The Brave Babes Battle Bus - New year, old battles, big resolve

[SweetLathyrus]

Hi, I'm SweetLathyrus, Sweet for short, and I've been on and off Gerald the Brave Babes Battle Bus for years, so this time it's me standing in for our wonderful Mouse to invite you on board.

The bus is a place of support, safety and occasional silliness for those of us struggling with our relationship with alcohol. Some of us are sober, some are trying to be, some are moderating and aren't ready to give up alcohol just yet.

So whatever your reason for questioning the whys and WTFs of your drinking, hop on board, make yourselves comfortable and join in.

If you want to see what it's like, here's the link to the last thread, the one that saw us through Christmas.

And if you want to know how it all started, here is the link to JWN's original, inspiring thread.

Join us on our journey, you won't regret it.

SweetLathyrus
Honey and lemon gratefully received.
I'm currently on the sofa under a blanket cuddling a cat snuggle pad to warm me up. One of the good things about this lurgy is I can't smell the cow byre anymore. They are on slats and with all the rain lately, the slurry smell is pretty dire Boaks 😷

Hope everyone has a good day. I'm going to have to start a spreadsheet to keep up with you all.

Morning Babes!

Thanks Trust, it’s nice to know that I’m helping a bit. For me, this bus is like a pay it forward ride, so many wise, sober babes helped me when I was trying (and failing) to give up - Venus, Faire, Spanna to name but a few - so I want to be able to give back.

Saywhen, congrats on your 60+ days, I was nodding along with your post, especially when you say you think differently about alcohol now and can imagine a happy life without it.

DryFeb, what you say about not wanting a drink is a very good question. On the original thread the very wise MIFLAW pointed out that no-one could stay sober by using willpower, and he was right. You can white knuckle it for a bit, but anyone who wants to drink again will drink again. For me I have had to change the way I look at alcohol - I have learnt to hate it. I have talked about this before, but I need this hate to keep me sober. I hate who it turns me into, I hate the power it has over me, I hate it’s stupid conniving voice telling me to “just have one”, I hate that it has the power to ruin my life if I let it.

Welcome Mrs C, please don’t be discouraged by your friend. If you were the big drinker/life and soul then it will take your friends some time to adjust to your new choice, but that doesn’t mean they won’t like it. My biggest stumbling block to sobriety was always other people’s reactions - in some way, I felt like I was letting people down by not drinking with them. However, you real friends will understand why you’re doing it and support you, and anyone who reacts negatively is really not on your side. I still find it really hard when people put pressure on me - on Christmas Day my MIL told me I was “letting her down” by not drinking bubbles with her, and that stung, but people who don’t have the same problem can’t understand that some of us can’t have one drink.

Whirly, I know what you mean about tee-totallers, I’ve always considered them to be boring fuckers and now I’m a boring fucker! I’m trying hard not to be self-righteous, especially when I’m around people who are drinking, and as it’s a very private thing for me and I don’t want to draw attention to it, I definitely wouldn’t behave like your SIL. I am ok with the fact that maybe I won’t get invited out on some big party nights by my big drinking friends now that they know I’m AF. TBH, my sobriety is so precious to me that I will do whatever it takes to protect it, even if it means being a boring fucker for a while.

Mint, hope you feel better soon, glad you’ve found a silver lining with not being able to smell anything!

Happy Saturday Babes!

whirly I too used to think non-drinkers were tedious, uptight and judgemental. I have also formed some of my closest friendships (including dp for 25 years) over several bottles of wine.

However I have been genuinely surprised in the last 5 years to have made 3 new really close wonderful friendships, without drink ones where we can laugh till we cry or cry till we laugh, none of it fuelled by alcohol.

I've drifted away from only one of my previous friends, turns out that I thought she was a drinking companion, but it turned out she'd been telling everyone I was a lush (which I was, to be fair) but now the drama is over she's not interested any more. Funnily enough, she had been the only person who had been actively unsupportive, and who had found the new me difficult.....

