get anything done if he doesn't see/have his son on certain days. As I don't have family here. I've only been here two years (part pregnancy/18months age of DS)
I'm trying to get back to work and I'm trying to pass my test to drive to go self employed. He's just making everything difficult

Last time he saw him was Christmas/boxing day

Are you perhaps taking on too much? Do you have to go back to work now? Have you googled to see what benefits you are entitled to? It might surprise you - every penny helps. Have a look at entitledto.com (google that to check as I am not sure of the web address).

Have you joined a parent/toddler group? It might be a way to make friends and possibly find someone who you (and they) can rely on when either of you need a helping hand/babysitter.

Try sitting down and writing a list of what you want in an ideal world and if anything is achievable now. Then short term and long term goals.

When you have a hospital appointment can you go without a driving lesson that week and pay a childminder instead? Can you afford a car/mot/Road tax/insurance etc?

Focus on you and your son your ex should be way down on the list. Agree to visits but at a day/time to suit you and as someone else has said he drops off/picks up from your doorstep or at a place convenient for you.

@Barnyforever

Thanks for your reply

But I can't see how I'm being difficult. If you read earlier posts of mine you will see that
I offered to collect our son if he picked him up . On the train while he hasn't got his car at the moment. But this wasn't good enough for him and he made more excuses about money.
Anyway he didn't show up to watch him like he said he could/would do.

@yettilegs11

I am currently entitled to the benefits I'm on. I don't have to work until DS is three.
Obviously DS is my main focus but after that
It's driving that is the main goal. To get around with DS, to start my business and i also have family members that live 30-40 mins away. So if I ever become stuck they would always step in. (ATM they can't get to me as it's a bit far and some don't drive and they work and have kids themselves. Long story with the effort from them though)

I do go to a stay and play group once a week and I also have a lovely health visitor . So I'm going to speak with her.
In May DS is 2 so I get 15 hours free at nursery. So that will be a massive Help.

I will look into a child minder even if it's for a couple of hours to get hospital appointments and driving lesson in.
Thanks for your advice

Your welcome

Has the benefit check been done since splitting from your ex? If not it might be worth a re-check.

Are you fully trained in whatever it is you want to start a business in? If not maybe look at the local colleges ours offered childcare whilst attending the course and for some study time but that was a long time ago but might be worth a look.

Good luck x

@yettilegs11

Thanks so much for your help. I have my work coach on Wednesday ( I take DS with me anyway so that's not an issue) so I can speak with her then, I've also asked to meet with my health visitor and see if she can recommend any child minders. I have googled my area and theres a site you can do a profile on and check out minders in the area. So I've just signed up to that.

I am fully qualified in makeup and special effects. But I did want to do a refresh course and also some extra little ones on top to add to everything. So I will look into the childcare while studying.
Thanks again. :)

Don't forget most nurseries / play groups offer the 15 hours free, and most now offer the 30hrs a week free as this changed in September last year.

Not all childminders offer the free funding.

@granville72

Hey yes I'm aware I get 15 hours free but this wont happen until DS is two. He turns 2 in May.
So this will help a lot . I will look into the 30 hours

Thanks for your reply

Hiya just an update

I am fuming.

So I'm still blocked of EVERYTHING by DS's dad including phone number.
So I've had to resort to getting my mum to contact him to try and * find out if he is having his son this week and if his car is fixed.

My mum did contact only to find out.
He never answered her call but replied to her voicemail with a text.
Saying that he's 100% can't have him. He got his car back yesterday and received CSA documents today. That he is in sh*t now I've done this and that he has work to catch up on this weekend (driving) because he wasn't able to drive throughout the week because of his car breaking down. And that he need to sort this mess out with his boss and accountant. So he definitely can't have him.
He told my mum that he pays me to have our son on Mondays because he does 2-3 nights ( so not always bringing DS back on a Tuesday) so I shouldn't be putting my driving lessons into Mondays. (Which is the only time I can, I do Monday morning )
He's also said that he looked after DS when I was ill ( extra days) and didn't batter an eyelid.
Which is ridiculous because 2-3 nights a week totals 104-155 nights annually. So 104 nights minimum and 155 max throughout the year. so any extra days are covered. He also hasn't been having DS consistently and has let me down many times. So some weekends he hasn't had DS at all.
This doesn't seem to be registering in his head though 🙄

I got the the urge to just try his number and it did ring, he just didn't answer so I left a message stating everything. Saying I'm only contacting for DS and if he had stuck the arrangements ( consistently) then he wouldn't be in this mess and that his work is not my fault and he only has himself to blame.
I also mentioned that he does not pay me to have our son and that maintenance is our son's money. Also that he has let me down far to many time and arrangements haven't stuck to 2-3 nights.
Ive also said that I've now put down for him to have DS 2 nights a week as this is what we agreed to start in the new year as he can't have DS Monday nights anymore as he works Mondays. ( He will drop DS off Monday afternoon) which leaves me to still do my driving lesson in the morning and it's none of his business what I'm doing.
So I said I will be telling CSA that you haven't even had him or seen him in 2018.

