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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found out my partner cheated

96 replies

Bub3017 · 27/12/2017 13:19

So a few weeks ago I found out that my partner of 11 years and father of my two kids cheated on me with an older woman. I've told him I'm prepared to give him a second chance but I have no one to talk about this with as my family and friend only think he was sexting and talking to this woman but I found out he spent the night with her. I'm incredibly hurt and want to move on and get over it but I'm struggling. He has let me monitor his phone and swore on our kids lives that it was only the one night and he wouldn't swear on their lives if it weren't. I feel so alone and betrayed, my head is saying I should let him go but my heart is telling me to learn to forgive him and move forward and rebuild our relationship to make it better and stronger than before and to make changes. Has anyone forgiven their partner after they cheated and made it work?

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 27/12/2017 21:21

To be very honest, if he was unhappy enough in your relationship to have an affair, the way you are behaving now means he will be even more unhappy. You've humiliated him in front of your family, his best friend and your shared son. You may be hurting but punishing and humiliating him will do even more damage to what relationship you have left. And think about the impact on your DC. Maybe it makes you feel better short term but sharing everything with the world is not going to do your relationship any favours long term.

Original poster
Bub3017 · 27/12/2017 21:23

It's hard to move on after more than 10 years and two kids. And yes her age is important as I can't fathom why he went for an older woman who has had a rough paper round! Had it been someone younger and pretty at least I could assume it was attraction that swayed him.

OP posts:
SilverySurfer · 27/12/2017 21:32

You seem determined to denigrate and blame the OW but she's not the person with whom you shared wedding vows, nor have lived with for the past eleven years, nor with whom you had children.

You seem a bit obsessed with the fact that she's older but it's irrelevant as she's obviously not too old or your husband wouldn't have had sex with her. Yes, of course she has behaved badly but nothing like as badly as him. You are focusing your anger on the wrong person, not that you want to hear that right now.

I don't know how you continue to live with a man you can never trust again and wouldn't personally.

I wish you the best of luck.

BIWI · 27/12/2017 21:33

... and still the insults about an older woman

BIWI · 27/12/2017 21:34

For the sake of clarification - I don't condone anyone having an affair with your husband.

HeavenlyEyes · 27/12/2017 21:38

You need to read Chump Lady and also read about the Sunk Costs Fallacy. Your writing reads just like denial tbh. Sorry.

GertieMotherwell · 27/12/2017 21:39

I don't know how you continue to live with a man you can never trust again and wouldn't personally

Who says she can’t trust again?
Trust can be rebuilt

GertieMotherwell · 27/12/2017 21:42

Save Chump Lady for when you’ve given up Bub.

Sunk Costs Fallacy is good advice but don’t lose sight of what you want for the future.

CremeFresh · 27/12/2017 21:44

Perhaps the older woman has many great qualities - kind, funny, attentive, intelligent, good listener, good in bed ? But she's older so maybe not Hmm

Josuk · 27/12/2017 21:50

OP - people have affairs and are attracted to others for many reasons.
The simplest form that you seem to be fixated on - ‘partner meets a younger and more attractive female’ - is not always the case.

What was missing in his life; what made him seek her out and be responsive to the communication they were having - is exactly what he needs to expire in the counselling. And understanding that might help you too.

So - stop wondering about her looks, really it won’t get you anywhere.
If you want to try to salvage the relationship - it’s the relationship that needs to be fixed.

I think.

SomeonesRealName · 27/12/2017 21:50

Go to Chumplady www.chumplady.com OP. You don’t have to follow the advice on there but you can consider it for nothing - it might help you avoid a lot of heartache.

SilverySurfer · 27/12/2017 21:59

GertieMotherwell
Who says she can’t trust again?
Trust can be rebuilt

I wonder in what percentage of relationships ripped apart by an affair is trust ever truly restored? No-one really knows but my guess is it's a low number.

It also doesn’t follow that if they cheat once they will do it again.

Maybe not, but I could find you numerous threads on here where a cheating partner has been forgiven only to cheat again, devastating their partner all over again. I think it unlikely you could find anything near the same number of threads where they went on to live happily ever after.

GertieMotherwell · 27/12/2017 22:25

The sad thing is that once you have been cheated on it’s hard to trust anyone again. It impacts on your life as other life experiences do. I would say that I now trust my DH as much as I would trust anyone and question whether 100% trust is waist anyway.

