Guilt in the bedroom

[J4DE]

My partner thinks it's okay to make me feel guilty for not doing things sexually with him, it's not that we never do anything it's just not as often as he would like.

But I find recently he's more rude to me for example I was called a 'selfish wh#re' and a 'nasty c#nt' this morning because I didn't give him oral sex last night and his testes apparently ache. Yet he had asked me at midnight I had not long put my 3mo down for the night and was knackered but he thinks because he works and I'm at home with the baby that I shouldn't be tired at all and then gets pissy when I say no.

I'm not really sure what to do or how to bring it up with him? I have tried telling him how it makes me feel before but he just shrugs it off.

**He makes me feel guilty for a lot of other things but this seems to be his favourite one to bring up at the moment.

He is an abusive Walker. Leave him.

Please contact Womens Aid.
This guy is abusive.

You say don't want to seem like one of those idiot females who stay in an abusive relationship but I do love him
But you are doing just that.
There is nothing to love about this low life scumbag who takes pleasure in abusing you and in-turn, your DD.
Your mum has the measure of him.
Your poor DC will brought up in an awful home environment.
It is considered abusive to children to be kept them in an abusive household as well.
The abuse cycle will continue.
Your poor DD will grow up thinking this is how men treat women and pick the same type of guy you have.
She will be abused.
What would you say to your DD when older, if she is with someone like your DP???
You'd tell her to get the fuck away.
You need to do the same.
This guy will break you totally eventually.
You'll have no fight and no self-esteem left.
When you talk to Womens Aid (0808 2000 247) ensure you ask them about the Freedom Programme.
The fact you are putting up with this means your boundaries are completely out and you need to re-adjust them - FAST!!!!!
Do not inflict this half life on yourself or your DD.
It is your job to protect her from abuse and a horrible life.
Get out and do it fast.

Excellent post hells. OP please listen to her.

It seems you understand that you’re being abused. It honestly isn’t about women being idiots.. Women stay because they’re scared, because they blame themselves, and many more complicated reasons.

Don’t call yourself stupid, don’t call yourself any names at all. Do leave though. He is horrible and will continue to abuse you.

Leaving may feel impossible so talk to us about how you might go about it. We’ll help you to make a plan. Can you pack a bag and go to your Mum’s today? Take the pressure off yourself and just tell him you need some space. You don’t need to put yourself through a big scene at this stage.

You know this is abuse. He is abusing you. You deserve far better than this.

I agree, get away from him as soon as you can OP. You deserve to be safe and happy, so does your daughter, you'll never be this with a man like that. Best wishes.

Reading this has made me feel so sad. You cannot stay with him. He doesn't love and respect you or your DD. If he did, he wouldn't speak to you in that way or expect you to do the things he's asking you to do. I'm from divorced parents and grew up without a father, and I can reassure you that with a strong, caring and loving mother, which you are, your DD will flourish and will be so much better off. Please listen to your DM and everyone here and LTB. Look into counselling for yourself, to at least talk to someone who can help you to see your way forward.

I really wanted a solid unit for my DD

You haven't got that though have you? Instead she lives in an abusive household

This is my first post, I have been a reader of many posts in here but never commented ...guess this one I should. I am sorry to hear what you are going through and I think perhaps I can offer a man's perspective on this issue as someone who may have gone through something similar in our marriage.

We have two DC, first, one came and was very exciting times but also crazy ..no sleep, business was crazy with me been self-employed and working a night job as I tried to set up our business during the day.

I had a very tough time but my Mrs has a worse time, I was Grumpy and short-fused most time when I came home, we both did want to spend time with each, so when our first DC was just over one year and my wife gave an what I took to be an ultimatum to have a second child or she would leave, this changed things big time....

I resented her and even hated her for what I perceived to be her not caring about what I wanted. I loved my second child but kept resentful of my wife. I really wanted things to work as a family and thought maybe the sex would bring us closer, I mean I still longed to be loved and to love her but no matter what we did we kept hitting a brick wall.

Now, we are well and our marriage is miles away from where it was.. I am happily married and love my wife and DCs to bit, so what changed: Two things;

First, I discovered that I actually was under depression the whole time after my son was born, so took some medications but really this did not help what helped most was therapy and counselling with my wife, where we laid our cards on the table and express our deepest feeling including the resentment I felt for been push for second child, once she explained her side of the story and said sorry, It was really easy to move from that.I also discovered that unbeknown to me I suffered PTSD from an accident in my childhood which sent me to a fight or flight mode everytime my children or wife would cry...( and my first Dc was a real crybaby). So please get him to go to the Doctors and also get some marriage counselling

Second, priorities on helping each other take some time to have break, i.e. for us we discovered helping each other have more rest and family time where you don't have to do anything stressful e.g. for us taking turns to let each other have a nap on the weekends then spending a lazy movies night together after early dinner helps us recharge the batteries.

I wish you all the best and just to be clear is not right for either of you to be in such as relationship but don't throw in the towel yet, try work things out and get someone else involved so that you can monitor the progress as this is going to be a long process, it has taken us about two years now to get to get to where we are but it has been well worth it ;

MrJeremy did you try and emotionally manipulate and coerce your wife into performing sex acts against her will?

Because that is what OP's patner is doing. There's nothing for the OP to work on with that is there? Her partner is an abusive arsehole

ZOMBIE THREAD!!

Oh.....sorry.....no it isn't. But I hope you will excuse me for thinking this was a thread from 1954. I strongly recommend he get some 2018 counselling.

Hey OP, I left my abusive wanker of an ex when my DS was 5 months. We were renting. It was a shit time as he refused to leave for a couple of months so I ended up staying at my mums, and paying the rent like a mug till he left. I think the tenancy was in both our names.
The night I ended the relationship he went out and got pissed and came home and hit me. So I called the police who advised me to keep him away as he was a nasty bastard. Dunno now how he ended up back in my flat for two months while I was at my mums!!

