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Original poster

I think DH is building up to leaving me over my dad having a go at him

134 replies

Staceysmomhasgotitgoingon · 11/12/2017 19:22

If you're heard of the mental load that's pretty much how our house runs. Dh doesn't really take responsibility for much. He works 56 hours a week and I understand this is tiring but he uses it as an excuse for not doing much else. Apart from a hobby he has taken up this year that takes him out of the house all day on his days off and sometimes overnight too.

Anyway we have just recently moved house and, although dh did so most of the clearing out in the old house (it had to be stripped back carpets lifted etc), he didn't do anything much in the new house.

My dad had to come up and do all the diy/heavy lifting stuff that I couldn't do on my own. And my dad also have dh a loan of a tool and dh mistreated it and broke it.

Being on my own with the dcs and the move and I also had a research paper due and an exam. It took it's toll on me and I ended up unwell and extremely stressed.

My dad was just so angry at dh for leaving me with everything and for not taking care of his stuff. Now... that part I think he was a bit ott my dad is very particular about his things and normally I don't really like to borrow anything from him because if it doesn't come back in perfect condition he cracks up. .

However, the other part I agree with him.. maybe it's none of his business and definitely there could have been more tact involved, but I understand where my dad was coming from. I was a mess and my dad was worried about me. If it wasn't for him I would have had no way to wash our clothes or cook food for the dcs.

So anyway, dh is raging and said I should have backed him up. I said if I thought my dad was out of order I would have but the only thing I think was wrong was the way he went about it. We had a massive row but it fizzled out nothing got resolved but the row died out.

Anyway a week passed and nothing more was said about it then I mentioned Christmas we always go to my mum and dad's. Dh said he's not going he wont go because of my dad.

It was playing on my mind today so I text him and said we shouldn't be spending Christmas apart and that he should go see my dad and sort things out. How would the dcs feel if dh ducked off on Christmas?

He said he's not going to see him and he can't believe I'm not backing him up. I repeated the above about agreeing with him but not how he went about it and that he should be putting his own pride in front of the dcs and their Christmas. Dh said well if that's how I feel he's not spending Christmas with any of us. I assume that also includes the dcs.

I don't know what to do he's not due in from work until after 10pm I think he's going to say if I don't back him about against my dad we are done.

OP posts:
KungFuEric · 11/12/2017 20:23

Well this year he wants to do it with his family, that you and your children, and you've stated pretty categorically you will be doing it with 'your family' your parents and sister.

HermioneAndTheSniffle · 11/12/2017 20:23

Who is say8ng that the DH actually wants to spend Christmas with his own family?
I mean seeing how able he is to get to do whatever he wants, the way he wants during he whole fo the year, I’m sure he is also able to express his preferences regarding Christmas. And clearly he has never care about spending that time wth his own family.

It could be for very varied reasons, incl religion, notbthe done thing in the family etc....

Rainbunny · 11/12/2017 20:24

OP you feel hard done by and it seems your DH feels hard done by. No relationship issue was ever made better by the interference of an "PIL" btw - no matter if I was in the right or the wrong i'd be furious if my PIL interfered in a argument between me and my DH.

Frankly I think you need to take a step back and acknowledge your own role in this. Given how many hours your DH works and then the childcare and your studies/exams, don't you think moving house at this time was something you BOTH should have planned better for? You may feel abandoned at having to deal with getting the new house in order but your DH did the lion share of clearing out the old house which you mention but don't seem to think counts as much as organising the new house. Sorry not feeling sorry for you here.

honeyroar · 11/12/2017 20:24

My family don't do much at Xmas, it's chilled. My husband's family go large, lots of traditions and a huge do. I hate it. I love them but I find it way too much. So we don't go every year. We do give and take.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 11/12/2017 20:25

Everything Hermoine says is true. He should want to be there to help.

I just had this discussion with a friend who'se DH has left her.

She was devestated that he's apparently doing up his new girlfriend's house and has never done that kind of thing at their home.

I told DH this as he knows the ex well and DH said that this man had admitted to DH that he "was a bastard" to my friend...and only now he's with this new woman does he realise why.

What a twat.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 11/12/2017 20:26

Your making 'your' family your parents, your sister, and your kids. They're your family unit. Your DH doesn't get a look in.

MikeUniformMike · 11/12/2017 20:27

Are you sure that he is working 56 hours a week and off hobbying (cycling? running?) the rest of the time?
I'm not saying he isn't.

I don't think your father should have had a go at your husband. However good your parents are, he shouldn't have done it. He's just a caring dad though, I get that.

Well done on your studies. Please try to patch things up and have a nice Christmas.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 11/12/2017 20:28

Sounds to me exactly like he is having an affair at this new hobby.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 11/12/2017 20:30

You're very defensive OP. Keep going the way you are and yes, I can see your marriage ending because you're like a stuck record that things must be your way. I particularly didn't like your use of your husband's mum and dad to bolster your argument.

I don't know that your marriage ending would be that much of a big deal to you (and perhaps not to your husband either?). You don't have much respect for what he does and the feeling seem to be mutual.

Are you loyal to your husband or to your father? You post as if there's some sort of hierarchy with your dad at the top then you, with your husband quite a bit towards the bottom with no decision-making powers as far as you're concerned.

I wouldn't spend Christmas with your parents and I wouldn't let you dictate to me that I should. I would take the children to my parents every other Christmas - or stay at home - and you could do what you like.

