I'm a terrible wife

[ComeTheFuck0nBridget]

It's just hit me after an argument with DH that I am actually a terrible wife.

I always had this vision of my life in my head, I thought by now I would be a SAHM with 3+ children, nice house, nice DH, nice car.

It hasn't happened like that. I have the DH, in the process of buying the house, but we are having problems conceiving. I have PCOS and it has been about 5 years of on-and-off unsuccessful trying. My weight is the main issue, and why we haven't progressed to IVF yet. Strike one against me as it has taken so long to sort it, although I have lost four stone now and hopefully will lose the rest in the next six months.

The second thing is, DH has his own company. He wanted me to work with him when he set it up and I agreed (I didn't feel like I could say no). I don't really like being self employed or working on my own and I do a terrible job at it. The company paid for me to do a course but it hasn't helped. I think it is my attitude that is the problem. I'm ungrateful because I feel like I had no choice in taking this job. DH works bloody hard, he is a workaholic really and I benefit financially from this but I let him down all the time by not working better. I procrastinate too much, I have no willpower and no supervision and so it ends up getting to 5pm and I've done about an hours work in an 8 hour day. This is what the argument was about today, work is the only thing we ever really argue about.

The third thing is, I am terrible at keeping the house tidy. It's a mess. We had a massive clean up this weekend and DH helped and it looks lovely now, but normally I just can't keep on top of it. DH never normally does anything to help around the house (as he works so much) and it has been like a building site for the past 8 months. I've never really liked living here and always wanted to move, and DH just dumps his work things in the dining room and I think I got to the point where I thought "what's the point". I've never been the tidiest person in the world but I did used to be much better than I am now.

I just feel really awful, like I have this massive sense of entitlement and I'm sulking because life isn't going how I wanted it to (even though I could do much, much more to direct it where I want it to go and haven't in the past). How can I fix myself? How can I be a better wife and person? I have a list of excuses a mile long but even I'm sick of hearing them now. I've already promised myself and DH that things will be different in the new house in regards to tidiness. But I need to stop letting DH down so much at work.

I'm not sure why I'm posting really, I think I partly just want to get it off my chest, and partly look for any advice, anyone who has been disappointed in themselves but gone onto a place where they are now proud of themselves?

I don't mean this critically, quite the opposite, in fact. But I do wonder whether your not working is partly a sort of subconscious protest at having been (or feeling you have been) forced into something that is making you unhappy and compelled to give up something you really wanted to do?

You do sound passive (except for the amazing weight loss. Well done!) and as if you have let things carry you along, but it does sound a little as if your dh is happy to benefit from that and reluctant to give space to your dreams in your life plan.

If I could give you two pieces of advice, the first would be to go back to university and complete your degree (and I think your dh should be supporting you through this), the second would be to get some pretty deep-digging therapy to lay bare the roots of your extremely low self-confidence and sense that your life is out of your control. I have the feeling, though, that your dh won't be hugely keen on either of those options. Which may tell you something else you need to hear.

Give up the job, eventually. Yes, it might be a shock to your DH, but it's more important that you do something that motivates and fulfils you. However, you can ease the transition by going part-time (it you actually work 3-4 hours a day you will get more done than drifting for 8) and taking on another part-time role. Maybe take on some TA work and get that teaching career back on track? Or, thinking laterally, get yourself some voluntary work with kids that could lead to a career change?

Devote an hour a day to sorting out one simple task on the house. Fly Lady is brilliant for this. It's only by pursuing something like this in small, bite-sized chunks that it will ever get finished. Make sure your DH helps! This is not your sole burden.

I do think you sound depressed - and with this work/infertility situation, I am not really that surprised. It can be very hard to self-start when you are in that kind of a way. for you, please do think about perhaps seeing your GP.

You really sound like you need to get some organisation in your life. Take a look at project me and the organised mum. Both of which I follow and I felt this has helped me to get things in order.

It’s like a big, tick one thing off the list and your raring to go with the next one! Also think about what’s going in the body.. sounds odd but if you eat the right foods you’ll have more energy and therefore be able to tackle anything.

I don’t believe a new job is the solution until you have yourself back in control, only then can you have the drive and ambition to spread your wings. All that said don’t beat yourself up, arm yourself with the tools to move forward and get yourself out this rut in time for the new year. x

Well, I think it must be hard if you imagined having kids by now and don't. Also if there is only 20 hours of work to do but you are full time it must be hard to be motivated. Why don't you just do the 20 hours and work really efficiently. Use the extra time to sort the house, get fit and maybe apply for other jobs that interest you.

you definitely need to get another job

but frankly speaking, the whole "I just wanted to be a mum" - you must have realised that it was going to be partly up to you to earn some money before parenting? And then again possibly during?

