who Is the selfish one here.. me or my mum

[PinkTeletubby101]

So me and my mum have fallen out and aren’t speaking because she always moans about watching my sons when I ask her too for a few hours so me and DH Can have some quality time together - you know go out for a meal, go to the pub without having the kids interrupt. My DC’s are aged 5 & 3. My mum is aged 53 and yes she works full time. She works 9-5 Monday - Friday (like me and everyone else on this planet) and has weekends off. Every time I ask if she will watch the kids for a few hours while me and DH do something together she moans - “well how long will you be”, “I don’t want to watch them for too long” , “I’ve already got plans”, “I already did my bit when you and your sister were young this is what happens when you have kids”, “I’ve been at work all week”, “why does everyone want my time”. We have an argument every time she comes out with this shit because she should want to see her grandchildren right ? I used to make the effort to go and see her until I realized if I never seen her she would never make the effort to see us. She has a partner (it you could call him that) who she has been with for 13 years. For some reason my 5 year old son will not be in the same room as him, my son will scream, cry or won’t even look at him if we see him. If my mums DP goes to my mums house and my son is there, my son will cry and scream, until her DP just goes “I don’t want To listen to this” and he goes home. May I add her DP doesn’t have any kids and has never lived with my mum, hE has his own place. Before anyone asks - have I asked my son why he doesn’t like my moms partner - he says “I don’t like his face” and has been like this since 2 years old. Now my anger stems from I feel like my mum will not help out with the kids because she is more bothered about trying to see him (even though he isn’t bothered about her really).

Example of her selfishness - this Christmas: me and my two sons arranged to go have dinner with my mum, my sister, my sisters partner and my Nan (my mums mum.). I felt I should have dinner with my Nan as this is was her first Christmas without my grandad (he died a few months ago), and my mum is an only child. So I thought having my sons there would cheer everyone up. My Nan has also broken her hip so is not mobile at all and her bed is downstairs. Anyway I got there at 1pm for lunch, we had all finished lunch by 1.30, my mum then goes “well now I’ve finished I’m going to meet XXX (her partner) at the pub”. I was just sitting there like oh okay you’ve not stopped long then. And she was like no because I’m going to the pub with XXX for the last hour as they close at 3. I just said ok. So she left to walk her dogs, then called me half hour later saying “how long are you staying at your nans for because I’m thinking of coming back over now if you’re stopping there long”, I replied “why, I thought you were going pub?” And she goes “Oh, XXX wanted to go for more than 1 hour so he said there was no point in going”. So basically because he blew her out as such she wanted to come back to her own mum and daughters As she had nothing better to do (the way I see it). Her DP probably sat at his home on his own as he doesn’t celebrate Christmas.

Am I being childish? Just feel like she has no time for me and I’m done with her. I’m 25 and my sister is 22. She got my sister a few presents and asked me a week before Christmas if we could leave presents this year as she hasn’t been in the mood/time with her mums broken hip. At this point I had already got her presents. Then my sister told me my mum had to quickly run out to get me something for Xmas.

Sorry for the rant I’m just fed up of her. Her and my dad have been split 13 years as he is an acloholic. It was what needed to be done at the time but Even when it was just her looking after me and my sister on her own she just used to go out Friday/Saturday nights to go get drunk and leave me and my sister at home on our own (I was 14, my sister was 11). She used to tell me I couldn’t stay out past 8-9 o’clock - probably because she wanted me back home to sit with my sister. I have questioned her about this before now I have kids of my own - I used to ask her about this when I was 13! Her reply was / is “what did you want me to do, sit in on my own while you and your sister sit on your laptops”.

Maybe I’m the selfish one? Oppinions ?

Op if my mum minds my kids for me a few times a year, I consider myself lucky. I'm on my own with them, one full time the other sees his dad on the weekends. I'm knackered. I'm physically disabled, I struggle all bloody week and on the weekend get a night off from lifting the baby, then it's back to it all over.
I pay a babysitter bribe her with wine actually when I'm longing for a cinema night, or a couple hours off. Other than that, I keep on keeping on.
I think you know you're being a bit selfish. Just cause your grandparents helped out, doesn't mean your parents automatically should. Try spending time with her as an actual family unit, she won't feel so used and tied if it's time she feels she can enjoy your kids and not be fully responsible.

