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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Guilt in the bedroom

98 replies

J4DE · 20/12/2017 08:05

My partner thinks it's okay to make me feel guilty for not doing things sexually with him, it's not that we never do anything it's just not as often as he would like.

But I find recently he's more rude to me for example I was called a 'selfish wh#re' and a 'nasty c#nt' this morning because I didn't give him oral sex last night and his testes apparently ache. Yet he had asked me at midnight I had not long put my 3mo down for the night and was knackered but he thinks because he works and I'm at home with the baby that I shouldn't be tired at all and then gets pissy when I say no.

I'm not really sure what to do or how to bring it up with him? I have tried telling him how it makes me feel before but he just shrugs it off.

**He makes me feel guilty for a lot of other things but this seems to be his favourite one to bring up at the moment.

OP posts:
mummwest · 20/12/2017 12:25

What kind of vile, abusive, piece of sh*t person treats the mother of his child like that?
He's disgusting and has zero respect for you, he's not going to suddenly magically gain respect for you if you stay in this situation so you don't have a stable unit for your daughter, this is the home life you are setting up for her as normal, is that what you want?
You deserve better than this!

BitOutOfPractice · 20/12/2017 12:26

It's actually quite relieving that he's not the only man in the world to have reacted in this way

It's really not OP. IT's deeply depressing that emotional, verbal and sexual abuse are so common

never ever has he forced me to do anything

But he's trying isn't he? Do you not believe that he'll keep trying? When will you give in for an easy life?

mummwest · 20/12/2017 12:31

And if he does have mental health issues he has an obligation to himself and his family members to try to take control and help himself here, it doesn't sound like he's suffering from any kind of psychosis so he has to take responsibility and seek help, it's not a get out of jail free card and he shouldn't be pandered to!

SandyY2K · 20/12/2017 12:31

Calling me a cunt and a whore would be the end for me.

No ifs, no buts and no maybes.

Know your worth

Situp · 20/12/2017 12:33

Coerci g someone into sex through verbal abuse is rape.

It doesn't matter what your reasons are for saying no, he has absolutely no right to pressure you or abuse you in this way.

I know the financial side can seem overwhelming but take it one step at a time. There will be posters here with good advice on who can help you but please don't feel you have to stay with him.

Original poster
J4DE · 20/12/2017 12:33

I don't think that my OH will ever try to force me to do anything. I think whereas most peoples partners when told no probably just moan inside there head he is having those same moans but out loud.

Yes he is very disrespectful towards me but I really want to highlight this is not revolving around sexual stuff it's around the relationship as a whole, this isn't a daily occurrence and I just wanted advice on how to discuss this with him.

OP posts:
Runningwithscissors12 · 20/12/2017 12:34

I was called a 'selfish wh#re' and a 'nasty c#nt' this morning

And you said what to him in response ?

because I didn't give him oral sex last night and his testes apparently ache

Tell him to jerk off quietly in the bathroom. Better still.... tell him to go, for good.

Original poster
J4DE · 20/12/2017 12:35

Runningwithscissors12 HAHA! As a matter of fact I did suggest that to him

OP posts:
ArcheryAnnie · 20/12/2017 12:36

You know he's a nightmare abuser. You deserve better. Your child deserves better.

Please get out while you can.

Flowers
SummatFishyEre · 20/12/2017 12:38

Eventually you'll give in for an easy life. Where is your self respect?

BitOutOfPractice · 20/12/2017 12:45

I don't think that my OH will ever try to force me to do anything

He already is OP. Can't you see that? He is emotionally and verbally abusing you to try and coerce you into giving him a blow job. It's so so grim and disturbing. But what is most disturbing is that you cannot see that he is trying to get you do do something that you don't want to do by emotionally manipulating you and verbally abusing you. You know there's a word for that don't you?

SisterhoodisPowerful · 20/12/2017 12:45

Please phone your local women’s aid or the national domestic abuse hotline. They will help support you whilst you deal with fact that your partner is emotionally and psychologically abusive, as well as sexually. Consent is enthusiastic and continuous in a healthy sexual relationship. Whining and putting you in a position where you acquiesce to stop the emotional complaints (such as you’d do it if you love me) are forms of abuse.

You deserve better than this. You deserve a man who loves and respects. Your DH does neither if he treats like this.

Ignore MrJeremy. His ‘advice’ is exactly how men like Harvey Weinstein continue to harass, assault and rape women for decades. Because there are always men willing to make a billion excuses for them.