And my dsis, who would be uptight, boring and put her hand over her glass in a sanctimonious manner is like that whether she is drinking or not

Re my dp and his opinion : dp and I had a relationship which was founded on our shared enjoyment of food and wine, nothing else in common, like chalk and cheese in our personalities and interests. But unlike me he could relatively easily take it or leave it when it came to drink. I was hortibly deceitful for years about my drinking, the hidden second bottle, the drinking before he got home etc etc. When we did talk about my drinking he was adamant that I didn't have a problem (well he didn't know the half of it, poor man) and he didn't want me labelling myself, or being labelled by others, as an alcoholic. And he wanted us still to enjoy the shared wine over dinner, the tipsy giggle, and he didn't want me to be sober judging him for drinking, or for him to feel that he couldn't have a drink.

Looking back, I sort of became a secret non-drinker. I'd accept a glass of wine then not really have any of it, or I'd enjoy a N&T (nothing and tonic) but not say what was in my glass. I know that my dp much prefers the 'me' I am now than the slurring, bewildering creature I was before.

And the delights of sober sex. No more struggling not to pass out, or elusive orgasm, of waking and not remembering....

@gingergenius you Can Just turn up however if you phone the helpline first they can arrange for a group member to meet you first. Usually a woman for a woman and that can be really helpful.
Sorry I'm a bit of a lurker. Was around in the days of MIFLAW and Venus (another big wave).
Trying to be a bit more involved in the thread.
Abstinence is the only way for me. I wasted years trying to control my drinking.

Was hoping @MsHooliesCardigan had been back.

@dementedma whoop whoop for your start to the year. Well impressed hen.

twattage I'm not completely a non-drinker, although close to it. If people ask me I usually say "I don't really drink much these days."

I will occasionally have a glass, or two, but to be honest I find that it triggers a desire in me for more, and I really don't want to go back there again. A couple of years ago my elderly parents both died within a few months of each other and the combination of caring for them, sadness, stress and dealing with clearing their house saw me heading back from the occasional late night Baileys, to wine fuelled sobbing (part of my grief), and slipping towards the mindset of wanting, needing, craving.... it was just as tough to pull it back then as it had been way back in 2010.

And last summer my neice got married and there was a big family party. I had a glass of fizz the night before, and some wine at the wedding. The next day I refused a drink because I was driving, but I wanted one. Actually I wanted several.

So not completely drink free, but for me it's a dangerous road. That's why I'm always around here, reading everyone's stories reminds me of me, and helps to keep my resolve strong. And because I luffs you all.... ha ha

Morning venus ah that is great progress though. I can see what you mean about the slippery slope, and good to stay close to here.

Could you tell me if jesus, the original OP, stayed sober? I very much hope so - her love of her new life (I am up to about 9 weeks in) is very up-lifting.

I hope you feel better soon mint

It's interesting how we all worry about how we will cope socially. I find forcing myself to drive is quite useful as then people don't ask why you aren't drinking. It all comes back to the premise that alcohol is the only addictive drug where people won't congratulate you for quitting, but will feel a little hostile. It is because you are shining a light on their own addiction or problems. Or they are moderate drinkers who just cannot understand how it is for us. Like those people who can smoke one cigarette a week.

I am far wittier and funnier sober. I am a charming drunk, but once I tip over the edge I become boring, repeating myself over and over. Most of my friends drink excessively, in different ways of course.

Dry January is a great way to cover up an intention to quit completely or to abstain preparing for moderation. All my friends know that I have hated putting on weight so I might just say I have found that being alcohol free has enabled me to lose weight and I am going to continue with it.

I do recall quitting once before and telling someone I thought was a very close friend and who drinks way more heavily than I do. She had the nerve to tell me she thought it was a good idea and made me feel like venus friend - I was really hurt.

Anyway, today I will not be drinking. I will also be having an afternoon nap twatbear. Waves to Bernie don't worry I am back, I was just away on business trip somewhere with shit wifi.

Strawberry, fantastic to see you, one of my major inspirations in getting sober. Hope life is treating you well, I think of you often and can’t begin to explain how much you helped me.

Day 141. Today I will not be drinking.

Morning rothbury - really happy that all 3 bears are still here after a week.

I am the same as you - better generally sober, although also fine on beers. Not fine on wine!

