AIBU re dp going away on his own for xmas

[SingSam]

we have only been going out around 7 months. Dp hates xmas and I can understand that. He was adopted and he had a very difficult childhood. He does not enjoy Xmas and I understand his feelings on this. He is in his 50s, has no kids and feels absolutely no compunction for hanging around for xmas.

We had planned to go away together on boxing day but had a massive fight around a week ago where we agreed we would split up. I expect it was actually the pressure of Xmas plans getting to both of us. I too did not have an easy childhood but have 2 kids now so I do make an effort at xmas for them. My mum died last year so I also feel v sad at xmas.

When we split up, I cancelled the holiday because I would have lost all the money on it (I paid for this one, he paid for the last one). It sent him an email and once he saw it was cancelled, he booked to go away over the whole period.

Dp is a very nice guy but he also acknowledges that he gets quite jealous and he fully holds his hands up to that. I am not a jealous person at all by nature.

We got back together a few days ago and last night he sat down and told me he had booked this holiday. It's to go ski-ing. I don't ski at all, never have, never will and I also have the kids for half the time he's away (who also don't ski) so there is no chance I could go with him (and it is also over Xmas and we have planned meals out with family that have been pre paid etc.).

It is on a ski course and he told me it is normally a load of single blokes and sometimes couples because who else goes away over xmas (it's from the 22nd to the 31st). He doesn't want to cancel it because he loves skiing but also because he just doesn't want to be here at xmas.

There are 2 meals which were prepaid for which he's not coming to but one place has been filled and the other, the place said they would refund me so I've not lost out on any money. I've lost money on the flights as those were non refundable but didn't lose on the hotel as I cancelled just in time. We were going away from the 26th to the 2nd.

He's just called me to say that he's got the list of the people on the course and bar one married couple and one bloke, the rest all appear to be single women and they are staying in a chalet together from the 22nd to the 31st. He has said if it was me, going away on a holiday on my own with a load of single blokes, he would not be happy at all and he doubts he would put up with it. But he loves me loads, he really just wants to go ski-ing and wants to avoid Xmas etc. etc.

I really don't know how to think about this. We've only just got back together and I understand why he booked it. And why shouldn't he go skiing if xmas makes him so miserable but i think it's the fact that if the tables were turned, there is no way I could go away like this and continue the relationship so it feels very double standardish.

[321namechange]

You've only been together 7 months so not spending Christmas together doesn't seem odd to me.

Just tell him you trust him, to enjoy the skiing and then you decide after Christmas whether you want him in your life.

[ananova]

This is the best Christmas/New Year snow in YEARS and he loves skiing - I bet he wants to go! You were on a break, cancelled his holiday and he booked this, so fine, no issue with him going.

I can see what you're saying about feeling annoyed that he would break up with you if you went on a trip with a lot of single men. I have done trips like this where in fact it's been mainly single men and DH is fine with it, and I would be less fine with it if roles were reversed as I'm more of an anxious/insecure/jealous person than him, though I do trust him completely (well as much as you can trust anyone) and would of course 'let' him go... but in all honestly I would feel a bit put out but would admit that to him and know that it was my issue, not his. And yes my possessive issues do stem from the fact I had a fucked up childhood but I know that and it helps me keep them at bay most of the time.

You've only been together 7 months. Enjoy your Christmas and see how you feel when he gets back, but being with an insecure partner can be very, very hard work.

[Iwantamarshmallow]

I don’t think he's done anything wrong. You split up and you made the decision to cancel your joint holiday . He booked his own holiday because he was single. It’s not his fault there will be single woman there. if you trust him I don’t see a problem

[ananova]

People who don't like Christmas surely just hunker down with food and the telly, not whisk themselves off to an alpine idyll

eh? Out all day in the gorgeous mountains doing a sport you love an can only do in very limited places at very limited times of the year versus sitting on the sofa in the grim weather of the UK with food and shit telly??

I really don't get your point at all??

It is very normal to spend a week with a bunch of strangers who are also massively into the sport you are and enjoy the mountains too.

DH and I go off skiing at Christmas all the time and if we weren't together I would absolutely go alone.

[category12]

He's in his fifties and still blaming his childhood?

[bibliomania]

I wouldn't have any problem with him going on the trip, but what really bothers me is that he says he wouldn't accept you going away on an equivalent trip. How dare he try to control you like that? Okay, it's hypothetical now, but it looks to me like he's testing your boundaries with regard to what you would find acceptable in terms of him laying down the law for you.

[PeonyBucket]

People who don't like Christmas surely just hunker down with food and the telly, not whisk themselves off to an alpine idyll

I'd have thought that, finances allowing, that's precisely the sort of thing they would do.

[ananova]

How does he know they are single? Is there a relationship status beside their name on the list?

You get the room allocations on these courses so you can see if it's two people sharing a room (always same sex if singles and is the cheaper option than a single room). So no, perhaps they are not single but I would also guess those not travelling in a mixed couple at Christmas were. DH and I do these together skiing and separately hiking (me), cycling (him). If I suddenly found myself single at Christmas and the snow is as it is this year, I would book myself onto a trip like this in a heartbeat.

