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Relationships

AIBU re dp going away on his own for xmas

126 replies

SingSam · 18/12/2017 10:44

we have only been going out around 7 months. Dp hates xmas and I can understand that. He was adopted and he had a very difficult childhood. He does not enjoy Xmas and I understand his feelings on this. He is in his 50s, has no kids and feels absolutely no compunction for hanging around for xmas.

We had planned to go away together on boxing day but had a massive fight around a week ago where we agreed we would split up. I expect it was actually the pressure of Xmas plans getting to both of us. I too did not have an easy childhood but have 2 kids now so I do make an effort at xmas for them. My mum died last year so I also feel v sad at xmas.

When we split up, I cancelled the holiday because I would have lost all the money on it (I paid for this one, he paid for the last one). It sent him an email and once he saw it was cancelled, he booked to go away over the whole period.

Dp is a very nice guy but he also acknowledges that he gets quite jealous and he fully holds his hands up to that. I am not a jealous person at all by nature.

We got back together a few days ago and last night he sat down and told me he had booked this holiday. It's to go ski-ing. I don't ski at all, never have, never will and I also have the kids for half the time he's away (who also don't ski) so there is no chance I could go with him (and it is also over Xmas and we have planned meals out with family that have been pre paid etc.).

It is on a ski course and he told me it is normally a load of single blokes and sometimes couples because who else goes away over xmas (it's from the 22nd to the 31st). He doesn't want to cancel it because he loves skiing but also because he just doesn't want to be here at xmas.

There are 2 meals which were prepaid for which he's not coming to but one place has been filled and the other, the place said they would refund me so I've not lost out on any money. I've lost money on the flights as those were non refundable but didn't lose on the hotel as I cancelled just in time. We were going away from the 26th to the 2nd.

He's just called me to say that he's got the list of the people on the course and bar one married couple and one bloke, the rest all appear to be single women and they are staying in a chalet together from the 22nd to the 31st. He has said if it was me, going away on a holiday on my own with a load of single blokes, he would not be happy at all and he doubts he would put up with it. But he loves me loads, he really just wants to go ski-ing and wants to avoid Xmas etc. etc.

I really don't know how to think about this. We've only just got back together and I understand why he booked it. And why shouldn't he go skiing if xmas makes him so miserable but i think it's the fact that if the tables were turned, there is no way I could go away like this and continue the relationship so it feels very double standardish.

OP posts:
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Twofishfingers · 18/12/2017 14:57

He sounds very high maintenance to me. Can't stand men like this.

If he doesn't enjoy Christmas it's his business, wtf entitles him to try and make yours miserable?

Honestly, run a mile. Just tell him 'it's me, not you' and 'I'm not ready for a relationship' bullshit. Then run a mile and enjoy YOUR Christmas.

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expatinscotland · 18/12/2017 15:05

'He has said if it was me, going away on a holiday on my own with a load of single blokes, he would not be happy at all and he doubts he would put up with it. But he loves me loads, he really just wants to go ski-ing and wants to avoid Xmas etc. etc.'

You've already split once, now he's telling you this. You lost money on the flights, too. Did he offer to pay for his? I would have offered with friends, not to mention boyfriends.

'No one can even try a bit of balance and to see that he told the OP he'd booked the trip and it was typically single blokes and the odd couple - which is true although more women are going on these trips these days which pleases me - and then when he got the listing through from the company it turned out there wasn't the case and he thought better to be open about that then have the OP subsequently discover the gender mix of the group was very different from the one he'd led her to believe it would be. Because it wold be an issue for him so he wants to be open about it. '

But it's all up to her to strive for this 'bit of balance' with a jealous man who told her 'Yep, turns out lots of women going on this one, but if the tables were turned I wouldn't put up with it, but I'm going anyway because, well, you put up with it.'

No wonder so many end up in shite relationships.

Because they'd rather be with a twat than alone and think it has to be tons of work like this five minutes in.

