Blackmail

[user21]

It’s tricky for me to go into detail but I think I may have just done this.

Has anyone else ever found themselves in this situation on either side for whatever reason?

I feel uneasy 😟

I'm really sorry that he hurt you. I honestly am.
But that doesn't make it right.
The fact that you've asked this question shows you know it's wrong. Don't lower yourself to his level. It will only make you feel bad about yourself.
Take a step back and be kind to yourself

If the person you want to blackmail has been the cause of you needing therapy, do you not think it's healthier all round to walk away from this, from him, go no contact?

This person is obviously a negative part of part of your life - I'm curious why 2 years of therapy hasn't yet led you to just get rid of him?

Don’t threaten others

How dare you try to make others do what you want them to do.

You clearly have issues around this, your blaming your woes on him, when it’s your choice to live as you do, allow those around you to treat you as they do, or you leave them behind and find people who do value you.

The only person you should be courting to love and appreciate you is YOU.

Whoever this guy is, he’s bad news for you. So rewrite the script.

Don’t stoop to petty games, live well.

You’re... not your blaming

If people make threats to me, I say go for it, fill your boots, won’t make you a better person and whatever storm comes, I’ll weather, and you’ll still be pathetic and spluttering and wishing I’d do as you tell me... nope. Not happening.

If you have to resort to threats and blackmail, you’ve lost. Give it up, get your coat and go home and think about wtf you’re doing.

I’m trying to get rid of him but he won’t go.

His actions have had a massive impact on my life and none on his because I’ve protected him.

I have lost most things anyway Hissy and I’m just trying to hang on to what’s left.

What are your motives? And who will be hurt by your blackmail?

If it's a case of: 'if you give me the silent treatment one more time I will leave', then I don't see it as blackmail. Your motive is to have a healthy relationship and protect your self-respect and your respect of the other person.

If it's: 'if you don't leave her for me then I'll tell her everything', then your motivation is spite and the need to punish someone because they didn't give you what you want. Self respect and respect for the other people involved is non-existent. Everyone gets hurt.

If it's: 'if you don't tell my brother that you have cheated on him then I will', then your motivation is to protect your loved ones and 'do the right thing'. Your self respect may still be intact, as is the respect you have for your brother. Everyone may still get hurt in the aftermath of the revelation though.

Then you're not trying hard enough.

That sounds glib, I know.

But - you tell him to stay the fuck away from you, and if he doesn't, you speak to the police. Harassment is an offence.

If you have children with him then it's harder to manage the contact within acceptable boundaries.

But if you don't... then he doesn't have a choice to refuse to go. Don't give him that power.

You need to go through 'proper' channels.
Have you spoken to Women's Aid?
You don't owe him protection.

So many questions here...
Are you saying you want to do whatever it is because things hes done to you? Did you allow yourself to have those things done to you for example maybe allowing yourself to be used by him (i.e. played your part)? Will your actions hurt innocent people? Would the potential outcome of your actions balance or outweigh the wrongs he has done to you? Is the effect, emotional or otherwise of whatever he has done, or asked you to do to make you feel this way something that given time would fade as you moved on with your life? Maybe some things to consider...dont do anything in haste.

Thank you smarmydrippings but it’s nothing like that.

Is it like this?

1. He has done something wrong. You have covered up for him. That was wrong of you. Now you are not covering for him any more. That's good.

1. He is badgering you somehow to go back to doing the wrong thing. You told him to leave you alone or you would tell on him for the things he did before that you covered for him for.

1. You don't want to tell us that you are the OW and it's his wife you'll tell because you'll get piled on and you already feel shit and stupid for being OW to a total dickhead.

Did he borrow money from you during the affair that you want back maybe?

RunRabbit
Mostly 1 but I wrongly assumed he would do the right thing, he hasn’t so I’m trying to force him to do this with the threat of exposure.

Definitely not 3.
I am not the OW.

Has this person done something to you that you have kept hidden and you have threatened to make it public if they don't leave you alone?

So this guy isn't your partner, but you've been in therapy for 2 years because of him and you feel you've lost everything anyway? Is it an ex-partner, or more a relative? If you do expose him who else will it affect?

Or is it more like your OH has had an affair, and you think the OH of the OW should be told?

That's not blackmail.

Giving a person the chance to do the right thing themselves before you do it for them is neither blackmail nor extortion.

It would be demonstrating healthy boundaries and respect for other people in my opinion.

Of course it depends entirely on the situation. Given that it's not blackmail why not describe the actual situation and get the collective wisdom.of MN?

Hi Everybody

I need some help with a vague and dubious situation. I can't tell you anything about it. It's ever so complicated. Help me please, what should I do? has this kind of thing happened to you?

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...why won't you help meeeeee????? waaaaaahhhh

please share your similar stories about my vague and dubious situation....

This is soooooo irritating but like a car crash - I can't stop Looking! Just spill OP we are dying to know.

I may be wrong but could this be related to your dad? This won't make you feel better. It will also ruin any progress you made in those two years of therapy. Best thing to do for your own mental health is to let it go. I know it sounds easier said than done but honestly nothing will make you feel better than knowing you are being the bigger person.

Think it depends. If you’ve said to you’re partner if x or y doesn’t change then you can’t continue to live/will leave

I told my ex husband. I couldn’t continue living being abused and having no money because of his cocaine addiction. I told him if he didn’t get help and stop I would leave. I then left. That to me wasn’t blackmail

00100011 or whatever.

You are exactly the type of poster who stops me sharing details. I suspect you have no experience of blackmail or have anything relevant to say.
This is my life, not a source of entertainment for you on a Friday morning. You haven’t got what you want so you have resorted to mocking me.