I think OP times have changed, like you I had terrific grandparents who were local and genuinely loved having me over and actually volunteer erred , but the big difference is one only worked mornings and one didn't work at all and neither had caring for their parents as an issue either. With so many more women in their 40s 50s and 60s working full time out of necessity or choice plus less decent care options for elderly parents, not all have the time or the energy to be honest to look after demanding young children for anything but the occasional day or the odd evening. If it genuinely is only once a month you ask, then yes I think she is being a bit mean with her time, however please be honest with yourself, as I suspect it's quite a bit more than this.

Definately you.

DH does not feel comfortable paying a baby sitter as we do not know anyone. Anyhow yes I used to pop over all the time with DC’s but sometimes she would just moan if my youngest was messing around. I suppose I just want her to be like my grandparents used to be, taking me and my sister and cousin out, taking us on holiday, and spoiling us. Even her mum and dad used to look after us lots and do fun things with us. I suppose they were in their 60’s though and semi-retired. When my son was born she could not get enough, still can’t when she sees him. But my youngest however she just gets fed up with as he is 3 and hard hard work. I suppose i partly feel envious as all my friends and DH’s don’t have children so I am slightly envious and they do what they wish. Had DS at 19 years old hence why no one we are close with has children. I’m going to try contact my mum and apologize but then keep my distance

Your mother works full time, cares for her mother and tries to have a social life outside of that. You seem very resentful that her world doesn't revolve around your free babysitting wants. It doesn't and it shouldn't. She needs and deserves her own life. She's not obliged to provide free babysitting to you and by the sounds of it, she just doesn't have the energy or inclination. Not everybody's into little kids.

You need to pay a babysitter so you can go out. That's what most people do.

Mine are 15/13

DM hasn't babysat once

My sister babysat 3/4 times

They don't owe you anything and I think your entitled attitude speaks volumes

What about your MIL?

You’re being totally unreasonable. They aren’t her kids and she’s not their babysitter. If you want childcare you need to pay for it. Far from saying she doesn’t want to spend time with them, she’s just saying she doesn’t want sole caring responsibility whilst you’re out.

With regards to Christmas, she had every right to want to see her partner on Christmas Day and it made sense for her to pop out whilst you were all with your grandmother as that way she wasn’t left alone. She clearly couldn’t ask her partner over or your child would freak out. She’s trying to help everyone.

Re the presents - seriously? You’re an adult. She had other priorities in the run up to Christmas than presents for her adult children. Deal with it.

Lastly, I really cannot understand why anyone thinks she as a crap Mum because she gave you a curfew at 14 that was within the range of reasonable times. That’s what good parents do, they don’t let their kids just come home whenever they feel like it.

TL;dr - you’re being selfish and she isn’t.

And yes I used to rely on her a lot, I used to ask her Occasionally on a Thursday if she would pick up my son from nursery on her way home from work (at 5.30pm) then I would collect him at 6pm on my way home (his nursery is round the corner), and even this she would moan about “FFS I’ve been at work all day why don’t you sort this with DH”, because DH tries to play football Thursday evenings but sometimes I struggle to get home on time. I gave up with her moaning so haven’t asked her again and DH just goes when possible.

How about your sister? Could she babysit? She's family and she's young and they are her nephews. Or your friends? I sometimes looked after my friends' babies/kids before I had children myself as I loved it. Or do you have friends with children? If not, then start befriending some and then you can swap babysitting - we all look after each other's kids here when we need to and it tends to be easier as the kids play together so they're entertained.

Grandparents do not have to babysit if they don't want to. It's their choice.

DH's mother made it clear she had no intention of babysitting. My mother did quite a lot. We never expected anything that wasn't offered and they both loved DD equally.

Haven’t had an evening to myself for 2 months. I am selfish but I just wanted to see it from others point of view.

Ha ha ha ha ha. We get two evenings a year.

