I think DH is building up to leaving me over my dad having a go at him

[Staceysmomhasgotitgoingon]

If you're heard of the mental load that's pretty much how our house runs. Dh doesn't really take responsibility for much. He works 56 hours a week and I understand this is tiring but he uses it as an excuse for not doing much else. Apart from a hobby he has taken up this year that takes him out of the house all day on his days off and sometimes overnight too.

Anyway we have just recently moved house and, although dh did so most of the clearing out in the old house (it had to be stripped back carpets lifted etc), he didn't do anything much in the new house.

My dad had to come up and do all the diy/heavy lifting stuff that I couldn't do on my own. And my dad also have dh a loan of a tool and dh mistreated it and broke it.

Being on my own with the dcs and the move and I also had a research paper due and an exam. It took it's toll on me and I ended up unwell and extremely stressed.

My dad was just so angry at dh for leaving me with everything and for not taking care of his stuff. Now... that part I think he was a bit ott my dad is very particular about his things and normally I don't really like to borrow anything from him because if it doesn't come back in perfect condition he cracks up. .

However, the other part I agree with him.. maybe it's none of his business and definitely there could have been more tact involved, but I understand where my dad was coming from. I was a mess and my dad was worried about me. If it wasn't for him I would have had no way to wash our clothes or cook food for the dcs.

So anyway, dh is raging and said I should have backed him up. I said if I thought my dad was out of order I would have but the only thing I think was wrong was the way he went about it. We had a massive row but it fizzled out nothing got resolved but the row died out.

Anyway a week passed and nothing more was said about it then I mentioned Christmas we always go to my mum and dad's. Dh said he's not going he wont go because of my dad.

It was playing on my mind today so I text him and said we shouldn't be spending Christmas apart and that he should go see my dad and sort things out. How would the dcs feel if dh ducked off on Christmas?

He said he's not going to see him and he can't believe I'm not backing him up. I repeated the above about agreeing with him but not how he went about it and that he should be putting his own pride in front of the dcs and their Christmas. Dh said well if that's how I feel he's not spending Christmas with any of us. I assume that also includes the dcs.

I don't know what to do he's not due in from work until after 10pm I think he's going to say if I don't back him about against my dad we are done.

He sounds like a shit husband and you should steal his thunder and ask him to leave. Don't wait for him to do it. He currently seems to have the best of both worlds. I agree he is with someone else and using your house as a hotel. Give him the boot and sort out child maintenance.

I think the Christmas issue has muddied the waters somewhat here. Many MNers are very touchy about how they spend their own Christmas and are projecting that onto the op. If this had happened in June, without Christmas in the equation, the op would've got more support I think.

Anyway, I think your dh has already checked out of family life. Not good. His behaviour has changed and he's secretive about his new hobby (why not say what it is?!). Not good.

How's things apart from his lazy arsed entitlement?

You're all under the assumption that he wants to spend Christmas with his family?

I don't even have a family; but I'd be damned if someone was telling me where I was spending every single one.

I'd imagine we'll see DP's quite often; and they're lovely and inviting so I don't mind that at all, they've made a big effort to be welcoming. But I'd also expect that we'd discuss where we wanted to be each year and sometimes consider having a Christmas alone or with friends.

That aside; if he's looking for a reason to leave, eventually he'll go. Maybe he wants to "test" how Christmas feels without you. If that happens; you may well find that your children spend every other Christmas elsewhere anyway; so I wouldn't pick that Hill to die on. Compromise and have a proper discussion about this. Don't involve your parents; or his. If it's really over; start planning for the next stage.

I don't think the H who doesn't spend any time with his family will be engaging in any battles about 50/50 contact when he leaves. Every xmas with inlaws sounds horrendous to me, but obviously the point here is that the H has apparently always been happy to do this. He sounds determined to generate friction so he has an excuse for leaving.

Your present dependence on your own family is not a healthy dynamic.

The OP is only dependant on her family because her DH does nothing apart from work and hobbies. Should she tell her family not to help out then struggle doing it all alone?

Should she stay with a selfish arse of a man just so she can have Xmas with her family every year? What an odd suggestion.

although dh did so most of the clearing out in the old house (it had to be stripped back carpets lifted etc
Well the op said he does do stuff (hence him borrowing his FIL's tools). Imagine if your MIL policed everything you did in your own home and criticised you to your husband. It would completely demotivate you.
I should think a lot of over invested MILS and PILS will love your post. It is a green card to get their own way because they don't much like the partner chosen by their son/daughter.

Completely baffled by some of these responses.

If she doesn't have much of a relationship with her DH, that might have something to do with him spending all of his non-working time (all his days off?!) somewhere else doing something else. Engaging in a physical hobby (especially when you have responsibilities at home) and then complaining you're too tired to help out at all is beyond unacceptable. Would the responses be the same if the roles were reversed? Yes, he works 50 hours a week - how many hours does OP work when you factor in study, practical work, childcare and all house work / responsibilities?

It's unacceptable and mortifying to have to ask a parent to do things your spouse should be doing while he's off engaged in a hobby. I mean, really? If I were the dad I'd be utterly fuming too.

I agree that making Christmas at her parents "non-negotiable" is really not on. I'm sure this makes him feel unimportant and I bet the argument with his FIL touched a nerve as deep down he knows he is not pulling his weight - bringing in money isn't enough, he needs to spend time with his family. If my DH got involved in a hobby like this to this extent I'd leave - all days off and some overnights? Leaving me with the kids and all the shitwork while I try to qualify to be a nurse? Not on your life.

OP, if you actually want to save your marriage then some frank discussions need to be had, probably with a counsellor. Right now you're both resentful and feel vindicated in behaving certain ways - I don't think YABU but that's beside the point if it ruins your marriage. You need to compromise more and maybe you'll be inclined to do this if he was involved in your family rather than dumping everything on you.

Imagine if your MIL policed everything you did in your own home and criticised you to your husband.

If I swanned off on a hobby for all of my free time (apart from doing one job where I broke something of MILs or lounging around at home moaning that I was tired) and that meant MIL was having to cover for me as my husband was working, studying and looking after our kids I'd fully expect my MIL to have a very negative opinion of me and would have no grounds to complain about it.

Thankfully I'm not a selfish twat and manage to pull my weight and I get on very well with my MIL.

I'm with Tammy and Hecky.

But never mind the Christmas issue and row betweeen DH and Dad. Your dh sounds like he checked out long ago, and if he needs to find an excuse to leave it's time to have it out with him. If he wants to leave let him be man enough to say so.