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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Signed up to what....

124 replies

UpandOver14 · 13/12/2017 19:35

Married H 4 years ago, my first, his second & I get that he has to provide for his DCs but I question to what extent and he just doesn't see it. I work full time - always have, always will. we just about get by every month, don't go out, don't have the spare cash too etc. would be nice every once and while to simply go out for a drink or a meal to blow away the cobwebs. I feel like life's rushing by at speed and I am missing out.
He supports his ex and rightly so too but pays in excess of 1100 maintenance every month. His ex is out once or twice every weekend, always getting work down on their house (H still on mortgage), has holidays abroad every year and work very part time hours. H just doesn't see it. Christmas is coming, I'd love to provide for by DS but can't afford too. This isn't what I signed up for, what do I do

OP posts:

Offred · 15/12/2017 20:28

But it is none of the op’s business whether her h’s ex wife works full time or not! Why should he be prepared to discuss that?

It’s not about the money really is it, it’s about the op being jealous that his ex ‘only’ works part time...

userxx · 15/12/2017 20:34

I think it is her business when her husband is maintaining the ex, she's a grown woman with teenagers, surely she can maintain herself.

hattyhighlighter · 15/12/2017 20:36

They are his teenagers too userx so the responsibility for housing and supporting them, providing childcare and paying for them lies with both parents.
Anyway the OP knew her dh had a previous family who he was financially supporting, when she met him.

HipNewName · 15/12/2017 20:38

Crunchymom, I completely disagree. He has an agreement in place and bitching at him about it will only erode the relationship.

My DH’s best friend’s new wife is like this. It’s great for me, because any jealousy my DH felt that his friend had a new, young, slender wife went out the window when she started pressing for him to pay less for his child from his first marriage.

It’s a foolish thing to do. It’s got nothing to do with you, and he’s already walked out on one wife.

userxx · 15/12/2017 20:44

I'm not talking about supporting his kids, I'm talking about supporting the ex. Yes, both parents need to support the children equally but it sounds like he is doing the lions share whilst she chooses to work part time.

RickJames · 15/12/2017 20:49

It's not about walking out on a wife though, is It? Many couples have mutually desired divorces!

My husband pays nearly what the op's does. Technically, he's earning more now but also ex mum has gone full time at work now and has a new husband so the rate stays the same. You have to pay for your kids - if they are teens then its not for much longer anyway. My step son is a git - we give him what he needs. My step girl is an angel so we always sub her a bit extra. I take her shopping and let her go crazy. If my step son came to me and asked for something, I'd totally buy him it. I'm sure I'll be flamed for this but I believe they are mine too and I don't begrudge their 'maintenance' and I certainly don't deprive them extras when they spend time with me. It's a privilege to have young people in your life (even if they act like a git )

RickJames · 15/12/2017 20:53

By the way, my steppies are older teens. I'm not saying a 4 yr old is a git. I'm only joking anyway. He's exactly like his dad and so I love him from a distance! He'll be fine soon, he was cute when he was 10 😊

donners312 · 15/12/2017 20:58

I know 1100 seems a lot to a lot of people but it isn't necessarily it depends what he earns.

And crazy to say his wife is off on holiday getting her nails done etc - what on his maintenance payments, I doubt it.

BTW i say that as someone who receives nothing in maintenance but i f you take on a man with children i would be very happy if he did the right thing and paid for his children.

RickJames · 15/12/2017 21:05

I know someone who didn't pay for 10 years and now the child is 19 and taking him to court for the money. It's really changed how I feel about him and I like his missus but I also think - what the hell did you expect? Im secretly behind the child and im glad they have the balls to hold him to account. Like even if you were totally estranged and couldn't pay direct, you should have made a fund.

Offred · 15/12/2017 21:08

If he is paying maintenance it is highly likely that she is doing the lions share of the parenting to enable him to continue earning the very good wage that enables him to pay £1100 per month in maintenance.

She works, just not full time.

Offred · 15/12/2017 21:10

If the op isn’t happy with her h’s agreement with his ex why did she marry him?

HipNewName · 15/12/2017 21:13

For his kids sake I hope it’s written that he helps support them through university.

Offred · 15/12/2017 21:14

And they don’t have any children together... why on earth she thinks the ex getting maintenance above the CMS minimum and taking her son’s entitlement to financial support is sponging but wanting her husband’s money to be spent on her and her son is not sponging I don’t know!

Ikeptthemwithmebabe · 15/12/2017 21:37

Life then goes on.
Yep, with a financial agreement that deals with assets that were part of that relationship, that reflects choices made during that relationship, that adequately provides for all - but first and foremost provides for the DC.

If you decided to settle for less than a fair split from your ex, that was your choice. I don't see how just going your separate ways is thinking of what the DC need. I certainly see no reason for pride in that choice.

I think if you haven't been in a financial position to choose for one parent to be at home or work reduced hours then it's difficult to understand those decisions. Maybe your husband has been happy to pay extra for his wife to be around for the kids. With respect OP I can see how he would keep that to himself. (If you are subsidising him he is not in a position to do that).

I think the financial decisions made in your first marriage with children are quite different for many people than subsequent relationships. It sounds like maybe your husband can't afford to make the same financial contribution in his second marriage that he is committed to in his first.

I will not have a "clean break" from ex. I am absolutely not sponging.

userxx · 15/12/2017 21:37

Offered - the op has stated that her husband isn't on a very good wage, they are going without so the ex wife can have a nice lifestyle. That doesn't seem very fair to me. If she went back to work full time she would be able to contribute more to the household. Seems straight forward to me.

Offred · 15/12/2017 21:42

They don’t have children in this marriage so the required commitment is not the same.

I have little patience for people who in the same breath make a big deal about how great they are for not seeking their children’s father’s support to raise their shared child AND want their new partner to give less to their dc in maintenance because they don’t have enough money to raise their dc how they would like....

Ask. The. Child’s. Father....

Don’t take away from your new partners children.

Ellisandra · 15/12/2017 21:43

The OP has said he isn't a high earner.
She has not bothered to answer any questions about what % of his take home that £1100.
My estimate is he's on £47K - based on OP's comment about CMS minimum of £500.

I think if the OP's H was a low earner, she's have been quick to answer the point.

My feel here is that the OP's H earns enough to pay this £1100, and that the real problem here is how they manage their finances together. And that it's fuck all about the XW - she's just an easy target.

OP far too vocal bitching about the XW without backing any of it up with facts.

Offred · 15/12/2017 21:45

He is on a good wage though if the CMS calculation says £500 per month... and she wants her h to be paying for meals out and holidays abroad for her child that is not his - ask his dad!

If the OP thinks this is a massive issue and she thinks her and her child would be better off living separately I say she should crack on.

C0untDucku1a · 15/12/2017 21:50

Op the answer is obvious. You need to stand on your own two feet, get a decent paying job and support your own child. Obviously dont ask your child’s father for anything. His new partner shouldnt have to fund your lifestyle.

Offred · 15/12/2017 21:54

Ellisandra · 15/12/2017 21:55

Duckula - 😂

LesisMiserable · 16/12/2017 09:11

She's jealous and greedy - pure and fucking simple. In a nutshell. Jealous of the ex and their shared children and greedy for what her DP has, she doesnt want it sharing out. This is not an unusual scenario now is it.

DeleteOrDecay · 16/12/2017 10:05

proud to say I don't take a penny from my ex despite that fact he earns considerable more than me

I don't get this, the fact that your ex doesn't pay for his children isn't something to be proud of.

PastaOfMuppets · 16/12/2017 18:29

at @Ducku1a

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