I'm still feeling completely exhausted, my skin is soooo dry, no boing as yet.

morning all . strawberry thank you

Trip down memory lane to hear MIFLAWs name mentioned. he certainly was a straight talker and I think we clashed once or twice but he talked a lot of tough love sense. some of his analogies have stayed with me..that trying to fight alcoholism by will power alone is like trying to stop diarrhoea by will power, and don't get into the boxing ring in the first place !!
Wonder what happened to him?

Hello Babes

Sweet - my lovely friend! What a brilliant opening, welcoming post! You got me back, that's for sure Thank you xxx

Ma - thank you for the message, I'm feeling much better but still struggling with this cold, damp weather. It's making my Fibromyalgia flare up so much so that I'm in bed most days. Three weeks in hospital kind of kicked my body clock out of kilter even more! I hope you're okay? xxx

Hello to all the lovely new Babes and a HUGE WELCOME TO THE BUS! You're in safe, caring hands here. xxx

Hey to the other Babes who've been riding along the Bus that little bit longer, sorry for the lack support from me, hopefully once things settle down more for me health wise, I plan to be here, snuggled in my nest helping where I can

Right, time to get my skates on. DD is going back to Uni today so we're packing up and taking her back up to her flat. I'm beyond wobbly

I'm not sure when she'll be back, and we're going miss her heaps. She's grown so very much since she left home last summer. We're so proud of her

Be back soon lovely Babes,

Mouse xxx

I have started reading the original threads a while ago and am up to March 2011. It’s sort of like reading a journal and when somebody makes a comment I want to say YES that’s the way I feel then you obviously can’t join in. JWN, Venus, Mouse, MIFLAW, Silver and you Ma seemed to be central characters in this journal. I too would like to know what has happened with MIFLAW and JWN.

Morning All

Margie it gives me great pleasure reading your posts, they're uplifting and so positive. Your journey is an inspiration to all of us It's an amazing feeling once you've nailed it, isn't it? You rock

Venus I really enjoy reading about your journey, thank you

Bee your post a few pages back was raw and very honest. I do love a good rant. Keep going babe it just gets better and better

To all of you ballet fans - I can feel a 'Ballet Fund' coming on. Everytime you think about dashing down to the shop for that bottle of wine, cans of beer, bottle of gin - put the money you would have spent into a jar and watch it add up for your next trip to see the ballet or whichever show, play you'd really like to see - the money soon adds up.

It was me who occasionally shares the amount of money I haven't spent on booze - today my app says £13,635 - my one regret from my journey is that I didn't put the money away, but my saving grace is being able to look at that figure, the days and the quantity that I haven't consumed it still spurs me on. In the early days I would look at my app on a daily basis, now it's probably once a week, just as a reminder of how far I've come.

I'm an 'all or nothing' girl (as some of you have described yourselves) I have my 'fuck it' button and when I decided I would try and moderate, I would get to Day 3 and press the button - 'I've done 3 days I now deserve a reward to this' It took me approx 2 years to finally realise that I can't moderate, once I start I can't stop until all the booze is gone I then made to decision to abstain completely - it's the only way that would work for me. We are all different and you all need to try different ways.

Dry January is a good platform to start. You will feel tons better for it whatever you decide to do after that.

The one thing that I realised was that I was drinking (at least a bottle a night, often more and even more if I was out) to mask, run away from, stay in an alcohol haze to run away from all of the things that I was unhappy about - so when I gave it all up I was faced with stuff that was sometimes hard to deal with and it took some time to work through them. Giving up can be an emotional roller coaster and facing up to demons is all part of it. That said, it is so worth the ride.
I say none of my journey to sound smug I just want to share. And if I can help any of you in any way - I'm very happy to.

In the early days - I had a metallic taste in my mouth for a couple of weeks. I ate my body weight in sweet things. I dived into Housewives & Millionaire Matchmaker as a nightly distraction. I read threads on MN. I went for walks with skinny dog. I phoned friends. Anything to take my thoughts away from dashing to the shop for vino.