I suspect posyets who have successfully reconciled are less likely to post than those whose partners cheat again.

GertieMotherwell · 27/12/2017 22:26

Waist = wise

FrancesDestroyed · 27/12/2017 22:40

Have a look at the thread about getting over an affair.
My H had an affair with a woman half his age.
She's much shorter than I am, has large front teeth and a huge broken nose .
She is nothing to do with me.
I've had breast cancer and a mastectomy. At her age my boobs were feeding his baby, not having some bloke twice my age groping them and then texting him graphically describing what he's done.
Y'know, none of that is anything to do with me.
It is very hard to get over an affair. I'm only 9 months in to the tortuous journey.
The problem is his and hers, not yours. The fact that you still want to love him says so much about you.
Be proud of who you are.....if he's lucky, he might get to keep you. Flowers

yetmorecrap · 27/12/2017 22:47

I do think Gertie it is perfectly possible to build trust again with some partners, the problem I feel for some (including me) is that even if you think something is very unlikely to happen again and was a bit of a one off and you actually do trust them again, it's the fact that it happened at all and you were lied to and gas lighted , often for considerable periods. Some people can get past that , some think they can and really do try to make it work but it never really feels the same again, and some know instantly that it's a deal breaker .

GertieMotherwell · 27/12/2017 22:55

Absolutely yetmorecrap I totally agree.
The important thing is that the OP makes that decision herself .

BrokenHollandaise · 27/12/2017 23:32

My ex husband had numerous emotional affairs and I kept forgiving. I had access to everything of his but he just got cleverer at hiding it. He says he never slept with anyone else but I still don't believe that. (Found a message to a friend saying he was addicted to sex with other people but loved me)

Everytime we argued I brought it up. Everytime we were apart I was wondering what he was doing.
Everytime he was on his phone I wondered what he was doing.

Breaking up with him and getting with DP was the best thing that ever happened.

Don't be that person that I was.

pinkbraces · 27/12/2017 23:36

He cheated on you, of course he will swear on your DC lives if it makes him believable.

BruelTr · 28/12/2017 00:09

He is the one who betrayed you, not her. It's easier to blame her because you have a life with him, a family with him and are emotionally attached to him and she's nothing to you except the woman who slept with your husband. She's irrelevant, stop wasting your energy on her, if it wasn't her it would have been someone else.

There's no hope unless he takes full responsibility, no excuses and wants to be loyal, faithful and trustworthy to you. If there's any chance for that you need to keep other people out of your relationship (stop trying to ruin his life by demonising him to everybody he knows, it makes you as bad as him) and rebuild your relationship as a team.

That means figuring out why he had an affair, listening to each other, having each others back and falling back in love again.

He has to be honest with you and you have to be able to trust he's being honest with you. Otherwise what's the point?

RebeccaBunch · 28/12/2017 09:50

Years in MN have shown me very clearly that men swear on their children's lives all the time and they are lying.

They do it because they think it will make them believable.

Original poster
Bub3017 · 28/12/2017 10:19

He has done everything I've asked of him so far and has been trying to make an effort. I don't know if we will get over this or if I will, but I need to give it a go so I don't look back in 10 years thinking if only I'd tried. It's only been a couple of weeks from I found out and judging by his phone records it hadn't been going on for to long. I'm not being deluded and know that he had been deceitful and can do so again but I don't want to throw away 11 years. My head is all over the place at the minute. I'm feeling vulnerable and incredibly insecure and alone as I have no one to talk too about everything.

OP posts:
Indigo911 · 28/12/2017 10:23

Maybe just start to mentally prepare yourself for the fact it might not work out, so if that does happen it won’t completely destroy you. I hope it does work out though and you can both manage to sort it all out

Original poster
Bub3017 · 28/12/2017 13:24

Thank you, I am preparing myself for it not working out and formulating a plan. Financially I will be okay and I have a great support network around me. It will take time and to be reevaluated every month or two to see where we are going.

OP posts:
Josuk · 28/12/2017 22:08

OP - i hope it works out for you. And many people do get over affairs.
It’s early days.

There is this Belgian therapist that works with couples who’s gone through affairs - Esthel Perel. She’s done a few TED talks about affairs.
And recently wrote a new book ‘The state of affairs’.
I don’t know if that is helpful - but sometimes trying to understand something and look at it from different points of view is helpful.