I said you need to actually communicate with me regarding our son. It's not for other people to do.

I doubt he will reply to me anyway. He's to much of a coward to answer anyone.
But he's screwed me over yet again this weekend for my hospital appointment.
I've spoken to his dad ( who hasn't even heard from him) and he said that he may be able to have DS. So fingers crossed

Just thought I'd post this..I feel liked ripping my hair out.

Best not to engage with him going forward. I’d assume if I were you that he’s not going to bother with your son any more.

Just don't bother engaging him and get on with your life as best you can as a single parent and on the assumption that he doesn't want access to his child until he tells you otherwise.

I'd be lying if I said it gets easier with ex's who are fucktards where their children are concerned and their inability to act like the grown ups they're supposed to be.

Keep a record of everything you have said and when, and any responses etc. Also keep a log of dates he misses having his child, and any dates that he does have him. If you can, any text messages from him, email / copy to yourself as if things got really nasty you have actual evidence to present to a solicitor.

He’s getting a reaction from you which is exactly what he wants.

Some fathers seem to forget being a parent is a full time job.

I can’t get over the fact he said that he pays you to have your son. CF

Is there some sort of shit dad manual these guys get because a lot of what he has said could have come out of my ex’s mouth.

If you lived near me I would look after your baby whilst you went to you appointment - at the hospital with you as obviously you don’t know me so don’t know if you can trust me (you can btw lol).

Block him off everything too then you don’t have to worry about him contacting you. Create a separate email address which he/you can use to arrange his visits. Call the CSA (or whatever they are called these days) and tell them that he is refusing to see his son so you have him 100% of the time.

Judging by my exes behaviour your ex will continue to be as awkward and unhelpful as possible and everything will be your fault - Page 4 of the shit dad’s handbook.

Thanks for your replies.

I've just had enough. I want nothing to do with him ever again which I won't romantically. But unfortunately I have a child to him.
He's made moving on so much easier in that sense and so much more difficult in others.
It's up to him if he wants to see his son or not. I can't force the guy and at the end of the day , he's the one missing out.
I'm looking into child care ect even if it's a few hours a week so I can get things done.

Thank you yettilegs11 for the offer. I am in Manchester haha and I will set up another email. Thanks for that.
I shall name it [email protected] 🙄

I'm not banking but I'm praying his dad can watch littlen on Saturday he said he would let me know and he hasn't heard from his son since boxing day. So that makes all of us. No happy new years for no one by the looks of it. He's in his own miserable bubble and everything is everyone else's fault.

I know everyone will say this is wrong and I shouldn't of done it but I messaged his boss today. She's an older woman and is more like a family friend than a boss. She has us all on Facebook including my mum . ( I know she will be on side as he work for her and looks like she's screwin the tax man out of money and that's why they are all panicking about CSA)
She's also messaged my mum back in June at midnight looking for ___ as he hadn't done work bec we argued that night.. so it's not like I've done this out the blue.

I messaged basically saying 5% of my side... I asked has she asked to work this weekend? As he's denying his son again and keeps Letting us down.
That I understand he's worried about CSA but he's left me with no choice and that he's threatened me to go and do it and now that I have. He's saying I've screwed everyone over.
I also said it's not fair on DS as he's not seeing his dad and that he's letting me down for very important appointments.
I left it with I know this is not your problem and sorry for involving you but he's blocked me of all contact ect.
If she doesn't message me fine and least she knows somewhat of where I'm coming from.

I don't know if it's right or wrong me messaging , I got the urge to do and went with my gut. Because something tells me something isn't right

You have to separate the 'letting him down' and 'letting us down'.
Make arrangements to keep your appointments and start looking at nursery or playschool. I speak from experience when I say banking on someone unreliable is the way of madness...
I must say though he strikes me as lazy rather than unreliable.
Have a break and let him contact you when he wants to see him, keep a record, do NOT keep chasing....
And leave his boss be. Let the CSA do their job.

Can’t for the life of me understand why you haven’t moved back nearer your mum and dad - the ex sounds like a lazy dead loss, he won’t change, and you can’t even reliably get to hospital appointments. You need reliable family that are in a position to help when you’ve got dc, and you’ve got a health condition too.

Would your Mum help watch your ds if you moved home and had appts etc?