AIBU re dp going away on his own for xmas

[SingSam]

we have only been going out around 7 months. Dp hates xmas and I can understand that. He was adopted and he had a very difficult childhood. He does not enjoy Xmas and I understand his feelings on this. He is in his 50s, has no kids and feels absolutely no compunction for hanging around for xmas.

We had planned to go away together on boxing day but had a massive fight around a week ago where we agreed we would split up. I expect it was actually the pressure of Xmas plans getting to both of us. I too did not have an easy childhood but have 2 kids now so I do make an effort at xmas for them. My mum died last year so I also feel v sad at xmas.

When we split up, I cancelled the holiday because I would have lost all the money on it (I paid for this one, he paid for the last one). It sent him an email and once he saw it was cancelled, he booked to go away over the whole period.

Dp is a very nice guy but he also acknowledges that he gets quite jealous and he fully holds his hands up to that. I am not a jealous person at all by nature.

We got back together a few days ago and last night he sat down and told me he had booked this holiday. It's to go ski-ing. I don't ski at all, never have, never will and I also have the kids for half the time he's away (who also don't ski) so there is no chance I could go with him (and it is also over Xmas and we have planned meals out with family that have been pre paid etc.).

It is on a ski course and he told me it is normally a load of single blokes and sometimes couples because who else goes away over xmas (it's from the 22nd to the 31st). He doesn't want to cancel it because he loves skiing but also because he just doesn't want to be here at xmas.

There are 2 meals which were prepaid for which he's not coming to but one place has been filled and the other, the place said they would refund me so I've not lost out on any money. I've lost money on the flights as those were non refundable but didn't lose on the hotel as I cancelled just in time. We were going away from the 26th to the 2nd.

He's just called me to say that he's got the list of the people on the course and bar one married couple and one bloke, the rest all appear to be single women and they are staying in a chalet together from the 22nd to the 31st. He has said if it was me, going away on a holiday on my own with a load of single blokes, he would not be happy at all and he doubts he would put up with it. But he loves me loads, he really just wants to go ski-ing and wants to avoid Xmas etc. etc.

I really don't know how to think about this. We've only just got back together and I understand why he booked it. And why shouldn't he go skiing if xmas makes him so miserable but i think it's the fact that if the tables were turned, there is no way I could go away like this and continue the relationship so it feels very double standardish.

I'd be helping him pack.

I am keeping my fingers crossed that he is on holiday with an LGBT group, just saying' ha - same thing occurred to me when I was explaining about the room allocations. Of course you assume that a group of women sharing twin rooms and staying away from home over Christmas are more likely to be single but did occur to me that it's not always the case - I certainly made good friends with 2 lesbian couples on one of my hiking trips.

You say he's a nice guy, but a lot of the things you have listed are nasty things to do.
It sounds like he has learned to perform acting nice , when it suits him. He is happy to be nasty to hurt your feelings and make you feel bad.
Its very common for controlling men to throw a tantrum when its your birthday, or the kids birthday, or on any other occasion where they are not the centre of attention.

He's 50, and it hasn't occurred to him to have therapy, or change how he feels about Christmas or having a family and children.
You have children. Is he the sort of person you want as a father to your kids, and as a partner?

The last time I was single was nearly 25 years ago. Then, as a 20 year old, I would have absolutely put up with any level of drama in the early days of a relationship. Now, as a battle-scarred 44 year old, I just wouldn't have the patience for it.
I'm not planning a new relationship, but if I was I'd want it to add something to my life and not waste my time with worry or mind gams.

How do you know he hasn't had therapy? How do you know what his feelings are about children?!

He's 50, has no kids, and doesn't like all the Christmas stuff and likes to get out of the UK at this time of year - well DH and I feel the same! And we love kids, are excellent aunt and uncle and godparents, we just can't have them so have thrown our energy into other things.

That is NOT a problem.

The double standards/jealousy is.

yes I agree ananova, and he has had therapy (and is in it!) as it happens. I wouldn't judge someone because they've had a difficult past tbh. i have had one too. But it is when that past impacts their behaviour with you that it becomes an issue and I suspect the jealousy/double standards is part of that. I am less bothered about the xmas thing.

