Boss’s opinion- trigger warning

[RelapsedChocoholic]

Hi

Not posted before but hoping someone can help me with the logistics of this (and tell me I’m not over reacting...)

I started a new job at the beginning of sept, probation runs till Feb (6months). I am the only woman in a dept of 30+

After a Christmas event, in a random discussion, my line manager told me he believes there is a sliding scale of rape, and essentially rape by someone you know is ‘better’ than someone you don’t. (At the risk of being outed he likened it to a sliding scale of assault: rape by someone you know = a slap, rape by someone you don’t know = being stabbed)

I find this massively offensive, and argued with him before eventually just leaving the event.
I have not seen him since and am dreading returning to work in January.
A (male) colleague who overheard the converstation asked me the day after if I would like to talk about it, I declined.

I absolutely cannot work for this person, and am looking to leave - but it will damage my cv, having only been there a short amount of time, and frustrates me that someone actually thinks like this in this day and age
(Another of my male colleagues said to me before this that I must think the Harvey Weinstein case has changed things, I said I’ll wait to see but I doubt it... and feel like it’s just been proved that nothing ever changes)

Sorry this is a rant now, but am so fed up of the misogynistic rubbish we have to deal with every day...

Im not over reacting am I? I can’t work for this man, who thinks I should feel lucky if a colleague rapes me over a stranger can I?!
How do I explain leaving after such a short time, and how do I manage to work for this man until I find a new job (and potentially have to pass probation??!)

People leave jobs all the time. You can just say it didn't work out.

He sounds like a horrible idiot. I wouldn't want to work for him either.
Any chance you can do the same job under a different manager?

I'd consider seeing HR and reporting it.

I know real life doesn't work like this, but if I were interviewing someone, asked why they left their current job so quickly and got this answer, I'd hire you on the spot.

Thanks SandyY2K & PoorYorick - it’s reassuring to know I’m not being unreasonable!
Based on my past experiences with HR I’m not convinced they could it would do anything- besides all I would want is for him to say he has changed his mind and reality s d how completely wrong he is, which is highly unlikely (and beyond the remit of HR I guess!)

I don’t know if telling the truth about why I’m leaving to future employers would be a good idea or mark me out as a trouble maker/ complainer etc

Sorry for typos, on mobile:
*could or would do anything
*and realise how completely wrong

It hasn’t occurred to me to hope to find the same moral beliefs I hold in a boss I work for. What you can do about it depends on how easily you can walk into a new job.

Thanks for your comment iggi999- I hadn’t considered it in that way, however I don’t think it is me requiring him to have the same moral code as me
I could work with him if he didn’t agree with sex outside of marriage, or with drinking alcohol for example but he is making a judgment based on something beyond someone’s control (a person does not choose their rapist).
I think I am expecting to share a common sense of accountability- a person who commits rape is a criminal, there is no sliding scale under which one rapist is less guilty than another.

How do you work with people who’s morals you find to be at odds with your own?

OP - I get where you come from and share your 😳. But I don’t think running is the answer.

Your line manager must have a boss. And i’d ask to speak to him and talk to him about transferring to another position.
Surely - there are other line managers around.

And i’d be honest, but not put it the way you did.
The issues is not that person’s beliefs - this is a free society and one can chose to believe in things we disagree with.
The issue is that a person in a position of authority - can not make statements that would make his subordinates feel uncomfortable.
Which is exactly what he did - essentially he told you that if he raped you it’s not a big deal. Which is bordering on harassment (at least for me)

I have a feeling, that given the current environment with harassment being on everyone’s mind, as well as the fact that you are the only female in that dept - I bet you the boss won’t be able to just ignore it.

What do you have to lose? You seem to have strong convictions and the society won’t change unless people speak up and just leave to avoid raising the issues that are important to them.

Good luck. Don’t let him win and make you run away, potentially damaging your career.

Thanks Josuk, I would like to complain but am torn as to what the impact to me will be (references etc- I appreciate that’s a selfish way of looking at this, if I had another job lined up I wouldn’t be hesitating so much which is doubly bad of me) and also what the result will be (will anything constructive actually occur?) There is no other role in the department I could realistically move to, my role is specialised.

Sorry maybe83, I’m not clear in what advice you’re offering given that the conversation has already taken place?

What context was the Christmas event you mentioned - work or party?

I think the advice is obvious - keep your professional life professional. I would never have a deep ethical moral discussion with colleagues. They are entitle to think differently to me. It doesn't affect ou ability to do our jobs.

I have feminist, left-wing and religious views that I would be very surprised to find shared by employers. As long as their views don’t move into acts of discrimination I let them get on with it.

Why do you have to leave? Report the fuckwit to HR and get him sacked. Businesses cannot afford to employ arseholes like this - they are a liability.

PeasantCatLady- department Christmas meal, in work hours, organised by team but paid for by company

TheLuminaries- as per my previous response- the conversation has happened. My question is how I work with somebody whose views are abhorrent to me whilst I find altenative employment. They are entitled to think differently to me, and I am entitled to not want to work with them.
(I also did not ask his views, they were offered during an escalating conversation begun from a joke about how men should have no opinion when it comes to women’s eating during pregnancy)

I have also just realised he told me earlier in the day that HR had been chasing him re my probation, I said at the time I thought that was odd as it isn’t due for another two months. I hope the two conversations are unrelated but it is slightly concerning that they both happened n the same day (but I might just be over thinking things now)

FanSpmTastic- I gues because I don’t believe he would be sacked for this, and the don’t want to work with him any longer

Of course he wouldn't be sacked. You don't lose your job over opinions, if you are capable of doing the role you are being paid for you should be able to think what the fuck you like.

I don't think anything up will come of you reporting him and I am not sure that having a caveman opinion is actually something that he can be disciplined for.

Even though it isn't fair, I would be careful here because making too much of a fuss could mean that you are dismissed and you would have no comeback as you do not have two years service.

Could you just forget about it while you are looking for a new job and look forward to leaving?

Do people really think that this man is going to be sacked for what he said?

By reporting him when there is no proof of what was said and making a big deal out of it, the OP herself is more likely to be sacked.

She wouldn't eve be able to go to an ET about the unfair dismissal as she does not have two years service.

In situations like this, there is what should happen morally and what actually happens in real life.

This is sexual harassment IMO.

I think you should report it as such to HR.

Persian - she doesn’t need two years service re sexual harassment as sex is a protected characteristic.

He offered unsolicited comments re rape which most women would reasonably feel very threatened by.

A work party such as the op describes is considered work not social.

You are overreacting. Quite frankly this is just unprofessional and childish. Obviously what he said is absolutely vile but many people say or believe vile things (or things that you may think are vile but aren't actually that bad:see both sides of Brexit).

In the real world you have to accept that people have strong beliefs, wrong beliefs and conroversial beliefs. As an adult, whileypu have every right and reason to debate, discuss and dissent to beliefs that you consider wrong (as you have-well done for saying something) what you must also recognise is that everyone is entitled to believe whatever they want. Provided that their beliefs do not affect their ability/behaviour you are unreasonable to allow their beliefs to taint your professional (not personal) relationship or your judgment of them as a professional. To allow you knowledge of their beliefs to have such an affect is called prejudice. His beliefs in no way affects his ability to perform his work as your manager. He has not threatened you, he has not bullied you, he has merely offended you.

You have absolutely no reason to quit besides your (justified) personal dislike for your boss. That's not really a reason to quit unless you are a spoilt brat. Be reasonable and keep your personal feelings separate to your professional life.

Thanks PersianCatLady, that’s my expectation. I’m just hoping to find advice on how to work with him until I can leave.
I don’t know how I will be able to avoid talking to him about non-work related topics without creating an atmosphere (and so a potential issue for my probation review)- as has been my experience in all offices, there are regularly general chats about life outside of work. It will be noticeable if I suddenly stop joining in these conversations, but I don’t want to speak to this person.

Iggi999 - I am genuinely curious, how do you work with people who you know hold opposing views to your own (and that you find offensive?) It may get seem stupid to you but it am struggling with this idea, I have never dealt with someone so blatantly and aggressively sharing their views as this was.

Offered
But this isn't sexual harassment as described in the OP.