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Original poster

Signed up to what....

124 replies

UpandOver14 · 13/12/2017 19:35

Married H 4 years ago, my first, his second & I get that he has to provide for his DCs but I question to what extent and he just doesn't see it. I work full time - always have, always will. we just about get by every month, don't go out, don't have the spare cash too etc. would be nice every once and while to simply go out for a drink or a meal to blow away the cobwebs. I feel like life's rushing by at speed and I am missing out.
He supports his ex and rightly so too but pays in excess of 1100 maintenance every month. His ex is out once or twice every weekend, always getting work down on their house (H still on mortgage), has holidays abroad every year and work very part time hours. H just doesn't see it. Christmas is coming, I'd love to provide for by DS but can't afford too. This isn't what I signed up for, what do I do

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 14/12/2017 18:05

Is he paying a fair proportion of the bills (compared to your salaries) or are you having to pay more and effectively subsidise his ex?

If the later is not be happy with that at all.

If the former, then it's his choice what he spends his "spare" money on. But you should also have the same spare money too and it sounds like that is definitely not the case.

RainyApril · 14/12/2017 18:12

Presumably this is child and spousal maintenance, either agreed in court or by private arrangement.

I'm surprised you didn't know all this before you moved in together.

Does he pay his fare share of your household costs? Because beyond that it's up to him what he spends his spare cash on.

Thebluedog · 14/12/2017 18:18

Trust me, it would be a damn site more expensive if his dc lived with you, and you had to pay childcare, clothes, school trips, clubs (the list is endless).

Her financial position and what she spends is none of your business.

Wishingandwaiting · 14/12/2017 18:21

If he’s paying that amount, he’s a high earner.
And you work full time.

I’m struggling to see how money can be such an issue that you can’t even afford to go out for a drink.

Original poster
UpandOver14 · 14/12/2017 18:23

We are the result of NO affair. Funny how people jump to that conclusion. It's a private arrangement, ex told him what she needs and he pays it and no he/we do not earn the money to maintain her life style. Kids are well into their teens so she could maintain her own lifestyle by getting a full time job. We are going without to maintain another family's life style. They both agreed to divorce, H has been very fair with the house, private health care, life insurance.

OP posts:
PaintingByNumbers · 14/12/2017 18:25

Do you also have a child together or is your ds from a previous relationship? So, would you be better off alone? I'm surprised, its usually more expensive

Louiseandhercubs · 14/12/2017 18:30

OP under those circumstances I certainly see your point.

With it being a private arrangement that's rather unfair. It sounds almost as tho she's gone the bills are X so I need X. And everything else is her spare cash. That's just my take on what I've read.

PastaOfMuppets · 14/12/2017 18:36

Why do you describe his DCs as "another household"?

Is your DH the father of your DS (the only child between you and your DH you seem to want to be treated nicely)

PastaOfMuppets · 14/12/2017 18:37

Sorry, "another family" not "another household" - why are your DSCs not your family?

HeckyPeck · 14/12/2017 18:49

What does your DH say when you discuss it?

Could you work out what your share of the bills would be if you worked it out proportionately/so you both have equal spare money after bills etc (maintenance not included) then say from x date I'll be paying this much as I'm not willing to subsidise your ex anymore?

HeckyPeck · 14/12/2017 18:50

Then he could pay her what he can actually afford and you'd be able to look after yourself and your DS rather tha scrimping and saving.

Pinkitis · 14/12/2017 18:58

Is he happy with the arrangement? How long does he see it going on for? What are the plans for the house?

AlexaDoTheDishes · 14/12/2017 18:59

As you said, you signed up for it

userxx · 14/12/2017 19:00

He's allowing his ex to call the shots - he should not be maintaining her. She needs to go back to work full time.

yetmorecrap · 14/12/2017 19:02

The thing is though OP, didn't you know all this before you got married?? I agree it's a bit unfair and yes I think he should seek a change in what he pays as kids are older

Original poster
UpandOver14 · 14/12/2017 19:04

Thank you all for your responses, the conclusion that I have reached is that I am not about to make do in life. Alone I would financially be able to look after myself and DC. I wouldn't be workimg to maintain another persons excessive lifestyle and would now exactly where my money was going every month. Stupidly I sold my house, put 100 percent into my marriage, doubt I'd be able to afford a house again, but know alone I will be much happier. H can continuue to maintain his ex's lifestyle, don't really get woman that sponge off ex partners/husbands - yes maintenance has to be paid but when 2 people BOTH decide a marriage isn't working then pay what needs to be paid and stand up on your own two feet. I'd have far more time and respect for someone that does that.

OP posts:
rollingonariver · 14/12/2017 19:14

I completely agree with you op.
He should be paying maintenance ofc but it honestly looks like he couldn't do it without your wage too and it sounds like your kids are going without to sustain his exes lifestyle. Surely she should have to provide for her children too but she's just working part time and living it up.
Seems off you're working full time and he's using the fact you're making money too to fund his ex, you should be able to afford to do some nice things with your own kids.

Louiseandhercubs · 14/12/2017 19:15

I totally agree. To me unless he was paying for 10 children 1100 sounded a lot.

I understand and rightly so he needs to pay maintaince. Ofcourse he does. But that shouldn't be to the detriment of you and your family

Cantwaitforchristmas · 14/12/2017 19:27

There's many things that I 'sign up for' that I moan like fuck about Hmm

If you & your DH weren't together would he be able to maintain his own household & expenses & his £1100 maintenance? If not then you're in effect subsidising his ex's lifestyle Hmm at a cost to your DC's? Nope absolutely not.

Of course he has a duty & moral obligation to support his DC's but so does his ex & that involves working full time especially with teenage children.

£1110 does sound a lot, is he a high earner? Is he paying the mortgage?

Pinkitis · 14/12/2017 19:31

From your op it sounds like he is quite happy to pay that amount. Didn't they have a financial settlement as part of the divorce?

Original poster
UpandOver14 · 14/12/2017 19:38

Cantwaitforchristmas - you put it all so well. He is not a high earner and should be paying no where near what he is paying. In effect he probably is paying the mortgage but absolutely no point putting that point to him, he won't get it and doesn't see it. The property has been signed over to his ex.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 14/12/2017 19:48

You have a husband problem not an ex wife problem.

What's the deal with your house? You mean you sold up and put all the equity into his house?

Divorce him, agree a fair split, sell the house, get another mortgage - on your own.

TheNaze73 · 14/12/2017 19:53

Does she have any claim over his pension pot?

Some people work on 20% of net salary per child until the end of University & then that’s it. If his pension pot is high 6, low 7 figures, he’s boxed clever

Lefty1 · 14/12/2017 19:56

Does he control the money side of things , something you said early on made me wonder...."if I was on my own then I would know where my money is going" ?

If not just arrange for your wages to be placed into your own account and then split your household bills 50/50 . It's on him then if he decides to carry on paying the ex wife the maintenance amount he has been doing .

You're quite right though , it's not you're responsibility , you have your child to save and make investments for. Hope you manage to work it out amicably xx

Ellisandra · 14/12/2017 20:05

It's really impossible to say what's fair without the details.

It sounds high, but as TheNaze mentioned - what about his pension? You said this was all a private arrangement - which means she doesn't have a PSO because you can only get one via the divorce court.

I don't understand how you say you can afford to support you and your child alone - yet you say you can't even go out now. How has that come about, that you have money on your own but not when sharing costs? (tax credits? Or is he spending your money?)

Forget about her - it's him that's the issue.