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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Signed up to what....

124 replies

UpandOver14 · 13/12/2017 19:35

Married H 4 years ago, my first, his second & I get that he has to provide for his DCs but I question to what extent and he just doesn't see it. I work full time - always have, always will. we just about get by every month, don't go out, don't have the spare cash too etc. would be nice every once and while to simply go out for a drink or a meal to blow away the cobwebs. I feel like life's rushing by at speed and I am missing out.
He supports his ex and rightly so too but pays in excess of 1100 maintenance every month. His ex is out once or twice every weekend, always getting work down on their house (H still on mortgage), has holidays abroad every year and work very part time hours. H just doesn't see it. Christmas is coming, I'd love to provide for by DS but can't afford too. This isn't what I signed up for, what do I do

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 15/12/2017 12:53

In my case thei biological father wasn't able to contribute to things like meals out and holidays.

I still would have thought my dad was shit if he'd enabled us to have those things, but left my step sibs without.

Offred · 15/12/2017 12:59

If the biological mother and father are not able to, together, afford for the kids to have meals out and holidays this does not mean that it is fair for one of them to be angry at their new partner for not providing these things for the child.

It is nice if the new partner does, it is not fair for the parents to feel aggrieved if they don’t.

Ikeptthemwithmebabe · 15/12/2017 13:12

My ex pays similar and will stay on the mortgage and is either offering to take no equity or little equity - negotiating on pension. His pension is likely to be worth twice the house.

I fucked my earning potential and pension. Its simply not possible to build up a decent pension pot starting again.

Our financial settlement is about the long shared history - work, financial decisions, DC together etc....my earning potential and his career trajectory etc.
It has nothing to do with any future partner either of us may have.

What I do in my spare time or my working hours are not the concern of any future partner he has.

Are you subsidising him because he can't keep himself? I can't tell. It would be a shame if he is left penniless after maintenance. Although sometimes realistically only one family home can be kept going when a couple split.

Ellisandra · 15/12/2017 13:24

You know, I am actually going to call bullshit on him having signed over the house to his XW.

As I said above, the transfer of equity and removal of his name would have required permission of the lender, and nothing you've said suggests they'd have given it.

I'd love to have a look at this private agreement of theirs!

yetmorecrap · 15/12/2017 13:24

There could also be other factors not known here. If he didnt have liquid assets but they had a business, he may be paying over the odds too towards buying her out of that. In this case to be honest OP, its impossible to draw a conclusion as to whether its fair or not but the important fact is 'you' clearly dont think its fair nor what you signed up to (although whether the arrangement was always this wayI dont know) It certainly isnt fair if 'your' earnings are being used to subsidise him being maybe over generous. He is clearly a pretty nice guy if he is that generous minded , however the important fact is he should be in a position to be doing this totally off his own back without impinging on his ability to support his new family and you subsidising it, and if he is not then that needs discussing and you need to decide if its something you can put up with for a few years or if you need to call it a day. .

Original poster
UpandOver14 · 15/12/2017 14:02

Some of the comments here honestly amaze me but what did I expect from people that don't know me, thankfully those that know me can see how wrong this all is, I'm thankful that I have honest friends who are prepared to point out when I am wrong and when I am right. Two people get married, have kids and then decide it's not working and get divorced, no affair, no adultery etc so simply decide that they are better off going their separate ways. Life then goes on. The majority of the support would appear to be for the ex but not surprised. Maybe sponging off an ex is the way forward, well done to the ex - she picked wisely. I'd have a damn sight more respect for the ex if like a lot of other people she got herself a full time job and worked to providing for her life style, thankfully though she has an ex who seems happy to provide to ensure she has a standard of living that is acceptable for her. I wouldn't expect my DCs father to do this for everyone that cannot read I had answered this question! Anyone who is thinking about getting married to someone who has an exW think very carefully before they do it. Think of the salary she would have to earn to take home 1100 a month!

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 15/12/2017 14:10

And yet again, all you want to do is bitch about the XW and not actually give any info to validate your position Hmm

  • is the mortgage payment included in the £1100
  • how did he manage to get permission from the lender to do a transfer of equity if she has low earnings?
  • what is his pension worth vs the house equity
  • what % of his take home pay is the £1100
  • why were you happy with this 4 or more years ago and not now.

That payment might be too much. But honestly, as you're evading all detail, and just bitching about the XW, I'm skeptical.

HipNewName · 15/12/2017 14:18

I definitely think women should think twice before marrying someone who has an ex and children. I think all couples should talk talk about money and work out a budget before they marry. Why didn’t you do these things?

You seem more upset about her work hours than anything else. They aren’t your business.

Offred · 15/12/2017 14:25

So the bug that is in your arse is that she doesn’t work full time?