Charley50 · 20/12/2017 12:48

Hey Jade, please ignore Mr Jetemy's multiple posts and go back and read mine and leaving the abusive partner.
Your partner is abusive. He thinks it's ok to call you a whore and a cunt. I can't go back and read your first post but I think he's also moaning about having to step up and help provide for a tiny baby. Staying with him will be the hard road; I'm pretty certain if that.

BitOutOfPractice · 20/12/2017 12:48

Shall I tell you what my DP would do if I wasn't in the mood? He'd say "Ok darling" and carry on completely as normal. No sulking. No emotional blackmail. No name calling. No anger.

That is the only "normal" and acceptable response.

If he called me a whore and a cunt he'd be out of the door so fast his feet wouldn't touch the floor. If he called me those things to try and "persuade" me to have sex I would never speak or look at him again. He'd be history.

You have very low standards OP. And having a daughter now is a reason to raise your standards. Not lower them Sad

Charley50 · 20/12/2017 12:48

Of that.

Charley50 · 20/12/2017 12:52

You said he hates you and you're only together as you had an unplanned baby together. I've been there. It's a relationship based on nothing positive apart from a tiny vulnerable life.
I'm very happy with my son but my pArtner was abusive and therefore had to go.

YCAWS · 20/12/2017 13:00

Punch him in the bollocks so they really ache and then LTB

Mishappening · 20/12/2017 13:06

Switch on brain! - this fellow does not deserve you and you deserve better. See a solicitor.

serialcheat · 20/12/2017 13:06

You know it's not going to get any better, don't you !?

You also know at some point soon, your daughter will ' pick up ' the negative vibe between the two of you.....

Only you can change things.....

Smeaton · 20/12/2017 13:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whiskyowl · 20/12/2017 13:18

With every post you write, my view of this guy gets blacker. He sounds absolutely awful.

I don't think it's worth staying together for financial reasons when someone is this abusive and horrible. I know it's scary, but time to sit down and have a good look at what you are entiled to if you split. It may be more than you realise.

nestletollhouse · 20/12/2017 13:18

I really hope you leave this relationship.

FuckFaulkerILikeTheGruffalo · 20/12/2017 13:25

most peoples partners when told no probably just moan inside there head he is having those same moans but out loud.

I hope this isn't true. Sex should be looked forward to as a thing between two people, not just using the other person as a wank sock. My DP hasn't gotten any in quite a while due to various things going on with me, and while he misses us doing that together I know he doesn't moan inside his head, his attitude is "Okay, love. Look forward to when it happens again, let's have a cuddle, those are great etc." Nice people have patience and understanding for their partner. Nice people also don't resent having to step up a bit more to household expenses because maternity leave is reduced. Feel a bit of pressure, sure! Look forward to the pressure coming off, sure! Make you feel like shit? No, nice people don't do that.
Nice people don't call you a whore (why do abusive men always call women who won't give them sex whores and slags? It's like they are stupid as well as abusive) or a cunt, no matter how frustrated or upset they are.

I just wanted advice on how to discuss this with him.

I really don't see how there is any way to ask an abuser not to be abusive, or ask a rotten apple to become good again. People are what they are, he is telling you who he is. He's a bastard.

I'm really sorry out of all the messages on this thread, you seem to only have taken Jeremy's on board and the posts contradicting him are spot on.

Please do not think there is any way to convince a leopard to change it's spots. Know your worth. You should be appalled and angry and disgusted, I am on your behalf! Men shouldn't treat you like this, you can leave and be happy. Women's aid and the wise ladies on this thread will support you. You could go to your mums and never again share a bed or a home with a scumbag. I think you and your daughter, as she gets older and more aware, would really like that.

silkpyjamasallday · 20/12/2017 13:28

@MrJeremy you should stop spouting off advising women in abusive relationships to stay and 'work it out'. The OP is clearly aware that her relationship isn't right, that her partner is an abuser, it often takes a long time for women who are in abusive relationships to recognise that they are being abused, and it takes a tremendous amount of courage to leave. You can't just start a new relationship with an abuser, it won't be any different, it will still be an abusive relationship. Abusers often amp up their abuse once their partner has had a baby, its classic behaviour. 2 women a week are killed by their partners or ex partners in this country, the abuse starts in the exact way the OPs relationship is described, and sadly gets to the point where they violently murder their partners. 'Depression' isn't an excuse, people who are depressed don't immediately become abusive.

OP, please listen to the majority of posters here, there is no way you can make this man change, it will not get better it will only get worse. Go to your mums and start working on extricating yourself from this vile man in a safe place.

sourpatchkid · 20/12/2017 13:29

I am a mental health professional- he is NOT treating you this way because he is depressed. He is abusive. If you stick around it will get worse.

His balls ache ... Jesus, is he 15?! I didn't know people still said that?!

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