I'm a terrible wife

[ComeTheFuck0nBridget]

It's just hit me after an argument with DH that I am actually a terrible wife.

I always had this vision of my life in my head, I thought by now I would be a SAHM with 3+ children, nice house, nice DH, nice car.

It hasn't happened like that. I have the DH, in the process of buying the house, but we are having problems conceiving. I have PCOS and it has been about 5 years of on-and-off unsuccessful trying. My weight is the main issue, and why we haven't progressed to IVF yet. Strike one against me as it has taken so long to sort it, although I have lost four stone now and hopefully will lose the rest in the next six months.

The second thing is, DH has his own company. He wanted me to work with him when he set it up and I agreed (I didn't feel like I could say no). I don't really like being self employed or working on my own and I do a terrible job at it. The company paid for me to do a course but it hasn't helped. I think it is my attitude that is the problem. I'm ungrateful because I feel like I had no choice in taking this job. DH works bloody hard, he is a workaholic really and I benefit financially from this but I let him down all the time by not working better. I procrastinate too much, I have no willpower and no supervision and so it ends up getting to 5pm and I've done about an hours work in an 8 hour day. This is what the argument was about today, work is the only thing we ever really argue about.

The third thing is, I am terrible at keeping the house tidy. It's a mess. We had a massive clean up this weekend and DH helped and it looks lovely now, but normally I just can't keep on top of it. DH never normally does anything to help around the house (as he works so much) and it has been like a building site for the past 8 months. I've never really liked living here and always wanted to move, and DH just dumps his work things in the dining room and I think I got to the point where I thought "what's the point". I've never been the tidiest person in the world but I did used to be much better than I am now.

I just feel really awful, like I have this massive sense of entitlement and I'm sulking because life isn't going how I wanted it to (even though I could do much, much more to direct it where I want it to go and haven't in the past). How can I fix myself? How can I be a better wife and person? I have a list of excuses a mile long but even I'm sick of hearing them now. I've already promised myself and DH that things will be different in the new house in regards to tidiness. But I need to stop letting DH down so much at work.

I'm not sure why I'm posting really, I think I partly just want to get it off my chest, and partly look for any advice, anyone who has been disappointed in themselves but gone onto a place where they are now proud of themselves?

Plus this is one side of the story.

You don't sound like a terrible wife or a terrible person (and tbh it's concerning that you are more focused on worrying about being a 'terrible wife' than a 'terrible person' - you don't have to define yourself in relation to your husband). You sound a bit lost and depressed, and like you don't have much control over your life. So your DH steamrolled you into working in his company, and he insists you work full time when you'd rather not ... it certainly doesn't sound like this business is much of a team effort! It sounds more like he is your boss at work and then also at home, given he expects you to clear up after him (and why on earth does he expect that given you're working full time?!).

First step, I think, would be to get a job elsewhere, as others have said. At this stage it doesn't really matter whether you actually like the job you end up with - having a bit of independence from your husband. Work full time elsewhere, earn your own money, maybe in time retrain so that you can do something you actually like, and split the housework 50:50. Joint decisions, equal partners.

no time for who thread
No just enough time to find the bit that applies to you and then post an unhelpful and orrelevant reply

He won't be gutted that you are leaving the company. Honestly, he won't. You are doing a bad job and he's thinking of firing you!

He might be sad that the things that motivate him don't motivate you but that's a whole other issue. It's also one he should be able to get over pretty damn quickly when it's pointed out to him.

Tell him that you thrive in different work set ups. This one makes you unhappy and that ends with you doing a bad job. You will get a job in the kind of environment that suits you, he can hire an assistant who does the job well and enjoys it, btw you reckon that person could be part time.

It's crazy to think he will be desperately hurt by this.

Even if he's pissed off that you don't like what he likes and he has to go to the bother of hiring someone, eventually when he sees you happier and new employee doing a good job then he'll come round.

Also, when you work full time elsewhere you can stop with this shite of all the housework being yours.

Not at all sleeping , The TA thing was just above where I posted. I don't mean to be rude but from the OP post OP is being quite honest about herself.I don't think blaming everything on someone else such as her DH , helps.

If a friend talks to you about how hard things are for her MsHarry, do you just listen to a couple of things she says, imply she's lazy and tell her it's one side of the story? I really hope not for the sake of any friends you might have

You don't know me. I'm giving my honest opinion to the first post. Of course I help my friends. What would you say if it was reversed and Dh was being lazy at work when he'd agreed to come and work in the business and didn't do much at home either. I think your responses might be different.
1.Working hard and doing a good job raises self esteem, gives you purpose and experience.

1. Talking about your feelings to DH will help get things out in the open so decisions can be made
2. Procrastination does nothing at all.

