who Is the selfish one here.. me or my mum

[PinkTeletubby101]

So me and my mum have fallen out and aren’t speaking because she always moans about watching my sons when I ask her too for a few hours so me and DH Can have some quality time together - you know go out for a meal, go to the pub without having the kids interrupt. My DC’s are aged 5 & 3. My mum is aged 53 and yes she works full time. She works 9-5 Monday - Friday (like me and everyone else on this planet) and has weekends off. Every time I ask if she will watch the kids for a few hours while me and DH do something together she moans - “well how long will you be”, “I don’t want to watch them for too long” , “I’ve already got plans”, “I already did my bit when you and your sister were young this is what happens when you have kids”, “I’ve been at work all week”, “why does everyone want my time”. We have an argument every time she comes out with this shit because she should want to see her grandchildren right ? I used to make the effort to go and see her until I realized if I never seen her she would never make the effort to see us. She has a partner (it you could call him that) who she has been with for 13 years. For some reason my 5 year old son will not be in the same room as him, my son will scream, cry or won’t even look at him if we see him. If my mums DP goes to my mums house and my son is there, my son will cry and scream, until her DP just goes “I don’t want To listen to this” and he goes home. May I add her DP doesn’t have any kids and has never lived with my mum, hE has his own place. Before anyone asks - have I asked my son why he doesn’t like my moms partner - he says “I don’t like his face” and has been like this since 2 years old. Now my anger stems from I feel like my mum will not help out with the kids because she is more bothered about trying to see him (even though he isn’t bothered about her really).

Example of her selfishness - this Christmas: me and my two sons arranged to go have dinner with my mum, my sister, my sisters partner and my Nan (my mums mum.). I felt I should have dinner with my Nan as this is was her first Christmas without my grandad (he died a few months ago), and my mum is an only child. So I thought having my sons there would cheer everyone up. My Nan has also broken her hip so is not mobile at all and her bed is downstairs. Anyway I got there at 1pm for lunch, we had all finished lunch by 1.30, my mum then goes “well now I’ve finished I’m going to meet XXX (her partner) at the pub”. I was just sitting there like oh okay you’ve not stopped long then. And she was like no because I’m going to the pub with XXX for the last hour as they close at 3. I just said ok. So she left to walk her dogs, then called me half hour later saying “how long are you staying at your nans for because I’m thinking of coming back over now if you’re stopping there long”, I replied “why, I thought you were going pub?” And she goes “Oh, XXX wanted to go for more than 1 hour so he said there was no point in going”. So basically because he blew her out as such she wanted to come back to her own mum and daughters As she had nothing better to do (the way I see it). Her DP probably sat at his home on his own as he doesn’t celebrate Christmas.

Am I being childish? Just feel like she has no time for me and I’m done with her. I’m 25 and my sister is 22. She got my sister a few presents and asked me a week before Christmas if we could leave presents this year as she hasn’t been in the mood/time with her mums broken hip. At this point I had already got her presents. Then my sister told me my mum had to quickly run out to get me something for Xmas.

Sorry for the rant I’m just fed up of her. Her and my dad have been split 13 years as he is an acloholic. It was what needed to be done at the time but Even when it was just her looking after me and my sister on her own she just used to go out Friday/Saturday nights to go get drunk and leave me and my sister at home on our own (I was 14, my sister was 11). She used to tell me I couldn’t stay out past 8-9 o’clock - probably because she wanted me back home to sit with my sister. I have questioned her about this before now I have kids of my own - I used to ask her about this when I was 13! Her reply was / is “what did you want me to do, sit in on my own while you and your sister sit on your laptops”.

Maybe I’m the selfish one? Oppinions ?

OP - are you for real?
You mom raised you as a single mother, having divorced an alcoholic husband. Wasn’t the ideal mom, but who really is.
Now, her dad died recently. Her mom had an operation.
So - I assume she is helping her mom too, somehow. Since she is an only child.
And she is still working full time. And has a bf.

Now - let’s look at you.
You chose to have two kids by the age of 25. You have a healthy (non-alcoholic) husband.
You seem to want to have time off kids, go to pubs, play football after work. And you don’t want to pay for childcare.

Grow up. Your responsibilities are yours, no one else’s.
Your mom is still a young enough woman to have a life of her own.
And she did - do her time with small children.
It’s your turn now - by your own choice.

FFS many years in the past when women tended not to work outside the home it may have been expected that a 53 year old grandmother would automatically child mind for her daughter's children.

In 2017 your DM has a life. A full time job and a partner of her own - and OMG how selfish she wants to have social life of her own!! Why would you expect that she should sacrifice her leisure time in order that you and your DP can go to the pub uninterrupted? I will admit that I do have friends of this age who do help out quite a lot with their grandchildren but these tend to be either where the GM in question works part time; and/or where their DD is a single mom so she does not have a partner to share the child care with.

Sorry but it's definitely you who are BU

I’m sorry OP but you sound completely selfish. Your mum works full time! She’ll be tired after work. She also has to squeeze in time for her mother, her partner and you are whining that she won’t have YOUR children at YOUR demand. This is ridiculous. This post can’t be right

Erm, it's you OP, you are the selfish one, not your mum.

It sounds like it might be hard for her to enjoy being the fun granny, because all she’s been asked to do is be the back-up parent. Did you just assume from day 2 she’d be your babysitter?

You might find that once you stop using her, she might willingly want to soend time with your DS, on her own terms.

YABU and sound as if you and your DH haven’t come to terms with having kids meaning less time for yourselves.