She barely knows the guy and they've already split up once, he's cost her money on lost flights, he's jealous, he's a joyless buzzkill about the holidays and if she goes on holiday, he will doubtless want to know how many men will be there because, after all, he told her he was jealous.

And she's the one who needs to strive for 'a bit of balance'.

Jealousy is not about loving. It's about possessing and controlling. It's a gateway behaviour and should always be taken for the huge red flag it is.

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expatinscotland · 18/12/2017 15:06

Out of curiosity, what was the massive row that split you up about?

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Nikephorus · 18/12/2017 15:09

No one can even try a bit of balance and to see that he told the OP he'd booked the trip and it was typically single blokes and the odd couple - which is true although more women are going on these trips these days which pleases me - and then when he got the listing through from the company it turned out there wasn't the case and he thought better to be open about that then have the OP subsequently discover the gender mix of the group was very different from the one he'd led her to believe it would be. Because it wold be an issue for him so he wants to be open about it.
This ^^^! I'm not even convinced about the double standards because although he says he doubts he would put up with it, this could be him acknowledging that his jealousy would screw it up.
But still, on Mumsnet it's so much more fun to tell someone to LTB and ruin any chances of happiness that they might have. Hmm

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ChickenMom · 18/12/2017 15:09

Blimey. He sounds like hard work. I’d wish him a lovely holiday, tell him to get back in touch when he gets back,not make effort to contact him at all while he’s away and spend xmas hols having fun with your kids and thinking about if this is really the sort of guy you want to be with. We’ve all had tricky upbringings in one fashion or another. None of us are perfect but he seems to be Uber difficult!

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Schoolofchristmas · 18/12/2017 15:15

To be honest having not yet read all the thread I saw the first bit and thought oh well it's fine. Fairly new relationship, only a few months, no issue with him going alone.

But the this bit makes him seem like a very big twat

'He's just called me to say that he's got the list of the people on the course and bar one married couple and one bloke, the rest all appear to be single women and they are staying in a chalet together from the 22nd to the 31st. He has said if it was me, going away on a holiday on my own with a load of single blokes, he would not be happy at all and he doubts he would put up with it. But he loves me loads, he really just wants to go ski-ing and wants to avoid Xmas etc. etc.'

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Viviennemary · 18/12/2017 15:17

He sounds as if he a very much I'll do what I like doing type of person. But for a reasonably happy relationship there has to be compromise or else it's a waste of time. Nobody is to blame here over the cancelled holidays. You cancelled which was fair enough and then he booked another holiday. I don't think he should have to cancel that. See how things go when he gets back but if it doesn't move forward you'll have to call it a day. But re-reading your post he is the selfish one here. I'd say.

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Josuk · 18/12/2017 15:17

OP - you were broken up, and he booked a skiing trip. And loves skiing.
If you didn’t break up - it would be all different, but it is where you are.

For what it’s worth - I think he is acknowledging his jealousy and saying that for him it’d be difficult to deal with that situation if it were flipped. I don’t think it’s a double standards situation.

As for ‘single’ women on that trip.
If the only way he is not cheating on you is because of lack of access to available women - in the office, in public transportation, in cafes - then yes - him being around single women in a cramped chalet is an issue.
Otherwise - let him have fun skiing. As you say - you don’t like it and are unlikely to join him on another skiing trip.

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expatinscotland · 18/12/2017 15:22

'But still, on Mumsnet it's so much more fun to tell someone to LTB and ruin any chances of happiness that they might have. hmm'

They're already split once. He's the jealous type. She lost money on the flights. She could have lost money on meals she prepaid for. They've been back together a few days and he tells her if she wants a holiday like his then it's a dealbreaker for him but that it shouldn't be for her because 'he loves her loads.' She says, 'but i think it's the fact that if the tables were turned, there is no way I could go away like this and continue the relationship so it feels very double standardish.'

