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Original poster

who Is the selfish one here.. me or my mum

105 replies

PinkTeletubby101 · 27/12/2017 19:02

So me and my mum have fallen out and aren’t speaking because she always moans about watching my sons when I ask her too for a few hours so me and DH Can have some quality time together - you know go out for a meal, go to the pub without having the kids interrupt. My DC’s are aged 5 & 3. My mum is aged 53 and yes she works full time. She works 9-5 Monday - Friday (like me and everyone else on this planet) and has weekends off. Every time I ask if she will watch the kids for a few hours while me and DH do something together she moans - “well how long will you be”, “I don’t want to watch them for too long” , “I’ve already got plans”, “I already did my bit when you and your sister were young this is what happens when you have kids”, “I’ve been at work all week”, “why does everyone want my time”. We have an argument every time she comes out with this shit because she should want to see her grandchildren right ? I used to make the effort to go and see her until I realized if I never seen her she would never make the effort to see us. She has a partner (it you could call him that) who she has been with for 13 years. For some reason my 5 year old son will not be in the same room as him, my son will scream, cry or won’t even look at him if we see him. If my mums DP goes to my mums house and my son is there, my son will cry and scream, until her DP just goes “I don’t want To listen to this” and he goes home. May I add her DP doesn’t have any kids and has never lived with my mum, hE has his own place. Before anyone asks - have I asked my son why he doesn’t like my moms partner - he says “I don’t like his face” and has been like this since 2 years old. Now my anger stems from I feel like my mum will not help out with the kids because she is more bothered about trying to see him (even though he isn’t bothered about her really).

Example of her selfishness - this Christmas: me and my two sons arranged to go have dinner with my mum, my sister, my sisters partner and my Nan (my mums mum.). I felt I should have dinner with my Nan as this is was her first Christmas without my grandad (he died a few months ago), and my mum is an only child. So I thought having my sons there would cheer everyone up. My Nan has also broken her hip so is not mobile at all and her bed is downstairs. Anyway I got there at 1pm for lunch, we had all finished lunch by 1.30, my mum then goes “well now I’ve finished I’m going to meet XXX (her partner) at the pub”. I was just sitting there like oh okay you’ve not stopped long then. And she was like no because I’m going to the pub with XXX for the last hour as they close at 3. I just said ok. So she left to walk her dogs, then called me half hour later saying “how long are you staying at your nans for because I’m thinking of coming back over now if you’re stopping there long”, I replied “why, I thought you were going pub?” And she goes “Oh, XXX wanted to go for more than 1 hour so he said there was no point in going”. So basically because he blew her out as such she wanted to come back to her own mum and daughters As she had nothing better to do (the way I see it). Her DP probably sat at his home on his own as he doesn’t celebrate Christmas.

Am I being childish? Just feel like she has no time for me and I’m done with her. I’m 25 and my sister is 22. She got my sister a few presents and asked me a week before Christmas if we could leave presents this year as she hasn’t been in the mood/time with her mums broken hip. At this point I had already got her presents. Then my sister told me my mum had to quickly run out to get me something for Xmas.

Sorry for the rant I’m just fed up of her. Her and my dad have been split 13 years as he is an acloholic. It was what needed to be done at the time but Even when it was just her looking after me and my sister on her own she just used to go out Friday/Saturday nights to go get drunk and leave me and my sister at home on our own (I was 14, my sister was 11). She used to tell me I couldn’t stay out past 8-9 o’clock - probably because she wanted me back home to sit with my sister. I have questioned her about this before now I have kids of my own - I used to ask her about this when I was 13! Her reply was / is “what did you want me to do, sit in on my own while you and your sister sit on your laptops”.

Maybe I’m the selfish one? Oppinions ?

OP posts:
RaindropsAndSparkles · 27/12/2017 19:33

Two issues. Using your mother who has a full time job and elderly mother to care for as free childcare. And your disappointment at how she patented you.

I am 57 op. My mother wasn't a great parent. When DH and I wanted a night out we paid a babysitter. My mother was my age (ish) when ds1 was born. I have a full time job which she didn't but she had my gran. I have to pace my self so much more than even 10 years ago. I really could not cope with ad hoc child care.

Have you thought about some counselling to do you deal with your dysfunctional family life growing up?

Original poster
PinkTeletubby101 · 27/12/2017 19:35

I honestly feel so stupid posting this now maybe I just can’t take the criticism. I suppose it’s just several things put together that make me mad.

OP posts:
mrssapphirebright · 27/12/2017 19:36

Your mother sounds like mine. I stopped asking her to babysit when my two dc were 2 and 4. They are now 14 and 16.
I just distanced myself from her to be honest. I am sad about it but I did it for my own sanity. Is her loss as she only sees my dc once every few months.
Me and my exh (dc dad) soon realised we were on our own with our dc.in hindsight id have had it no other way.

Op I would back off and readjust your expectations. Pay for a babysitter if you want alone time with your dp. Your mother clearly isn't that bothered.