I suppose what you mean about the job is that your husband will be upset if you can go elsewhere and discipline yourself to work hard enough that you don't get fired. I kind of get that. It would be one thing if you said "I feel uncomfortable working for my husband" but much of what you say just comes across as "I cba to do anything".

now I absolutely understand that! But in a partnership you can't leave one person doing everything while you do nothing.

HeteronormativeHaybales - I feel like I can't agree with what you said enough.

whiskyowl - thank you so much for the practical advice

Agree with others that it sounds as if you could be depressed - would be worth speaking to a doctor about that and the possibility of ADD. After breaking up with my ex I was treated for depression and realised that I might have had a low level of depression for years. Also discovered that I had an iron deficiency caused by heavy periods - I'd just thought my level of exhaustion was what everyone experienced when working and looking after kids. Get yourself checked out, and if the first doctor is not helpful, see another. (Thse things so often get dismissed the first time, or you get fobbed off in some way.)

I'd also see your total lack of motivation as being because you hate your job and feel a failure at it. What you're doing is "avoidant" behaviour. It's a vicious circle that you need to break out of by getting another job. Doesn't have to be the best job in the world as long as you get a reasonable wage (for your own needs) and like it.

You're both working but he does no housework, and he's complaining about your housework? Fuck that.

but I never grew up thinking "oh I would LOVE to do XX" when I grow up, I just wanted to be a mum.

And don’t ever let anyone make you feel bad for that. If you found a partner who that suited too, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that being your ambition. How awful for you that it hasn’t happened.

Being stuck in a job you hate, in a house you hate, without the children you’d love must be soul destroying and demoralising. But, you’ve taken control of one aspect of your life you don’t like and done really well. Time to tackle another. Pick one you can change and that bothers you most and work out where you want to be, then decide how to get there. If it is your home, decide whether you want to stay or go and make a plan. Can you work to fix up your house, a bit at a time? Tell your husband you will work 20 hours, do a to do list for the day and stick to it. When you are done, have the same house list and tackle a job at a time. Things can be overwhelming if you try to do it all at once. Or can you go and find a job, one which you think you might enjoy?

You are not a terrible wife, you have come to a situation where it has all got on top of you and nothing seems good. It won’t change by itself, you need to take the bull by the horns. The very first thing to do is to sit and tell your husband all of this and work together to find a way that suits you both. If you don’t do this now, adding children to the mix will lead to trouble. Good luck and I hope you can find a way through.

As for the house stuff even if it's fair that you do more if he works longer hours. He shouldn't be just dumping his stuff and expecting you to clean up after him.
Exactly this, she’s his wife, not his mother. How the hell does he expect her to pick up after him, when he won’t do it for himself.

It’s hard to work self-directed at home. I struggle sometimes. When the house is messy I also feel paralysed between 2 competing priorities:

If I just tidy up I’ll feel better & will concentrate better.

But I have work to do so I should get on with that & ignore the mess and do it when I’ve finished work.

Aimlessly waste time doing neither, feel bad.

Have you heard of the Pomodoro method for time management? I find that helpful.

Oh, and another thing that comes up often on mumsnet when people are inexplicably tired, irritable or lacking energy is sleep apnoea. I'm sure a couple of other things too, maybe someone else has other ideas?

If you admit you're barely doing any work anyway, your DH will be much better off hiring someone motivated, and you should go back to your studies and get a job that interests you.

I just came on to wonder if there might possibly be a bit of ADD going on there, and thecatpidgeon beat me to it. Have you always have problems with concentration/ organisation?

You also sound as if you're depressed and have low self esteem, but whether this is the cause or the result of your situation is difficult to say. Some counselling could help anyway.

Thirdly, you say you're a terrible wife, but your DH isn't coming across as partner of the year, either! He persuaded you into working for him, something that you're not suited to, which led to you giving up on studying for something that you were probably going to be good at. He "makes" you work full time, yet does nothing around the house. He can't have it both ways- if you're both working full time, you share the load in the house- it's not just your responsibility.

Tell me, did you regularly see yourself as "terrible" at things before you got married, or just afterwards?

Nyx1 - I know. I don't expect to not do anything, and I think I said it in an earlier reply but I have always worked very hard in previous jobs. It's just this job that I can't seem to. This job makes me feel like I am so lazy, and it makes my DH think of me as lazy, and I hate that.

