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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boss’s opinion- trigger warning

94 replies

RelapsedChocoholic · 24/12/2017 19:37

Hi

Not posted before but hoping someone can help me with the logistics of this (and tell me I’m not over reacting...)

I started a new job at the beginning of sept, probation runs till Feb (6months). I am the only woman in a dept of 30+

After a Christmas event, in a random discussion, my line manager told me he believes there is a sliding scale of rape, and essentially rape by someone you know is ‘better’ than someone you don’t. (At the risk of being outed he likened it to a sliding scale of assault: rape by someone you know = a slap, rape by someone you don’t know = being stabbed)

I find this massively offensive, and argued with him before eventually just leaving the event.
I have not seen him since and am dreading returning to work in January.
A (male) colleague who overheard the converstation asked me the day after if I would like to talk about it, I declined.

I absolutely cannot work for this person, and am looking to leave - but it will damage my cv, having only been there a short amount of time, and frustrates me that someone actually thinks like this in this day and age
(Another of my male colleagues said to me before this that I must think the Harvey Weinstein case has changed things, I said I’ll wait to see but I doubt it... and feel like it’s just been proved that nothing ever changes)

Sorry this is a rant now, but am so fed up of the misogynistic rubbish we have to deal with every day...

Im not over reacting am I? I can’t work for this man, who thinks I should feel lucky if a colleague rapes me over a stranger can I?!
How do I explain leaving after such a short time, and how do I manage to work for this man until I find a new job (and potentially have to pass probation??!)

OP posts:
tccat · 25/12/2017 07:41

I feel ashamed to be a woman sometimes when I hear such utter rubbish as some of the comments on here
Yes he's an arse but to extrapolate that the op should be in fear that he's going to rape or abuse is beggars belief!!
As someone pointed out there is a legal sliding scale of rape but I notice that is being conveniently ignored
Also viva pointed out as someone who actually has been raped by someone she knows that she feels it would have worse had it been a stranger , but this will get ignored too as it doesn't fit the man hating narrative on here
I also agree that being raped by a stranger would be worse than being raped by someone I know and I don't give a flying fuck what anyone thinks of that
I'm actually beginning to feel sorry for men when utter hysterical crap like some of the posts here are touted as fact

Mustang27 · 25/12/2017 07:53

I'd have been livid and ask how he could have come up with such a ridiculous scale? As in how many times has he been raped so he could actually fucking gauge severity, twat!!!

I really feel for you but unfortunately idiots exist everywhere and I'd need to think quite hard before leaving as it's more important that I was earning. If you have to go back for sometime just don't engage in small talk and only do what is within your contract when it comes so spending time with this man. Social events are nice so you can gel with colleagues but not a necessity.

Good luck getting a new job.

DoculamentDoculament · 25/12/2017 08:10

The law does assess severity of rape though.

Oblomov17 · 25/12/2017 08:34

I agree with him. Rape is awful. None of us are disputing that. But certain aspects could make it worse than others. Doesn't the law agree.

I can't believe you were having such a conversation at work. I wouldn't have such a conversation with a work colleague.

Not sackable. I think you should consider how you report this.

PrincessoftheSea · 25/12/2017 08:41

Agree with those who say you should not have the type of discussions with colleaugues. I think the main only your boss is guilty of here is being extremely unprofessional.

I am afraid I also agree with him that being raped by a stranger would be worse for me, but its not a discussion I would ever have in RL

Cleavergreene · 25/12/2017 08:42

The law does assess severity of rape though. Dont let the truth get in the way of feeling "offended". It was a crass and unthughtful comment , but don’t be a snowflake.

I’m offended by abject poverty, famine, brutal regimes. Some arse expressing a crass comment is just that. Toughen up princess.

Chunkymonkey123 · 25/12/2017 09:26

Your boss expressed an opinion that many other people hold (I teach law and hear opinions like this all the time) and you want to quit your job/report him to HR?!

I don’t understand this at all. As many people have pointed out there is a sliding scale of rape in the exact same way that there is a sliding scale for murder. Yes the end result is the same but the level of violence, length of assault etc can vary dramatically.

Rape in any way is wrong, but I don’t get from your OP that he was saying rape by a person you know is not a big deal, just not as horrific as being raped by a stranger, presumably in a public place as most rape dates happen at home.

