Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think DH is building up to leaving me over my dad having a go at him

134 replies

Staceysmomhasgotitgoingon · 11/12/2017 19:22

If you're heard of the mental load that's pretty much how our house runs. Dh doesn't really take responsibility for much. He works 56 hours a week and I understand this is tiring but he uses it as an excuse for not doing much else. Apart from a hobby he has taken up this year that takes him out of the house all day on his days off and sometimes overnight too.

Anyway we have just recently moved house and, although dh did so most of the clearing out in the old house (it had to be stripped back carpets lifted etc), he didn't do anything much in the new house.

My dad had to come up and do all the diy/heavy lifting stuff that I couldn't do on my own. And my dad also have dh a loan of a tool and dh mistreated it and broke it.

Being on my own with the dcs and the move and I also had a research paper due and an exam. It took it's toll on me and I ended up unwell and extremely stressed.

My dad was just so angry at dh for leaving me with everything and for not taking care of his stuff. Now... that part I think he was a bit ott my dad is very particular about his things and normally I don't really like to borrow anything from him because if it doesn't come back in perfect condition he cracks up. .

However, the other part I agree with him.. maybe it's none of his business and definitely there could have been more tact involved, but I understand where my dad was coming from. I was a mess and my dad was worried about me. If it wasn't for him I would have had no way to wash our clothes or cook food for the dcs.

So anyway, dh is raging and said I should have backed him up. I said if I thought my dad was out of order I would have but the only thing I think was wrong was the way he went about it. We had a massive row but it fizzled out nothing got resolved but the row died out.

Anyway a week passed and nothing more was said about it then I mentioned Christmas we always go to my mum and dad's. Dh said he's not going he wont go because of my dad.

It was playing on my mind today so I text him and said we shouldn't be spending Christmas apart and that he should go see my dad and sort things out. How would the dcs feel if dh ducked off on Christmas?

He said he's not going to see him and he can't believe I'm not backing him up. I repeated the above about agreeing with him but not how he went about it and that he should be putting his own pride in front of the dcs and their Christmas. Dh said well if that's how I feel he's not spending Christmas with any of us. I assume that also includes the dcs.

I don't know what to do he's not due in from work until after 10pm I think he's going to say if I don't back him about against my dad we are done.

OP posts:
Alpanini · 11/12/2017 20:01

I feel for you about the Xmas thing, I love going to my parents and resent going to my DH's every other year -- but we do. Hobby sounds like cycling.... doubt its an OW if so. People tend to get obsessive v quickly, bore on about timings and nutrition and lyrca and stuff and he may not realise how much of an impact its having on you.
But your dad was still way out of line to get involved and you shouldn't be talking about him behind his back to his parents! Again, if my DH started 'sharing concerns' with my mum he would be sleeping in a hotel!

KungFuEric · 11/12/2017 20:03

I wouldn't want to be married to you op, you're a married adult, your husband is your family. How would you feel if he wanted to spend Christmas with his parents?

You should have Christmas at home with your husband and your children, if you pick your parents over him now then a divorce will mean your children will have a Christmas away from you every other year, but at least your folks and sis will still be about,

BifsWif · 11/12/2017 20:05

So basically, it’s you and your parents against your DH and it’s your way at Christmas or nothing.

I’m not saying your DH is blameless but neither are you. Do you contribute financially if you’re a student nurse? I’ve done that course and it’s incredibly difficult to fit work around placements, but I was one of the ‘lucky’ last ones to at least get the bursary.

happypoobum · 11/12/2017 20:06

YABVU re insisting on having Christmas with your DPs every year.

How would you feel if he insisted on that?

However, it does sound like this relationship has run it's course and neither of you appears to like the other very much.

Viviennemary · 11/12/2017 20:06

Your DH is working 56 hours a week and is told off by your Dad like a naughty schoolboy. For a start it's absolutely none of your Dad's business to be interfering in your marriage. I'm not surprised he doesn't want to go there for Christmas. Due in from work at 10 pm to be challenged about his behaviour. YABU. I wouldn't stand for this either.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 11/12/2017 20:07

My sister and I have never spent a Christmas apart from our parents in the 30odd years we've been alive and I'm not about to start this year.

That statement rings alarm bells. As though your parents are more important to you than your husband.

I see there are big issues with you struggling alone whilst he swans off...being a student nurse is hard.

However why didn't you pay for help?

And back him up?

Your Dad shouldn't speak badly to him.

Cancerisacunt · 11/12/2017 20:08

I lost so much respect for my ex over christmas. He wouldn’t let us have our own tradition of Xmas at home, and it felt like he was denying my half of the relationship and not letting any of my christmas traditions be recognised or carried on.

It was soul destroying. It was symptomatic of our whole relationship

Gemini69 · 11/12/2017 20:10

the Christmas at your Parents every year would be an absolute No No for me.. sod that Flowers

him damaging your Dads tools is not on.. DIY tools are very precious to Men.. Grin

DeathByMascara · 11/12/2017 20:13

It does sound as though DH comes second to your parents, would that be a fair assumption? In which case, I’m not surprised he’s putting his foot down over this.

Quartz2208 · 11/12/2017 20:14

I read it differently I read it as she works 40 hours a week and does everything else around the house and with the children.