Sometimes a bit of frank and honest advice is what is needed. I wish OP luck and hope she can improve things. I'm off now.

Msharry - she's fine when it's structured and someone else is making the decisions and loves working with children. TA is the perfect job for her.

He wants to change you though - your initial post had a few red flags in it and subsequent posts have simply added to it.

I disagree, I think the DH sounds frustrated that he is working hard and his wife isn't. I think most people would get frustrated in his situation.

OP, I think you have done a brilliant job of working out what's wrong and it's refreshing that you aren't making excuses for the fact you are 'lazy' at work and home. I agree with all the other posters who have suggested it's the job that brings out the 'lazy' side of you. I've got a reputation of being hard working but it's only because I do things I enjoy. I'm as lazy as hell when I'm doing boring things.

It's also impressive that you have taken control of your weight. 4 stone is very impressive -

I think a change of job would be the best plan and then either a cleaner or an agreement with your DH to blitz the house together. Currently I don't think it's unreasonable for you to be doing the housework if your DH is working as much as he is. He should be respectful though and not just dump stuff around the house.

Glad you're off MsHarry. If you'd actually read the thread you'd see that the OP felt forced into the job and hates it and is afraid to tell her DH she doesn't want to do it any more. You'd also see that she's worried about her mental health, her DH is unlikely to support her on that and that she has worked very hard in previous jobs.

Doesn't sound so much like a 'lazy' person needing bitchy 'honest advice' any more does it?

You aren't a terrible wife but I do think you have major self esteem issues.

1. You are having problems conceiving. How is that your fault?
2. You don't want to work for your DH but you are anyway. Little wonder you hate it and procrastinate.
3. You are living in a house you don't want to. Unsurprising you don't want to keep it clean. Also you think it is great when your DH 'helps', like it isn't his job too.

I would first off get yourself a new job, somewhere you have to actually go so that you can meet new people and pass the time of day with them. Your situation doesn't sound emotionally healthy and it isn't surprising you sound a bit depressed.

Ps good luck!

I work along side my husband running our business . It used to be his business but I took ownership by working my way up from not knowing anything about what he did to now being quite knowledgeable. We used to work from home , which was very distracting...so we now work from an office . There are other small business in the office so often people to chat to . Well done on the weight loss as well

MsHarry, you need to read far more than just the very first post.

Really honest post and well done for the weight loss! Could you train as a nursery nurse/childminder/teaching assistant or similar if you enjoy working with children. Sounds like working for husband's business just doesn't suit you. Maybe it makes you feel disempowered. I'd feel the same and could never work with - or for - DH! Do you have any learning difficulty as I wondered about feeling distracted easily...but maybe you're just bored?!

I think some of the responses are so far off that I wonder if the OPer’s husband found the thread and decided to contribute. I can’t imagine any woman hearing about this situation and thinking the problem is that the OPer doesn’t work hard enough. Posting here would be more emotional manipulation, which sounds like it’s right up the husbands alley.

If so, here are my thoughts for the OP’s husband:
Your wife’s feelings and dreams are important, and you need to support them. The only way to really keep a woman in your life is for her to be herself and be happy with her life. It isn’t your job to make her happy, but you need to get out of the way and let her work out for herself what works for her.

Steps:

1. Reduced work hours to the amount of time needed to do the financial things, but keep the same pay. I suggest 8-12 Monday through Thursday.

1. Assign other job duties to some one else, or hire another person, perhaps some one with cold call experience. This is not your wife.

The extra time is for her to find her smile again. She gets to do whatever she wants, try new things, and figure what makes her happy.

1. Have your wife hire some one to clean the house once a week. It’s awesome. (It cuts down on fighting, functions like an anti-depressant, and sometimes leads to more sex).

1. Encourage your wife to volunteer at a school while she is deciding her path. She’s really drawn to working in a school, and this would be an immediate way to start. It would also make her a quick pick for the next TA opening, either at that school or a school where the heads know each other.

1. When you come in from work, put your things away. Do not leave them some where and expect your wife to deal with them.

What I am scared of is hurting him emotionally, and him never forgiving me. I don't like confrontation in general at all.
This sounds like me when I was depressed. It's also anxious/avoidant - when you are basically always anxious, everything gets blown up into a big scary scenario where a vague "the worst" might happen, so you not only avoid anything that might lead to that Worst Thing, you also avoid even thinking too hard about it. If you did allow yourself to think about it, rationally (which is admittedly hard when you are depressed), you would actually see that there are alternative ways in which it could all pan out, and/or that the Worst Thing is actually either nonsense or something that you could in fact cope with. So the anxious/avoidant mindset actually feeds your fears.