I get the feeling that your posts will change and more information will come out, depending on what posters say to you. Waiting for a drip-drip of more complaints.

supersop60 · 11/12/2017 20:30

pengy and run - I agree. Christmas and FIL issues aside - it sounds like he's checking out of home life.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 11/12/2017 20:32

... and I'm not going to speculate that your husband is having an affair. You don't know that so this chatboard doesn't know that. I have no time for posters who just lazily jump to that conclusion, it's so tiresome.

ReanimatedSGB · 11/12/2017 20:33

This man clearly gets his own way in every other aspect of their lives, so good on OP for standing her ground on one thing, It's unsurprising she's keener on spending time with her parents than at home if the H is either working or doing his hobby and leaving her to carry the entire domestic load.

SandAndSea · 11/12/2017 20:33

I can empathise with all of you. I can see why your dad took issue but I also think you should show support for your dh and can understand why he doesn't want to do Christmas with them. The thing that stuck out to me though was how little he's at home. It sounds rather like he's almost moved out already.

WeatherwaxOrOgg · 11/12/2017 20:34

pengymum
Hmm... new hobby taking him away for long periods... Overnight even
Behaviour changed to disregard of family responsibilities

I think it’s a case of:
Cherchez la femme!

I realise it's perfectly possible for this to be completely wrong but I think it's very possibly not.

The hobby sounds very intensive, especially the overnight part and along with the fact that you seem to feel he's disconnecting, and your father has noticed a change too - I think the worst may be possible.

I don't normally think the worst, but this seems like classic disconnection behaviour, he's even realising that he might be able to get away to his new 'hobby', whatever it may be, for Christmas as well.

OP, you have a gut feeling and in my experience, normally this feeling isn't wrong. I do agree that you should be backing him up but he's taking it way, way too far for it to just be about this argument itself.

It's possible that he hasn't helped with this house because he's mentally moved out. And he's keeping the argument going because it suits him to pin what he's (maybe) doing on something you or your family have done, thus making himself feel better about what he's (maybe) doing.

It may be completely wrong, but you're already thinking it and so it makes sense to look further into this hobby really.

If you find it's nothing sinister and it really is just about this argument, then you'll need to address it and deal with the pair of them but I also think you'll need to demand he gives you some time to yourself as well.

Good luck OP.

BifsWif · 11/12/2017 20:37

I think I’d want to leave too.

SandAndSea · 11/12/2017 20:38

@ CheapSausagesAndSpam - why?

cherryontopp · 11/12/2017 20:39

Why is everyone making her father out to be the bad guy in this?
saying he should put out? That hes way too involved etc. Hes a father who's obviously concerned for his daughter.

My dad stays well out of my business with my partner but if he seen me stressed to fuck moving house all the while working/studying/looking after 3 children, while my partner goes to work and spends free time on his hobby, he would definitely get frustrated and say something.
Yes he could have gone the wrong way about it as OP admits, but hes probably seen this behaviour off his son in law for a while and just snapped.

As for xmas, if your DP was happy to spend every xmas at your parents as his own family dont do much anyway, he is clearly spitting his dummy out.
I would have your dad apologise to him for snapping to save the peace but make it known to him, hes own behaviour was the motivation behind it and needs to step up.

Chocolate254 · 11/12/2017 20:40

I think yabu, You shouldnt have got your Dad involved in your problems with your partner it will never go down well and obviously hasnt here.
You should sit down with him and sort out your problems together. Just the two of you.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 11/12/2017 20:40

SandandSea why what?

SandAndSea · 11/12/2017 20:44

@CheapSausagesAndSpam

I told DH this as he knows the ex well and DH said that this man had admitted to DH that he "was a bastard" to my friend...and only now he's with this new woman does he realise why.

Why was he a bastard to your friend? (I'm curious.) Smile

BifsWif · 11/12/2017 20:44

I’m the first to shout up at a man not doing his fair share, but my God this poor bloke is basically being told he should keep working the hours he’s working, strip out the old house, set up the new one, give up his hobby and do exactly what the OP tells him to do or he’ll get told off by her dad!

timeisnotaline · 11/12/2017 20:46

Do you want him to stay? It doesn't sound like a great relationship. He's not contributing - 56 hours isn't that much, dh and I both do that often and contribute to the home. He's not so tired he can't spend time and physical energy on a hobby. He doesn't seem to care at all that he's not helping you.

BenNevis2017 · 11/12/2017 20:53

Hmm.....I wouldn't like the all consuming hobby on top of the 56hour job. He sounds an incredibly selfish DH. Why doesn't he help out at the weekends? Why isn't he doing childcare then instead of your family? You must have a hell of a lot of studying to do, why isn't he enabling that when he's not at work?
I can understand why your Dad has blown up at him, but then, probably your Dad should have left that for you to do.
TBH if my husband pissed off with his hobby and left me & his 2 DC without a functioning/connected washing machine & cooker in a new house; I'd be losing respect for him pretty damn quick. His actions speak volumes.

BenNevis2017 · 11/12/2017 20:55

Absolutely, Make sure you finish your course because he sounds like he doesn't give a monkeys.

Joysmum · 11/12/2017 20:55

I work on the rule of thirds.

When not at work there should be equal down time with the person with more detail wn time taking on more of the chores to ensure equal down time. That down time should be divided into thirds:

1/3 should be him time
1/3 should be you time
1/3 should be family/couple time.