Every time she wants to go away on her own he'll be quizzing her about who's going, any single blokes, and threatening to leave if it's not to his liking.

Yeah, sounds like a recipe for long-term happiness there!

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Joysmum · 18/12/2017 15:27

So what would everyone prefer, that he didn’t tell the OP about who was going and lied by omission?

Or be open and honest about it?

Only the OP can make the call on what his intentions were by telling her as there are numerous possibilities.

I too would have booked to go away still in this situation because being away is better than being home alone over a period you loathe. That was actually what he was going to do anyway, with the OP before they split up!

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HeckyPeck · 18/12/2017 16:26

So what would everyone prefer, that he didn’t tell the OP about who was going and lied by omission?

I'm glad he told the OP and that he told her he wouldn't put up with the reverse situation.

Good to know early on what he's like so OP can decide if that's the kind of person she wants to be with.

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ananova · 18/12/2017 16:35

But it's all up to her to strive for this 'bit of balance'

No, it's for the posters on here stating that this man is all sorts of evil who need to get a bit of fucking balance.

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ananova · 18/12/2017 16:53

If he doesn't enjoy Christmas it's his business, wtf entitles him to try and make yours miserable?

He isn't. They split up. He booked a trip away to do something he loves that you can only do at very limited times and in limited places. They've got back together and he still really wants to go away and I don't blame him. I'm leaving for the Alps on Thursday and I can't bloody wait! Not only do I hate Christmas in the UK, this is the best snow season for years.

Maybe he's an evil bastard or maybe he's saying "look, I still really want to go and this may look like a "singles holiday" from the set-up of the group when I told you it wouldn't be mostly lone blokes, and I have to admit I'm jealous and wouldn't be able to cope if the roles were reversed, but I still really want to go and not because I don't love you but because I really want to do this trip. Will you still be there when I get back?"

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BrandNewHouse · 18/12/2017 16:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ananova · 18/12/2017 16:59

OP do you have a pet that he is jealous of already?

Oooh yes, I bet he's evil towards animals too.

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SingSam · 18/12/2017 17:19

lol ananova, no I have no pets he is jealous of. But I do have children and he hasn't eaten them yet.

I have no doubt that he absolutely expected this to be a load of single blokes ski-ing over Xmas. He's done this before (this course, but a level below) at the same time and that's what he was. He expected that and when the list came through, it wasn't what he thought and he told me, in the spirit of being open and honest. I have no problem who he goes ski-ing with. Whoever they were. If it was obviously a singles trip, set up as one, with the specific purpose being hook ups, then I would have an issue but it genuinely wasn't. He loves ski-ing, the snow is good this year and he wanted to go and he thought we had broken up.

It was his comments about the role reversal that got me. On the back of this thread I gave him a ring to discuss everything. i'm busy this week so won't have time for a face to face. I wished him a lovely holiday but told him to really think about his comment. And if he really felt this way, then there wasn't much point in us carrying on any further.

He was single for a few years before meeting me (as was I). But what he hadn't told me was the reason he was single is that he was due to be married and his finance went on holiday with her mates just before the wedding and slept with someone. Came back, broke up with him, eventually got engaged to this other bloke she had the fling with, and it totally broke his heart. He had to go to counselling. He believes he is ready for a new relationship, but he has some insecurity now because of what happened.

I am going on a work conference (abroad) in Jan and it so happens that one of my ex boyf is going to be there. He knows that. He has said he has not mentioned it once to me - any issues he might have with it (that is true, this is the first time). He said he is working very hard on these issues and he has been trying to deal with them. And his comment was more about his insecurity than mine (which I think we all knew).

I told him I appreciated his honesty, I hoped he had a lovely trip and I'd see him when he got back.

OP posts:
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happypoobum · 18/12/2017 17:25

This is just some bloke you have been dating on and off for seven months.

He sounds like a manchild to me.