Oblomov17 · 25/12/2017 09:38

Talk about to total over-reaction. We all could work with people who have opposite views to us on ...... politics, Brexit, gay marriage..... anything. And? Hmm

Angelf1sh · 25/12/2017 09:39

I haven’t RTFT but op you should report this to HR. It was at a work event and was a form or sexual harassment. He might be disciplined for this and you might not have to move jobs at all. It was a disgraceful thing to say.

Offred · 25/12/2017 10:04

No, those are not factors which are considered in sentencing. Please read the sentencing guidelines.

DoculamentDoculament · 25/12/2017 10:08

What factors aren't considered?

Offred · 25/12/2017 10:10

Whether the perpetrator is a stranger or known to the victim.

DoculamentDoculament · 25/12/2017 10:13

Oh, that's true, I thought you meant something else.

JohnHunter · 25/12/2017 10:14

Oh for goodness sake. He is entitled to his opinion. You are entitled to disagree and even to think that he is an idiot for holding it. This was never really an appropriate topic of conversation for a work environment. Do you really think that you cannot work for this person now? I'd be surprised if the organisation thought this was a disciplinary matter for your colleague.

Offred · 25/12/2017 10:16

No, just the people repeatedly saying the sentencing takes into account whether the perpetrator is a stranger/known to the victim.

The sentence takes into account; harm, culpability and aggravating and mitigating factors. If you read the guidelines.

Iggi999 · 25/12/2017 10:36

I thought OP was overreacting last night however I do notice from the OP that she works in an (apart from herself) exclusively male environment. Why a boss with only one female on staff thought a discussion on rape was advisable is anyone’s guess.

Hopeful103 · 25/12/2017 10:44

I think you are over reacting and being really dramatic. Yes what he said is horrible, what do you want to get out of It? If you think he shoulf be accountable in some way then I think you are just going to go nowhere.

Leave if you want to leave. Hr probably won't do anything. Up to you.

Thinkingofausername1 · 25/12/2017 10:48

You need to speak up - is it a large company with HR dept? This is totally inappropriate conversation to have and I wouldn't feel safe alone with him in future - good luck.

JohnHunter · 25/12/2017 10:53

I wouldn't feel safe alone with him in future

Really??

tccat · 25/12/2017 11:32

Utterly hysterical to say you wouldn't feel safe with him, what a massive overreaction , if I was a man I wouldn't feel safe with you due to your ridiculous views, I'd be far too worried about what crap you'd accuse me of

Original poster
RelapsedChocoholic · 25/12/2017 11:36

Thank you sandyy2k, that’s reassuring to know
Vivalabeaver- thank you for sharing your experience, I’m sorry that happened to you. My boss was stating that rape by someone known to you is akin to a slap, whereas rape by a stranger is equivalent to being stabbed. My opinion is that you you can’t generalise in that way-
Mustang27 and all others who have read my posts and offered the advise I asked for! - whether you agreed with my reaction or not- thank you
Offred - thank you for your information regarding sentencing, and your support.

JohnHunter- as ive said- no, I categorically cannot, and will not, work for this person. That was not my question.
As it is his right to have an opinion, it is my right to choose not to work for someone who not only holds an opinion I find entirely wrong but who expressed it in such an aggressive way.

Cleavergreene- who pissed on your sprouts princess?

OP posts:
Offred · 25/12/2017 11:38

It is not ridiculous or hysterical to feel unsafe being the only female in the whole office and to have a boss who has this view and shares it with you unsolicited at work.

If there are some of you who would be fine with this whole thing then that’s up to you.

The OP is not fine with it. Some other people have said they would not feel safe working in that environment, not the op BTW, the fact you wouldn’t feel that way has no bearing on whether others may feel that way or whether it is a legitimate way to feel.

I feel that rather than leave the job without saying anything the op would be best to notify HR about it.

Offred · 25/12/2017 11:40

If you want to leave now relapsed please make sure you let HR know why. Don’t just slink off having said nothing.

Cleavergreene · 25/12/2017 15:56

Cleavergreene- who pissed on your sprouts princess? Ha!:)

I’m not the one being a snowflake, sweetheart:)

I’m sorry I didn’t take the hysterical POV you obviously felt worthy of this outrage. Anyway, good luck with finding a new job. No doubt your outrage will require you to resign on your first day back at work.

abilockhart · 25/12/2017 16:15

RelapsedChocoholic
Cleavergreene- who pissed on your sprouts princess?

On reading the initial post, I decided to keep an open mind on whether the OP was indeed overreacting. Context was everything

On reading the above, it would appear the OP has a propensity to act like a teenager and overreact to everyone who expresses a contrary opinion to herself.