AIBU re dp going away on his own for xmas

[SingSam]

we have only been going out around 7 months. Dp hates xmas and I can understand that. He was adopted and he had a very difficult childhood. He does not enjoy Xmas and I understand his feelings on this. He is in his 50s, has no kids and feels absolutely no compunction for hanging around for xmas.

We had planned to go away together on boxing day but had a massive fight around a week ago where we agreed we would split up. I expect it was actually the pressure of Xmas plans getting to both of us. I too did not have an easy childhood but have 2 kids now so I do make an effort at xmas for them. My mum died last year so I also feel v sad at xmas.

When we split up, I cancelled the holiday because I would have lost all the money on it (I paid for this one, he paid for the last one). It sent him an email and once he saw it was cancelled, he booked to go away over the whole period.

Dp is a very nice guy but he also acknowledges that he gets quite jealous and he fully holds his hands up to that. I am not a jealous person at all by nature.

We got back together a few days ago and last night he sat down and told me he had booked this holiday. It's to go ski-ing. I don't ski at all, never have, never will and I also have the kids for half the time he's away (who also don't ski) so there is no chance I could go with him (and it is also over Xmas and we have planned meals out with family that have been pre paid etc.).

It is on a ski course and he told me it is normally a load of single blokes and sometimes couples because who else goes away over xmas (it's from the 22nd to the 31st). He doesn't want to cancel it because he loves skiing but also because he just doesn't want to be here at xmas.

There are 2 meals which were prepaid for which he's not coming to but one place has been filled and the other, the place said they would refund me so I've not lost out on any money. I've lost money on the flights as those were non refundable but didn't lose on the hotel as I cancelled just in time. We were going away from the 26th to the 2nd.

He's just called me to say that he's got the list of the people on the course and bar one married couple and one bloke, the rest all appear to be single women and they are staying in a chalet together from the 22nd to the 31st. He has said if it was me, going away on a holiday on my own with a load of single blokes, he would not be happy at all and he doubts he would put up with it. But he loves me loads, he really just wants to go ski-ing and wants to avoid Xmas etc. etc.

I really don't know how to think about this. We've only just got back together and I understand why he booked it. And why shouldn't he go skiing if xmas makes him so miserable but i think it's the fact that if the tables were turned, there is no way I could go away like this and continue the relationship so it feels very double standardish.

[Leonard1]

Sounds like hard work.

[altiara]

annova I disagree, I thought he was trying to be open but then the sentence that stands out to me is he would not be happy at all and he doubts he would put up with it.
That’s what I think OP is having the problem with. I’d want to say well you’d have to put up with it (but in reality I wouldn’t be going on holiday with single men, I’d be going with my kids!)

[ananova]

altiara have you read the OP's update? Or indeed any of my comments prior to her final update where I absolutely agreed with the OP that the problem was his comment about him not thinking he'd be able to handle it if the roles were reversed?

Really hoping the answer to that is no and you've just bowled in without reading rather than this being an example of your well-pondered piece of advice for me or the OP. Because even when it's been pointed out to some of the posters on here that there might be another side, they seem to be so entrenched in their views of someone they've never even met, they couldn't bring themselves to say 'yeah, ok, there is potentially another point of view that would mean he's not an evil twat'.

Have not been on this board for years and for some reason this thread title caught my eye in "trending".

Really hoping there are not lots of women dumping their partners after the sort of advice that has been dished out here.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

ananova, with all due respect, posting on threads is not a competition of

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

Oops
ananova, with all due respect, posting on threads is not
a competition of whose opinion is more "right". It is up to the OP, and no one else (save MNHQ when Talk Guidelines have been disregarded) to weed out the posts that do not apply to the circumstances. Your repeated suggestions that the OP should ignore other's posts is rude.

Many posters here have ten or more years (including myself) on this board and have seen thread after thread describing certain relationship dynamics. When interaction markers (red flags) are presented, it really is not hard to predict a modus operandi and how the dynamic will develop. Yes, A Script. Pointing this out to someone who can not quite verbalize the negative gut feeling can save a person (men as well) many years of enduring painful toxic bad incompatible (choose your own word) relationships. A lot is at stake, most importantly, the mental health of the OP as these negative relationships destroy self esteem and can induce true depression which can take years after the end of the relationship to recover. This board is about problems-bad enough to take to a public forum- in relationships so it should not come as a surprise that many of them can not be salvaged. Hth.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

*mental health...and unfortunately physical health and financial health as well.

[MrsDilber]

Loads of single women sounds fairly goady. Let him get on with it and see what's what when he comes back.

Hope you have a happy Christmas with your kids and family.

[RainyApril]

I can't see what he's done wrong.

You had an argument and split up. You forwarded him an email saying that your joint trip was cancelled, so he booked his own holiday.

Quite understandably, he still wants to go on that holiday, that's booked and paid for, even though you're back together.

[speakout]

I would consider the relationship to be distant or casual.

Which is fine.

[shockthemonkey]

Haven't RTFT, but if he expects you to be OK with something he would not "allow" you to do...

Well it's all quite clear, isn't it?

[Whocansay]

ananova your arrogance is breathtaking.

All anyone can do on here is voice an opinion based on what we're told and how we personally interpret the information. You don't agree and that's fine. But it doesn't make you right.

In this thread, the reasons I would jump to a 'LTB' comment is the lack of personal responsibility that the man in question has. He blames his own bad behaviour on his childhood, and if that doesn't suit, on his ex gf. That it a massive red flag to me.

[FluffyWhiteTowels]

OP if you like him just see how it goes. 7 months is a fledgling relationship. You're aware of issues about him. Have split once and lost money because of it.

There's lots of differing and helpful opinions here.

