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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Found out my partner cheated

96 replies

Bub3017 · 27/12/2017 13:19

So a few weeks ago I found out that my partner of 11 years and father of my two kids cheated on me with an older woman. I've told him I'm prepared to give him a second chance but I have no one to talk about this with as my family and friend only think he was sexting and talking to this woman but I found out he spent the night with her. I'm incredibly hurt and want to move on and get over it but I'm struggling. He has let me monitor his phone and swore on our kids lives that it was only the one night and he wouldn't swear on their lives if it weren't. I feel so alone and betrayed, my head is saying I should let him go but my heart is telling me to learn to forgive him and move forward and rebuild our relationship to make it better and stronger than before and to make changes. Has anyone forgiven their partner after they cheated and made it work?

OP posts:

Indigo911 · 27/12/2017 13:23

I personally think it can’t work after there has been infidielty in a relationship as once the trust has gone it’s incredibly difficult and stressful to get it back. That being said, if you want to try forgive him then maybe you could try for a few months but if it’s too difficult or he steps a foot wrong then you should 100% leave. Has he explained why he felt the need to cheat?

CremeFresh · 27/12/2017 13:25

I'm afraid as soon as people 'swear on their children's lives' I automatically think 'liar'.

DotCottonDotCom · 27/12/2017 13:29

He can’t just change the disregard he had for you when he decided to ruin your lives.

Life after an affair can feel like an utter sentence. Can you really deal with that? It takes people roughly 2-4 years to get over an affair.

It would be extremely unwise to just carry on as if life is normal and it didn’t happen. Something in your relationship has gone wrong and it needs to change - worth couples counselling?
I tell most people though, couples counselling doesn’t work so well unless you’re big doing individual counselling too.

DotCottonDotCom · 27/12/2017 13:30

you’ve been doing

Original poster

Bub3017 · 27/12/2017 13:30

He said he got talking to her about our son and how he was struggling to deal with our son who may have autism (we are waiting to get him assessed) and that he wasn't getting his head chewed off by her as we were arguing a lot and it became a habit - she suggested meeting up and that she would pay for everything (she's 10 years older than him). He was gullable enough to believe he wouldn't get caught. This arguing was mostly down to him as he moaned a lot and it was easier for me to just ignore him, we were both stressed about finances and work and both tired when we came home.

OP posts:

Indigo911 · 27/12/2017 13:33

So if he hadn’t have been caught it would have continued? How did they get talking?
If he’s going to flirt and jump into bed with another woman during tough times in your relationship when you should be supporting each other, is he really the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? Will you not be constantly paranoid about what he’s up to? He could easily get a second phone if he wants to continue chatting to women online

Original poster

Bub3017 · 27/12/2017 13:42

I know it won't be easy and it will be hard and that I'll probably never truly trust him again but I don't want to do the whole 'what if we had tried' in the future. He claims he is truly sorry and the hardest thing was to watch me break down and cry the way I did and to see me become so venomous about the woman! We are going to go to couples counselling in the new year as I have already emailed to get something and i agree individual counselling will be needed as well. And we need to change our habits and do more together and learn to reconnect.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bub3017 · 27/12/2017 13:45

He would never swear on the kids lives if there was anything else. And if he did and I find out anything more I will make his life very difficult and he knows that!

OP posts:

Original poster

Bub3017 · 27/12/2017 13:48

He met her out one night and they exchanged numbers and started to chat. She doesn't live close by (about 300 miles away) so that's a bonus. I have access to all his accounts and I'm in charge with all the money from now on and I will be taking over the business accounts so he can't do anything without me knowing or go anywhere without me knowing.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bub3017 · 27/12/2017 13:50

His family know everything now and they want very little to do with him as they are disgusted with his actions and his best friend is finished with him as he claimed he was with him when he met her.

OP posts:

DotCottonDotCom · 27/12/2017 13:50

Having a life with a child and special needs can be very hard work, and many relationships don’t survive it. Whether or not you chose to stay with him, counselling at any level will help you both co-parent at least.

Original poster

Bub3017 · 27/12/2017 13:51

Our son is most probably at the lower end of the spectrum and is in mainstream school, has friends and is mostly ok he just has some we quirks.

OP posts:

CremeFresh · 27/12/2017 13:53

I have access to all his accounts and I'm in charge with all the money from now on and I will be taking over the business accounts so he can't do anything without me knowing or go anywhere without me knowing

Do you really want to live a life where you have to monitor everything he does ? I doubt if he will be happy in the long term with this amount of control in his life.

