Boss’s opinion- trigger warning

[RelapsedChocoholic]

Hi

Not posted before but hoping someone can help me with the logistics of this (and tell me I’m not over reacting...)

I started a new job at the beginning of sept, probation runs till Feb (6months). I am the only woman in a dept of 30+

After a Christmas event, in a random discussion, my line manager told me he believes there is a sliding scale of rape, and essentially rape by someone you know is ‘better’ than someone you don’t. (At the risk of being outed he likened it to a sliding scale of assault: rape by someone you know = a slap, rape by someone you don’t know = being stabbed)

I find this massively offensive, and argued with him before eventually just leaving the event.
I have not seen him since and am dreading returning to work in January.
A (male) colleague who overheard the converstation asked me the day after if I would like to talk about it, I declined.

I absolutely cannot work for this person, and am looking to leave - but it will damage my cv, having only been there a short amount of time, and frustrates me that someone actually thinks like this in this day and age
(Another of my male colleagues said to me before this that I must think the Harvey Weinstein case has changed things, I said I’ll wait to see but I doubt it... and feel like it’s just been proved that nothing ever changes)

Sorry this is a rant now, but am so fed up of the misogynistic rubbish we have to deal with every day...

Im not over reacting am I? I can’t work for this man, who thinks I should feel lucky if a colleague rapes me over a stranger can I?!
How do I explain leaving after such a short time, and how do I manage to work for this man until I find a new job (and potentially have to pass probation??!)

👍🏻

Merry Christmas one and all... 🙄

In my line of work, if I took offence to my bosses or co-workers opinions along these lines and wanted to leave as a result, I would ever be in work. I work with people who are very free in voicing their sometimes pretty horrific opinions but I could not give a tinkers rap. I go there, I earn money, I come home and don't give it a second thought. Some of them are marvellous and some of them should be in jail but it's like water off a ducks back with me. I think I agree with cleaver It's just work and it needs to be separated in your head as such.

AbiLockhart- I have responded with thanks to anyone who has expressed a constructive opinion, whether it matches my own or not. Cleavergreen chose not to offer any advice, rather to insult me by calling me both a snowflake and a princess. I respond in kind to name calling.

The squash hat- thank you for your comments, could you please advise on how you suggest I do this?

Why on earth do we still have people asserting that women have to stay silent on these things in 2017?

The person/people who is/are in the wrong in situations such as this is/are the one(s) being unprofessional and misogynistic surely?

If you make unprofessional and misogynistic comments at work you should expect to be pulled up on it. If you don’t want to be pulled up on it, don’t say those things at work, you can say them all you like in your home life, it isn’t acceptable in a work context.

Why on earth do we still have people asserting that women have to stay silent on these things in 2017?

Because some things will never change, and empowering women to speak out about rape and sexual assault is one of them. Too frightening and threatening for too many people, men and women alike.

Isn't it incredible that 'feminism' is the only F word that still has the power to shock, offend and cause people to distance themselves hastily?

I also agree that being raped by a stranger would be worse than being raped by someone I know and I don't give a flying fuck what anyone thinks of that

Very strange way to express a view about rape.

The impact of rape, however it happens, will be different for different people. I see no value in crass evaluations/hierarchy of crime. And even those with experience, no matter how valid their personal feelings, are no better able to say how another woman feels.

The law is perhaps a poor means by which to understand the impact of sexual violence.

What none of these people will admit is that the reason everyone's so keen to focus on 'stranger rape' is that it almost never happens, statistically. Therefore it's fine to revile it, because it doesn't actually affect many women at all and exposition against it doesn't really significantly empower or validate raped women as a group.

In fact, stranger rape can even be used as leverage to pressure victims who know their attackers (which is almost all of them) into believing what happened to them was 'not that bad' or even not rape at all.

It's rather handy.

Yes PoorYorick. I despair of things changing.
And when people don't give a "flying fuck" there's barely any point in even engaging.

He obviously has terrible judgement for indulging his philosophical digressions at work (particularly as a manager), but I'd assume that most people I work with have ethical views that don't align with mine.

I've literally just left a job I'd been in for 3.5 months. When asked at interview why I'd left, I gave my very valid reasons and everyone that interviewed me congratulated me on my decisions.

I was offered four positions, this won't damage your CV.

People are different. While one interviewer might admire someone bringing their ideological views to the workplace (assuming they're perfectly aligned, of course), others will see trouble ahead.

