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Original poster

I think DH is building up to leaving me over my dad having a go at him

134 replies

Staceysmomhasgotitgoingon · 11/12/2017 19:22

If you're heard of the mental load that's pretty much how our house runs. Dh doesn't really take responsibility for much. He works 56 hours a week and I understand this is tiring but he uses it as an excuse for not doing much else. Apart from a hobby he has taken up this year that takes him out of the house all day on his days off and sometimes overnight too.

Anyway we have just recently moved house and, although dh did so most of the clearing out in the old house (it had to be stripped back carpets lifted etc), he didn't do anything much in the new house.

My dad had to come up and do all the diy/heavy lifting stuff that I couldn't do on my own. And my dad also have dh a loan of a tool and dh mistreated it and broke it.

Being on my own with the dcs and the move and I also had a research paper due and an exam. It took it's toll on me and I ended up unwell and extremely stressed.

My dad was just so angry at dh for leaving me with everything and for not taking care of his stuff. Now... that part I think he was a bit ott my dad is very particular about his things and normally I don't really like to borrow anything from him because if it doesn't come back in perfect condition he cracks up. .

However, the other part I agree with him.. maybe it's none of his business and definitely there could have been more tact involved, but I understand where my dad was coming from. I was a mess and my dad was worried about me. If it wasn't for him I would have had no way to wash our clothes or cook food for the dcs.

So anyway, dh is raging and said I should have backed him up. I said if I thought my dad was out of order I would have but the only thing I think was wrong was the way he went about it. We had a massive row but it fizzled out nothing got resolved but the row died out.

Anyway a week passed and nothing more was said about it then I mentioned Christmas we always go to my mum and dad's. Dh said he's not going he wont go because of my dad.

It was playing on my mind today so I text him and said we shouldn't be spending Christmas apart and that he should go see my dad and sort things out. How would the dcs feel if dh ducked off on Christmas?

He said he's not going to see him and he can't believe I'm not backing him up. I repeated the above about agreeing with him but not how he went about it and that he should be putting his own pride in front of the dcs and their Christmas. Dh said well if that's how I feel he's not spending Christmas with any of us. I assume that also includes the dcs.

I don't know what to do he's not due in from work until after 10pm I think he's going to say if I don't back him about against my dad we are done.

OP posts:
RidingWindhorses · 11/12/2017 22:19

56 hours a week is not unusual if you work in the city/law etc. It doesn't mean you get to check out when you move house.

If he were so tired he wouldn't be doing this athletic hobby that takes him out of the house for so long.

Quite a lot of women here report the same problem - partner has intensive time consuming hobby with which he uses to avoid family life and domestic work.

Original poster
Staceysmomhasgotitgoingon · 11/12/2017 22:19

A guy he worked with last year.

OP posts:
RidingWindhorses · 11/12/2017 22:20

A guy, really? Hmmm.. have you met him? Or otherwise who else...

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 11/12/2017 23:21

Peggy the not wanting you to come to his race rings alarm bells as does his general attitude to family life. My friend, whose dh left her had a pattern of working, working, working and retreating to his "man cave" (eye roll) at the end of the day.

He spent no time with her as a family or with their teenagers.

He was, it turns out online dating and had been for some time. He then progressed to not coming home but sleeping in his office.

Then bang. He left her.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 11/12/2017 23:22

Oh and whose idea was the house move? Do you own or rent?

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 11/12/2017 23:23

I ask because right before my friend's DH left, he suggested they remortgage their house. Big moves like this are common when someone's trying to get the "best deal" before they leave.

Cabininthewoods69 · 11/12/2017 23:24

56 hours a week isn't unusual at all. Until recently I was working around that much. My dh works a lot as well and we have a dd of 9 years. I dropped my hours to 25 plus volunteering and my husband helps around the house will do the school run on days off. Does the cooking when he can. We both love cooking so argue about it.

I'm also very close to my family and dh isn't to his, so my family are very involved with us. My twin is always popping in. He knew this when he married me and knew I wouldn't change it. He loves it though.

Bumplovin · 12/12/2017 00:04

It seems like you've made your mind up there is no way I'd want to go to my father in laws house for Christmas if he'd shouted at me I'd be even more annoyed if my husband thought it was ok for his dad to get involved in our arguments. I'm afraid I'm with your Dh on this you should have Christmas the three of you. Things do get broken sometimes I think your dad needs to understand that and apologise to your husband for making him feel bad about it

Bumplovin · 12/12/2017 00:12

I'm sorry I just read the parts about you doing everything I think I reacted to the original post without reading through properly the stuff that's been said since. I still think I'd find it hard personally to spend Christmas with somebody I had had a falling out with which is why I'd said I could see your dhs point

toastedteacakesandjam · 12/12/2017 00:56

I'm with pengy also... when I was reading your posts alarm bells were ringing... OW?

Pannacott · 12/12/2017 09:24

Yes I was wondering if the hobby was an affair. It explains why he has checked out of family life and support and appreciation for you, to the extent that others around you have noticed. And there is absolutely no good reason for not wanting you there at his race, apart from to hide you from affairee (most likely another runner) Sad

Isetan · 12/12/2017 09:52

Oh dear, you both need to grow up. You’ve allowed your parents to take over parts of the relationship you should be having with your H because it’s easier then dealing with a partner who’s checked out of your relationship.

Instead of waiting for him to dump you, why don’t you tell him to shape up or ship out, you’re pretty much a single parent already.

When you last hope is for third parties to talk some sense into your partner because they won’t listen to you, then you know it’s crunch time.