I mean, I know I am a bit lazy, with the cleaning and weight issues. But my work ethic was something that I was always so proud of, I've worked since I was 13 years old and I'm 30 now, have had multiple jobs at a time in the past, always done overtime, etc.

your DH isn't coming across as partner of the year, either!
Amen.

OP, overweight people are often stereotyped as lazy, have you had any comments about that, that have affected the way you see yourself? Does your husband say you are lazy?

Sometimes the less you do, the less you want to do. Being bored in a job is AWFUL - I have been there, when my workload dramatically halved in a new job, and I would choose being too busy at work over being under-utilised every time. The problem fit someone like me (and perhaps you?) is that without regular deadlines you think you’ve got ages to do something, and it’s easy to jet it drift.

So you have to create artificial deadlines, and make yourself busier.

So I’d definitely recommend trying to make yourself work 4 hours per day (9-12?) and then exploring studying again or voluntary work connected to what you’d really like to do. In the interim, you can also schedule yourself a deadline to get housework/packing/decluttering done e.g. 2 hours a day on prepping to move house?

stubbornstains - Yes, I regularly see myself as terrible at things pre marriage. DH isn't perfect but he's not awful to me, he just loves to work, he lives to work in fact. He can happily work 10-12 hours per day, 6 days per week. He is just very ambitious and driven.

To address what's been mentioned a few times, yes I do have very low self esteem. I always have had although it has gotten worse since I gained a lot of weight.

I think I do also have depression. This year has been really hard for me mentally. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about it though. DH knows I feel down a bit but is sometimes a bit unsympathetic, he feels because he can keep working when he is ill everyone else should be able to as well.

I also don't feel like I can go to my GP about it as I have always wanted to adopt from overseas as well as having biological children and I know that some adoption programs won't let you if you have a history of depression, and it has become more important to me the longer it takes for me to conceive bio children.

Are you me from 2 years ago? Unmotivated, working for my partners company, even the weight loss. I don't really have any advice, other than developing other interests outside of the home helped in my particular situation.

It all came down to me being very, very depressed. I was desperate for children and in the process of losing 25kg to get to a healthy BMI in order to start trying to conceive.

I took a part time job in my local pub on a whim (work was quiet, I wanted some spending money, I missed the social interaction of working outside of the home) and it really helped me. Me and my partner made a lot of friends via the pub and even though I only stayed about 6 months, it got me out of the funk I was in. I developed a proper social circle there for the first time and we're still close.

Once I had a handle on my low mood and was getting out of the house more, I was able to motivate myself to become more productive at work, mainly by becoming more organised and structured.

I look back on that time and wonder what was different, why didn't I feel able to do anything productive, and I don't really have an answer - all I know is that now I very rarely struggle to work. I don't really understand my depression, what brought it on etc. but it's clear to see in hindsight that that was the root cause of my issues.

I didn't medicate but I have friends who have found it really valuable - have you spoken to a GP?

Wow ok, there were paragraphs there before I promise. Sorry for the wall of text

I too think you need a proper job - out of the house, mixing with people other than your H.

I've just done that ADD quiz and I got 8/9 in part 1 and 6/9 in part 2.

I'd never considered it something that I may have, but I was going through all those questions, especially on the first part, and it was like it knew me.

Have you looked into adoption programmes which do not discriminate against depression sufferers? Or what that means - e.g. is it all depression victims, or only those who have been hospitalised, for instance?

Sounds like you are engaged in a dangerous balancing act between your mental health and your wish to adopt. Now that my mental health is somewhat better, looking back I feel like I just wasn't properly living a full life for about 15 years. What a waste.

smeerf - thank you for your reply. I'm glad that things got better for you.

As part of losing weight, I have started attending a couple of exercise classes a week and I love it, I love how the exercise is making me feel and I love having somewhere to go every week.

ravenmum - I have looked into it a little but not too much, I already have my heart set on one to be honest which would rule me out for having depression.

I know how you feel about looking back and thinking your life was a waste, I do the same. I am in a better place now than I have been, the weight loss has helped because I feel like I have taken back a little bit of control over my life and that I am heading in the right direction. The past eight years though I have achieved absolutely nothing, and I hate myself for it.

what thecatpidgeon said.
I'm not lazy but i can spend an entire day achieving nothing and i now know why.

x

You don't sound like a dreadful wife to me.

It's quite obvious, though, that you shouldn't be working for your DH's business. You don't enjoy it and it's made you resentful. It obviously makes your DH cross too, so I don't know what he's getting out for it. Is there something you'd really like to do that you could train for?

As for the tidiness, well, I'm quite sure he's capable of not leaving his crap lying around the dining room. It takes two people to keep a house tidy.