Your Mum has had a shit life.

Married to an alcoholic.
Brought two kids up on her own.
Recently bereaved.
Cares for her elderly ill mother.
Has a crap partner.
Has barely raised her own kids when GCs come along.
She is expected to pick up more slack after working full time.
She is expected to run around after SonIL so he can play football.
And is berated by her DD for not providing a free babysitting service.

Be kind to her - no one else is - or leave her alone.

What do you do for her?

Why not help her out - offer to do her cleaning / ironing / gardening.

Bake her a cake.

Take her out - leave the kids with your DH.

Utterly unreasonable to expect her after a days work to look after your kids so he can play football!

One of the first things my parents said to me when I told them I was pregnant with their first grandchild was "well, that's lovely but don't expect us to babysit". They kept to their word, apart from one occasion when DS and DD spent a day and a night with them.

Some people, for any number of reasons, just aren't keen on looking after children, even their own grandchildren whom they love.

Childcare is hard work! After a day in sole charge of my grandchildren (or even just one of them) I am shattered!

I think sometimes young people don't realise how much more tiring everyday activities can be when you're older. I am 60. Five years ago, I was working full time, often about 60 hours a week. There is no way I could possibly do that now, I think it would kill me! I now work 22 hours a week and sometimes that feels like too much!

I was particularly put out by what you said, OP, about your work - "I guess I’m just taking it out on her that I don’t get a break. Me and DH both work full time..". Remember, your mother also works full time! She too needs a break and doubtless looks forward to the weekends when she can go out, or simply stay home and relax and recharge. I can see why she she might "moan" as you put it, when her longed for weekend is chipped away at by your demands for childcare from her.

I think, as others have suggested, it would be sensible for you to find alternative childcare and allow your mother to live her own life and see her grandchildren with no strings attached, without the expectation that she will provide free childcare for you.

I guess I’m just taking it out on her that I don’t get a break. Me and DH both work full time to pay mortgage bills childcare etc so I just get frustrated.

Oh boo bloody hoo.

No she might not be Mary poppins but I'm telling you as someone of 48 that you DEFINITELY get more tired. I'm a single Mum if 3. I work and life isn't easy. My mum lives 200 miles away and if I want a night out I have to budget for a babysitter. Stop with the entitlement.

Presumably your children are in childcare while you're working. What's different about looking after your children in the evenings? Why don't you ask one of the carers at your children's nursery if they do childcare? Or use an agency - Sitters are very good

PAY a childminder to look after your kids... and stop asking your Mother.. I think you're being very unreasonable to ask her when you know she also works full time....

your Mother will come see her grandchildren when it suits both you and her...

Agree with Josuk and Another20. You are entitled beyond belief. Not a quality that any person should be, ever!! Grow up and take responsibility for raising and caring for your own children, rather than foisting it off to your overstretched mother!

Oh my goodness, YABU.

Your mum is not responsible for your children.

Fwiw I haven't been out with DH since before DC2 was born 15 months ago.

I've just noticed the title of your thread, OP!

The answer, as you probably now realise, is YOU!

The last night out I had was 2 years ago. You choose to have kids then you sacrifice your freedom. If you want freedom don't have kids.

They are your kids your responsibility. You’ve no idea she sounds like a dream to my mother

Some people are lucky and get committed grandparents and some people aren't that lucky and don't. You have no rights to insist that she helps raise dgc. Over time the impact of putting less in to the relationship with them is that she will get less out but that is her choice to make.

Blimey. You sound incredibly selfish and childish. I assume when you’re 53, working full time to pay your mortgage you’re expecting to be free always available childcare for your grandchildren so your kids can bin off parenting whenever they feel like doing a hobby or going to the pub. Sod your own life and your right to down time or a social life hey?

Frustrating for you OP as you probably know mums whose mums help out loads! But take it when she offers and don’t ask.

I think what's confusing the issue is that the mum does sound a bit selfish in some ways and not very loving towards her dd and gc. Also it is not wrong to wish she would help a bit more as other GM do. I wish my mum could help out more but she can't and I don't blame her, but I still wish it. So it is a bit upsetting in that way.
But the DM is perfectly in the right by not wanting to provide lots of babysitting so the OP can have nights out, esp when she is working FT herself.
If you separate the two issues it would be fair to be upset that DM is not very loving and doesn't seem to want to spend time with op and her dc.

Ifyou want a night off, why can't DH look after the kids?
Why is 3yo hard hard work?
You need to work on getting the kids down to sleep at a reasonable time if you and DH get no alone time. Ds is down for 8, house sorted by 9 so we Get a couple of hours before bed

When I was reading this i thought oh God people are going to have a field day with this one.
Regardless of how she was as a mum you can't expect her to drop her life every time you want her to take time out to look after your children, regardless of how long it often it is. That's rediculos.

You and your dh need to sit down and look at alternative child care because she doesn't have to be an unpaid babysitter.

Your expectations of her are unreasonable!.

I can understand you disappointment op but if she wasn't mum of the year why would you expect her to be any different as a gm now?

My mum was and is alot like yours, my dd is 7 and I have never asked her for nothing as I expect nothing. No effort comes from her not even really at Christmas, we as in me and my db just accept how it is and get on with our lives happily, We maintain a relationship with dm as much as she does us although if we didnt ask her she wouldnt step foot out the door.

Let it go and find other means to get your free time. Give back what you are given.

YABU and selfish
We haven't had a night without kids for over a year- we paid a childminder to watch them when we went Christmas shopping
You Don't get to demand free child care from your mum - sort yourself out