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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Blackmail

125 replies

user21 · 14/12/2017 15:20

It’s tricky for me to go into detail but I think I may have just done this.

Has anyone else ever found themselves in this situation on either side for whatever reason?

I feel uneasy 😟

OP posts:
Original poster
user21 · 15/12/2017 08:01

It’s personal behaviour, nothing criminal.

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 15/12/2017 08:02

But how can anybody help you decide whether to carry your threat through if you won’t say what it is?

Toooldtobearsed · 15/12/2017 08:04

So, hypothetically speaking, if you were the OW and the relationship had broken down, you could be 'blackmailing' him by saying 'you tell your wife, or I will'?

Is it that type of thing?

Eolian · 15/12/2017 08:05

It is impossible to make even a vaguely useful comment without knowing the details. You might be being completely reasonable or completely unreasonable or anything in between for all we know!

ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 15/12/2017 08:09

I’m not sure on the situation here but is it something like “If you take this promotion to work away when you know I need you here then I will divorce you and you will be paying me more than your promotions worth in child support anyway” as oppose to actual criminal blackmail? X

Penfold007 · 15/12/2017 08:10

OP your behaviour may well be criminal. Are you prepared to be arrested, charged and taken to court?

Original poster
user21 · 15/12/2017 08:13

I want to make my own decision which is why I’m reluctant to divulge further. It’s also a complex situation.

Toooldtobearsed
Yes. It’s something like that.

OP posts:
worriedaboutchristmas · 15/12/2017 08:14

I have blackmailed someone. I did some work for her (fixing a computer) as part of what was originally an insurance claim (she asked me to submit a quote for the repair as it was covered by insurance) she then asked if I could do the work cheaper if she paid in cash to "cut out the hassle of the insurer"

I did the work discounted as she was a friend, but she then refused to pay, asking for more discounts, not happy that some documents could not be recovered etc (all discussed before work was carried out)

I suspected that she HAD claimed the full amount from the insurer and effective ripped me off anyway- I told her that if she didn't pay I would approach the insurers with my invoice- showing the discount and thereby potentially exposing her fraudulent claim (if she'd made it) she paid immediately- so I presume she DID commit insurance fraud and that my blackmail of her was effective.

I sometimes feel bad, but I couldn't afford to chase her through court and needed the money desperately. Perhaps I should have shopped her anyway, I don't know.

Original poster
user21 · 15/12/2017 08:14

ItStartedWithAKiss241
Also similar but he’s not my partner.

OP posts:
Original poster
user21 · 15/12/2017 08:18

Thank you worriedaboutchristmas
That seems reasonable but it’s interesting you feel bad about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
user21 · 15/12/2017 08:27

I don’t want to feel bad about it.
The reason I’m even considering this is to make me feel better.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 15/12/2017 08:31

Too vague really

Possibly sounds more of an ultimatum

worriedaboutchristmas · 15/12/2017 08:33

I feel bad because though I got my desired outcome, the fact is my integrity is compromised. I suspected she was claiming and taking a backhand. If I didn't agree to that I shouldn't have done it. I shouldn't have let myself be in a position where I couldn't pursue her in an honest manner (courts)

People do things that aren't good. That doesn't mean I am happy that I did the same. Good luck op.

LineyRunner · 15/12/2017 08:38

So is it more of a, ' you tell her/him or I will, because I'm sick of keeping your grubby little secret'?

SpartonDregs · 15/12/2017 08:40

Good heavens.
Nobody knows you.
If you actually want advice then present the actual problem in order for people to respond.
It is that simple.

SD1978 · 15/12/2017 08:46

Sorry, but this is irritating. I want to make up my own mind about a situation that I don’t want to tell you about, with someone who has done something that I may or may not reveal to someone, and I want advice if lube done similar, so keep guessing. Some of you are warmer than others but I will stay quiet and make my own decisions. Why bother posing it as a question at all?

Original poster
user21 · 15/12/2017 08:56

I haven’t asked for advice.
I’ve asked if others would be prepared to share their experiences and some kindly have.

Yes lineyrunner. Similar to that but more of a ‘if you don’t do xxx I will tell’
It’s not for financial gain.

OP posts:
PNGirl · 15/12/2017 08:57

If it's not to relieve yourself of a burdenous secret and is simply to get your own way, then that is petulant at best and abusive at worst.

SD1978 · 15/12/2017 08:58

Fair enough. But you have expected others in both situations, which may be completely different to what you’re alluding to, to share their stories and experiences, when you e already decided what to do regarding your own closely guarded situation. This is vague posting and seems highly unnecessary.

Original poster
user21 · 15/12/2017 09:00

If it’s irritating don’t continue to read or bother posting.

Thank you for explaining and the good luck wishes worriedaboutchristmas.
I think you’re right about the integrity part. I’m lowering myself to their level.

OP posts:
Kelsoooo · 15/12/2017 09:01

Having been blackmailed, coerced and "had an ultimatum" delivered. Personally I think it's pretty despicable.

On two of those occasions, I didn't deserve it. I had legitimately done nothing wrong. But all of my control was taken from me. I felt scared and alone and desperate with no one to turn to. Because I'd been isolated and had my worst fear tapped into.

The latter, I did kind of deserve it. But not the outcome. No one deserves that. That time ended with me desperately alone, and spiralling onto the longest and worst path of self destruction I've taken so far. All because of a flippant comment (which had no bearing on the person who issued the ultimatum, or anyone other than me, and one other person who would have laughed had he heard it) but she was so damn set on being morally right, as opposed to right.....

So yeah, think long and hard and perhaps try just being honest.

If it's an OW situation, you chose to be the OW and don't pretend you're doing it out of anything other than spite.

Original poster
user21 · 15/12/2017 09:03

I haven’t decided SD
It was a threat I made that now the time is approaching I’m questioning my decision.

OP posts:
Original poster
user21 · 15/12/2017 09:08

Thank you for posting Kelsoooo

OP posts:
Smarmydrippings · 15/12/2017 09:11

It's wrong.
My experience of emotional blackmail has completely fucked me up and I'm about to go into therapy for a year to two years, according to my mental health therapist.
So yeah. Go you.

Original poster
user21 · 15/12/2017 09:17

Smarmydrippings 💐
I’ve been in therapy for 2 years because of him.

OP posts: