“All French men have a mistress”

[GertieMotherwell]

I’m currently receiving counselling following my DHs affair.

My counsellor said these words.

DH is French, never cheated. When we go to visit his French friends I would say there's some wife swapping etc going on but it appears driven by the women. We have had to leave parties quickly. [Blush].

To say that all French men have mistresses is stupid.
There's probably more flirting or seduction just for the sake of it, with no intention to go further.
I would say cheating isn't seen as as big a "sin" but that does not mean that the partner will be ok with it. More people than the in UK might see it as a bump in the road rather than a deal breaker, but a lot of people will still leave their partner over it.
Other people (family, friends, colleagues) will for the most part think it's a private matter and not care much. It wouldn't be as much a tar on anyone's reputation.
And the difference definetly apply to both men and women, even if there's still a slant making it more acceptable for men in a lot of people's mind.

She is helpful.
She knows the aim of my counselling is to get past the affair and that I’m struggling with that.
I know ‘acceptance’ is the only way forward if I want to stay in the marriage.

It does seem, from reading posts on this thread, that it is accepted more amongst the French.

You’re still not getting it, OP. “The French” don’t exist, any more than “the English” or “the British”. They’re all generalisations. French people are all different, they have different attitudes.

Does the idea that all French men are cheats and all French women are fine with it make you feel better about the fact that your husband is a cheat?

If you’re not ok with it, you’re not ok with it. There are no prizes for being a “cool wife”. Just bitterness and the loss of any remaining respect your husband might have had for you (and you might have had for yourself).

Gertie, from my experience it is not any more accepted than it is in the UK. French are people as well, they have feelings and emotions and hearts capable of breaking when betrayed. I don't personally know any French people who think having an affair is acceptable.

The point about politicians is that even though people may not demand that a cheating politician be fired, doesn't mean they think it was ok for them to have an affair on a personal level.

Acceptance is not the only way forward, I would seriously look at getting another counsellor.

For some people monogamy is important, for others it isn't. There is probably a cultural aspect to this and maybe an age related one as well. I love reading fiction about 'worlds' where the norm for relationships is very different from the 'one man, one woman' (or two men/two women) model. From a sociological point of view it is interesting to look at different models of committed relationship.

BUT none of this matters for you. It is about what you signed up to, and if that was an exclusive relationship it is total irrelevant if the rest of the world is having affairs. There is no reason why you should 'get over' your partner having one.

Exactly. PoliticiAns are hardly representative.

Am I the only one who found this hilarious?

Ha yes I was aware of the irony when I wrote it

Total bollocks.

French politicians don’t have more affairs than British. The difference in culture in that regard is simply that in France private life is private even in politics. Whereas in the UK politicians’ love lives are seen as everyone’s business.

AnotherEmma
I do ‘get it’ actually.

I’m not aiming to be a ‘cool wife’ and my DH has the utmost respect for me, and always has.

I don’t think it’s respectful to cheat, but each to their own.

I don’t mean to be rude but I think you’ve started a thread about stupid stereotypes when the real issue is your own situation and feelings about it, which IMO would be more useful and interesting to discuss than random people saying “I know three French men and they all cheated.”

There is no greater disrespect in a relationship than an affair. Other than actually dumping you.

At what point during his "always" having respect for you, did he decide to fuck someone else behind your back?

Am I missing something?

Has he not cheated and you're seeing a counsellor for something else and this is just some chit chat with them?

No, have re-read your OP, and he did have an affair.
If you think you can work through that, fair play to you and good luck to you.
But I'm gobsmacked! How can you say he's always respected you?
Of course he hasn't.
No wonder you need counselling if you're trying to persuade yourself that he has!
You have no chance of getting past this unless you're honest with yourself and each other

It doesn't really matter if it is more accepted in France, you get to decide the boundaries in your relationship. My DH is Italian he knows I expect him to be faithful and would take a dim view of porn - that's us though. You have to decide together what is acceptable and what isn't and I think the counsellor's remark was unhelpful.

Nope I wouldnt say accepted as such.
Not as a strong deal breaker maybe. But certainly not accepted.
The fact that not pulling your weight is a bigger deal breaker doesn’t mean that having an affair isn’t a deal breaker.

TBH knowing that other cultures might be accepting of hav8ng an affair won’t he,p you accept what has happened.
I would say that the ‘acceptance’ only comes from reinventing the relationship and for the one who has had an affair to recognise that a lot of th8ngs need to change.

I don’t know why some of you are assuming I’m stupid or you know more about my marriage than I do.

It was an interesting comment that I felt worthy of discussion. That’s all

My ex is French and cheated. His family all thought it was totally normal and inevitable. He preferred prostitutes to mistresses though.

That's bullshit and your councillor is a twat don't let him or her lower your self worth

Totally NOT acceptable for my generation (1975 onwards), esp. if married and children. The odd flirt, maybe. The older generation, maybe but leading to divorces. We're actually quite normal people, eating croissants doesn't stop you from having feelings. In what world a therapist says this kind of thing?!

It’s not a question of knowing your marriage, but of not being honest with yourself about it.

OK, if you were to decide "it's the French way" and accept that, would you actually be happy living like that? Because that gives him carte blanche to continue taking mistresses. So, would your self esteem remain intact throughout, would you be happy?

@TatianaLarina FAR more respectful to dump you than have an affair

I agree with SchnitzelVonKrumm, Tatiana.