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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Guilt in the bedroom

98 replies

J4DE · 20/12/2017 08:05

My partner thinks it's okay to make me feel guilty for not doing things sexually with him, it's not that we never do anything it's just not as often as he would like.

But I find recently he's more rude to me for example I was called a 'selfish wh#re' and a 'nasty c#nt' this morning because I didn't give him oral sex last night and his testes apparently ache. Yet he had asked me at midnight I had not long put my 3mo down for the night and was knackered but he thinks because he works and I'm at home with the baby that I shouldn't be tired at all and then gets pissy when I say no.

I'm not really sure what to do or how to bring it up with him? I have tried telling him how it makes me feel before but he just shrugs it off.

**He makes me feel guilty for a lot of other things but this seems to be his favourite one to bring up at the moment.

OP posts:
crunchtime · 20/12/2017 08:07

leave the bastard
leave the basyard
leave the bastard

come on love-surely you know that it is not ok for your partner to call you a whore and a cunt?

you know that he is making it up about his balls?

you know that life has way more to offer than this?

do you realise how low a standard of behaviour you are accepting?

Buggeritimgettingup · 20/12/2017 08:07

Leave. He's told you and shown you exactly what he thinks of you. You deserve much better than that. Ducks in a row and plan to go.

Maria1982 · 20/12/2017 08:09

He's not just being 'more rude', he's being really horrible and totally unacceptable. Sorry if it's not what you wanted to hear, but calling you those things is really not on.

And you say you've told him before how you feel but he's not listening...

Suggest you try 1 more time to speak to him- during the daytime, preferably when you're not in a rush. Spell it out for him that this isn't on and he must respect you. But you need to really mean it yourself too.

Blondielongie · 20/12/2017 08:09

You know this is not ok. He's an arse. Personally,being insulted like that would be enough for me to leave. But that's me.

NataliaOsipova · 20/12/2017 08:09

his testes apparently ache.

Ah yes, that old time favourite of 15 year old boys everywhere. "You have to do it with me, or my balls will go blue and drop off".

Run a mile. Seriously. That's not the way you behave towards someone you love and respect.

TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius · 20/12/2017 08:10

Anyone that called me a cunt would gonnneeeee

Maria1982 · 20/12/2017 08:11

Oh good, I see others aren't beating around the bush like me (I was feeling reluctant to just say leave but really it seemed like the obvious thing to say...)

Capelin · 20/12/2017 08:11

This is awful. It is completely unacceptable for him to pressure you to perform sexually and to call you such horrible names. He is a nasty, nasty person.

user1497997754 · 20/12/2017 08:11

Bite his dick off lol....he won't ask again.....he is nasty and you need to re think whether you want to be with someone like that...big hugs for you

Brandnewstart · 20/12/2017 08:12

That's appalling op. He sounds like a bully if I am honest. Has he got worse or does he always put his needs first?
I would sit down and talk to him about how it makes you feel, but I would also seriously leave him if it carries on. Flowers

crunchtime · 20/12/2017 08:13

i thought your baby was older? Didn't you go back to work when your baby was four months old?

Eolian · 20/12/2017 08:14

He is a nasty, abusive man. It is totally unacceptable for him to speak to you like that or treat you like that. Ever.

Smeaton · 20/12/2017 08:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

category12 · 20/12/2017 08:15

Ugh. He's the problem. Him. He doesn't even like you.

Original poster
J4DE · 20/12/2017 08:21

I thought everyone would say that, my mum says the same!

Thing is it's not only about the sex, it's about money too because since my maternity pay has dropped he seems to resent me for having to help out more financially. I had an awful pregnancy because he didn't want me to keep the baby and I did so he hated me for that and reminded me pretty much everyday how I ruined his life (until she was born of course because he loves her so much now).

He definitely has a temper (not physically) and has told me many times that he hates me and all the rest, in the past two months I have told him that I would leave with DD and go to my mums but then he changes his tune for a few days because he loves DD and wants to make things work... is it sad that even though he denies it I know he's only with me for DD otherwise how can you hate someone so much but want to be with them?

Crunchtime I've only got my 3 month old so you might have wrong person ? x

OP posts:
Smeaton · 20/12/2017 08:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

crunchtime · 20/12/2017 08:26

sorry-must have got confused-christmas brain!

he's a bastard
leave him

your mum has your best interests at heart

look at your baby and think 'would it be acceptable for someone to talk to her like that when she is older?'

pog100 · 20/12/2017 08:27

You seem to have multiple, bad, insoluble problems with this man. You will not have a happy life with him that's obvious. Take the control and leave him. Please. This OP is just awful behaviour.

jellycat1 · 20/12/2017 08:27

I have to hope this is bollocks ...

jellycat1 · 20/12/2017 08:32

Otherwise I think you should start making preparations to get yourself and you child out of there.

MrsMoastyToasty · 20/12/2017 08:32

Grow a pair of testes/balls...and kick him out!

Original poster
J4DE · 20/12/2017 08:44

It hasn't always been like this only the past 2 years... it has got to a point where I dread him coming home from work, after dealing with a screaming baby all day last thing I want is for him to take his stress from work out on me!

When I say all this to him he first tries to blame it all on me says he doesn't feel appreciated or like I want him to be there (most the time I don't because he's in a foul mood) etc but does apologise eventually. I don't want to seem like one of those idiot females who stay in an abusive relationship but I do love him and growing up with separated parents I really wanted a solid unit for my DD... I've told him before to go to the doctors as maybe he has depression and they could help him with that. But it just never happens - maybe it's too embarrassing for him to bring it up to his Gp?

Thing is if I were to kick him out I would be totally screwed financially we have a finance car in my name, the tenancy is in my name, in fact thinking about it all the bills are in my name...

OP posts:
jellycat1 · 20/12/2017 08:49

OP I admire you for trying to make it work to provide a 'solid unit' - I get that. But loving partners NEVER call the mother of their child whores and cunts. The respect is non existent.

Shoxfordian · 20/12/2017 08:51

If you don't want to seem like someone who stays in an abusive relationship then don't stay.

Please know that his behaviour is totally unacceptable and you don't want to raise your child to think this normal in a relationship.

I know its difficult financially to leave but that isn't a reason to stay, can you live with your Mum for a while? Ltb op

glenthebattleostrich · 20/12/2017 08:54

First, make an appointment with citizens advice bureau, they will be able to help you plan financially. There is help available.

How long is left on your tenancy? Can you give notice and move back to your mum's for a bit?

Cut back on any none essential bills, anything that isn't gas, water, electric or council tax can go.

Do you have anything you can sell? This could help give you a financial (preferably cash) buffer.

How long is left on the car finance? Is there an option to sell the car back?

Get your ducks in a row, start planning and get rid. If he loves your daughter he won't want her growing up with this as a model for future relationships.

Good luck OP.

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