I admit I am selfish for wanting a break with my DH for a few hours in the evening - it gets so hard some times would just like some time for ourselves.

The refrain of many parents. Not everybody has grandparents alive, healthy enough to consider looking after children, close enough for it to be possible.

Just seen your last post. Your mother should have collected from nursery because the child's own father wanted to play football! Really? They're his children!

Wtf?? Your dh tries to play football?? Guess what? I wasn't able to go to the gym for years because I had to look after the kids. So I worked out at home until my youngest started nursery. I also couldn't do a whole host of stuff because I had kids. But it's only temporary and now my eldest two can babysit. However, once they start wanting to be out at weekends, I'll have to revert to paying a babysitter. They're still at that old enough to babysit but not to go out to parties age.

YABU

HTH

YABVU

Get a babysitter when you want to go out.

If you want to see your mum and for your children to see their grandmother, invite her over to share a meal with you or join you on a trip to the park, etc.

Just show her some respect!

I've just read the football on thursday post, and come to the conclusion that this whole thread is a reverse

I guess I’m just taking it out on her that I don’t get a break. Me and DH both work full time to pay mortgage bills childcare etc so I just get frustrated.

OP, some of your comments were quite shocking to me, particularly how selfish you come across.

It was your choice to have children and inclusive in the childcare costs would come babysitting costs should you want a night out.

Irrespective of whether your DM was a good parent or not, she's not there for babysitting purposes. She has her own life.

My suggestion would be to factor in babysitting costs to your social life cost and accept that no one has an obligation to provide you with free child care.

You realise that your update makes you sound more selfish and not less, right op?

You're whinging about you're mum having to pick YOUR child up from nursery after SHES been at work all day because YOUR DP WANTS TO PLAY FOOTBALL ON A THURSDAY. This is absolutely pathetic and I think you need to have a serious word with yourself about how you're treating your poor mother when she's to tired to play parent to your children. And you only get two evenings to yourself a month? Oh you poor thing how on earth with you go on. Please please grow up. I was 17 when I fell pregnant with my first and do not feel envious of friends with no children. I chose to continue with the pregnancy knowing full well what I was getting myself into, just like you did. I really hope Father Christmas gifted you a grip this year.

Do you go and spend time with her/ take the kids to see her when you are there too so she can see them without feeling like she's the childcare? Maybe if you do this more she may not be so resentful? She should want to help but once a month is quite a lot. Maybe she doesn't want it to be a guaranteed regular thing.

@PinkTeletubby101 "DH tries to play football Thursday evenings" so your mum is asked to pick your child up? I am lucky enough that both my parents (who work) and DHs mother (who works) would pick my children up if I asked them an they werent working...however I wouldn't dream of asking a parent to go after work and pick up my child unless it was a work thing/important. I would simply feel awful. If DH is entitled to some "me time" then why isnt your DM? its not her child. She did all this before.

My Mum and Dad made it clear when I had kids that they weren’t going to do it for me. I very, very rarely asked them to have my kids while Mum was alive. They did ask to take them sometimes, more often than not individually to get quality time, which was really good for the kids and for me too.

Honestly OP, in the gentlest way possible, you sound like a child having a strop. You need a break, you can’t get home in time, your DH wants to play football, you want quality time, blah blah blah. Why should anyone else pick up the slack for your choices? It’s different if grandparents/family offer, quite another to expect it and get stroppy when they won’t comply.

Having children means making sacrifices when it comes to nights out or time to yourself.

You need to find a good babysitter. Your Dh would be fine paying a childminder I'm sure so if you find a decent babysitter it's very similar. Of course they do charge quite a bit but that's the cost of getting someone trustworthy. If you both work you can afford it now and then.

Yanbu to be so disappointed, but unfortunately you are going to have to adjust your expectations.

Sadly, some people are crap parents and go on to be crap grandparents. Often they conveniently forget all the help they got from their own parents and claim that they did it all when they were young, so why should they have to help now?

The only thing you can do if unlucky enough to be landed with one of these is distance yourself and remember it when your own dc in turn have children.

Sorry OP, but get a grip and grow up. Your mother already has enough on her plate.