Possibly sounds he's stated his fears over the January trip to set the scene so if he forms a relationship / holiday fling he can use that either as 'sorry I can't cope with your impending trip' to end your relationship so he doesn't feel guilty or be a shit about you going away but say 'but I told you I had issues but was trying to work through them'

He could be a massive manipulator or really insecure

[Situp]

Plus, who wants a miserable git around at Christmas? If DH was a misery at Christmas he would probably find his trip booked for him

[Thebluedog]

It really all depends on how YOU feel.

If it was me, I’d be happy with my dp going away as I trust him and we have a very healthy relationship blah blah

But if it had been my ex, I wouldn’t have been happy at all, as we had a very toxic relationship, and he’d do things like this just to piss me off and he had absolutely no compassion or regard for anyone else but himself.

Sounds like your dp is a bit like my ex. I understand his desire to be away for xmas but there are plenty of holidays he could take, other than one with a load of single women.

His children moment about him not being happy or wouldn’t put up with you doing the same smacks of ‘do as I say, not as I do’

[Thebluedog]

Comment not children

[ClareB83]

I think you've been quite sensible OP: focussing on the double standard, not being goaded into jealousy and talking to him. Based on what he's said I think it's worth giving him a chance in the new year.

One thing I did want to share though. I was never a jealous person at all. Never understood it. Always thought if you don't trust them, leave them. But when I met my fiancé that changed. I'm still not some crazy jealous person issuing ultimatums. But I do get the odd pang of jealousy when he's chatty with other women (married, clients, work conversations), dislike any woman he previously fancied and occasionally issue "you'd better never do that's" when we see bad behaviour on TV. I totally trust him. I just live him so much it brings out this bit of jealousy. So I wonder if you're not jealous at all, not even a little bit, do you really like him enough. Enough to put up with his issues?

[IWannaSeeHowItEnds]

I agree that this could go either way. On the one hand, he booked the trip in the expectation that it would be filled with single men. He was honest - if he hadn't told you that too would be a problem. We all come with baggage by the time we get to our 40's and have previous relationship histories. I'd not condemn a person for not being totally 'healthy' in outlook.

But, the double standards could be setting you up for some arch manipulation further down the line. We can't tell you what sort of man he is deep down. You don't want his issues to become your problem. You are right not to accept his double standards - understanding his insecurities should not mean that you alter your life/behaviour (ie trip in Jan with ex present) to accommodate potentially controlling behaviour.

So my advice is to keep an eye on things, dont let him move in and keep your oen independent life. Then if it works out, he will be a nice addition to your life, but if it doesn't, you won't have a bloody mess to untangle.

You have children, so if things progress here, you have to be super vigilant that his miserable approach to Christmas doesn't impact on them.

[Cricrichan]

It sounds quite complicated if you're already booking and cancelling holidays together.

My dh is very jealous and so was my ex. It's absolutely awful being with a jealous man. You end up changing your behaviour and not doing things because it's not worth the grief of it making him jealous. I would never get together with a jealous man again. I didn't know the warning signs at the time but I know now.

[RedForFilth]

After just 7 months if I was feeling uneasy about anything at all I'd sack it off. Even the big argument would have been enough for me! But I have very low tolerance for bullshit after years of abuse so don't know how relevant my advice is!

[iBiscuit]

Nobody should be having big rows so soon in a relationship, especially not people beyond their early 20s.

It doesn't bode well, regardless of the other stuff. Dump his dysfunctional arse.

[WeAllHaveWings]

You have dc, possibily will have dgc one day. Can you be bothered with every xmas being all about him, his ishoos around it and no consideration for others? I couldn’t.

As you get to know him better (7 months is still very much the honeymoon period), you’ll see more and more of these issues and other double standards. There are too many red flags in your op, especially when you have dc to consider.

[iBiscuit]

God yes, WeAll - eggshells every bloody Christmas (and birthdays, anniversaries, weekends, weekdays...).

You don't need that shit, op.

[LilaoftheGreenwood]

OP, I'd simply take note of the fact that you're already managing your reactions to him and trying to figure out what he means by things he says and does. You'll presumably have to turn up to your family meals and explain why he isn't there and act completely ok about it. You had to cover the costs of the cancelled holiday. You've already had a screaming row with him. You've had to take on his hatred of Christmas as a characteristic and it's plainly not easy for you to do that because of your DC and your mum. He admits he is the jealous type, you've had to take on that as well as something to monitor. You started this thread.

All of that is emotional labour. It's not about him being deliberately manipulative or nasty. What exactly has he had to take on board about you that makes his emotional and psychological life a little bit harder? How have you inconvenienced him at all, thus far?

Posters implying you just need to try a bit harder, have a bit more patience etc might have a point if you'd been with him ten years and had a family with him. This seems quite a draining and unnecessary amount of maintenance work to be doing on a 7 month old relationship when it should be joyous and fun.

[iBiscuit]

Excellent post, Lila

So much is made of having to work at relationships. Yes of course sometimes relationships involve some compromise and effort. But they shouldn't be such hard work.

[Bouledeneige]

Well its subtle - but I'd feel a bit uncomfortable. Its actually not that he'd want to go away for Christmas - after 7 months I wouldn't expect to spend Christmas day together - I have my own family stuff to do and wouldn't need my boyfriend to be there.

But he is going for a long time - and I'd be sorry about that. Its not that easy after Christmas when the kids go off with their dad and its nice to have a partner to do something with. He obviously didnt feel that way. And the notification of being away with lots of women and the double standard? Not so happy with that. Its not so big you'd feel justified in objecting but its just something that would make me feel a bit uncomfortable/unhappy.

On balance, I'd be wary about continuing the relationship.... I just think these are signs of something that will needle, slowly and quietly twist a knife in your side. Just instinct - it doesn't feel quite right.