“All French men have a mistress”

[GertieMotherwell]

I’m currently receiving counselling following my DHs affair.

My counsellor said these words.

It made me think that different cultures have differing thoughts and priorities regarding relationships.

My opinion on that is that, whatever the way you live in ‘your’ country, you have to take into account what is culturally acceptable in the country your partner is coming from.
So I would expect a French man to acknowledge that affairs are something REALLY important to British people so a real No-No.

In the same way, even in the same country, not everyone has the same sort of deal breaker.

So he should have been aware about it.
Just as you should have been aware of his own deal breakers.

Of course different cultures have different ways of looking at relationship.

Just as they have different ways of looking at education (for the dcs), diet, etc etc

As I said, a lot of my friends would consider not pulling your weight a much bigger NO-NO than an affair....

I once had a US doctor tell me that my unborn baby had a high chance of having spinabifida because a lot more British babies had it compared with US ones. Turns out that was bullshit. But when someone in a position of trust tells you these sort of bollock theories, it is hard to forget or dismiss it. "Frenchmen" are all different, just as different in fact as all men from all cultures. This is a Latin stereotype.

Thanks Hermione
Yes, I do realise that but wasn’t aware affairs were so acceptable in France.

This is as watertight a theory as all Dutchmen wear clogs.

It does appear to have an element of truth to it though, looking at some replies.

Even if it were true, and what?

Apparently quite a percentage of Nigerian men have multiple wives; i don't give a fk what they do, I'm only interested in what I and my partner do, having agreed upon monogamy (or not).

Back on the French thing - and are their wives truly ok with it or just ground down/hopeless re getting better/stoical/unwilling to compromise their lifestyle etc. also would the same men accept the opposite - usually not so just another example if double standards and hypocrisy.

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On several occasions I've said to a French female colleague or friend when talking about a man who has flirted with me 'but he's married!' Their response has always been the same: 'it doesn't deter them in the slightest'.

But, I'll reiterate. A large number of my married male friends flirt but don't have a mistress. Some do. Many don't.

I've heard from people who have loved in France or know some french people that French men are notorious for cheating (heard the same abt Italian men). As others have pointed out - it's prob the case that some do, some don't ; how it compared to British men's level of cheating, how would we ever establish?

In any case I worth that that statement implies women should accept cheating partners as normal to some extent. They're men, they can't help help it.

Well they can and if the shoe was in the other foot they'd go apeshit so no.

Lived - or was that a Freudian slip

Even if that was true, would it be less hurtful to be the cheated upon wife?

As much a deal breaker in France as it would be anywhere.

It's a sweeping generalisation and not true to say all.

Many Japanese men have mistresses too...but not all

It's still not something I'd expect a counsellor to say though.

I think certainly from articles I've read it is more common and doesn't result in as many 'splits' , however a big difference appears to be that it is common with women too and partners often are fully aware.

Even if all French men had mistresses what on Earth was her point? (And I don't believe for one second that they do by the way).

Was it supposed to be a 'joke'?

@gettingthereshopefully your male friends sound delightful 🙄

If that were a true statement then all french wives would be aware of it. And they would all be accepting of it. So, in fact, all French marriages would be open relationships and therefore the men would not be having affairs but be having recognised and accepted sex outside the marriage.

Are you trying to decide whether to stay with your DH or divorce?

I'd maybe be wondering- assuming he is French - that if the general point is that among French men as a group it is seen as more 'acceptable' or 'something French men do' and therefore excusable in some way whether (a) your DH can possibly understand the level of distress he has put you through and therefore (b) whether he could ever do enough to make you feel secure in the marriage again; and (c) whether he would just do it again some time in the future because deep down he excuses himself with 'everyone knows French men do this (even though it's not ok)'? And deep down thinks you should just get over it?

I live in France and work with nostly French men. I honestly don't think many of them are having affairs. They are all nerds, though, if that makes a difference.

I don't agree with it as a statement of fact btw, but if there's a point about a different general cultural attitude to French men and infidelity, and what your DH may have internalised about that growing up in that culture, it's worth thinking about when considering what you want. Only you know your DH though.

I’m staying with my DH for the moment and not sure she said it to influence my decision in any way. It did make me question priorities in a relationship which is why I thought it would be interesting to see what other posters thought.

This as some time ago and I’ve been thinking about it again this evening.

In the farces of M. Feydeau they do. As for real life, I don't believe it.

Is it something you could discuss with your DH? Whether he feels there is that culture and if it felt excusable in some way because of it?

Is he totally clear how wrong it was to do this to you?