He works 56 hours and spends his free time on his hobby - leaving the OP is a position where she was ill and stressed.

Her DAd picks him up on this and he is in a mood because she did not tell him it was ok and he had done nothing wrong

So OP the question is do you want to continue with how it is at the moment

prh47bridge · 11/12/2017 20:15

Christmas not spent at my parents is absolutely non-negotiable

I was kind of half and half until you said this. This is incredibly selfish and unreasonable. He can never spend Christmas with his family and that is non-negotiable. His children can never spend Christmas with his family and that is non-negotiable. I would find that completely unacceptable. Add to that the way your father has spoken to him and I'm not surprised he doesn't want to go there for Christmas. I am not saying his behaviour has been acceptable. But there needs to be compromise on all sides. Saying Christmas at your parents is non-negotiable is the opposite of compromise. If you stick to that the best you can hope for is that your attitude doesn't make things any worse than they are already.

Gazelda · 11/12/2017 20:17

DH should be more hands on than he is at present. Your Dad is correct.
But your DH must be shattered. He must feel like the outsider in your family. And he knows that your dad doesn't think much of him.
He must feel a bit emasculated, and you've sided with your dad.
I think you need to work on your relationship with your DH. He needs to understand that you are shattered too, and you both need to find a better work/life balance.
You seem more passionate about your family Christmas.

HermioneAndTheSniffle · 11/12/2017 20:17

I would be very tempted to tell him that yes he is right and you should have backed him up and said to your dad that he doesn’t have to intervene in your marital problems.
And THEN lay it very thick on how he is a crap husband, that everyone has noticed he just doesn’t care and how little he is involved in the running do the house.
Basically repeating exactly what your dad has said, but also his own parents and friends.

I would tell him that it isn’t up to him to either be the bigger person and out his family first instead, for a change. And go and talk to your dead and just make peace.
I would remind him that Christmas is THE ONE thing that is done your way. Everything else is done his way. And he really could do with supporting you in that one.

Original poster
Staceysmomhasgotitgoingon · 11/12/2017 20:17

I get a bursary so yes I do contribute financially. But even if I didn't not bring in money doesn't give dh the right to do as he pleases leaving me to do everything else. He still has to contribute something. Even if it is just emotional support / appreciation.

OP posts:
HermioneAndTheSniffle · 11/12/2017 20:18

In effect, you need to start owning up the issues and telling your DH like it is so that other people d8ntdont have to step in for you!

Quartz2208 · 11/12/2017 20:18

Perhaps though she is so passionate about it because its the one thing she has not compromised or let him have his own way on - as such its become such a big deal because of that

honeyroar · 11/12/2017 20:18

Id be ready to leave too. Everything sounds like it has to be on your family's terms, at a time that they think suitable, not time for anything but work and DIY, no option for Xmas apart from what your family want, no ability to see anything from the other side.

I have a friend who is very similar. She has lost so many relationships because of it. She still can't see it. She's very lonely.

Original poster
Staceysmomhasgotitgoingon · 11/12/2017 20:19

You're all under the assumption that he wants to spend Christmas with his family? His family don't even really do Christmas.

OP posts:
Original poster
Staceysmomhasgotitgoingon · 11/12/2017 20:20

Also I have been saying it but his answer to everything is .... but I work !!@ like it's some sort of get out of jail free card!

OP posts:
Cancerisacunt · 11/12/2017 20:20

That’s not the points. Always doing it one way feels like you don’t count.

ShoesHaveSouls · 11/12/2017 20:21

I read your post and, like a pp, immediately thought 'cherchez la femme'. Sorry.

But Christmas Confused - when you're married, don't you do every other year? Your choice - his choice. Or at least a close approximation. I wouldn't be happy to spend every year with ILs.

But on the moving front, the breaking of the power tool, and the leaving you to it until you practically had a breakdown, and his general disregard of you - yanbu.

HermioneAndTheSniffle · 11/12/2017 20:21

OP I agree.
It’s not because A MAN works long hours that it means he is entitled to do fuck all in the house. Or spend all his free time doing what he pleases.
You are working too. It doesn’t matter if it’s being a student or a full time nurse (I’m not sure there is a in difference in the number of hours tbh). It doesn’t matter if he earns more money than you.
He should WANT to spend time with his dcs. He should WANT to be there to support you. He should WANT to ensure that there is a way to cook and clean clothes in his house.
By abdicating all that, he is also showing he actually doesn’t t care or respect you or the dcs. Which is pretty appalling tbh.

Original poster
Staceysmomhasgotitgoingon · 11/12/2017 20:22

His mum used to do Christmas on boxing day and I used to have to drag him to that he would never want to go. He much preferred spending time with my family. And now all of a sudden because he's been called out on his shitty behaviour he's using it against me.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 11/12/2017 20:22

I was with you until the Christmas thing.Your DH is clearly not pulling his weight at home, but it's for you to sort out, not your dad.

You are very unfair to insist on Christmas at your parents every year. It does make it sound like they are over-involved in your marriage.

Allthebestnamesareused · 11/12/2017 20:22

But you're missing the point that he doesn't want to spend Christmas with your family. You say it is non-negotiable! Christmas could be spent as a family by yourselves.