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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Signed up to what....

124 replies

UpandOver14 · 13/12/2017 19:35

Married H 4 years ago, my first, his second & I get that he has to provide for his DCs but I question to what extent and he just doesn't see it. I work full time - always have, always will. we just about get by every month, don't go out, don't have the spare cash too etc. would be nice every once and while to simply go out for a drink or a meal to blow away the cobwebs. I feel like life's rushing by at speed and I am missing out.
He supports his ex and rightly so too but pays in excess of 1100 maintenance every month. His ex is out once or twice every weekend, always getting work down on their house (H still on mortgage), has holidays abroad every year and work very part time hours. H just doesn't see it. Christmas is coming, I'd love to provide for by DS but can't afford too. This isn't what I signed up for, what do I do

OP posts:

Badhairday1001 · 14/12/2017 20:12

Have you put the figures in to the child maintainance calculator? I would, just to see what figures it comes up with. I certainly don't think that you are BU, they have split up and both parents need to be able to live and maintain a house etc, that means both parties standing on their own two feet and adjusting their lifestyle accordingly. Your partner should not be giving all of his wages in child maintainance and then living off yours, it's fair at all.

HeckyPeck · 14/12/2017 20:16

It does sound like you'll be much happier without him OP.

Offred · 15/12/2017 08:10

Surely if the kids are teenagers and you have been married 4 years then this has been going on an age and is going to end in a few years?

What proportion of his income is the £1100?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 15/12/2017 08:16

Is he failing to pay for his expenses with you? Are you subsidising him?

If you did split, you might be OK, he might give you the house and then keep paying for it anyway.

Offred · 15/12/2017 08:19

Also is your ds his child or a child from a previous relationship?

ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 15/12/2017 08:21

I’m going to side the op here and say that sounds like too much, unless dh is high earner. There is an online calculator to work out how much you should be paying based on income and overnights. Maybe looks and see if he’s paying the correct amount. If he is paying way more then I think you should speak to him. Tell him he’s paying way more and you need him to reduce it so he can support your family adequately aswell. X

Thebluedog · 15/12/2017 09:45

Put the numbers into the csa caluculator and you’ll be able to see how much he should be paying. If he’s paying well over the odds then maybe you need to be having a conversation with him.

Thebluedog · 15/12/2017 09:45

www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance

LesisMiserable · 15/12/2017 11:17

I dont believe they are people who are actually against fathers paying 'over the odds' to support the children they gave life to. Really?!

Original poster

UpandOver14 · 15/12/2017 11:23

done it and CSA calculator reckons 500 per month which makes this situation even more of a joke. H signs over their house to ex, stays on the mortgage so ex can still live there, pays private health care for her, pays often in excess of 1100 per month maintenance and pays out for life insurance. You could say she doesn't pay the mortgage, council tax etc. that he does. No wonder she doesn't bother with getting a full time job and provide For herself!

OP posts:

PaintingByNumbers · 15/12/2017 11:37

Thats the bare minimum he should be paying
Is your child also his child?
Why dont you just separate out your own finances if you feel you are subbing his ex?

Offred · 15/12/2017 11:48

But surely this arrangement was made long before he met and married you?

Is there a particular reason why it bothers you now?

It is hard to advise re what is fair re the split without knowing basics such as the proportion of his income this makes up, whether the £1100 represents an increase to what they agreed on divorce, what the £1100 is for, whether your dc is his, if not whether his dad contributes....

HeckyPeck · 15/12/2017 11:51

I dont believe they are people who are actually against fathers paying 'over the odds' to support the children they gave life to. Really?!

I'm not against fathers paying over the odds if they can afford to, but in this case the father clearly can't afford to. Also the OP is subsiding the amount leaving her and her child without.

Ellisandra · 15/12/2017 11:55

Signing over the house can be a red herring of an asset, depends on the equity. He might even have signed over negativity equity! The devil is in the detail.

As above, he's kept his pension so I'll reserve judgment on the house without facts and figures.

Staying on the mortgage is pretty common, courts issue Mesher Orders for that reason. Even if she worked full time, could she get approval card for the mortgage on her children's home, alone? Or did she screw up her earning potential protecting his?

Life insurance? Meh. My XH pays for our joint life insurance at my suggestion. (1) it was cheaper for him than starting a new policy just on his own life and (2) he's the bloody beneficiary! As I say - the devil is in the detail!

Even the private health insurance - is it a family policy? So it's for the kids. Or... even though they're now teens, has she been primary carer for at least the last 4 years and he thought that giving her access to fast health care was actually in all their interests? If she needs an operation, how much better for him if she can choose a date to suit his children and him, instead of him taking parental leave to care for the children whilst she accepts whatever inconvenient date the NHS can offer?