It's important to be kind to yourself. If you cave don't beat yourself up. Dust yourself down and keep going. This bus is an amazing place full of lovely babes who have been there and done it. And we all 'get it'

Have a great Saturday everyone

Mouse great to see you babe, missed you there whilst I was typing my epic post. Happy New Year darling, sending strength and love

Morning all!

This might be controversial but I don’t actually feel like an alcoholic. I think that’s why I still like the idea of drinking. My problem isn’t addiction but a lack of moderation, maybe every few months. As the days go on I don’t even know if I want to be teetotal. I like the taste and rituals of alcohol... Do you need to hit rock bottom to stop entirely?

Day 8 now.

Whirly I have a friend similar to your SIL and I find her to be quite judgemental and disapproving when she thinks someone’s had too much (ie more than one drink). However I’ve met two great women separately in the last few years who are teetotal - one as she had a problem, one because she was depressed - who are fun, enthusiastic, and a great laugh on a night out. I think it just depends on the person.

Morning everyone, i’m busy catching up and ready everyone’s posts. I apologise I don’t name check but I do read everyone’s posts and loving this bus so much. It’s personally helping me so much so thank you ALL babes and bears. I’m heading in town (never heard of on a Saturday as too hungover and can’t face people) to meet my friend for lunch and a wander round the shops. I’m even bringing the kids x

Oh and Day 6 for me

spanna thanks for your post. The paragraph about being an ‘all or nothing girl’ sums it up for me. I don’t drink daily, but about once a month I go far too far. How long have you been AF?

I declined offers to go out last night, because though I’m happy to be in the pub sober with my friends, I couldn’t be bothered and saw the negatives (expensive, grimy, bad weather). Think I might have to make more of an effort.

Dry I've been sober for 2.5 years Do you think that your 'wipe out' each month is your way of relieving all the day to day mundanus that life can bring? I too hate the word alcoholic, to me it's always summed up an image that isn't me. I think I grew up in a drinking culture where pubs were the norm, it's quite different for our children now. We are all different - do what suits you x

Dry
I think the term "alcoholic" is outdated as many of those with alcohol issues dont fit in with the general idea of what an alcoholic is /was viewed as.
There are physical and psychological addictions to alcohol and it doesnt seem like you are physically addicted .
Only you know how much of a problem your intake is and how it affects you/others
Im one of those who had an issue with what most people would consider "social drinking" but it really affected my moods and anxiety levels so it had to stop.
Life is good but I have shit days like everyone .Now its just a shit day not one made worse with drinking and anxiety

spanna yes! I’m quite hard on myself and a high achiever, and sometimes it all just gets too much and I have a blowout which takes a day to recover from (which I actually quite enjoy in a weird way because I never have a day off otherwise). 2.5yrs is an amazing accomplishment

pinkpeppermint thanks, that makes perfect sense. I don’t think I’m physically addicted but perhaps addicted to alcohol as a social crutch and means of letting off steam.

I think I might write a list of pros and cons to refer to when I’m having a wobble...

Good luck today everyone

morning all - hope everyone is doing ok.

I did have wine last night (I planned to) but I was surprised that I didn't really enjoy it and when I woke up this morning I didn't feel bad but knew I didn't feel as good as when I wake up AF.

I had planned to moderate but I suspect (hope) that the periods of AF between moderation will grow longer. But thats for the future I think - one day at a time.

venus I am just reading your post where you recommend in 2010 an online jigsaw site: www.jigzone.com - it's brilliant, I've just done one! Love a good jigsaw...

Yes Spanna, it is an amazing feeling and I never would have got here without you. I wouldn’t even know you if I passed you on the street but I owe you so much, makes me a bit emotional just thinking about it.

The term alcoholic is really interesting. My father drank from 11am until 1am the next morning pretty much every day (pub landlord) but I never saw him drunk. He died of alcoholic liver failure.

I rarely drink to excess, unless it's on a big night out. However, I definitely have a problem in that I have been drinking alcohol every day and that leads to other destructive behaviours or effects such as eating crap, being a bit too fuzzy to do anything other than watch TV, and every now and then it leads to a hangover which impacts my work.

It's definitely a habit for me, but not sure it is an addiction. It is definitely destructive for me though which is why I am here.