Hi OP. As to how you do it. Become numb to it that is. Mmmm...that's a very good question. I saw your post yesterday and have thought about this. I am probably a lot older than you and so have seen and heard a lot more bad stuff maybe? Self preservation kicked in for me a long time ago and so I am able to shrug a lot of this stuff off. Don't think I don't call people on some of it some times though. I don't remain silent and allow others to think I share abhorrent views. It used to hurt me and I have gone through all the emotions you are going through now so maybe you have to be where you are now to get to where I am now. On analysing it, I do have coping mechanisms. I am happy to use the head tilt indicating I feel a bit sorry for the person spouting bollocks, I have perfected what I call the 'flat look' where I look at them a bit longer than I should after they have finished talking tripe as if I am wondering what planet they have been beamed down from too. This embarrasses the ones that still have the capacity for embarrassment. Mostly though, a daily diet of news feed and reality is enough to make me realise there are some seriously sick shits out there and it's not too much of a stretch to imagine you will end up working with a percentage of them. I certainly wouldn't consider inconveniencing myself by changing from a job I liked just because of others warped world view. I would put a flower on my desk and study it and that would remind me there is beauty in the world. If it went beyond expressing an opinion I would take it further but people spouting gob shite bullshit is pretty normal IMO sadly. I am as cynical and jaded as hell on the inside maybe?

I think that a decision on whether or not to take it to HR should depend on how the conversation came about.

If you were both talking about recent news around rape and sexual assault, then he had shared this as part of a mutual exchange of opinions on the topic - then I think you may have to chalk it up to a different, albeit unpleasant, set of views.

If however he introduced the topic, seemed to want to dwell on it and kept coming back to it - then I would see that as creepy and intimidating.

But you are free to go to HR to request an internal transfer for any reason - they can only say no! But it would be unlikely to happen unless they were convinced it was necessary.

I have worked for two bosses who were fairly unpleasant, bullying characters. Although I did challenge both of then, I eventually had better long term outcomes by waiting it out and departing for a new job when the time was right for me.

I too am staggered that people can't work with others that have totally different views to them.
Apart from if someone has numerous views that you find totally abhorrent.
And even then....

This is not friendships. This is a workplace. That you only need to work alongside those, that you need to work with, to get that particular part of your job description, done.

Are they capable? In a professional capacity?

If so....
who cares if they are a .... spurs or an arsenal supporter, like or dislike egg mayo sandwiches for their lunch... rape apologist/fox hunter at the weekend/take acid with their mates come 5pm Friday.

I just don't see how these things are relevant.

And OP has no evidence.
If I were him I'd deny it and look bemused.
And where does that leave you. And I say that not in an employment case, but in any case, of any matter, iyswim.

What is OP genuinely think is going to happen here?

Later. He says:

I'm so sorry OP. I had no idea I would offend you. I have changed my viewpoint entirely now. How Can I apologise enough???......

HR is really pleased you've bought this to their attention. And the case is closed. With all parties feeling satisfied at the outcome.

Yeah. Right. Dream on.

Thesquishyhat- thank you for your post, some useful tactics for me to try. (And I think the fact you’ve taken the time to try and help me with this suggests you can’t be all that jaded or cynical inside )

Thanks for your experiences MaybeDoctor- i think it will take a combination of biting my tongue and patience until I find something else.

Oblamov - I don’t agree that a difference of opinion as to liking egg mayo or not is equivalent to disagreeing about being a rape apologist.
Also, at no point have I said I expect any consequence to my boss, so I’m clear why you believe I have?
I have not decided myself if I will raise this with HR.
My request has been for advice on how to work with someone I disagree with so strongly until I leave.

Sorry. Was just trying to lighten the mood.
Re the egg mayo.

And Actually, don't think it is rape apologism. Because I myself consider rape to be very serious, but I also agree with the law, that in most cases, not just rape, but other crimes, certain information can make the case even worse than other crimes.

For example in murder cases, if the forethought, was intense, or the stabbings innumerable, again and again as opposed to once stabbed, that changes things, in most people's eyes.

I wish you peace, with whatever you choose to do.

And I was jokingly trying to agree with Squashy - who gave excellent advice.

It just a mindset. People I work with, over the years, have held different views to me, lived very different lifestyles. But in my mind, this has no effect on how I work with them, the job in hand.

HTH

You're welcome relapsed . I am in a profession that is quite hard going emotionally in and of itself. I have taken a break from it over the years when it's all got too much so you are probably right about me not being so hard bitten. Put yourself and your CV/career before your feelings about twat features though. Twat will probably always be a twat (although some do change) but you and how you look professionally are far more important.

Would you be able to work with someone who’s anti-abortion, OP?