Indigo911 · 27/12/2017 13:55

Well if you definitely don’t want to walk away then maybe give it 6 months. If things haven’t greatly improved by then and he hasn’t gone out of his way to make things up to you then i’d Recommend calling it quits

Original poster

Bub3017 · 27/12/2017 13:58

No I don't want to live like that and I know he won't either but it won't be forever just for a while so I know that there is nothing more. That womans number has been blocked from his phone and facebook as well and I have had my say with her as she wasn't going to get let off - as she said 'it takes two' so she wasn't getting away unscathed!

OP posts:

LizzyButton · 27/12/2017 14:03

This won’t be directly analogous, but things can work out. One of my mother’s BFF’s husband went of the rails. At the time (4 years ago?) they had three children in the A-Levels through to Degree years. He denied having an affair with a co-worker. She came home from an evening event unexpectedly early to find him adjusting his clothes and the other woman out of the shower and using her hair dryer.

They separated for a while but eventually had a give it another go reconciliation. Part of the deal is that he is monitored in terms of phone tracking, bank account etc.

They do seem to have got it together to a surprising extent. I’m not really sure how and why as that is something I am not privy to. However, I bump into them together every few weeks and they seem to be genuinely at ease with each other. My mother tells me that at least two counsellors were involved.

namechangefriday · 27/12/2017 14:07

Listen, it's not the other woman you need to give what for to. No matter how much she flattered him/offered to pay for everything he was the one that chose to put his cock in her.
Blame him.
Taking control of everything doesn't fix whatever problem he had with you to cheat on you in the first place.

SandyY2K · 27/12/2017 14:08

If he's truly remorseful it can work. Reconciliation is hard work and not for everyone.

His family sound very supportive ad well.

The steps a WS must take for a reconciliation.

Not all of them are required in every situation but, you get the idea:

S/He must be totally honest with you about everything
S/He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.
S/He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with.
S/He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
S/He must feel your pain.
S/He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.
S/He must accept full responsibility for his actions.
S/He must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them.
S/He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions.

10. S/He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal. 11. S/He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you. 12. S/He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you. 13. S/He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible. 14. S/He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first. 15. S/He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected. 16. S/He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy. 17. S/He must be willing to seek counseling. 18. S/He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...he must establish boundaries and not cross them.

LemonShark · 27/12/2017 14:11

It's impossible to monitor someone closely enough that they're unable to cheat, however much you check his bank accounts or read his texts.

Am I right in thinking it was you that arranged counselling not him?

You're putting a lot of blame on this woman when she has zero commitment to you, it's all on him. He betrayed you not her.

It's only been less than a couple weeks and you've already decided to try make it work and seem to be trying a lot harder than him to fix things when it should be on him to do so. You're making this very easy for him to do this as you're so desperate to get things back to normal. Chill out a bit. You don't have to make any decisions right now. You can take your time and see how you feel as a few weeks progress. Seems he's got off very lightly given that less than a fortnight after finding out you've decided to try make it work and booked counselling. I wouldn't be surprised if this teaches him he can do it again. Did he even spend a night out of the home?

Swearing on your kids lives is literally meaningless btw. He knows that lying and saying the phrase 'on my kids lives' won't bring them harm in any way, that's superstitious nonsense. The fact he was willing and able to betray your trust after such a long time and shared family together and didn't even confess until he got caught tells you all you need to know about his level of honesty, so you'd be an idiot to think the kids lives stock phrase means anything at all.

mummmy2017 · 27/12/2017 14:17

It's if you can forgive him.
He broke your trust, now can he earn it back.

GoReylo · 27/12/2017 14:33

Forget about the other woman now. I'm sure giving out to her was satisfying in the moment, but she can't make anything up to you, she's not your partner and she didn't cheat on you. Put the blame where it belongs.

DoculamentDoculament · 27/12/2017 14:37

I'd rather end the relationship than present them with a list of 18 things they 'must' do and arrange things so they never go anywhere without me knowing.

Original poster

Bub3017 · 27/12/2017 14:40

Yes six months sounds reasonable enough to me and he has been trying to make things up to me. He faced my mum which is pretty brave as she is quite scary and overprotective of me, and she said he just broke down when he walked in and he is not a man that would not cry easily.

OP posts:

RavingRoo · 27/12/2017 14:45

This wasn’t a one night stand, it was a full blown affair. I wonder if you forgave him because it was an older rather than younger lover? Either way the next one may well be different. Once a man has an affair unless he is commited otherwise (which doesn’t seem the case here) he will cheat again. You need an exit plan

happypoobum · 27/12/2017 14:45

How did you find out? Did he tell you?

I could not forgive or forget but I am not you.

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