Guilt in the bedroom

[J4DE]

My partner thinks it's okay to make me feel guilty for not doing things sexually with him, it's not that we never do anything it's just not as often as he would like.

But I find recently he's more rude to me for example I was called a 'selfish wh#re' and a 'nasty c#nt' this morning because I didn't give him oral sex last night and his testes apparently ache. Yet he had asked me at midnight I had not long put my 3mo down for the night and was knackered but he thinks because he works and I'm at home with the baby that I shouldn't be tired at all and then gets pissy when I say no.

I'm not really sure what to do or how to bring it up with him? I have tried telling him how it makes me feel before but he just shrugs it off.

**He makes me feel guilty for a lot of other things but this seems to be his favourite one to bring up at the moment.

Being called those names once is too many times. Image how your daughter will feel if she has to hear her mother being called these names when she's older enough to understand. Even being the age she is now, she'll already sense this bad feeling between the two of you.

No Jade, I don't think people have the same moans in their head that he says out loud.

Yes they may be frustrated or think fck sake I just want her to appreciate me in the moment when they realised it's not going to happen but I very much doubt anyone who isn't abusive would call their partners selfish whres or nasty c*nts!

Honestly, OP, I struggle to see how you could love someone who treats you like this.

I understand how women feel they can't leave; feel they have nowhere to go; worry about finances, etc... but to stay out of love?

What is it about him that you love? Why do you love him?

Eugh, repulsive wank stain of a man. Jesus OP, you and your child deserve better than this, is this really the kind of relationship you envisioned for yourself?

I get that you want a solid foundation for your child, but you will never have that with this abusive, rapey, entitled, man child. For Christ sake get shot of him and give yourself a chance of building that sort of foundation with someone else.

Oh and by the way, sex isn't meant to be something women perform for their man, it's meant to be mutually enjoyable and satisfying. You aren't a wank sock.

He’s spineless for doing that. If he’s that unhappy, he’d have walked long ago.

You are better than this & deserve more OP

OP you have latched on to the one single person who has told you it isn't as bad and you should work on it. Despite his situation not being the same.

What exactly should you work on? Doing what he wants so he isn't abusive?

A lot of people are not even ready for sex when their baby is 3 months old.

All this man cares about his his wants and needs and how you are there to service them.

You want your DD to grow up in a solid unit? It's not too late. She is too young to remember that she lived her earliest days in an abusive household but if you leave now, you have a chance to find a decent man and give her a happy childhood.

Would just like to let everyone know we are now separated... oh how great it is to have the whole bed to myself. Feeling a lot better in myself and a whole lot less anxious! What's also great is we have been able to keep it amicable for DD so far and he sees her regularly.

LTB - that is all!

I usually roll me eyes at the constant LTB responses as M, but my response to OP is LTB ruuuuun!

That's good news. Did you instigate the break up and how did he respond?

Yes I instigated it and he's been fine about it a bit upset at first I think. But it's now clear to me neither of us were happy so it was best for both of us ! DD strangely is a happier baby too, maybe she knows we're both happier

DD strangely is a happier baby too

It's not strange at all that she's happier; you are seeing the proof of the psychological damage to children being raised in an abusive environment, and how they can thrive when they are away from that.

Good for you, OP!

@J4DE Have been reading the thread and so relieved you faced the situation head on and made the break instead of waiting and suffering. You're a .

Well done! Onwards and upwards.

@AFistfulOfDolores such wise words. Power to you OP. You will be fine financially I think, it's actually good everythings in your name, it's yours to control/cancel ect if you need. Get on to tax credits and housing benefits next before they go to universal credit in a few months (depending on your area) good luck!

www.gov.uk/browse/benefits/entitlement

i was brought up in a very unhappy house. my DF was verbally and emotionally abusive towards my DM once she given birth this developed into financial and physic abuse. i spent most of my childhood wishing she had left when we were babies as a single parent would be much better than having him there. She left in my 20's having spent 30 odd years with him, and will never have another romantic relationship because of the damage he did to her. my older sidling with emotionally damaged, and been on drugs since early teen and i suffer from depression at time.

please seek help.

you can do this, talk to your family, ask for help from friends, have a chat with your landlord about ending the term early - explain the situation and they might help.

please leave him.

Good for you OP, and thanks for updating! I really hope that this fresh start is the beginning of much happier times for you and your dd.

Skipped to the end of the thread because it is an older one and so happy to see your update J4DE! Really pleased for you and your baby and it’s no coincidence that she seems a happier baby now than she did before. Her surroundings are happier, more relaxed and much calmer. As are you and you are what matters to her most of all.

UPDATE

I went back to child's father in April 2018 but separated again in January 2019 after I finally woke up and realised what an abusive wanker he was (and still is) and ending up with severe depression and anxiety. I ended up going to my local domestic abuse charity and attending group workshops called breaking the chains and Key to change. Child's father does not see DD now as he was persistently abusive and controlling after the split and I have been in and out of the courts with Cafcass involvement which is still ongoing and hopefully there will be an end that is healthy for both myself and DD.

DD ended up developing some behavioural issues from the abuse she was exposed to witnessing but over a year after the split she is like a different child and our bond is much better. She is now 2 years old and flourishing.

I am also in a different very healthy and loving relationship with a baby boy on the way.

I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT IF ANYONE FINDS THAT THIS THREAD STRIKES A CORD WITH THEM PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LEAVE AND SEEM ADVICE FROM YOUR LOCAL DOMESTIC AABUSE CHARITY. It is a hard road to recovery after being with someone for so long but you will thank yourself for it xx

Well done OP.
That's a great update.
So glad you are rid of the abusive asshole.
And you have a wonderful new life now.

Great work, please don't go back to him. xxx