You are strangely reticent on how you ended up accepting this situation in the first place. And also on what he's contributing to your household.

He can't be that low an earner if he's got another mortgage with you, despite being on his original mortgage.

On the face of it £1100 sounds a lot. But I have an inkling there's more to this... and I expect it puts him in a bad light and not her.

I'm interested in how he's managed to sign the house over to her in a private arrangement. It's not his to sign - the mortgage company have a BIG interest. If he fails to pay the mortgage, they need to come after him for his assets. So they wouldn't just allow him to give the house to her. Otherwise, anyone about to go bankrupt would just give their house to a mate.

I don't think you know everything there is to know about this private arrangement. A verbal agreement that the house is hers won't hold a lot of water. In those circumstances, I'd want the £1100 too, because I might not be getting a lot else.

You also haven't said whether the £1100 includes the mortgage payment.

If CMS is £500, £600 isn't an unusual amount for a mortgage - and it wouldn't be unusual for a court to tell him to pay it.

I'll say it again - stop bitching about the ex and look to your husband with your issues.

Offred · 15/12/2017 11:56

We don’t know that hecky. The op hasn’t properly explained the circumstances.

Could be that the op is expecting her h to subsidise her child (that is not his) over his children to a previous marriage.

Ellisandra · 15/12/2017 11:58

@HeckyPeck we don't know that the XH can't afford to pay it.

We only know that the OP goes short.

She's reluctant to share why that is.

For all we know, the XH has plenty of money left after the £1100, and the reason the OP can't afford to go out, is that his leftover is 3x her income but he's insisting she pay half of their household costs.

OP is ignoring questions, like whether her son is his son.

There's a reason that she did "sign up to this" at least 4 years ago, and a reason why it's not now acceptable to her.

My spider senses tell me the root of that reason is with the husband, not the easy target XW.

HeckyPeck · 15/12/2017 12:05

That's true Offred. I have made an assumption.

I guess for me it would come down to is he paying a fair share of the bills with me. If not and that left me covering his portion with no spare money then that wouldn't feel fair at all.

If he is paying his fair share of the bills then it's up to him what he spends his spare money on and if he wants to give it all to his ex that's up to him.

Either way you don't have to stay with someone if you're not happy with them OP.

HeckyPeck · 15/12/2017 12:07

Oh yep Ellisandra, I'd say the issue if definitley with something in their relationship and not an EXW problem.

Offred · 15/12/2017 12:09

Indeed.

Rubyredslippers44 · 15/12/2017 12:11

From OP’s posts, it looks like ‘DS’ is her son and not her DH’s biological child.

If that’s the case, I think OP has a cheek to complain about her DH providing for his own DC’s at the expense of her and her son. That’s the way it should be I’m afraid, his DC’s come first. He sounds like a great father.

HeckyPeck · 15/12/2017 12:20

I'm not sure I agree with that Ruby. My dad met someone with kids after my mum left and I would have thought my dad was shit if he had me and my siblings to be living the life of Riley, but my step siblings couldn't even afford to have a meal out!

All children should be treated equally in my opinion.

Offred · 15/12/2017 12:23

But the step siblings’ biological father is the one who is responsible (in part) for their ability to have things like meals out and holidays abroad.

Any contribution children get from a step parent is a bonus not an entitlement. I think that’s what ruby is trying to say, not that step parents shouldn’t contribute anything.

pinkdelight · 15/12/2017 12:24

Agree with recent posts saying it's more complicated and more detail needed, esp as to whether OP's DC is hers or theirs. Also think if private healthcare is involved then earnings must be reasonably high in which case £1100 a month is not so vast. Ex's lifestyle isn't OP's business. She could be sticking it all on credit cards, who knows!

Ellisandra · 15/12/2017 12:25

Interested in why CMS (it's not CSA) calculator saying £500 is s joke.

I put 2 kids to support, with you 1 night a week or less and 1 child in current household and fiddled about to get £500.

Came out with £47K

Monthly take home on that would be £2900.

So £1100 is almost 40% of his take home - to house and support his kids.

Doesn't seem like such a pisstake to me.

Thaf it is higher than many get, or CMS suggests as a minimum, is neither here nor there.

HeckyPeck · 15/12/2017 12:45

But the step siblings’ biological father is the one who is responsible (in part) for their ability to have things like meals out and holidays abroad.

Any contribution children get from a step parent is a bonus not an entitlement. I think that’s what ruby is trying to say, not that step parents shouldn’t contribute anything.

Ah maybe I misinterpreted the part where Ruby said OP shouldn't complain about her DH providing for his kids at the expense of hers.

That read to me like it would be ok for him to take away from OPs kid to give to his kids.

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