Ha! Yes Schlimbesserung, I tend to agree but crikey dating at our age is hard. I have barely met a man without issues. In fact, I was single for a couple of years before dating again this time as it's such a bloody schlep!

Rebecca, he wasn't spending the whole of xmas with us. He doesn't live with me. But he was having a few meals here and there that I had arranged with friends and family. Nothing huge, just normal xmas stuff I think.

I read this differently. He’s telling you he wants you to be jealous and unreasonable and demand he cancel his holiday (because that’s exactly what he would do to you) and THEN he gets to play victim, sulk and make you feel like a crazy, insecure, jealous banshee who made him miss out on a simple ski holiday?

Not like you to act like this?

Oh, you will be in a couple of years - he’s working on you already.

There was absolutely no need to say that except if he was going to follow it with... I know we had just broken up and me with 20 single women in a small chalet might look dodgy to someone who’s more jealous than you... but I want you to know I’m really committed to giving us another chance and I can’t wait to see you when I get back.

Some people have separate holidays, perhaps due to a hobby or sport that they enjoy. If affordable they also have a joint holiday. I would not have a problem with him going skiing. However, you have cancelled a joint holiday at short notice. I would have a long think about whether you want to continue this relationship in the future.

He’s telling you he wants you to be jealous and unreasonable and demand he cancel his holiday (because that’s exactly what he would do to you) and THEN he gets to play victim, sulk and make you feel like a crazy, insecure, jealous banshee who made him miss out on a simple ski holiday?

he's working on you already

Blimey.

I have barely met a man without issues

Surprised you've met one - we all have issues and people are displaying some of theirs on this thread!!

This sounds too much like hard work after only 7 months

I read it more as "I'm just making sure you know that even though I'm doing this (going on a group holiday with quite a few apparently single people of the opposite sex) I wouldn't be ok with you doing it .. so he has forewarned OP that if she thinks its ok to do something similar, it's not.

Total & utter double standards, and a jealous, petty focus in life. I went out with a man like this - everything was "but there will be single people there!!" - my response was - "and what; I've never accidentally fked someone and I don't believe you have or will either." That's not even the thinking you're gods gift and every social situation with the opposite sex is going to result in pulling/shagging opportunities.

Jealousy and pettiness like that is exhausting, stressful and ultimately wrecks a relationship.

I think you know why he was single in his 50s now.

it's going to be pretty effing festive in chalets in ski resorts over the period

this relationship sounds like it's got way too many problems for one that's not even a year old and doesn't involve money, children, each other's families etc i'd probably do my best to forget him tbh

I think you know why he was single in his 50s now

lots of men and women are single in their 50s.

it's going to be pretty effing festive in chalets in ski resorts over the period

actually, no, it is a completely different ball game to Christmas in the Uk and far more low key

Dear x, well if you are going on this trip you will have to be ok with me doing anything similar. I won't be in a relationship with one rule for me and another for the other person. You will have to either deal with that maturely or decide you can't and end the relationship. Please make up your mind quickly. Have a lovely trip. X, the op

I would not let that reference slide by without being extremely clear that double standards are not ok, him flagging them and recognising them won't change that, he has to get over them and not let his issues affect you. Jealousy is not a small issue.

OP, don't let yourself get so desperate you will put up with any old crap just so you can tell the world you're not single. This man sounds like a total waste of space drama llama. Being single is much, much better than having to indulge and placate a tiresome man - even if he's a great shag.

ananova - I was saying that OP knows why this particular man was single in his 50's.

Jealousy and double standards like that are increasingly not tolerated & seen as a red flag by people; and I heavily suspect that has played a part in his previous relationship breakdowns/relationships not getting off the ground.

I'm not referring to anyone else - people can be single at any age through choice, circumstances etc.

I think after only 7 months and with a break up already I'd cut my losses in the face of such double standards.

Hope you have a lovely Christmas with your kids and have a fresh start in 2018 away from Mr Jealous.