Anyway it was many years ago now. I made some brilliant mum/ couples and single mum friends, my DS had a lovely childhood, and there was none of the stress in my home that comes with having an abusive man in the house. He formed his own relationship with DS and is still in his life now. He does love DS. Ex continued being abusive towards me (by text etc.) until he met his poor wife. She is lovely and has now divorced him!
Sorry for the long post, but LTB. He's abusing you and will only get worse. It's easier when the child is young in some ways as they wont remember you being together.

Jeremy obviously missed the bit where he called the mother of his baby a whore for not servicing him.

OP, this pathetic loser does not adore his DD. If he did, he'd want her main carer to be loved and supported.

Listen to your mum. Do better for your DD.

BitOutOfPractice, No I didn't and I am in no way condoning or excusing his behaviour, I did think at the time that maybe if we improved things in bed then things would get better but that was basically working thing the wrong way round, I remember getting annoyed that we were not having sex much which looking back not was about the worst thing you could do for a mother who is already swamped with the toughest job in the world, looking after kids .

I believe that things can work out but she needs to love herself more and draw the line somewhere and be firm that this cannot go on, it took my wife packing up to left for me to realise that I need to up my game and sort medical help, now I am glad I did.

I sympathize OP with her situation and thing all the suggestion here are right but leaving should not necessarily be the first solution but last resort. And MorrisZapp, I did not miss that bit, although my metal break down was not manifested in verbal insult mostly, for me this just indicate what the wife is suspecting i.e. this guy is suffering from some mental health issue... so yes let her get out of that environment but it still want to together insist that he get the medical help he needs

Just to be clear again his behaviour is out of order and I am not in any way asking you to condone it, just call him on it and get help together.

Oh OP please leave you know this is not right and you don’t want it to get any worse. Sounds like you have the support of your mum and you don’t want your DD growing up thinking that how a man should treat a woman. 💐 easier said then done I know but you will be better off in the long run

Ask him calmly, "How do you think your Mum/your sister/your daughter would feel if their other half called them a selfish whore or a nasty c*nt?"

Don't stand for it - stand by the boundaries you set yourself. Surely all this is way beyond your boundaries, so make the stand and demonstrate it by going to your mums.

Good luck

@MrJeremy I hope you realise what dangerous advice you are giving out. To tell a women to "try to work things out" with a sexually and emotionally abusive man is very bad and dangerous advice indeed

Hes being really abusive. You do need to find a way of getting out of this, because this is not only awful for you and no way to live, it is also a really bad example for your child.

You say you have kids Jeremy. If your daughter has a baby in the future and her partner demands sex and calls her a cunt and whore for not providing, will you ask her to work it out with him? Or would you think hang on, that's actually disgusting and how dare he treat my lovely daughter that way?

to the contrary, I have not told anyone to stay in an abusive relationship or in any way ignore the issue. I am saying " Do Something!", just not what everyone is perhaps suggesting ( which is what some friends suggested during our down moments). surely there cannot be only two solutions, Leave or Stay?

I suggest a third option. End the current abusive relationship and start a new one with the same person but calling out the current situation as unacceptable, getting help to deal with the root cause and starting a new relationship based on mutual trust and respect. If this takes you going to your parents when you try work thing out then do that It is oversimplifying things to say just leave, especially given emotional and financial difficulties this would put her in, plus there is a child involved. It will not cost her as much to try to get some professional help to work things out before you bail out if anything it will give you time to plan your exit if things don't work out even after this.

Whaaaaat the fuuuuuuck

LTB

What Smeaton said.

What you describe in your relationship, while undoubtedly difficult, is completely different from what the OP is describing.

This is not a rough patch that can be worked on. It's emotional and sexual abuse and it's illegal

Smeaton, yes I know their many men in here and offered my perspective as someone has been what I would now only call an "Arsehole" previously( her words not mine), and in no way talk on behave of "men".

While I never forced thing in bed with my wife, I did moan sometimes about sex, I was emotionally numb and said very harsh word to my very sensitive wife which hurt her a lot, I may have no call her a "c.." nor disrespected her parents ...but I a classic "Arsehole" at the time, with around the clock headaches, very irritable with angry out busts and not treating wife with much care as she deserved.

But I agreed with both you and BitOutOfPractice, perhaps my situation was different... and yes! As you mention Sexual Abuse is illegal, Do you suggest looking to get the men in blue involved?

......"He makes me feel guilty for a lot of other things but this seems to be his favourite one to bring up at the moment."
It seems like the partner is used to get his way when he manipulates her emotionally but this would not work if she was firm and learnt to say NO without feeling emotionally responsible for everyone happiness.Perhaps some counselling herself could help?

I think it would be very difficult to get manipulated if the partner does not get the response he wants next time he tries that crap again. e.g. next time he asks for Oral Sex and kick a fuss, let him know he will not be getting any in the near future and in fact withdraw the sex until he starts to appreciate you ... He has been a kid then treat him like one, when a kid kicks a tantrum and you give in to what they want next time they want something, guess what they will do? ... but if you don't give in, yes! the tantrum will be louder at first but the kid will so learn that that is not who to get what you want...

MrJeremy thank you for offering a fresh perspective on my situation (and I'm sorry you got a bit of backlash).* I will try again to push my partner to seek help with his GP as I do suspect he is struggling with his mental health.* It's actually quite relieving that he's not the only man in the world to have reacted in this way.

I would just like to add that yes the way my partner spoke to me and making me feel guilty is not acceptable but never ever has he forced me to do anything if he had I would of 100% left and I'm sorry if I gave anyone that impression.