MsGameandWatching · 27/12/2017 19:37

You are the selfish one here and I would never leave my children with someone who so clearly didn't want them.

allinclusive · 27/12/2017 19:37

Your mum doesn't owe you anything. It's give and take. Maybe say if you look after DCs, I'll pop over and see Nan so that you can have a break? You are all working hard and have dependents, so a bit of kindness and understanding will go a long way.

skippykips · 27/12/2017 19:37

I very rarely ask anybody to look after my 3 dds. In fact in September I asked my mum for the first time in 2 years. My mum loves all of her grandchildren. She is 64, works full time and has weekends off. Those weekends are her own to enjoy. If she wants to see my children she can come and visit and have a meal cooked for her. She has no pressure to look after my children! She did her looking after kids when we were younger.
If you want quality time, then have quality time in your home whilst the children are sleeping!
Im sorry if I am wrong but as parents you don't NEED to have these monthly date nights everyone seems to have!

TrojansAreSmegheads · 27/12/2017 19:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Becinna · 27/12/2017 19:37

Your mother doesn't owe you childcare. It's not her fault that you chose to have children or have a mortgage. I'm a single parent and go out two nights a year because I have to save up for a babysitter. You could always have date nights at home with your partner.

Ragwort · 27/12/2017 19:37

OP - Am I being childish?

Yes, if you want to go out then pay a babysitter like everyone else does. I hope to goodness my adult DC never behave like you.

Many of my friends are grandparents and frequently feel they are being taken advantage of by their children who seem to see it as a 'privilege' to allow them to babysit whilst leaving a whole list of instructions that must be obeyed.

RaindropsAndSparkles · 27/12/2017 19:39

Don't feel stupid. You are only 25. You have a lot on your plate and it's tough.

Greenshoots1 · 27/12/2017 19:39

Haven’t had an evening to myself for 2 months

how often do you think parents of young children get an evening to themselves?

Why do you think you are entitled to one? What makes you think your mum is obliged to provide it?

SkaTastic · 27/12/2017 19:42

I've got the same sort of thing with my DM. She last had my littlest in March which was the last time me and DH went out.

Although it's shit I think it's a bit of tough shit and now I don't ask as I don't want to be disappointed by the answer.

And I wouldn't argue with her about it. Waste of time.

Squeegle · 27/12/2017 19:43

I’m sorry you feel let down, I don’t know your mum, but I am 52, Work full time, (as it happens have two teens and am single mum). The last thing I would want to do at the end of a long week is provide childcare for 2 young kids even if they were my grandchildren. I know it’s hard, but think of it from her point of view, she’s only just free of an alcoholic husband, she needs some time to do her stuff. At the very least there are two of you to share the childcare burden- can’t you swap babysitting with some friends and do the same for them?

SkaTastic · 27/12/2017 19:43

And I don't think you are selfish by the way. I have friends who's parents will ask to have their Grandchildren and love having them to stop over. But not mine. Sigh.

debbs77 · 27/12/2017 19:44

Like someone else says, do you ever visit her with your children, just so you can all spend time together? Or do you expect babysitting to be her time with them?

PaintingByNumbers · 27/12/2017 19:45

You will feel much better once you accept the reality of who she is, rather than trying to fit her into a 'lovely granny' type mold.
Can you do a babysitting circle with a few friends?

Brownsocksinabox · 27/12/2017 19:46

She's not responsible for looking after your children. You had them so raise them. She works full time, she deserves her weekends and to spend it how she damn well pleases.

PaintingByNumbers · 27/12/2017 19:46

I'm 45 and work ft. The idea that by 53 i'll be too knackered to do a bit of babysitting is a bit scary Shock

RaindropsAndSparkles · 27/12/2017 19:51

Painting apologies. I have a 23 and 19 year old, both on gap years, a workaholic husband, a demanding professional job (director level) and an elderly mother, and cranky bits of osteo arthritis) Honestly ad hoc babysitting would be the straw.

TDHManchester · 27/12/2017 19:52

Childcare,,one mustn't assume that parents have all the time in the world to look after grand children. Young children are often so lively and need constant entertaining. It can be very draining. Parents have less time to live and so should be able to please themselves without guilt. This doesnt mean they dont love or car for their children/grandchildren.

I sometimes babysit/child mind for friends but being honest,although the child is great fun, im glad to give him back after a couple of hours.

princesssparkle1 · 27/12/2017 19:52

I am selfish

Aint that the truth.

Your poor mother.

Ceebs85 · 27/12/2017 19:56

I wouldn't ask anyone to have my children unless it was an emergency or I had to work and knew they were free. Even then it would only be someone who had offered previously.

She's no interest in you or your children. It sucks but it seems like that's just the way it is. You need to distance yourself from her.

SummatFishyEre · 27/12/2017 19:57

You need to grow up quite honestly. Your mum doesn't owe you anything.

BackInTheRoom · 27/12/2017 19:57

@PinkTeletubby101

Let this go. You're never going to get what you so badly want, a mother that is old skool like your grandparents. You're just making yourself unhappy trying. I think it's so important to spend quality time with your DP because this will keep your relationship going but take your mum out of the equation and get babysitters, take turns with other mums.

Your mum only has enough energy for her job, her partner and her mum it seems but wishing it things were different will make you sour. You just concentrate on being a good mum to your kids 😊

babyitscoldoutsideX · 27/12/2017 20:05

To be honest you sound like you resent your mum anyway and are only wanting to use her for childcare. This is not her job and sorry she is right when she says she's done her parenting bringing you and your sister up. Me and my DP have had very very few times together outside of the house in years as I don't expect other people to be looking after my children and only ever allow people to babysit if they ask if they can have my DC for a few hours. I think you're being VU to expect her to want to spend her only days off caring for the children YOU wanted and you're trying to blame her "selfish" behaviour on any little thing you can just to make her out like the villain. Sorry but I side with your mum.