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Original poster

Found out my partner cheated

96 replies

Bub3017 · 27/12/2017 13:19

So a few weeks ago I found out that my partner of 11 years and father of my two kids cheated on me with an older woman. I've told him I'm prepared to give him a second chance but I have no one to talk about this with as my family and friend only think he was sexting and talking to this woman but I found out he spent the night with her. I'm incredibly hurt and want to move on and get over it but I'm struggling. He has let me monitor his phone and swore on our kids lives that it was only the one night and he wouldn't swear on their lives if it weren't. I feel so alone and betrayed, my head is saying I should let him go but my heart is telling me to learn to forgive him and move forward and rebuild our relationship to make it better and stronger than before and to make changes. Has anyone forgiven their partner after they cheated and made it work?

OP posts:
yetmorecrap · 27/12/2017 15:46

I think it’s important that he tells you how sorry he is and for him to totally understand the hurt without it only being said when the situation is brought up by you, he needs to say things from the heart off his own back, so far my DH has failed miserably on that front. We are in serious rug sweeping territory because he feels so embarrassed and as he said during a ‘discussion’ (Initiated by me) ‘small’

GertieMotherwell · 27/12/2017 16:02

There is lots of stuff spouted on here from people who have either not been in your situation so can only say what they think they would do, or people who have tried and failed to reconcile.
There are others, like me, who have managed to get through this.

It is possible

happypoobum · 27/12/2017 16:07

Gertie I have been in OPs situation. Pre mobile phones I found love letters in DH briefcase from his lover. It all fell into place with other things that had been going on.

As I have mentioned many times before on MN, I never told him I knew. I just got all my ducks in a row quietly and about three weeks later I told him I just didn't fancy him any more and was leaving him. He his huge ego was devastated.

I just believe that when the trust is gone in a relationship, it's over.

GertieMotherwell · 27/12/2017 16:19

To me though happypoobum, for you to act in that way tells me that there wasn’t much of a relationship to save.

happypoobum · 27/12/2017 16:22

No Gertie - because he had cheated, so that destroyed the relationship. There was nothing to save as far as I was concerned. His selfish actions destroyed it all.

GrapesAreMyJam · 27/12/2017 16:31

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
Bub3017 · 27/12/2017 17:13

I had a sneaking suspision that something was not right and he was very protectful of his phone which was unlike him so I checked his facebook and found a messave from her! Yes it did give me satisfaction to give out to her and made me feel better knowing that she realised how she'd ruin mine and my children's lives. He knows what he has done and has seen the devastation his actions have caused. I have not let him off lightly in the slightest as he is watching me fall apart everyday. His family are disgusted by him and he's lost his best mate from school because I made sure they knew what he had done. He is answering everything that I ask him no matter how hard it may be. He is trying I think and has told me he wants to make me and the kids his priority and will never do this again as our son heard some of our rows and knows what his daddy did and seeing the devastation in his eyes made him realise just how selfish and thoughtless he had been. I organised the counselling as he aaked me too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bub3017 · 27/12/2017 17:22

I know it can work if we both want it to as my parents went through something similar and they're still together. It is actually harder that it was with an older woman as she didn't look good for her age and basically treated him like a male escort or charity case in my eyes by paying for it all, if it were someone younger I think it would've been easier to understand as it wpuld have been flattering for him! She was old enough to know better and shouldn't have encouraged him to meet her. Yes he went and decided to sleep with her and he is being punished for it!

OP posts:
Worriedrose · 27/12/2017 19:51

Why the fuck are you blaming her and commenting on how she used her Wiley ways with your DH
Jesus Christ
Blame her. It'll make it 100% easier for you
Then your DH is just the poor man who accidentally got sirened

Worriedrose · 27/12/2017 19:52

Old enough to know better! Ffs
Get some self respect

MsGameandWatching · 27/12/2017 19:54

I forgave and he cheated again and again. I'd never stay if it happened again in another relationship.

CremeFresh · 27/12/2017 20:13

I hope things do work out for you , I really do . But , there is something about your posts that make me think he will do this again, I can't put my finger on it but you sound like his mother and he's just been a naughty boy .

BackInTheRoom · 27/12/2017 20:16

Stop blaming the OW. Your contact is with your DH.

Backtoblack1 · 27/12/2017 20:17

My friend sounded like you this time last year. Turns out her husband never gave the OW up but told his wife to arrange counselling, cried in front of their parents and friends. He was bluffing. She found out xmas eve he has been practically living together with ow. I’m sorry but you are believing what you want to.

PookieNoodlin · 27/12/2017 20:19

basically treated him like a male escort or charity case in my eyes by paying for it all

Did she actually pay him to sleep with her? 😮

GertieMotherwell · 27/12/2017 20:31

You have every right to hate the OW and she is as much to blame.

It also doesn’t follow that if they cheat once they will do it again.

Original poster
Bub3017 · 27/12/2017 20:32

Definitely not he's a lying cheating scumbag who has hurt me beyond belief but he is someone I have had two kids with and gave many years of my life too and just don't want to give up without a fight... she knew he had a family so is just as bad in my eyes! I am so conflicted with everything and I just don't know what is the right thing to do because I want to give him another chance but I'm scared that I'll be perceived as weak by doing so.

OP posts:
Backtoblack1 · 27/12/2017 20:45

Good luck to
You but I think he will do
It again (if he isnt already doing it)

GertieMotherwell · 27/12/2017 20:49

How can you say that just based on this thread Backtoblack1 ?

This is someone’s life you’re making sweeping assumptions about.

Worriedrose · 27/12/2017 20:50

What are you actually fighting for.
Blaming her in the main, not forgiving him obviously
I would imagine he's spun her a very different line,
As for why she's done this...that's for her conscience
But you need to understand that women in the main are not sirens, they have their own complex reasons for being in this type of situation.
And probably, much like you, she wanted to believe something that wasn't true.
Perhaps you can move on from this, but don't be disillusioned
It's so simple and easy to blame someone else.

BIWI · 27/12/2017 20:52

You keep saying 'older woman'. I think you just mean 'other woman'.

Original poster
Bub3017 · 27/12/2017 21:04

No I mean older woman she was 10 years older than him and there is no more contact between them!

OP posts:
llangennith · 27/12/2017 21:06

He’s lying. Move on.

BIWI · 27/12/2017 21:07

And her age has no relevance. The significant factor her is that she is the other woman.

Josuk · 27/12/2017 21:12

OP - the woman’s age is not relevant at all. Or that she ‘doesn’t look good for her age’. Just like the fact that she paid for the hotel room.
(And if she were younger and prettier then you - that wouldn’t in any way been easier to get over)

At this point it hurts. And it will hurt for a long time.
Some people manage to move on and fix the relationship. It takes time and effort, in both sides.

Good luck

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