Found out my partner cheated

[Bub3017]

So a few weeks ago I found out that my partner of 11 years and father of my two kids cheated on me with an older woman. I've told him I'm prepared to give him a second chance but I have no one to talk about this with as my family and friend only think he was sexting and talking to this woman but I found out he spent the night with her. I'm incredibly hurt and want to move on and get over it but I'm struggling. He has let me monitor his phone and swore on our kids lives that it was only the one night and he wouldn't swear on their lives if it weren't. I feel so alone and betrayed, my head is saying I should let him go but my heart is telling me to learn to forgive him and move forward and rebuild our relationship to make it better and stronger than before and to make changes. Has anyone forgiven their partner after they cheated and made it work?

I will have a look at her ted talks to see if it helps. Told him he has two choices, he stays and we work things out by talking going to counselling and starting afresh or he leaves and we call it a day. He said about us maybe having time apart to work things out but I took that option away from him as either he's all in to try to work and rebuild our relationship or he is gone. There is no safety net for him as it won't be helpful if he leaves and thinks he can come back for me and the kids. He's either all in or gone!

I’d be a little disturbed that HE wanted time apart I’m afraid, it speaks some volumes.

To be fair if he wanted the relationship to work then the only person that NEEDS that time is you!

Sounds to me the affair might be continuing if he wants time alone.
Also swearing on children's lives is part of the cheaters script. Means nothing. Mine did the same but had been cheating for ten years.
Also him crying in front of our mum is more manipulative bullshit.
LTB

It's definitely not continuing as I've everything tracked and know where he is who he messages/calls/facebooks and where his money is going and I've terrified the bitch enough for her not to even think about contacting him again - plus he knows if I find out there is more then I'll make it incredibly difficult for him with work and the kids. I've told him that there will be no break and that if he wants to go there will be no coming back as my home and heart is not a revolving door. He claims I'm who he wants to be with and that he's scared of hurting me more but I've told him if he wants it to work he needs to face up to the pain and destruction his selfish antics have caused! If he isn't strong enough he can go as I've always told him I don't need him my life but I choose to have him in my life because I love the stupid idiot (i don't call him a stupid idiot, thats because of the affair).

Agree with @CremeFresh

About the older woman thing?

He’s “scared of hurting you more”. I mean if he wants things to work what could he do to hurt you more?
I don’t think he even trusts himself?

The first part of your previous post strikes me as serious control though. It doesn’t matter what you di

...(for cut off) do, he will find his way. He always will.

The trouble with the excessive control is you don't know he's with you and faithful out of choice (when he did have the choice he chose to fuck that up and put his dick in another woman) but because you're being militant and emotionally blackmailing him.

You can't continue to control him to the nth degree, for both of you. If you think while you aren't controlling him he's probably doing stuff then it's not a good way to live.

My god Op. would you listen to yourself. "I've terrified the bitch". That bitch that has had a tough paper round is not your problem. Your OH chose to stick his dick in a woman that is older than you, seemingly uglier than you and yet you are fighting to keep him. I would have preferred him to have fucked a younger woman that was a total babe ans then at least he would have thrown it all away for attraction. But yours did it cos any holes a goal and used your possibly autistic son as an excuse for why. You now have him under lock and key but why? he is no great treasure. He is almost certainly lying about it being a one off and now you are doing the most ridiculous "pick me dance" ever. You are worrying about being perceived as weak? yeah, I would be too because you are being judged hard and your relationship will not last this. Collect your scraps of self respect and move on from this loser.

Oh love, it’s shit isn’t it :(

I tried because I loved him. But the ‘trying’ destroyed me more than the affair.

You honestly cannot know his every communication or movement. She could easily have bought him a cheap phone & pay for the contract/pay as you go. They could easily still be meeting up.

I know you think he wouldn’t swear on the kids lives, but they do. You HAVE to understand that he’s not the man you believed him to be. Frankly, that’s the hard bit. Not where he’s otherwise had his cock, but that he’s not who you thought he was.

Mine was all before MN or I would have made different decisions. A few friends told me that as much as they loved him & believed he was sorry, that I shouldn’t give him another chance. They were right, I just didn’t want to believe that. Nor do you. I wish I could spare you the heartache, but don’t think I can as you’re rushing headfirst into ‘I CAN fix this, I CAN control this’ with that belief that your love & relationship are stronger than other people’s. It’s normal, it’s natural, it’s also self destructive.

I know couples who have stayed together after affairs (or ONS) & to the outside world they look happy and ‘over it’. I can tell you, that behind closed doors it’s a different story.

fannyfelcher The pick me dance is humiliating to even watch :(

I mean there have been thousands of threads about cheating husbands and very rarely do they come across like you. Saying you'll screw him with work and the kids. That you've made her life hell.
I'm sure lots of people harbour those thoughts but do nothing about them, but you strike me as someone deeply vindictive

I couldn't say why your husband did what he did, but I pity that he has to have someone like you as a wife.

WorriedRose. Your posts are frequently nasty. What do you get out of that?

Lots of people say that & worse on here. Lots of people say, and do, far worse IRL.

Jog on.

Yep another one who thinks him wanting time apart is worrying. He simply wouldn't want to be apart from you if he was still attached to the relationship.

My ex cheated. I will never know the whole truth but have many suspicions and unsubstantiated reports of friends/enemies who heard or witnessed various suspicious actions.

I initially wanted to believe that one woman was so determined to steal my partner from me that she put in a lot of effort to get him and take advantage of him when he slipped up when drunk and at a bad time in his life. Gullible fool me!

The other woman backed off - there were plenty of others eager to step in - I suspect they were fooled just as much as I was by him.

Actually they are not. They are hugely supportive of people who aren't vindictive and nasty themselves. If you've read all of my posts. Of which there are many.

@WorriedRose I'm angry, hurt and emotional. It's only been a few weeks so it's still very raw to me. It may be that it's easier for me to lay more of the blame on her because she paid for the room and the food etc.. but I'm allowed to handle my grief in my own way and to vent if I need too. I spent 11 years of my life with him and had two kids so it's not a case of 'pick me, pick me' simply that I don't want to give up straight away without trying to rebuild our relationship. I'll never know the full story but judging by his phone records and his facebook activity it wasn't all that long (not that I'm taking away from the severity of the situation). I'm a strong woman and always had to fight hard in life so will fight for my relationship. It won't ever be the same again but it doesn't mean that things cannot work. If we don't try we will never know. We've our first counselling session next week so baby steps and one day at a time etc. And I'm prepared for it not working as well.

Bub3017 you need to do what you think best. It's easy for others to judge. If you don't try you might always wonder what would have happened. It is truly shit what he has done but you can only try. And your eyes are open and you know it might not work. Good luck X

Everyone is different and there must be some women that heal and stay with their partner after an affair but i’m afraid i’m not one of them as the entire foundation of the relationship- trust - has been violated and I truly don’t know how you ever rebuild that

I'm taking it one day at a time and we are talking every night (work and kids during the day). It won't be easy and it won't be an overnight fix as it is going to take time, lot's of talking and listening from us both and forgiveness. It may not work and I'm prepared for that as is he but it might work out and we might move on from this and become stronger and better versions of who we where. I'm not delusional that it can fixed quickly or that it will work but we will never know until we try.