The issue is the subsequent discussion of his insecurities and jealousy, not the fact he booked this trip and still wants to go.

[expatinscotland]

I cannot believe how many have spectacularly missed the point and the GIANT red flag waving in front of your face, OP. Fuck the holiday, and Xmas, and keep re-reading this:
'He's just called me to say that he's got the list of the people on the course and bar one married couple and one bloke, the rest all appear to be single women and they are staying in a chalet together from the 22nd to the 31st. He has said if it was me, going away on a holiday on my own with a load of single blokes, he would not be happy at all and he doubts he would put up with it. But he loves me loads, he really just wants to go ski-ing and wants to avoid Xmas etc. etc.'

When people tell you who they are, listen. He's telling you this: he expects you to behave one way, because he's the jealous type (a HUGE red flag) but he gets to behave exactly as he pleases. He's telling you he's an insecure, needy manchild.

GET RID!

[MaybeDoctor]

Skiing is quite a social type of holiday in that you do end up skiing with and hanging out with new people - so nothing odd in what has been organised.

But I would also say clearly to him that his double-standards are not ok - if at some point in the future you want to do a deep-sea diving course with a lot of single men, then that has to be ok too!

Send him a Merry Christmas text, but apart from that I think you just need to let the dust settle and see where you are in the new year.

[MyStomachHurts]

He's just called me to say that he's got the list of the people on the course and bar one married couple and one bloke, the rest all appear to be single women and they are staying in a chalet together

Everything other than the above seems fine.

Why would he provide you with this information? I think he wants to make you jealous which is really unattractive.

[expatinscotland]

Yeah, the trying to make you jealous so you can have a big row over it. You've had a 'massive' fight already and you've been with him the dating equivalent of 5 minutes. He's a shit boyfriend, not a partner.

[ananova]

I don't think he wants to make her jealous. I think he absolutely knows it would be a deal-breaker for him because of his jealousy and is trying to do "the right thing" by being open and honest about this because he still wants to go and he told her it would be single men and then found out it wouldn't be (I would have also predicted more more than women from experience of these courses). He would not be able to handle it and is making an issue out of it because of that.

And it's a good thing that he has because, as you already spotted yourself OP, this is dangerous double standards and really doesn't bode well. Speak to him about/focus on that OP, not the fact he wants to go on the ski course.

[CharisMama]

It sounds like he wants the part-time ''family'' set up (with girlfriend obviously) for when there's nothing going on but he is not going to miss any of the good stuff about being a single man. Being a single man has pros and cons and he has you for the hum drum day in day out and when the singletons go off to play he has no real responsibility to you either. nice for him!

I do not say singleton in a disparaging way. I'm single myself, but with two children I don't have the freedom to go skiing either.

I cannot be bothered with relationships unless they're EASY any more. I tried for a few years. It's never easy.

[Lovemusic33]

You have only been together 7 months and he’s already being a twat? He should be looking forward to spending Christmas with you but he would rather go skiing with a load of strangers and keeps rubbing your nose in it by saying most of them are women?

Tell him to go but you won’t be waiting for him on your return.

[CharisMama]

True expat, a man you've been with for a wet weekend who makes you feel shit is not a partner in any sense.

[TidyBadger]

Cheerfully wave him off and enjoy your Christmas with your children.

I don't think he was in the wrong for booking the holiday as you were on a break.

He does sound a little like he wants you to beg him to stay though. Personally I couldn't deal with that type of ego.

He is also the jealous type.

[ananova]

Did he keep rubbing her nose in it? Or did he call her once and say that he'd seen the group is mainly women and that he wouldn't be happy with her going if the roles were reversed but he still wants to go? (hence red flag of double standards).

Dh and I had been together for 10 months by the time the first Christmas came and we spent it separately. Do not think it's weird to not spend Christmas together after 7 months.

[diddl]

My goodness-such hard work!

Get rid!

[RebeccaWrongDaily]

7 months? Who could be arsed with this level of fuckery.

I can't believe you were thinking of spending first Xmas without your mum with your kids and someone who you / they can barely know?

Get rid of him.

[becotide]

he's a teenaged brat

[Inertia]

Think I'd bin him off- the key thing for me is not the holiday, it's the fact that he won't put his opinions about Christmas aside to help your children celebrate, which indicates that long-term you'd spend Christmas under a cloud with him, and that's no fun for children.

[Inertia]

And it's a wider issue than just Christmas if his opinions always have to outweigh everyone else's because he won't compromise.

[fruitbrewhaha]

He sounds very young. I get that he has issues from when he was younger but he really needs to grow up.
I think I'd give him a swerve if I were you. He sounds terribly insecure and unkind.

[FinallyHere]

Wot AJPTaylor said, wish he a lovely time, have a lovely time yourself and have a think about what he adds to your life.

[p.s. Wouldn't normally even mention this, but I am keeping my fingers crossed that he is on holiday with an LGBT group, just sayin'].