I wouldn't bother with him when he gets back, no time for tedious drama in my life.

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CR7987 · 18/12/2017 17:39

I can't see what he has done wrong for most of the post but then the end bit ruined it for him.

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AmeliaFlashtart · 18/12/2017 17:44

7 months in I sort of think you should both be all excited at spending Christmas together. Wish him a nice holiday, then move on without him and start the New Year afresh.

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ananova · 18/12/2017 17:46

I'm really pleased for you SingSam. He's got ishooos (haven't we all) and these are both stemming from childhood and relationship screw ups in our latter years. It may be that his insecurities turn out to be too much for the relationship but I'm really glad you didn't LTB on the back of this thread.

I hope you have a lovely Christmas with your kids and remember the good times with your mum, and that 2018 is a good one for you, whether that's with our without a partner.

Can guarantee you'll get some people being very dubious about the ex-fiance... you sound switched on enough to work this out for yourself.

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ZeroFeedback · 18/12/2017 18:10

So, his ex fiancée went on holiday, slept with someone else and left him for the OM. This experience means he struggles not to overthink and project that scenario onto his new relationship and the world around him..

Sounds like he has a lot in common with some of the PPs in this thread.

Other than - he has been receiving counselling for it and has admitted to the OP that he knows it could affect the way he behaves in this relationship.

FWIW, I would look try to take what he says at face value on this occasion (he would lose all his money on a cancellation now). That said, you know what to look out for OP - enjoy your Christmas.

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AngelsSins · 18/12/2017 18:31

The holiday wouldn't be a problem for me at all, the jealously and double standards would be a massive problem though.

If he admits this is HIS issue to work on and doesn't expect you to not go out or whatever to make him feel better, then maybe he has a chance. Just be careful,nothing worse than a controlling man in a relationship.

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Whocansay · 18/12/2017 19:06

Please ditch him. He's one of those people who refuse to take responsibility. He had a bad childhood. His ex cheated. So because of this it's OK for him to behave badly to you? Fuck that.

He told you about the women in the chalet purely to make you jealous. He didn't even need to mention it. And how on earth does know that they are single? He is a tool.

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Joysmum · 18/12/2017 19:12

He said he is working very hard on these issues and he has been trying to deal with them. And his comment was more about his insecurity than mine (which I think we all knew)

It’s one thing ‘saying’ he is working on his issues, it’s another to actually be doing so.

You can be alert to this as a potential issue.

I have my issues of jealousy and insecurity due to my previous and that’s ok to my change because I demonstrated over the years that those problems were mine and I was changing them.

Run a mile if you suspect he’s just playing lip service though Wink

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ananova · 18/12/2017 19:41

He told you about the women in the chalet purely to make you jealous. He didn't even need to mention it

Dear MN Relationships experts:

DP and I had a big row and agreed to split up. We were supposed to be going away and DP sent me an email to say he'd cancelled our holiday booking. So I was then looking at the prospect of having broken up with my DP and alone at Christmas. I immediately booked a last-minute deal for a ski holiday where you have 5-6 days of all day professional instruction and then your food and accommodation is all inclusive. Great - Christmas when you are single is hard enough but sitting at home in the UK alone when should have been going away with my DP would really have been horrible.

So DP and I have sorted it out and got together, but I've booked this trip now. I told him it was just going to be a load of single woman and it wasn't a "singles trip" and he is ok with me going. I've just found out it's going to be a load of single men and think this looks really shit and like I'm going off on a hook up holiday because I booked it when we weren't together. I still really want to go... but now I've told him I'll be away with a load of women and in fact it's going to be a load of men, WIBU to tell him and just be honest about it? I really love him and don't want him to think I a) booked a singles hook up trip minutes after I split up with him or b) not be able to Skype him or send any photos because he thinks it's all women and in fact it's all men. I know I would dump him if I thought he'd deliberately tired to hide the reality of his trip from me.

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