HeebieJeebies456 · 12/12/2017 12:19

my parents are having to step in and do for me what dh should be. And my dad's raging

I'm not surprised he's raging - though he should be giving YOU a talking to as well!
Why do you insist on staying with this arsehole?
Why do you keep investing more time, energy and money into this charade with him?

Get rid of him and your life will be a lot better in the long run.

oott · 12/12/2017 13:28

I understand how frustrating it must be for you, your hubby doesn't do much at home and he chooses to do his hobby on his day off - I think you both should address the issue.

Your husband, a grown up, just had your dad berate him, and you expect him to just "get on with it"?

Question: would your dad berate a man your hubby's age down his local pub without repercussions?

The fact they're in-laws don't excuse your dads behaviour. But you and your hubby do need to talk & he needs to help you more often.

MikeUniformMike · 12/12/2017 14:16

I run and don't want DP watching me. After a half marathon I smell weird, have salt deposits on my face and during the race I pull all sorts of faces.

SandyY2K · 12/12/2017 14:37

I can see both sides of this tbh. Your dad had to step in ..when your DH left it all to you... if he was doing what he should have...then he would have been able to respond to your dad...but he couldn't. So a part of me thinks he deserved it...and if you have daughters...he'll realise be would hate to see their DH slacking.

So I think good on your dad.

On the other hand....he must have felt really small when your dad had a go. Like less of a man in his own house.

I remember when the ceiling in the kitchen was dodgy in my Dsis house...my dad was not happy when my BIL wasn't sorting it out.... he said the chances are (with sis always being the one to cook).. that it would fall on her.

My dad told BIL to get a quote to fix it and he'd help pay.

BIL was moaning to Dsis about what my dad said.. I think he was embarrassed personally ...until she said how would he like to see a similar situation with their DD in the future.

It sound like he'll be at home alone this Christmas.

Mumof56 · 12/12/2017 16:37

although dh did so most of the clearing out in the old house (it had to be stripped back carpets lifted etc), he didn't do anything much in the new house

What did you do in the old house?

fredericapotterslawyer · 12/12/2017 16:52

I can kind of see both sides, but I do think if you expect your parents to step in and sacrifice their time to help you raise a family, they’re entitled to critique the set up. If you don’t ask them for anything, then fair enough, they should keep their thoughts to themselves, but if their help is integral to the running of your lives, they should be able to express an opinion. Because the division of labour will have an impact on them, too. Tell your husband he can’t have it both ways. If he doesn’t want their opinions, he should renounce their help. My brother-in-law is exactly the same, by the way. Wants to use the extended family as a generator to power his own life. But also wants complete immunity from any form of criticism. It’s pathetic, and really childish.

LadyLapsang · 12/12/2017 22:03

When you get married, your relationship with your spouse and your children should be the primary one. In some ways you don't sound like an adult couple, insisting you always go back to your parents for Christmas, exposing your husband to your parents' criticism; he is your husband, not a sibling you don't get one with. If your husband wants Christmas at home with you and the children that sounds a reasonable thing. Sounds like you should get some relationship counselling or do something like the marriage course - themarriagecourses.org/try/the-marriage-course/ Obviously he is not blameless and if he has ruined your dad's tool you should replace it.

BoneyBackJefferson · 12/12/2017 22:18

Mumof56

I am also curious to know if the Inlaws did anything to clear out the old house.

serialcheat · 13/12/2017 05:22

Your pronouncements of ' non negotiable issues ' and the litany of his faults.....

His time consuming hobby, started in part I'm guessing, to be away from you / the family responsibilities / your family, sounds like two people who don't like each other very much, have little in common and are squabbling like children.

One can feel the resentment settling in between you both from your posts. Why are you both still together !? Neither of you can compromise, you're not happy, he doesn't sound happy, and I'm guessing the kids aren't happy being stuck between you both in this war of attrition, either.....

Pack a few things and go and stay with your Mum and Dad for a few weeks.

Put some space between you both, so he can work out what he wants, and so can you......

At the start of the thread and some way into it, my sympathies lay with you, Op.

Then halfway through it was fifty fifty......

Now I am leaning towards your husband, even if he does have some ' special dick like ' attributes......

But you have a few fanny one's, too......

mrsmuddlepies · 13/12/2017 05:29

You sound as if your primary relationship and loyalties are with your parents and sister. You do not have an equal relationship with your husband.
I can't believe there are many women on Mumsnet who would put up with their in laws treating them in the demeaning way your family treat your husband.
As one poster has already said, if you split up, your husband will be entitled to have the children every other year at Christmas so your cosy 'my family only' tradition will have to end anyway.
Your present dependence on your own family is not a healthy dynamic.
If you want to save your marriage, listen to your husband and treat him with some respect. Stop putting your parents before him. Tell your parents not to interfere in your marriage. Start your own family traditions with your husband and children.
I feel sorry for him.

serialcheat · 13/12/2017 05:30

I'm sure your husband didn't mean to break your Dad's power tool.

Why don't you buy him a new one and say it's from you both !? For Christmas.

If you want your husband to spend Christmas with you and the kids at your parents, kicking him in the Crown Jewels won't persuade him, especially after your Dad had already kicked him there.......

Whether he deserves it, maybe, but I'd love to hear his side.......

serialcheat · 13/12/2017 05:34

Op, you need to read Muddlepies post, several times.....

Until the penny drops.

Booie09 · 13/12/2017 05:41

Is your husbands working actually 56 hours inc travel the only reason I ask is my husband has to travel into London so he is out at 6.30 then home at 6.30 at night I take that into consideration he has been working 6 days a week that's 72hours!! I know your exhausted too but I don't think people should get involved unless something else is going on!! Also Christmas always at your parents I could never understand this I think it's a bit selfish on your part we do alternate years its your husbands Christmas to.