What Tinsel said x1000!! He sounds insufferable and quite frankly I'd be glad to be shot of him over Christmas. Men don't 'cheat' because they are in a space with women, they cheat because the choose to. If you can't trust him, you can't trust him. You are barely in a relationship by the sounds of it, I'd let it go and get on with my life.

OP - I think timeisnotaline is spot on and was going to suggest you say the same to him.

There's an awful lot of projection here with him being vile, nasty, manipulative, never had therapy, never wanting a family etc. etc.

I do see a man with a major issue with jealousy and there is one thing that you really need to get sorted with him before deciding whether you want to pursue this further or not: can he accept that it cannot be one rule for him and another for you when it comes to socialising with members of the opposite sex or indeed anything else?

That doesn't mean you can only do the same things of course and that you have to keep a ledger of who has done what - you haven't had a trip away with single men so he can't have a trip away with single women etc. But the principle has to be that there is no RULE preventing either one of you from doing something without negative consequences that doesn't equally apply to the other.

If he can't, then it's a shame, but at 7 months then it's time to cut your losses and both move on. One of the things about meeting people when they older is that people are more upfront and self-aware of issues and deal-breakers. Get it sorted now or get rid.

Christmas is meant to be easy.

At least he isn't going to Amsterdam, Prague or Pattaya.....

I get what people are saying that one wouldn't expect a boyfriend to spend Christmas together after only seven months. But on the other hand, he made it pretty clear that he hates Christmas, so this present scenario could be represented as a "start as you mean to go". Would it be ok with you, Sing , if he, in some manner, fucked off every Christmas?

No to the double standard- your gut feeling on that is spot on. ,
No to the "lesson for the little lady" (my quotes) in revealing the single ladies (totally unnecessary) then projecting his magical thinking requirements onto you. That is so condescending and nothing but an ego driven power play. And you didn't even do anything! But wait you did: you showed you exist and function with an independent brain when you canceled your holiday. His response to that was a verbal spanking to put doubt in your mind for the balance of his absence - to put a cloud over your Christmas as a PP described. Will he/won't he cheat? You will never know. (Which is why he won't tolerate you participating in such an event.)
What a jerk. Not a keeper- exactly.
It will be interesting to see how often he contacts you over the holiday. Do not respond. And don't contact him. I would hesitate to even wish him a Merry Christmas as he made it clear he doesn't like it.

Sorry for my rant! Can you tell I had one of these? I thank God every day I didn't marry him.

I used to think the relationships board on MN was good but this thread is ridiculous.

No one can even try a bit of balance and to see that he told the OP he'd booked the trip and it was typically single blokes and the odd couple - which is true although more women are going on these trips these days which pleases me - and then when he got the listing through from the company it turned out there wasn't the case and he thought better to be open about that then have the OP subsequently discover the gender mix of the group was very different from the one he'd led her to believe it would be. Because it wold be an issue for him so he wants to be open about it.

Oh no it's definitely because he's an ego-driven manipulative twat who's trying to break you and your family and put a cloud over your Christmas so you will always be wondering whether he'd cheat on you. No ifs not buts THAT'S WHO HE IS FOR SURE!!

FFS.

OP - you're the only one who knows him. Clearly if any of the comments from these posters are ringing bells for you then RUN LIKE THE WIND.

If not, then address the double standards rule now and go with your gut on the outcome of that conversation. As I said, being with an insecure partner can be very, very hard work and life's too short for that.

I had a partner who struggles with jealousy and really doesn't understand when people (like me) don't feel the same way.

I have to say before him I'd think your DP was being open, but since...nah I think it was a dig at pushing the boundaries a bit.

And the double standards - disgustingly childish behaviour for a man of his age.

He would find it unacceptable because why exactly? Because you'd cheat?

That's how his mind would work in that scenario, not yours....

I agree - wish him well, have a think over Christmas about what you want. Enjoy time with the family. If you can't cancel your flight can you take a friend instead? Rebook the hotel?

Then when you get back tell him you had a great time on the trip with your mate, Bob.