Honestly, that is none of your business.

Why do you think your husband is responsible for paying for holidays abroad and meals out for your dc? He’s not the father, ask his father to pay more!

Pinkitis · 15/12/2017 14:41

Your main problem is that you husband 'doesn't get it' ie he is perfectly happy with the arrangement but you're not. Maybe he would still pay that amount if she worked full-time. You need to sort the issue out with him and leave her lifestyle out of it.

Pinkitis · 15/12/2017 14:43

Most divorces are a clean break these days btw. Presumably this was the financial agreement they both decided on divorce.

MotherofaSurvivor · 15/12/2017 14:47

Letitsnow That is incorrect. They do not calculate maintenance on household income

stickytoffeevodka · 15/12/2017 14:56

But surely you knew all this when you married him? So why are you complaining about it now?

He's their father - he's responsible for keeping a roof over their head, for providing them with food, shelter, uniform, toys, games, entertainment, holidays and everything else a child needs. If part of that is paying for the mortgage so his children don't end up moving or homeless, then good for him. He's doing a lot better than most.

He's not paying for his ex-wife to keep her home, he's paying for his CHILDREN to keep their home. He wouldn't be paying her £1100 a month if he couldn't afford it, especially as it's through a private arrangement so he can presumably change it whenever he wants.

And you say you struggle to provide for your DS - why will that suddenly be possible if you get divorced? Or are you expecting him to pay you £1100 in maintenance too?

Buildmeupbuttercup89 · 15/12/2017 17:27

what did I expect from people who don't know me

Not sure op, what did you expect from posting vague information on an anonymous forum?? Sounds like you're blaming the exw for your decision to marry someone apparently blind about their financial commitments.
If you're so unhappy and your DC are suffering, leave.

PaintingByNumbers · 15/12/2017 18:22

You need to separate out your finances if you are really supporting his ex on your salary

Bet you're not though

DeleteOrDecay · 15/12/2017 18:27

Op you sound very bitter, like you just want to bitch about the ex. I bet even if your H was paying less you would still find something to moan aboutz

jemimarose · 15/12/2017 18:36

I have two DS, work full time to support me and my children, proud to say I don't take a penny from my ex despite that fact he earns considerable more than me. However each situation is different and impossible to judge without all the facts.

hattyhighlighter · 15/12/2017 18:41

Are you saying you have a ds yourself and you can't buy him a Christmas present?
Two teenagers are pretty expensive. And not always best left to their own devices in long school holidays. She may have her own reasons for working PT, we don't know if dcs have SN or anything or the ins and outs of her career pre dcs and why their marriage ended, except what he told you.
I take offence at the notion that maintenance = sponging it certainly doesn't. Quite right your dh should provide for his first set of kids.

Offred · 15/12/2017 18:45

I have two DS, work full time to support me and my children, proud to say I don't take a penny from my ex despite that fact he earns considerable more than me.

I never understand why people are proud of not taking money. Proud that your children have a lower standard of living than they are entitled to have and should have? Why?

The children are entitled to a contribution (emotional and financial) from both parents. The shame is attached to parents who don’t contribute there is no ‘pride’ in getting the bare minimum contribution that the DC are entitled to (CMS payments).

Hermonie2016 · 15/12/2017 20:04

Your H knows what his ex gave up to raise children plus he is deciding that he wants his children to have a parent mostly around, that's admirable.

Teens can be much more problematic so don't assume its easier as childcare is actually more challenging.
You have a choice to accept the situation or leave but if your H is a good man then think on it.
If there are teens how much longer will this last for?
Resentment is a strong but often unnecessary emotion..try to let go and you may feel happier.

Wishingandwaiting · 15/12/2017 20:11

I never understand why people are proud of not taking money. Proud that your children have a lower standard of living than they are entitled to have and should have? Why?

Exactly!

Of all the things to take a stand, this has to be one of the more ridiculous.
Providing the best for my children is far far more important to me than “pride”

Wishingandwaiting · 15/12/2017 20:15

And that very same poster wrote on a previous thread

Single mum, teacher, two sons, failing to break even every month despite really trying to budget

bendywindy · 15/12/2017 20:17

so leave? he sounds like a really decent guy btw 👍🏼

Offred · 15/12/2017 20:22

Yeah, I’ll have him if you don’t want him! Grin

One of the most attractive things possible in a man is commitment to supporting their children and to having a supportive coparenting relationship with their ex surely!

Crunchymum · 15/12/2017 20:23

Your issue should be with your DH, who is unwilling to listen to your opinion on the matter.

He is the one you are in a partnership with, he is the one who has a responsibility to you

If he won't even discuss it then you are in very deep trouble.